Chapter 36

I had one exam left, and was down to counting the hours until this month would be over and we could have the extended summer break before starting sixth form. I'd ricocheted between exam rooms and last-minute cramming, trying to make up for all the revision sessions where I'd sat and daydreamed about the boy who was definitely avoiding me. My stress about whether I remembered the stages of cell reproduction or random quotes from Romeo and Juliet was nothing compared to the churning torrent of anxiety caused by the situation with Jonah.

As a family, we'd had two more discussions about what we wanted to do, and it was officially unanimous – although, unofficially, I didn't know whether to feel more terrified that Jonah would end up staying here with his siblings, or for some reason go. I tensed up every time I saw one of my parents, paranoid that they would bring up how I'd made Jonah feel uncomfortable, or that they were wondering whether I needed to talk about something, because they'd seen the way I looked at him…

Thankfully, Nicky was buried in her much more important exams, spending most evenings either in her room or studying at a friend's house. She barely even ate with us, so I didn't have to face her sidelong glances every time Jonah spoke. Which was also rare. He'd taken to eating meals at weird times of day due to sleeping in and then staying up half the night. The snack synchronisation was a thing of the past. Mum and Dad let him get on with it, putting his disrupted schedule down to exam stress. I knew differently.

My parents had wanted to wait until exams were finished before talking to Jonah about adoption, but, with the court hearing approaching, there wasn't time. They ended up taking him out for a burger one evening, leaving me and Nicky waiting at home. Unable to think about revising while such an important conversation was going on, we ended up in the living room with a film and a mountain of junk food.

‘What do you think he's going to say?' I asked, as Katherine Heigl tried on yet another of her twenty-seven bridesmaid's dresses.

‘I don't know.' Nicky kept her eyes on the television. ‘It seems like a no-brainer, getting to live with his brother and sister, but it's a big thing, choosing to become part of a whole new family. I could see him asking us to adopt Ellis and Billy, then opting to move into supported accommodation next year.'

‘Yeah. That would make sense.' I tried to sound casual, even as part of me gripped onto this as a potentially perfect solution.

‘You know him better than I do,' Nicky went on, grabbing another handful of popcorn. ‘What do you think?'

‘I mean—' I rolled my eyes ‘—does anyone really know Jonah King?'

‘Well, I guess we're about to find out,' she said, pausing to listen as a car pulled into the driveway.

We both sat back, ultra chill, but no one came into the living room. Nicky stopped the film at the same second I stood up, fake chillness abandoned.

‘What happened?' Nicky asked, finding Mum and Dad in the kitchen making a drink.

‘He was very appreciative,' Dad said. ‘He told us he really loves living with us and knows Billy and Ellis would have a good home here, too.'

‘But?'

My heart was scrabbling up the back of my throat.

‘He wants us to apply to adopt the younger two, no matter what. But he's still thinking about what he wants.'

‘Totally called it!' Nicky crowed.

‘Really?' Mum asked, sounding defeated. ‘Perhaps, then, you could shed some light on why he's so torn?'

‘It's the middle of exams,' I stuttered. ‘He probably doesn't want to make a massive decision like that right now. If you'd been through the kind of stuff he has, you'd want to be sure the next family you were part of were okay.'

‘Oh, we have raised a pair of wise young women.' Dad sighed. ‘Of course he needs more time to build a bit of trust. The problem is, we don't have more time.'

‘Talk to him again, after Thursday,' I said.

‘Well, obviously not on Thursday.' Mum plastered on her ‘fun foster mum' face. ‘We've got the post-exams cake and karaoke! Aren't Katie and Alicia coming?'

‘Oh, my friend Theo's coming, too,' Nicky said, with a casual flick of her hair that betrayed how much it really meant to her. ‘As a friend, before you start being weird about it.'

‘Are you going to sing him "You're the One That I Want"?' I asked, unable to resist.

‘I don't know, maybe you should invite Carlos and we could do a duet?' she snarked back before disappearing.

‘I know Jonah sometimes talks to you. If he says anything, will you let us know?' Mum asked, handing me a coffee. ‘I don't mean betraying his secrets. But if he thinks something that isn't true, or is worried about something we can explain better?'

I shrugged. ‘He doesn't really talk to me about anything like that. But yeah, I guess so.'

She handed me another coffee. ‘Here, why don't you take this up? I think he's seen enough of us for one evening. You could suggest a last-minute study session together?'

‘You took your time,' Jonah said, raising one eyebrow after opening his door to find me standing there with two mugs.

‘Mum made these literally one minute ago.'

‘I made the invitation six weeks ago.' I caught the flash of a smile, and my breath froze in my chest.

‘Oh.'

He stood back, inviting me in. I glanced down the stairs, but my parents had taken a bottle of wine into the garden. We were safe, for now.

‘I wasn't sure that offer was still open.'

He took his preferred navy-blue mug, correctly assuming that was the one with four sugars in, and we took up our previous position of me sitting awkwardly on the bed, him leaning up against the desk, as poised as a panther.

‘Why not?'

‘I thought you might be avoiding me.'

My inability to lie to this boy made being in his room potentially disastrous. I equally couldn't resist taking the risk.

He took a slow sip of coffee. ‘I am.'

‘Well, I'm hardly going to come knocking on the door of someone who'd rather go hungry than be in the kitchen at the same time as me.'

‘I know. That's why I'm avoiding you.'

‘You're not making any sense.'

‘None of this makes any sense!' He shook his head. ‘I finally get the chance to have a safe place to live. A proper home, with a good family. Who want to adopt me. Me!' He did that thing where he looked over at me up through his fringe, despite his eyes being a good couple of feet above mine. ‘And all I can think about is how badly I want to screw it up.'

‘Is that why you've not said yes? Because you think you might screw it up?'

‘Libby…'

Oh boy. He could have made a whole extended CD of his voice repeating that one word and I'd have listened to it on a loop until the disc melted.

He came to sit next to me on the bed. I hoped he didn't notice the tiny ripples across my coffee due to trembling hands.

‘Me wanting to screw it up is enough of a problem.'

‘Because you don't think you deserve it?' I asked, desperately hoping that wasn't what he meant. ‘We've had plenty of kids who've tried to sabotage their place here because they couldn't cope with a safe home.'

‘Oh, I know I don't deserve it. But Ellis and Billy do, so I'd say yes and make it work just for them. I'm talking about you.'

‘Don't say it,' I whispered.

Say it, my heart begged.

‘Doesn't change it.' He turned his gaze back out towards the room, drank more coffee.

‘But it changes what we have to do about it.'

‘So, your plan is to ignore how we feel, keep living as brother and sister?'

‘You don't know how I feel.'

My heart, pummelling against my T-shirt, was probably a clue.

He smiled, and inside something cracked open and all the feelings I'd been squashing down for three months spilled out.

‘I don't think I can keep pretending. I don't want to pretend. Not with you.'

‘Then you'll have to say no,' I breathed, amazed I had any breath left.

‘Or… we spend the next two years being utterly, excruciatingly honest with each other, and do a very good job of keeping it a secret from everyone else.'

‘I can't feel like this about my adopted brother.'

His smile grew. ‘I don't know how you feel.'

I ducked my head. How I felt was terrified. Embarrassed. As vulnerable as if I'd brought him the coffee dressed in my underwear.

‘Tell me.'

‘I can't.'

He gently rested his fingers against the side of my cheek and turned my face towards his. We were so close I could have counted the flecks of dark brown in his eyes, if my brain had been functioning.

‘Tell me.' His murmur sent shivers across my skin.

I slowly, unsteadily, moved the stupidest, most brazen few inches forwards of my life, and leant until my lips were about to touch his.

‘Jonah?'

A knock on the door sent me jerking back so quickly the dregs of my drink splashed onto the duvet.

Jonah hadn't moved.

‘Yeah?' he called, eyes not leaving mine.

‘I'm about to put a load of laundry on. Do you still want your jumper washed?'

Sighing, he pulled off his sweatshirt, revealing about eight inches of smooth skin as his T-shirt rode up, then opened the door just wide enough to shove the sweatshirt into Mum's hand, mumbled something about getting an early night, and closed the door before she could reply.

‘I should go.'

He leant against the door. ‘You don't sound very sure.'

I shook my head, gripping my curls with both hands. ‘I'm very not sure!'

He moved away. ‘Then you should go.'

I watched out of the window until Mum, having loaded up the washing machine, rejoined Dad in the garden.

‘Just so you know,' Jonah said as I carefully opened his door again, listening out for Nicky chatting on the phone in her bedroom. ‘I am completely sure.'

‘That I need to go?'

‘That I want you to come back. Once you're sure, too.'

‘I don't want to screw things up for you.'

He reached forwards and tucked a stray curl back behind my ear. ‘I was screwed the first time I heard you sing "Wuthering Heights".'

Nicky's bedroom door flew open, her voice suddenly far clearer.

I did the last sensible thing I'd do before everything exploded, and fled.