Chapter 37

I managed about three hours of anxiety dreams before hauling myself out of bed around ten the next morning. I didn't need to be in school until the maths exam the day afterwards, and my parents had taken Nicky prom dress shopping, so the house was quiet when I tiptoed down to find breakfast.

‘Hey.'

I swivelled around from where I was rummaging in the fridge to see Jonah dressed in a crumpled white T-shirt and dark jeans. For reasons that were possibly as twisted as the rest of this situation, I couldn't stop looking at his bare feet.

I glanced down at my own feet, which looked perfectly normal. I'd put on a sundress covered in pastel flowers with a swirly skirt that reached halfway down my thigh. It was deliciously daring enough to make me feel almost, sort of beautiful.

‘I was thinking about pancakes,' I said, trying to sound as if yesterday hadn't happened but probably failing due to my nerves having gone haywire.

‘Perfect. I'm an excellent tosser.'

I twisted my head to the side, raising my eyebrows in an ‘excuse me?' gesture.

‘Okay. Delete that. I need caffeine before I say anything else.'

He padded over to the kettle and switched it on, leaning back against the worktop and unashamedly watching as I measured flour into a bowl, then whisked in milk and eggs.

‘Didn't sleep well?' I asked, eventually, my scrambled brain unable to come up with anything more inspiring.

‘What do you think?' He twisted up his mouth in wry amusement. ‘I was in the garden at midnight.'

‘Oh. If I'd known…'

‘No, you wouldn't.' He poured the now boiling water on top of the instant granules and sugar, and walked over to where the milk sat on the countertop in front of me.

‘I probably wouldn't.'

‘But you were awake, too?'

‘Only until about five.' I shrugged, with an exaggerated blasé smile.

‘What's the plan for today, then?'

I checked the oil in the frying pan was hot and ladled in a scoop of batter.

‘Revising? Trying not to panic about all the revision I should have done earlier?' I darted my eyes at him before focussing back on the pancake. ‘Thinking about you every ten seconds and freaking out about what I'm going to do.'

‘Only every ten seconds?' He stepped close enough for his bare arm to brush against mine. ‘I'm hurt.'

‘What are your plans, then?'

‘Oh, I don't know now. Yours sound better. I think I'll switch.'

So we spent the rest of the morning, a picnic lunch that I insisted Jonah ate with me in the garden on a blanket, and half the afternoon talking, flirting, gazing bashfully at each other and valiantly not mentioning anything to do with where this was heading while occasionally flipping open a maths study guide and scanning a question we were too distracted to try to answer.

I'd thought endlessly about what it would feel like to spend time like this with Jonah. Alone, with no threat of being discovered or making a fool of myself.

I'd never imagined it would be like this. Easy, peaceful and fun all at the same time. It was light. As if us being together dispelled all the darkness tormenting his soul.

‘So, those notes in my pocket?' He laughed, after I'd been teasing him about his hair, which had grown almost to his shoulders, and he'd shown me where he planned to get a jackal tattooed across one side of his chest. ‘Did you get those ideas off the Samaritans website or what?' We were lying next to each other on the blanket, and he elbowed me in the ribs, making me squirm.

‘So, those songs in the car? Did you specifically search iTunes in order to send me secret messages, or what?'

I poked him back, but he grabbed my wrist, pulling me up against him so that I ended up half lying on his chest.

Oh boy.

‘I did. Yes.' He moved his hand to entwine his fingers around mine. ‘You could have given me a sign that you'd noticed, instead of torturing me with your silence.'

‘I wrote more notes, didn't I?'

‘Because you don't want me to die,' he said, his voice dropping.

‘It's safe to say that I don't, no. That would be pretty horrible for everyone.'

‘But you really want me to stay alive. Not just because it would be a horrible thing to happen to a foster kid.'

‘What, you mean because I'd miss you?' I asked, trying to sound playful as I wrinkled my nose, because Jonah talking about this so calmly chilled me to the bone.

He wasn't joking around, though.

‘Tell me that you'd miss me.'

I took in a deep breath. My ribcage pushed against his chest, warm and solid beneath me. As I let it go, I could feel his heart thumping.

‘I already miss you,' I said. ‘I miss you when you hide in your bedroom for days on end. When you turn in the opposite direction to avoid me in the corridor at school. When I creep down to the garden at night and you're not here. Or I hang about for a pathetically long time in the kitchen, but you don't show up. The thought of you moving somewhere else, where I can't accidentally bump into you on the stairs, makes me miss you so hard I can somehow pretend I'm happy for you to stay as my foster brother. As Bronah. The thought of you never being here? Jonah, if you died, half my heart would die with you.'

I tried to sit up, but he tugged me back down again, his eyes scanning my face.

‘I know it's crazy, I've only known you a few months, and I'm sixteen and never had a boyfriend and we've not even kissed or anything yet. But I can't help it. I feel… I like you even more than Carlos Romero, and he had to move schools because of me.'

‘Shut up.' Jonah smiled, reaching his head up and pressing his lips against mine.

It was my first kiss.

From the way his mouth progressed the gentle peck into something deeper, his hand cradling the back of my head as he pulled me even closer, I guessed it wasn't his.

After a while he expertly nudged me onto my back, bracing himself on his elbow as he paused to stroke the hair off my forehead before smiling at me, waiting for me to smile then bending to kiss me again.

A sound from another garden caused me to freeze, pulling back as panic pulsed through my veins.

‘It's someone closing a car door. Not here.'

I glanced to the side. It was nearly three o'clock. Who knew what time everyone would be home?

‘Let's go inside,' he said, pressing a kiss against the side of my neck that sent more shivers across my skin.

Not wanting to break the spell, we gathered up our things and scurried up to his bedroom, where we carried on as before until the unmistakable chug of Dad's car sounded the alarm.

‘How are you feeling about tomorrow?' Mum asked after Nicky had shown me her gorgeous dark red dress and we'd sat down for reheated chicken casserole because no one could be bothered to cook after a long day.

‘Okay.' I shrugged. ‘Could be better.'

‘Could be worse?' Dad asked, hopefully. ‘How about you, Jonah? Did you have a productive final revision day?'

‘I did, thanks.' Jonah nodded. ‘I learned a lot more than I expected.'

‘Excellent!' Mum beamed. ‘You might get that pass after all.'

‘Way to sound encouraging, Mum.' Nicky snorted. ‘You might, Bronah, if every question happens to be precisely what you studied, and there's a full moon and the invigilator doesn't spot the list of equations smuggled in your sock, you might, just, possibly, sort of pass!' She ended brightly, with a perfect imitation of our mother.

‘I didn't mean that!' Mum laughed, always happy to be the butt of our jokes because she'd seen far too many tears around this table. ‘I was trying not to up the pressure and stress Bronah out.'

‘Ew, Mum!' Nicky groaned. ‘You can't call him that.'

‘Why not?' Mum asked, flummoxed. ‘It's his nickname, isn't it? Libby calls him that.'

Not after today, I didn't.

I could feel myself blushing even thinking about it. I dared the tiniest of glances at Jonah, sitting opposite Nicky as usual, and he winked, almost causing me to choke on a chunk of pepper.

‘Are you all right, Libby?' Dad asked, frowning.

‘Yes.' I stopped, coughed, took a drink of water and coughed again.

‘You're not coming down with something? It's quite common during exams, everyone's so run-down.'

‘Actually, I am feeling a bit… peaky. I might head up, if that's okay.'

‘Why don't you try a nice, steamy bath?' Mum suggested. ‘See if you can clear your airways, relax before you try to sleep.'

‘Right.'

Keeping my eyes firmly downwards – because talking about steamy baths in front of Jonah would have been embarrassing even if I hadn't spent the past few hours smooching him on his bed – I made a clumsy exit.

I didn't have a bath, instead opting for a quick shower once my parents had finished clearing up dinner.

Jonah's door silently swung open as I padded past. By the time I'd run downstairs to tell Mum that I was exhausted and going to sleep, and tiptoed back to peek inside, Jonah was on his bed, leaning back against the wall with his legs crossed. His smile was like an invisible force, pulling me inside.

‘Mmmm.' He wrapped his arms around me the second I climbed onto his bed. ‘You're all… steamy.'

‘I had a shower, actually.' I giggled. I'd dressed in leggings and a T-shirt before leaving the bathroom, still adhering to at least one fostering rule, but it was true that my skin was pink and soft from the hot water.

‘Still steamy.' Jonah pressed his face into my neck, nuzzling beneath my damp curls. ‘You smell like… warm Libby.'

‘It's coconut,' I said, backing off. I was a little unnerved by his reaction.

To my relief, he let me go, reaching out after a few seconds to wrap his little finger around mine. ‘You're beautiful.'

‘Thanks.' As if I weren't warm enough. I gave an embarrassed shrug. ‘You're not so bad, yourself.'

‘You look a bit… are you scared? Libby, I'm not going anywhere with this.'

‘I already told you.' I feigned a huff. ‘I'm not scared of you.'

He flicked his fringe back off his eyes, giving me the full force of his amber gaze. ‘Okay… nervous?'

‘Of course I'm nervous!' My eyes darted to the bedroom door. ‘I don't even have a hot drink as an excuse this time.'

He picked up a notebook from his bedside table. ‘Picking up revision cards.'

‘I don't have to come in, close the door and sit on your bed to pick up revision cards.'

‘If they adopt me, will the rules change?'

I thought about that. ‘There won't be any social worker rules any more. But Mum and Dad have been living by these rules for a long time; I can't see them throwing them all out the window.'

‘You're allowed in Nicky's room. What's the difference?'

I shook my head. ‘I don't want to kiss Nicky?'

‘You want to kiss me?'

‘Well, duh. I think this afternoon was a bit of a clue.'

‘Why aren't you, then?' He leant forwards, coming to a stop tantalisingly close to my mouth, leaving it up to me to span the last few millimetres, which I did, brushing my lips against his.

‘When you're adopted, the rules won't matter. We have to stop,' I said, once I'd pulled away long enough for my head to unscramble. ‘Even in secret. And it's forever, so we can't ever start again.'

He looked away, clenching his jaw before giving a sharp nod. ‘I know.'

‘But this was still the best day of my life. I know it's wrong, but I can't regret it.'

‘Well, that only confirms I've made the right decision. I don't want just one day of this.'

His hair had flopped back over his face, and he glanced at me through the light-brown strands, waiting for my reaction.

‘No.'

‘Yes.'

‘No, Jonah.' I paused, made an effort to keep my voice quiet. ‘You can't turn down this chance. Not because of me.'

‘Even if you walked out that door and decided you hated my guts, touching me made your skin crawl and you ignored me until one of us moves out, it won't change how I feel. Even if we never kiss again, I will still love you. And not in a brotherly way. At all.'

I closed my eyes. It was the best and the hardest thing I'd ever heard.

‘I love you, too,' I whispered.

‘Then I can't do it. I won't do it.'

‘Maybe you just need some time,' I gabbled. ‘If we try to stay away from each other, work really hard at being friends. I don't know – you could get a girlfriend easily. My friend Katie thinks you're hot, she'd go on a date with you…'

‘So, let's say I start going out with Katie.' He grimaced at the very thought, which sent a ripple of pleasure through me. ‘Will it change how you feel about me?'

I waited before answering, wanting so hard to do the right thing and lie. ‘No. But I can live with it. If it means you, Billy and Ellis get the family you need.'

He leant forwards again, looking right into my eyes. I saw a smile dancing behind the gold, and I knew then that I wouldn't change his mind. ‘The only way I'm becoming part of your family is if you marry me.'

‘Woah. That's a big statement.'

‘So is I love you.'

‘Have you changed your plan, then?' I asked, aware that for the first time Jonah was talking about a long-term future. ‘Were my notes successful?'

He laughed. ‘What, trying to persuade me that elephants were a reason to stay alive? They were not.'

He pressed a gentle finger against my mouth, shutting off my protest.

‘But knowing that I get the chance to spend another day, and another, and another, with someone like you… knowing that someone like you… No, not someone like you – just you – cared enough about me to write all those stupid notes. Yes. My plan has changed.'

‘But your new plan is to say no to the adoption.'

‘My plan is to move into one of those supported accommodation units as soon as possible. The kind where they don't have rules about girlfriends staying over.'

‘My parents will be heartbroken.'

‘They'll get over it. I'll be here all the time to see Ellis and Billy.' He took hold of my hand. ‘And my girlfriend.'

‘What will you tell them when they ask why?'

He squinted. ‘That I'm head over heels in love with their daughter?'

I tugged on his hand.

‘That I'm very grateful, but I've spent years taking care of my brother and sister, and I don't trust myself to stop if I'm living with them again. They deserve a proper mum and dad, not a screwed-up seventeen-year-old. And I deserve a chance to be seventeen, without worrying about them all the time. I don't think I can do that if we're in the same house.'

‘Is that true?'

‘Would it make you feel better if it was?'

‘Yes.'

‘Sorry.'

‘Well, if it convinces Mum and Dad, then that's the main thing.' I nestled up against his chest. ‘I still can't believe you love me.'

He was quiet for a few moments. I closed my eyes, revelling in the feel of his arm around my shoulders, his chin resting on the top of my head.

When he spoke, the words were soft.

‘I didn't think it could be like this.'

‘Like what?'

Another silence.

‘I can't remember the last time I didn't have to hide myself from someone.'

I held him tighter, tears burning behind my eyes.

‘I know you won't hurt me. It's just not in you to do that. And I know your parents and Nicky wouldn't try to hurt me either. But I could disappoint them. They look at me with this… eagerness. Like, if only I had the chance, there's this amazing person lurking behind the million screw-ups. You, on the other hand.' He sighed. ‘When you look at me, I feel like I'm already amazing. Like I could save the damn world, because you believe in me. It's not pressure. It's freedom.'

We carried on talking, and kissing, and talking more for hours, only pausing while we heard my parents climb the stairs and go to bed. Somewhere around 1a.m., after I snuck down to the kitchen for drinks and chocolate biscuits, we moved underneath the duvet. There was touching, yes, but Jonah didn't try to remove any of my clothes, and I wasn't brave enough to ask him, even if I'd been brave enough for him to do that.

At some point, our words faded away and, without even realising it, we fell asleep.