Chapter 38

The kids, sensing that their mum was back to feeling anxious and overwhelmed, bickered and whined from their exile in the living room while Dad and I talked in the kitchen.

He listened and nodded and asked a couple of questions, and I wilfully ignored the tiny corner of my brain still rational enough to notice that, rather than seeming shocked, or even upset, he appeared fidgety and distracted. I'd started cooking enough burritos for four people, still chuntering away, when his phone rang.

‘No. Not yet. I'm still here, yes.'

A pause. Dad kept his eyes on the floor as he wandered into the garden, sliding the door behind him. What he failed to notice was the open window, allowing his words to drift in anyway.

‘Libby's had a big shock. She needed to talk about it.'

‘I know I promised, but something has come up. It's serious, this time.'

‘I'm sorry, Janet, but I'm going to have to rethink… No. I meant what I said. She's an adult and I can't plan my life around her, but this is different… No. I don't know. This isn't just about her… Look, can we please talk later? I don't know when. I'll call you. I'm sorry. Bye.'

Dad slipped back inside, looking as if he'd been told off by the head teacher.

‘Janet?'

He cringed. ‘Yes. She, er. Well.'

‘The window's open. I heard everything.'

He jerked his head up. ‘Not her side?'

‘No.'

His sag of relief wasn't reassuring.

‘I've had enough farting about for one day, Dad. What's going on?'

‘I've promised Janet that I'll take a few months off looking after the kids, starting at the end of term.'

I leant back against the countertop. It wasn't a surprise, but still hit me like a hammer.

‘Janet has decided to retire, and, well, the school governors are fuming because it's all a bit quick, but we're not getting any younger. Her sister died recently, and the family were asking if anyone wanted her campervan. So. Well.'

‘You're going travelling?' I asked, a semi-hysterical laugh bubbling up.

‘Don't panic, Libby. We've planned a fortnight in Scotland, maybe a few days here and there touring Wales. And I would have spoken to you and my grandchildren as often as you'd let me. I wouldn't have left you and Nicky; it would just have a been a lot simpler if I wasn't tied here three days a week.'

I sank onto the nearest kitchen chair, my frazzled brain trying to process what he'd said.

‘You said you wouldn't have left me.'

Dad reached across and took hold of my hand. ‘You know I would never do that.'

‘Not that you won't leave.' I gripped his hand in return. ‘Why did you speak as if you aren't going any more?'

Dad frowned, as if it were obvious. ‘Your mum.'

‘My mum, or your wife?'

He paused before replying. ‘I don't know.'

‘What about Janet?'

Dad shook his head. ‘Janet is a lovely friend. But I've been avoiding facing what happened with your mother for far too long. If me and Janet are meant to be, she'll understand that I need to sort this out first. At the very least, I need to be here for my girls. I don't care if you're adults; this is my mess as much as anyone's – I'm not running off to Scotland and leaving you to deal with it. If we've learned anything the past few years, it's that disappearing doesn't solve anything.'

‘You don't even know if she wants to speak to you.'

‘Well, for the first time in five years, she won't have a choice.'

Dad stood up and came around the table to kiss me on the head. ‘We've both got a lot to think about, so I'll head off now. No doubt your sister will be phoning you the second she can shake off your mum.'

‘Dad?' I followed him to the front door, where he waited for me to continue.

‘I'm so sorry. For all of it. Everything. For causing all of this in the first place…'

He wrapped his arms around me, burying my head in his chest as I started to weep.

‘You lost your wife.'

‘My wife chose to leave,' he said, firmly. ‘There are more reasons for that than I can bear to go into today, but none of them started with you and Jonah.'

Dad pulled back to look at me. ‘Would you blame Finn's terrible twos or your difficult pregnancy with Isla for Brayden leaving? Was that their fault?'

‘Of course not! They're children.'

He smiled. ‘As were you, Elizabeth. And even in the years that followed, you were still our child.'

I nodded, wiping my eyes on the handkerchief he offered.

‘Go on that holiday, Dad. I can find someone else to look after the kids for a couple of weeks. Even if you don't go with Janet, you should still go. I mean, after all these years, isn't it time you found the "real Tony"?'

Before he could answer, there was a knock on the front door, followed by the familiar sound of Hazel crying.

‘I'll leave you to it,' Dad said, opening the door to let Toby in before heading to his car.

‘Everything okay?' Toby asked, bouncing a screaming baby on his hip as we walked to the kitchen.

‘Nope. Everything okay with you?'

His grin instantly collapsed.

‘Reunion's off, then?' I asked, patting his back a few agonising sobs later, Hazel cocooned between us, still sniffling.

‘I was looking at your loft,' Toby said, abruptly changing the subject as he surreptitiously wiped his face on the shoulder of my top. ‘There used to be an outside staircase, round the back. The door is still there. Nice-sized windows. It must have been an annexe once. There's probably electrics and decent flooring, although they'd need updating. It'd be easy to convert into a granny flat, only for an idiot teenager.'

‘An idiot teenager? Not you, then?'

‘Could get someone over to have a look at it, see what they think. Are you cooking Mexican? It smells awesome.'

‘By wonderful coincidence I have a burrito going spare.'

‘Want a salad making?'

I handed him a tissue, and a pack of tomatoes.

When Finn and Isla came in to help their honorary big brother set the table, for a few blissful minutes it felt as though I was the kind of woman who could survive anything. Mum turning up, Dad not being around so much, Toby turning my loft into a bachelor pad, Brayden's second not-even-close-to-midlife crisis… an actual date for the first time in ten years.

After all, I'd survived worse.