Chapter 29

Madden

I wait while Derek checks Xander over. He's slumped over, eyes void of the tattoo liner, holding a glazed, far-off look, and he's the least like Xander I've ever seen him look.

I'm also the least like me I've ever felt. I'm getting frustrated. It's past eight, and I was the only one home to drive Xander into the pharmacy when he broke down, convinced that he had lung cancer.

My heart hurts for him while my head has had enough.

He's got issues, so why the hell isn't he doing something about it? He's only getting worse.

And that's me taking my own frustrations out on him. I take a steadying breath and card my fingers through my hair. I want to get over to Penn's. I texted him about what was going on, and I know he understands, but we're supposed to have Tuesday nights together. I'm trying not to be impatient or irritable, but after our conversation this morning, I need some reassurance from him that we're okay.

He's everything I want, and I'm scared that I'm going to have to choose between holding myself back and him. Both of those options are equally terrifying.

The thing is, once Peach Acres is up and running, I might not have any need to go anywhere else. That's the ideal scenario. The opposite could happen though, where if I'm confident and happy there, I'll be less stressed about it everywhere else.

Truthfully, I don't think I'll ever be able to handle the judgment, so I don't think Penn has anything to worry about, but it's a possibility. I needed to know how he'd respond to that.

I respect him for not lying, but couldn't he have at least tried? For me? I'm cool with living in delusion.

"Hey." I look over at Derek's stern voice. He's watching Xander, who's watching the wall. "Talk to me."

"You said I'm fine," Xander says weakly.

"Why haven't you made the appointment yet?"

Xander blinks slowly, eyes wet, and presses his lips together.

Derek shifts as though to block me out of the conversation. "I have all night."

Well, I fucking don't.

I must make some kind of noise because Derek glances over at me. "I can give him a ride home if you have someplace to be."

"You will?" Xander immediately sits up, and the excitement in his voice is unmissable. He's had eyes for Derek since the very first time he came in here, and I know it's one of the reasons he's so careful to make sure he looks good, no matter what the time is.

But I also get the impression that Derek is a professional, and that will never happen .

"There's someone I'd like you to talk to. She's happy to meet us if you're willing."

There he goes, confirming my theory.

While apparently breaking Xander's heart.

My friend jumps up off the makeshift bed. "I don't want to talk to anyone."

"Xander …"

"I'm fine. You said I'm fine. I can go." He latches onto my arm, and I wonder if I keep still whether they'll forget I'm here. "Come on, Madden."

Apparently not.

I glance down at his pleading gaze, eyes ringed red. "They just want to talk, Z. You don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with."

"I'm not comfortable with talking. Or being blindsided. I don't want any of this."

I sigh. "Xander?—"

"It's fine, Madden." Derek tucks his hands into the pockets of his coat. "Maybe next time."

"There is no next time. Tell her I'm not interested."

"If that's what you want." Derek pulls out a lollipop and holds it out. "For you."

Xander scowls, but he takes it, then storms ahead of me out the doors.

Derek rests a hand on my arm before I can follow him. "He's been here three times in two weeks."

"I know."

"He hasn't been like that in a long time."

Concern is written all over Derek's face, and I try to figure out if it's concern for a patient or more. "It's always convenient that you're here."

Derek rubs tired-looking eyes. "He needs help."

"He's got help. We're all there for him."

"Professional help. Do you think … Seven was his biggest su pport, and now Seven has someone who isn't Xander in his life?—"

I cut in before he can finish that thought. "Xander and Molly are close. Really close."

"I know. It's clear he loves him, but it's also clear to me that Xander isn't handling it well. This is the second time I've seen you recently, and that's also strange. I think I can count on one hand the number of times last year someone other than Seven showed up with him."

I blink at Derek. "You think this is Seven's fault?"

"No. I'd like to see less of Seven, honestly. I'd like to see less of all of you. This might not be my business, but it's reached a point where I'm going to make it my business. You're failing him. All of you are. I know you love him and you're trying, but it's not enough. You all have your own lives to lead, and frankly, none of you deserve to be a nurse to a man who won't help himself." Derek rubs a hand over his unshaven face. "Xander's manipulating you all."

That's not exactly news to me. "I know that, but he can't help it."

"How do you know?"

I scoff. "He doesn't want to be sick."

"You sure about that? Because from where I'm standing, I'm starting to think he does."

My mouth actually drops, and I … I have nothing to say. It's pretty fucked-up for someone in the medical field to think that way. Xander's struggling. He doesn't like going through what he does. "His mental health isn't his fault."

"I agree. But how he chooses to handle it is something that's well within his control. Not talking to someone, always relying on his friends to drop what they're doing to be there for him … I … this isn't fun for me to say. None of it is. But I can't keep biting my tongue, and I can't keep seeing him get worse. Talk to Seven. Or probably Molly. Someone needs to get through to him because I'm getting dangerously close to overstepping my role here."

"What do you?—"

"This isn't okay!" He looks surprised by his outburst. "Shit. Sorry. I … I'm worried. That's all."

"We all are."

"Then fucking do something about it."

Derek storms out of the small treatment room, and I watch him go for too long before I remember Xander will be waiting by the car.

I find him in the parking lot and unlock my truck as I approach. He's quiet, and I'm quiet, and I can't stop noticing the time getting later and later as I back out of the parking space.

"I'm sorry," he whispers.

"I know." I genuinely believe he is, no matter what Derek says. Doesn't change that he's still going through this and still being stubborn. It also doesn't help that I'm feeling guilty over my frustration at not being with Penn.

"Mads …"

"Yeah?"

"Am I broken?"

I blink at his panicked expression before turning back to the road. Is he broken? It's hard not to think yes when, if Xander hadn't been neglected his whole childhood, he probably wouldn't be going through what he is now. It's not his fault. It's not something he had any say in, and now he's going to spend the rest of his life dealing with the consequences of choices that weren't his. His parents, the people he dealt with in the foster system, piece by piece, they broke him down.

That's what Derek doesn't understand. Xander's been neglected far too many times for any of us to turn our backs on him. Whether he's subconsciously manipulating us or not, he deserves this. People who love him.

I unstick my throat and say, "You're not broken, Z. But you really should talk to someone."

He draws his knees up to his chest and sobs.

My nerves are already bruised by the time I get to Penn's. I need a hug or a really hard, burning drink. Something to shock me out of this weight that's closing over me.

I strip off at the door and numbly follow the hall to where Penn's sitting on his couch. Takeout containers clutter the kitchen counter, probably cold now, but I'm not hungry anyway.

As soon as I'm close enough, I let myself drop, landing half in his lap and half on the couch.

"Madden?"

"It's been a long night." I bury my face into his side. "Hug me."

His hand rests stiffly on my back, and that's all I get from him. With a sinking in my gut, I glance up.

His usually pouty bottom lip is curled out even further.

"What's wrong?"

Penn's gaze shifts away. "Tuesdays were supposed to be our night."

"I know, but Xander?—"

He huffs.

"What was that for?"

"If it's not Xander, it's Rush, or Christian, or Molly."

"Penn …."

He doesn't answer.

"What did you want me to do? Leave him doom-searching lung cancer? "

"Of course not." He sounds genuine. "It's … I love that you're a good friend to them and they can rely on you, but … it sort of sucks that I can't."

"What?" I sit back up, putting some distance between us.

"I don't know what I'm trying to say."

My gaze roams back to the untouched food. "I'm sorry I was late."

"Yeah …"

Stale silence fills the seconds that pass.

"I need you to talk to me, Penn."

His laugh is humorless. "Talk? Fine. Between you ditching me at work and never being able to commit to a single plan we have, I'm struggling not to feel like a complete afterthought to you. Honestly, Madden, I fucking hate it. We're boyfriends, god fucking damn it, and I'd like to think that makes me a bit of a priority for you, but so far, that only seems to be in my head. I hate feeling insecure, and I hate feeling jealous of your roommates. It actually makes me feel like total shit because I know Xander's going through a lot, but …" He cuts off, but there's nothing else he could say anyway that would make me feel any worse.

"You are a priority to me."

Penn wraps an arm around my shoulders and pulls me close. "I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me."

I do. For me, Penn's my everything. I'm completely confident in the knowledge that he's my person, and it will never change, but I guess I haven't done a great job of showing him that. Between not wanting to smother him or push feelings that he's not ready for and my brothers needing me, I'm not surprised that this is coming out now.

I have no clue how to fix it though.

I can't promise it will never happen again because it probably will .

And if all of this is coming out now, I know exactly how he'd take my conflicted thoughts about work.

Spoiler: not fucking well.

I have no idea what to do.