Chapter 32

CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

What the fuck just happened?

I kept asking myself that question over and over, and I couldn’t find an answer I could live with. For once, I was glad my grandfather was away so he wouldn’t see me like this. I was a fucking mess.

How could I letit happen?

As soon as Max touched me, I was done fighting my feelings for him. I was starving for him. I had been ever since I left town. He was my home; with him, I wasn’t lost.I took a moment to feel loved, cherished, and protected.

Even if what we justshared was a lie.

God, the moment he entered me, I felt alive. I felt awake for the first time in years. I wasn’t only breathing and coasting through life, but I was living.

What did we do?

I took off my clothes like they were on fire. My white dress wasruined and stained—even if the stain was one you couldn’t see, but I felt it, and I carried with me.

How could I do that with him? I knew how a betrayal felt. I hated Abigail, but I never intended to do this to her. I never expected this to happen. I turned the shower on, adjusting the water on the hottest setting, letting my skin burn, but it was the only way I knew I could get my skin clean.

I still felt cold.

The shower didn’t make me feel any cleaner.

Max and I had sex while he was still engaged to her , and if I was honest, I couldn’t regret it. It was so wrong, dirty and raw, but it was still beautiful.

It was us.

For a second, under the rain, in the alley, we were Max and Freya, just like when we were young. It was a different place, a different time, but those feelings we felt were still the same.

How could it be wrong when it was all I ever dreamed of and more? When Max kissed me, I forgot about everything that kept us apart. I couldn’t remember why I leftin the first place. The last seven years felt like it was only yesterday. Abigail was the last thing on my mind. I didn’t care for her, so I didn’t let myself think of her when he was kissing me… touching me… when he was inside me. But as soon as he set me down, his touch no longer felt good, it burned, and it shamed me. It made me into the girl everyone thought they knew.

Slutty Freya .

Sticks and stones only worked because I knew that whatever people thought of me was a lie. I knew that I was better than what everyone thought of me, but now I was precisely the girl everyone always thought I was.

I was a slut.

I slept with a man who didn’t have a girlfriend—no, it was much worse. He was engaged. For crying out loud, his wedding was weeks away. How could I keep living in this town when I couldn’t even look at my reflection in the mirror?

I was ashamed.

I was dirty.

If Max were to touch me again, I was so freaking scared I would crumble and do it all over. I knew myself, and I would succumb to his touch, to have his heat on me, his smell on my skin. Not saying it was right, because it wasn’t, but it was crazy how it was so easy to lose yourself in someone else. To lose all your morals and be led by instinct instead. To want and take because at that moment no one mattered because the heart didn’t understand right from wrong. The heart wanted what it wanted, even if getting it meant starting a war.

Once was a mistake, but to do it again, that would be an affair, and I was better than that. I deserved better. I quickly got dressed, and for a second time in my life, I left my grandpa a note. I didn’t feel too bad about it this time because I would be back, but I needed space to breathe. To think and come to terms with what I did.

Looking at the trailer, I convinced myself that distance was a good thing. Space would do me good. I needed to separate this town from what Max and I did. I slept with an engaged man. I needed to come to terms with my mistake and move on. With shaky fingers, I dialed the last person I’d ever thought I would ask for help.

“Gorgeous, I didn’t think you’d go ahead with our deal,” Ashton greeted me.

“Can we leave right now?”

“Anything for you, gorgeous, just give me an hour.” I heard the smugness in his voice, but right then it didn’t bother me. I gave him my grandpa’s address and waited for him, so I could run away from my problems once again.