Chapter 30

Penn

I'd hate to think what would happen if I had urgent issues I needed to talk to someone about. The wait list for seeing a shrink is stupidly long, almost like mental health isn't a priority. Last night, Madden was being a good friend, and he didn't deserve me getting grumpy with him. The real kicker is that I didn't even want to be grumpy with him. My mouth kept saying inside thoughts, and I couldn't make it stop. I know my feelings are valid too, but I'm stuck in that hard place where I don't even know what the right choice was. Madden couldn't leave Xander, but it made me feel like an afterthought in the process.

I'm restless all day at work and don't even notice Lisa isn't there until she rushes in late.

"Where have you been?"

Her face flushes red, and she doesn't answer as she sets up at her desk. I guess I'm not the only one with a lot on my mind .

But if I can't talk to a psychologist and I can't talk to Madden, who does that leave me with?

Sure, Lisa and I had a moment, but we're not close enough that I'd consider spilling my feelings to her. Lana is great if I need her to tell me like it is, but that's not what I need right now.

I need judgment-free. I need someone who might even have ideas for me on how I can handle things.

Pathetically needy in relationships?

It immediately brings one person to mind.

Two hours into my shift and I've done fuck all except angry click from screen to screen in a fit of looking productive while being anything but. So I do something I completely hate and fob off early.

Dryden's sympathy makes me feel like shit as I walk out the door and climb into my car. I really should go home, but while Madden is at work, I'm going to take advantage of him being out of the house to visit.

Big Boned Bertha is what their house is affectionately known as. Every time I'm here, it both hits me with nostalgia over family and belonging while simultaneously awakening my bitterness. I really wish I could love it here.

I pull up on the front curb and climb out of my car. The front garden mostly blocks the house from view of the road, and as I walk up the path to the porch, I ignore the hissing tabby cat in the bushes. Kismet is the only member of Bertha who doesn't go out of his way to make me feel welcome.

I don't bother knocking since Xander and Molly should be the only ones here, but when I get inside the large, echoey front entrance, I lift my voice and call out.

"Molly? You here?"

Overly needy? That's all Molly. Madden's told me everything about his relationship with Seven, and I remember a little of him in college. He's sweet but intense, and I know there was some boy drama at school, but fucked if I know what went down.

I climb the stairs to his office and give a light tap on the doorframe. Molly's wearing headphones, and he clearly hasn't heard me, so, because I don't want to creep up and scare him, I pull out my phone and send a text instead.

Turn around.

The message alert goes off, and Molly grabs his phone, stares at it a second, and then his head snaps in my direction.

I smile and flick him a wave as his surprise melts, and he pushes his headphones back to hang around his neck.

"Are you here for Madden? Because he's at work."

"Actually …" I take a measured step into the room. "I was hoping I could talk to you about something."

"Of course." He lights up with surprise and points to the free computer chair on the other side of the room. "Get cozy."

I do, but it's mostly so I can buy myself time.

"What did you want to talk about?" Molly asks. "Ohh! Are you going to ask Madden to marry you? I'll help you plan the whole thing."

I chuckle, wishing we were anywhere near ready for that. "I'll keep your offer in mind when we reach that point."

"So …"

"Now that I'm here, I'm worried you're going to be offended."

His pretty eyes blink faster. "Uh, why?"

"Because I need relationship advice, and I thought of you because you're, umm, like me. A bit."

"Like you?"

My eyes fall closed in embarrassment. "Needy."

"Ooohhhhh …" He drags the word out dramatically but doesn't say anything else .

"Sorry, I didn't mean … I just know that?—"

"Don't stress. I'm super needy. I've come to terms with it."

For some reason, that makes me more annoyed. My shoulders slump. "Huh. Okay."

"What's wrong?"

"Well, I was sort of hoping you could teach me how to be not that way."

Molly tilts his head. "Why would you want that?"

I can't tell if he's joking or not. Molly's a sweet guy, all starry-eyed and happy, whereas I try to be a realist. And in real life, clinging to Madden and telling him he can't leave isn't cute.

"Did Madden tell you we're dating?"

"I had a hunch."

"Right." I flick at my thumbnail. "It's intense. More intense than I've ever been in a relationship, and I don't like it."

"Okay, well, if you don't like it, that changes things."

I glance up hopefully. "It does?"

"Of course it does. Seven loves me, needy and all, but that doesn't mean I didn't work on myself until I reached a level I was comfortable with."

"And how did you work on that?"

Molly shrugs. "I was cheated on, so the need to prove that I was worthy of a relationship made me do some things I wasn't proud of. I had to actively reroute my thoughts. I had to decide that no, I'm allowed to have standards, and I don't need to settle. I don't think that's the same issue you're having, but I bet something similar might help."

Yes and no. It's hard to compare my resentment of Madden having people outside of me with Molly's worry he wasn't loveable. Molly's problems make him sympathetic. Mine make me a dick. Even I know that.

"Sure. But what if my neediness is less about me and more about being shitty every time he's with people who aren't me? "

"Like … you're jealous?"

"And not in a hot way."

"Huh …"

I huff out a breath and lean forward, elbows on knees and face in my hands. Just outside the window somewhere, there's a bird singing, and I sort of want to tell it to shut up. Don't be happy, this isn't a fun conversation.

"I'm resentful of his friendships cutting into our time. We agreed that since he spends Mondays with you guys, Tuesdays would be our night, and he ended up with Xander instead. It's not fair of me to expect him not to help his friend, but at what point is it okay for me to be like, hey, I needed you too?"

"My heart wants me to tell you that Xander always comes first, but I know that's not fair. And it's totally a me thing." Molly takes a deep breath. "Did he tell you what he was doing?"

"He texted me. Let me know he'd be over when he could."

Molly's thinking so hard his eyes squint up. "Would you have felt better if he called you?"

I think back to last night and how dismissive the text felt. "I think … maybe."

"Okay, so that sounds like a reasonable boundary to me. If either of you have to blow off plans, it's a phone call, not a text."

Some of my anxiety shifts. "That sounds easy."

"It really is. And if Tuesdays are your nights, I'll make sure I don't make plans. That I'm here if Xander needs someone, so that won't happen again."

My mouth is hanging open for so long Molly giggles.

"What?"

"You'd do that for me?" My tone is suspicious as hell. "Why?"

"You're Madden's, so you're ours. That's how it works. We want him to be happy, which means you need to be happy as well. If I can do one little thing to help, I'll do it."

None of this is what I was expecting Molly to say. I thought he'd give me a list of all the things I needed to fix about myself and warn me not to hurt Madden and to stop being a possessive dick. "What if it doesn't help though?"

"You have my number. You just texted me."

"Ah … yeah?"

"Then you call me. Bottling things up makes it worse, and I usually find that all I need is a good vent and I'm ready to move on."

I eye him. "And you're okay with me calling and whining in your ear?"

"It's not whining. You're allowed to have feelings, and that's what friends are there for."

Friends?

I sit here looking at the messy-haired, doe-eyed man in front of me, never having considered him a friend in my life. I've always thought that there are criteria to hit for friendships and milestones you have to meet in order to qualify. Apparently, Molly doesn't feel the same way.

"We're friends?"

Molly frowns. "Of course we are."

"Can I … don't get offended because I'm being genuine, but … what makes us friends?"

Molly almost laughs. "You're a person I know and care about. I like you. Does it have to be more than that?"

"If it was as easy as that, I'd have a lot of friends."

"And who says you don't?"

I'm about to open my mouth and point out that I obviously don't, but Seven pushes through the door, carrying a coffee and headphones around his neck. "Hey, Penn."

"Hi." I look the giant man over. "Are we friends? "

He stops, looking from me to Molly like he's worried this is a trick. "Yeah?" He pulls an "are you okay" face. "Why?"

"Just … curious."

"Penn doesn't think he has friends," Molly says.

"Well, we're either friends or adopted barnacles. Either way, he's stuck with us." Seven snorts and continues to his desk. "Unless you don't get out of my chair, Penn. Then we're going to have issues."

I jump straight up and push it his way. "Thanks for the talk."

Molly stands too. "That's okay, but did you really think we weren't friends?"

"Well, it's not like we talk all the time, or …"

Seven sets down his cup. "Those are the best type of friends. You can count on them, but they don't smother you."

Molly clutches his hands to his chest. "My man. So many feelings."

Seven rolls his eyes while I shift awkwardly.

"I guess I never thought of friends like that."

"Hopefully, now you do," Molly says.

I nod, feeling borderline overwhelmed that these guys I've been resenting have considered me their friend all along.

"I hope you come to more family Fridays." Molly scuffs his socked toe against the floor. "It's for everyone. All our roommates and partners. We're all family and you barely ever come to them."

"I … I thought it was a pity invite."

Seven groans and hangs his head back. "This is going to be a hug moment, isn't it?"

"Yup." Molly grins. "Get that cute butt over here."

Then before I know what's happening, I've got Molly on one side, Seven on the other, boxed in by their arms and still trying to figure out how the fuck I got here.

If this is what friendships are … I wish I'd had them a long time ago.