Chapter 28

Penn

Working with Richard isn't the same. He's friendly, chatty, completes all the work perfectly. But he hasn't once messaged me to save him from nudist-related activities.

Which, admittedly, is a good thing. Even if it doesn't feel that way.

I get home from working with Dryden, expecting Madden to be there waiting for me, and when I walk in and find my house empty, my heart sinks.

Then it clicks.

Monday.

He's playing Monopoly with his brothers.

And I wasn't invited.

I shower and cook dinner, reminding myself that I'm not allowed to be upset about that. I'm not. Instead of focusing on Madden and his friendships, I should be focusing on my own, but inviting Lana down for dinner is too much effort .

Things with Madden are effortless. They always have been.

The problem is staring me right in the face, and I'm doing my best to ignore it.

Instead, I eat dinner and watch TV. Absolutely not resenting Madden for ditching me at work and then again tonight instead of turning the blame where it belongs. On me.

I could have easily gone with Madden to work on Peach Acres with Damien, but doing that feels like letting go of everything we've built. Sure, it's not permanent, but there's a voice in my head asking if maybe it is.

If we neglect our own business and focus on that place, what do we have to go back to when it's done?

At least this way, it means I can keep things running, so when Madden's done consulting, he can walk right back into our business, which will hopefully be operating better than ever. It makes me want to focus and push ahead so when that day comes, he's proud.

I switch my TV off with an unsettling thought.

All night, all I've done is think of Madden. It was bad before we got together, but it's gotten worse—to the point where I'm actually annoying myself. The silence echoes around me as, very slowly, so, so slowly, I let one big fucking question past my guard.

Do I have a problem?

Like, an actual one? One that I might need to see a highly qualified person for?

The last time I considered it, I brushed it off, like I'm tempted to do now. It's normal to love your friend and want to spend all your time with him, especially when lines are crossed into boyfriend territory.

The sex is more addictive than I thought, but so is the closeness. I crave it. Need it.

I can't get that kind of thing from anyone other than him, but at what point does it cross the line from usual relationship stuff to seek help immediately ?

And this is where I need someone to talk to.

Instead of trying to do that though, I get up and go to bed.

The sound of my front door wakes me the next morning, and I shoot straight upright. I don't have any appointments or need to work for Dryden today, so most of it will be spent doing up a new design for a client—without Madden's input—and I had been hoping for a brief sleep-in first.

A moment later, Madden's head pokes around my door.

I'd known it could only be him, but that doesn't stop the smile that he immediately pulls from me. Right before the sinking feeling takes over that I'd missed him last night and he wasn't here. Which, of course, leads me back to the dreaded question I've been avoiding.

"Morning," I croak, lifting the covers for him to crawl into bed too, but he just sits on the edge of the mattress and leans in to give me a kiss. I let the covers drop, trying not to be disappointed but knowing he has to get to work. Instead of the alternate reality where we're holed up here together, planning out a killer design for our business.

When he pulls back, my gaze dips. "What are you wearing?"

He plucks at the black tank top. "I know, I know. No clothes in here. I can't stay long though."

"No, I mean, that's not what you normally wear to work."

Something shutters in his eyes, but it's gone too fast for me to catch. "Ah, yeah. Damien and I had a chat yesterday, and we came to a compromise. As long as I'm in some sort of clothing, I can wear whatever's comfortable."

I pull myself up so I'm sitting. "That's really cool of him."

Madden smiles and tucks a chunk of hair behind his ear. "He's a cool guy. I'd rather clothes weren't necessary, and the whole thing annoys me, but I also get it." He waves the idea off. "I need to stop focusing on it so much."

"But focusing and caring are what you do best."

His whole face lights up, and he kisses me again. " You're the best. Really."

"We're not playing this game again."

I don't know what he sees when he looks at me, but it's probably the same thing I see when I look at him. Whenever Madden's around, the whole world feels easier, and as we talk, it makes me wonder what the fuck I was so worried about last night.

"I'm glad you stopped in," I say truthfully. "Kinda, uh, missed you last night."

"Me too. But Monopoly Mondays are sacred."

Of course they are. "Maybe we can do takeout Tuesdays, and those can be sacred for us?"

He's about to say something when he changes course. "Every Tuesday? Guaranteed to have you all to myself? Score!"

"You're so weird." But fucking hell, I like that he's excited. I wish he was excited for every night, but I'll take Tuesdays. Tuesdays are great. Plus, it's not like it means we won't see each other any other night.

"There's something I wanted to ask you," he says quickly, like he's trying to get it all out there.

"Okay …"

"When Damien and I were talking yesterday, he said a lot about his ex-husband and how they changed during their marriage. It made me think of us."

"We're not married."

"No, but …" Madden takes my hand and links his fingers through mine. "It's the change part. We've known each other as friends for a long time. The longest time. I know who you are, and you know who I am. "

"Right."

"You also know that …" He looks away, playing with my finger and obviously torn over what to say. "I'm, well, me. I'll lecture you about your carbon footprint and check you're getting enough vitamins. I'll bug you about working out or doing yoga and making sure you're getting enough sun each day."

I'm torn between laughing and getting worried Alzheimer's has kicked in. "Why are you telling me all this? I know that. You'll bug me over yoga, and I'll constantly say no. None of this is news to us."

"It's also not news to you that I'm a nudist." He meets my eyes so suddenly I don't respond at first.

"I know that."

"And you know that while I might not be comfortable going out without clothes right now, that's something I'll work up to. I'd be happy not to own a single item of clothing at all."

These are all things Madden has talked about before, but he's never put it out there so plainly.

"With Peach Acres … that'll make it easier."

"Yes …" he says carefully. "But I'm not only talking about Peach Acres. When I was figuring out where I wanted to end up after college, one of the things I specifically looked for is places that I could be myself. That was focused on being gay, but it's the same with this. Down the street, at the beach—and not only ones that cater for people like me. I'm a gay man, and I'm a nudist—there aren't many places where I fit, Penn. And I want to fit."

Growing up with a Black dad and a white mom meant that I never felt enough of either, so I know how it feels not to fit. Madden has never made me feel anything less than perfect, and I hate that he has similar insecurities because he'll always fit with me. It's why I made sure I was clear when I moved in here that he's always welcome, exactly as he is. It's something he's worked hard for at Bertha as well.

Even so, thinking of Madden walking around downtown Seattle without clothes is … something I can't wrap my head around.

"You know I'll support you." I don't know how to feel about it all, but because I can understand that longing to be yourself, I set my feelings aside. Madden's are the ones that are important. If that's something he wants, it doesn't matter how awkward and embarrassing I find it. I'll deal.

"You will?"

I hate that he sounds surprised. "Of course. You're the best person I know, and you deserve to be happy."

"You make me happy. So happy."

Well, at least I know I'm doing that right.

"And it won't make you feel … weird? That I'll be around other people? That they'll see me naked?"

I'm immediately about to reassure him, but then I get a flash of him and Damien sitting around naked together, just the two of them, and something turns in my gut. "What do you mean?"

"Like … if I hang out with people, or work with them, or …"

"Damien?"

"While we're working, it's a strictly clothed environment."

I don't miss the frustration in his voice. "But you don't want it to be?"

"Of course not." He inhales slowly. "I know it sounds stupid, but it's like forcing myself into a box. It goes against what we're actually working toward, and honestly, it makes me uncomfortable."

"Uncomfortable? To wear clothes?"

He nods, blond hair framing his face and making his eyes look even more vulnerable. "It's not at all the same thing as when I was gay and scared to come out, but it brings me back to that time. To hiding who I am. To forcing myself to fit in with people and feeling shame that I'm different."

"I didn't know."

He shrugs. "I don't talk about it much."

"Right …"

"I need to know it won't be an issue with us. That later down the line, you won't turn around like Damien's ex did to him and be all ‘actually, things have changed,' you know?"

"Sounds like you and Damien have been having great talks."

He doesn't answer me, and it takes a second for me to recognize the bitterness in my own voice.

Jesus.

"Sorry," I hurry to add. "I'm just curious why you didn't talk to me about it?"

"I am now. It didn't occur to me that we needed to have this conversation until it was pointed out to me."

"He pointed that out?" The fact they're sitting around discussing me has my back up.

Madden's grip on my hand tightens. "Just to check we're both on the same page."

"And if we're not?"

I've stunned him into silence. "Then … then we … I don't know."

Neither do I. Because when it comes right down to it, I don't know how I feel thinking about Madden being naked with other attractive men.

Scratch that—I know how I feel. I feel fucking jealous.

It's the last thing I want, because I trust Madden completely, so why the fuck is that feeling kicking in now? It won't even go away when I really, truly want it to go away.

"I support you, but I can't promise things won't change." It's the only honest answer I can give him. "Boundaries are allowed to change, Madden. People change. It's … it's normal."

"Yeah." It's not the answer he wants though. "Can you at least keep me updated if it happens?"

"Of course. But … who you are, who I'm dating. I support you completely."

Around his friends and at home and even at Peach Acres, I know who Madden is. I love that he has these places he can be himself. More than that … I want to tell him it won't make a difference to me. That I'll go with the flow and be there for him, but I'm a chronic overthinker, and that's going to need a lot of thinking about.

I want to be there for him through everything. I won't know if I can do that until it happens.