Chapter Twelve

Barrett needs to fucking leave. He"s been a pain in my ass since he got here. I was having a good conversation with Daisy, almost opening up to her. Even though we"d shared words that were as far away from opening up as we"d ever been. In those quiet moments we had before he showed up, I"d felt close to her. Closer than I"ve been in years. I could feel it, on the tip of my tongue, ready to explode, and if he hadn"t come over when he had? I would"ve done it.

Maybe I should be thanking the Lord that he showed up when he did, because I"ve never confessed to someone the shit that happened with my grandfather. I was always told not to, that no one would believe me, and I held that close to my heart, obviously longer than I should"ve. Needing to get Barrett out is becoming more of a must. So I make a big deal out of stretching and yawning. "I"m so damn tired," I sigh heavily, rubbing at my eyes.

To my side, Daisy really does look like she"s about to pass out. No doubt it"s been an emotionally trying day for her. She"s said goodbye to a place she"s more than likely grown to love. Just like I had to say goodbye to my parents" house when it came time to live with my grandfather. I"m sympathetic to what this marriage may have cost her. "Me, too," she agrees as she tucks her legs up underneath her and circles her arms around her knees, resting her head.

Barrett eyes us both. "I guess that"s my cue to leave. If either of you need anything, you know where I"m at."

He leaves without much fanfare, and here we are: alone again. I wish I knew how to be the guy I was with her back when we were in college. The one that was slightly more open than I am right now. The one who had a little bit of a fuck to give, and the one who had some hope. I don"t know that it will ever be me again, and I know I should tell her. Let her know that she"s probably going to fight a losing battle, but I can"t bring myself to do it. I can"t bring myself to admit that I"m never going to be the person I once thought I would be, because so many have fucking failed me.

"I"m tired." She yawns loudly, stretching her arms toward the ceiling. "Do you mind if I go to bed?"

"No, but you do know I don"t have another place to sleep right? We"ll be sharing a bed for now." I don"t remember if I"ve made that clear to her, and now I"m realizing how much of an asshole that makes me sound.

Daisy looks over at me, her hazel eyes showing absolutely no room for argument. "Did you not think I realized what I was getting with you when I said yes to this? I know you better than probably anyone, which is saying something considering no one really knows you, Jasper. But I knew there was going to be a lot you weren"t going to tell me. You"d let me figure it out, because that"s how you work. I don"t blame you for it, I understand it"s how you were raised." She straightens her spine, shoulders back and looks me directly in the eye. "But I am expecting everything from you, including the unexpected. Just be sure and stick to your side of the bed, Hamilton. I"m not ready for that yet." With those words, she gets up and heads toward my bedroom.

A small smile plays across my face. This is the Daisy I know and fell in love with before. If I"m not careful she"s going to get to me again. I don"t want to look into that too deeply, but even I know that humans need interaction, and other than my friends, I"ve had very little of that for the past couple of years. I wanted to reach out to her, but talked myself out of it more times than I can count. I couldn"t take the rejection, and I knew she"d give me one after the way I fucked her over.

Although I"ve wanted to do nothing else than protect myself, I"ve also closed myself off. Now I guess it"s time to start peeling back those layers. "I"m going to take a shower, and then I"ll be in there. Hopefully by then you"ll already be asleep, and we won"t have to say anything to each other."

She huffs. "Because Heaven forbid you have to talk about something that would explain more about your feelings. Whatever, Jasper. That's okay, though. I'll do what I always do when it comes to you. Figure it out on my own."

When she gets up, I don"t stop her. I need her to be angry with me, need her to not look at me like I"m someone important to her. That shit hurts my heart and makes me feel like the worst person alive. I give her a few minutes and then I go into the bedroom to grab some clothes to change into. She"s on her side of the bed, with her back to me. While I wish she"d look at me, I understand why she won't. The best thing she does is give me the cold shoulder, she absolutely loves to punish me when I act like a fool. When I have everything I need, I leave as quietly as possible and leave the room.

I don"t know how I"m going to do this. There"s so much water under the bridge between us, and the only time I ever felt like I was understood was when I was with her. When she"d go to sleep at night, I"d burrow in next to her and feel the love from her. I hadn"t felt that since my parents died, and I haven"t felt it since I let her walk out of my life.

While waiting for the water to heat up, I ponder what the fuck I"m going to do. There"s going to end up being a night where I accidentally get too close, where I give in. Obviously, we"ve got to give in at some point to have a child, but I know I"m going to give in before she does, and it"s going to break me. I just hope I"ll be able to survive it this time.

At least better than I did before.

* * *

When I get back to the bedroom, she"s turned over and her eyes are open. She watches as I turn all the lights off, and the fan I always have at my bedside table on.

"I see you still use a fan, even when it"s cold outside," she complains as she tugs the covers up around her neck.

"I sleep hot, Daisy Mae. Surely you remember that."

"Hmmm. I haven"t heard that name in a long time." She curls into herself, stealing the blankets like she"s always done. "You know Mae isn"t my middle name, right?"

"Yeah, I"m aware. I never thought that it was. I"m not that oblivious to you, Daisy. I"m not oblivious to you at all. It"s the name I gave you in my mind the first time I met you. It"s what I"ve always called you. Do you hate it?" I wait, not breathing as she seems to contemplate the question.

Eyes turned golden in the low light flash over to mine. "No, I don"t hate that you call me that. I hate that it makes my stomach lurch because it makes me feel special but I know you. There"s nothing about you that sets out to make me feel special."

I swallow hard, wanting to reach out and grab her hand, wishing I could be the man she"s desperate for me to be. But I"m not him. I"m not sure I ever will be, and I could lie to both of us, but I refuse to. I"ve been lied to so much in my life that I won"t do it to anyone else. "I don"t intend to make you feel special, but if that works for you, then lean into it, Daisy. I can"t promise that I"m never going to hurt you, because let"s face it: I am who I am. What I can promise you is that I won"t set out to do it. This may not be the love your wished for, but I"ll be faithful and honest."

She nods, pulling the blankets up tighter around her neck. "But can you love me, Jasper? That"s what I"m dying to find out."

I close my eyes, sighing heavily. "I don"t know, Daisy. I haven"t loved anyone in a long time. I"m not even sure I know what the hell that means anymore."

Reaching out through the semi-darkness, she grabs my hand. "Maybe I can teach you, if you"re willing to learn."

"Maybe you can."

But as we get situated, I don"t put any stock into that thought. I"m not made for love. My grandfather took care of that.