14. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

" A re you sure you don't mind coming along?" Tallulah asked quietly as I took a seat next to her at the circular table. "I know you don't like these things."

"No, it's fine. Honestly."

I mean, it wouldn't be my first choice on how to spend my afternoon, but I wanted Tallulah to feel supported in this massive undertaking. Sitting in with her and offering whatever feedback I could come up with that might even be marginally helpful seemed like the least I could do.

"Hello, hello, everyone. Sorry I'm late," Sebastian announced, swanning into the room with his most charming smile, shoving his sandy-blond hair back out of his face. Verity truly didn't have a type because I couldn't see a single similarity between Sebastian and the duke.

Actually, maybe the arrogance. Possibly that was something they had in common.

Duke Theon wasn't in attendance today, though he did sometimes like to make an appearance—mostly to make Sebastian nervous.

Today, the Shades in attendance were Captain Soren—sans Astrid because she was too confrontational, and Sebastian was scared of her—and Evrin, Tallulah's mate.

To give Sebastian his credit, the two Shades made a formidable duo to face on his own, and he was doing his level best not to show that he was intimidated.

Soren and Evrin could probably smell it though.

"Meera," Sebastian said politely. "Nice to see you."

"Meera is going to be joining us today," Tallulah put in with her best HR smile. "I've asked the others to sit in where possible—it's good to get a balance of opinions from everyone."

"Absolutely," Sebastian agreed. Hearing the two of them talk made me feel like I was about to get a performance appraisal. "I'd like to pick up where we left off last time with the discussion on portal usage. I'm running late because I was just meeting with one of the Councilors, Randal Jackman, to get his thoughts on the matter…"

I didn't hear the rest because my brain was immediately… loud. Fuzzy and loud. Like I'd submerged myself underwater while everyone talked around me.

Randal Jackman .

I hadn't heard that name in years. Was it warm in here? It felt really warm.

"Meera," Tallulah whispered, resting her hand on my forearm and startling me back into reality. "Are you okay?"

"Of course," I croaked.

You're being ridiculous, I told myself firmly. While I hadn't seen Randal Jackman in years, it wasn't exactly a shock that he was still alive and an active member of the Hunters. He was only the same age as my mother. Last I heard, she was still healthy and active and nowhere near retirement.

"Everything alright over there?" Sebastian asked from the other side of the table. He had a smile on his face, but he was clearly irritated by the interruption. I would never understand how vibrant, fun, kind Verity had ever seen anything in this tactless asshole.

"I haven't heard that name in a few years," I said weakly before clearing my throat, hoping to sound more calm and collected. " That's your point of contact on this? I didn't realize he was on the Council."

"He's not the only one, but yes, of course Randal is involved," Sebastian replied, instantly affronted. "Who else? He officially joined the Council five years ago, and he's mentored me since. There's no one better for the job."

Tallulah was watching me closely. Too closely. She'd see everything. "It doesn't look like Meera agrees."

"Respectfully, Meera hasn't been part of the Hunters for years," Sebastian countered.

Tallulah narrowed her eyes at Sebastian, and he shrunk down in his seat slightly.

"I have some concerns about the suitability for Randal Jackman as our point of contact," I began, aiming roughly in the direction of professionalism.

"Based on what?" Sebastian snapped.

"My personal dealings with him."

"Which consist of?" he pressed.

Damn it. I could hardly say none of your business . I was making it his business by objecting to it. And yet I really didn't want to disclose the nature of my history with Randal Jackman.

"Perhaps you and I could take this conversation offline?" Tallulah suggested, seamlessly slipping back into human resources mode.

"This isn't a decision I can be left out of," Sebastian huffed.

"I'm not suggesting it is," Tallulah replied firmly. "Merely that we table the topic for now. Moving on. Let's discuss the feeding schedule—as you know, we'd like to still have the option for Shades who prefer to feed in the human realm to do so directly. As multiple people have pointed out, the sudden withdrawal of Shades from the realm has had a noticeable effect on the human population."

She'd given me a much-needed reprieve, and yet it still felt like there wasn't enough air in the room for my burning lungs.

"Will you excuse me for a moment?" I said, vaguely in the direction of the rest of the room. I gave Tallulah's hand a light squeeze before standing, making my way for the door without really seeing it.

The walls felt like they were closing in around me, and the moment I was in the corridor, I all but threw myself toward the other side of the hallway, which had an open-air balcony overlooking the circular garden below. The fresh air helped some, but not entirely—not enough.

I'd handled that so badly. What was wrong with me? Briefly, I contemplated marching back in there with my head held high and telling them everything I knew about Randal Jackman, but my legs wouldn't cooperate. I didn't want to lay my idiocy out on a platter for everyone in the room to pick at.

If only Sebastian were actually one of us. Then he wouldn't need an explanation. Then he'd understand what it was like to be on the losing side of a power struggle with a Councilor.

The door creaked behind me, and I took a deep, steadying breath, attempting to pull myself together. Tallulah was sweet, and I'd already been more open and honest with her than I had with the others—something about her made it difficult to hide anything. But I still did my valiant best to act like I was a normal, functioning human in her presence, and I wasn't sure I could pull it off right now.

To my surprise, it wasn't Tallulah who emerged but Astrid.

She came over to the half wall where I was standing, leaning her hip against it and crossing her arms.

"Where did you come from?" I rasped.

"Good fucking luck keeping me out of those meetings. I don't trust Sebastian as far as I could throw him. I just stay hidden now."

That shouldn't have surprised me in all honesty.

"Oh good. Are you here to give me a pep talk?" I asked somewhat dubiously. We were probably as close to friends as Astrid was capable of, but she was not pep talk material.

Astrid shuddered. "Absolutely not. But I got the feeling that you weren't in the right space to be treated with kid gloves, so I told Tallulah I'd come out instead. Also I wanted Sebastian to know that I had eyes on him."

Maybe I didn't give Astrid enough credit for her observational skills. "Thanks. You might be right about the kid gloves."

And the idea of her scaring the crap out of Sebastian by popping out of the shadows was pretty funny.

"So?" she prompted. "What's the deal with Randal Jackman?"

I grimaced at hearing his name again. "Do you know him?"

Astrid shrugged. "Sure. I know everyone. He's a prick, of course. But they all are, so I'm trying to understand why this guy stood out for you."

"This one was a prick to me personally."

"Well that'll do it."

"We can't work with him, Astrid."

She straightened slightly, frowning. "We kind of have to, Meera. I know you don't like the guy, but he's the Council's representative. There's no guarantee we'd get someone better even if they agreed to replace him—and the chances of that are slim at the moment. They're already very cagey with us since we haven't allowed them to assign Sebastian a new buddy."

"We can't," I replied stubbornly, shaking my head. "We can't work with him. It'll ruin everything."

"What exactly did he do?"

I chewed on my lower lip, trying to force the words out I wanted to say, but it felt like I'd be sick if I did. In the end, I gave up with a small sound of frustration. Logically, I knew I hadn't done anything wrong. And while I was frustrated with myself for the choices I'd made, I'd been seventeen at the time and known very little about the world. He knew better.

"Do you want me to get Tallulah? Or Ophelia?" Astrid asked, frowning harder now.

"No."

"Look, I'm not good at this whole being understanding thing," Astrid said, frustration etched all over her face. "If it were anyone else, I probably wouldn't bother trying."

That wasn't true, but Astrid was still in denial about being a nice person.

"I want to help, Meera, but I need a little more to go on. And suddenly replacing Jackman isn't feasible."

I could replace him myself.

"What?"

I startled, looking at Astrid.

"What did you say?" she said, a little more insistently. "You could replace him yourself?"

Had I said that out loud?

"Yes. I could." Astrid snorted, and I immediately took it personally. "You don't think I could do it?"

"I'm not even sure what you're suggesting—it could be anything ranging from writing a strongly worded letter to actual murder—but, well, no. You're not a fighter, Meera. You don't rock the boat—and that's awesome. We all love that about you," she added hastily. "You don't like Jackman. I get it. And maybe, when things have settled down a bit more after the whole Lochan thing, we can table that for discussion and talk about finding a replacement—"

"There is no negotiating with someone that dishonest, Astrid. All of these conversations are pointless if he's the one we're dealing with."

She shrugged uncomfortably. "They're all dishonest, Meera. It's not like there's a good option there."

An oddly helpless feeling washed over me, mixed with a hefty dose of regret. I'd been in a position to do something about Jackman and I'd run away.

That was something I was trying to do less of these days. And yet I still couldn't force the words out. I wasn't sure it would make a difference if I could.

"I'm going to go for a walk," I said stiffly.

"Okay. Yeah, that sounds good. I'll see you later?"

"Sure," I replied, already backing away. If Astrid could smell my emotions, I'd be in trouble. As it was, I was keen to get out of the confines of the palace before any Shades scented me and started enquiring after my well-being.

I walked as fast as my legs would carry me without drawing attention to myself, quickly swinging by my new room that I felt so wildly uncomfortable in. I didn't even know what I was doing, I was operating on autopilot. There was a small purse that I hadn't used since I'd moved here, and I grabbed it now before pulling my notebook out from under the bed and shoving it inside. I pulled the crossbody strap over my head before tugging my oversized hoodie on top of it, smoothing down the bulkiness as best I could. Out of habit, my feet carried me back toward Elverston House, though I veered left rather than right at the last minute, heading for the solitude of the riverbank.

My room in the palace just made me feel so accessible. Anyone and everyone could just walk right up to my door and say hello. Sometimes, they'd even ask if I was free and wanted to hang out. It was my worst nightmare.

Maybe I could move back into Elverston House? Jade sort of seemed to like me. I suspected the ex-Hunters there might understand me better than my own cohort in some ways. Some things were difficult to relate to if you hadn't lived through them.

You're not a fighter, Meera. You don't rock the boat .

What a damning indictment of my character. I didn't think she'd meant it that way—Astrid generally wasn't offensive on purpose—but her honesty had exposed a part of me that I hated.

A part of me that knew I justified my spinelessness as calmness. Peacefulness. Friendliness.

Most of the time, it was just cowardice.

"Meera?" I froze for a moment, recognizing Verner's voice anywhere. "What's going on? Are you okay?"

"What are you doing here?" I asked, confused. We'd already met for lunch today.

"It's my day off," he replied, looking almost a little bashful. "I was just going for a walk and I guess my feet brought me here. Talk to me. What's going on?"

Everything about myself today had me wanting to crawl out of my own skin. Why couldn't I be… better ? More normal? More capable?

In my head, I said of course I'm fine. I'm just getting some fresh air. Isn't it pretty out here? What a lovely day.

I soothed, and I deflected, and Verner went about his day, his mind totally at ease.

But that wasn't what I said out loud.

"I want to go back to the human realm."

"You want to… what?" he repeated, reeling back. "Meera, what's happened? Did someone hurt you? Give me their name. I'll see that justice is done myself. There's no need to leave—I can keep you safe here."

Oh, I believed him. If I asked Verner to, he'd probably give up his entire career to become my personal bodyguard. Not because I meant that much to him—that was a crazy thought—but because he was so honorable, he'd never walk away from someone in need. He'd never ignore a request for help, even if that request was patently absurd.

And I was about to exploit that generosity.

"No one. It's not about that. There's just something I need to do in the human realm. I can find someone else to take me—"

"Meera, I will take you," Verner said firmly. "I wouldn't entrust the task to anyone else. But tell me why you need to do this, please . It's dangerous. It's… well, it's not technically banned any longer. Not for me. But visiting the human realm is still considered an extraordinary risk."

Guilt squirmed uncomfortably in my gut. "You're right, it is. You shouldn't take me. It's not worth it. I shouldn't have said anything."

He watched me expectantly for a long moment before sighing. "You didn't say you're not going to go."

Should I lie? I didn't think I could. Not to Verner. Something about him had me spilling all my truths.

"I'm definitely still going to go."

Verner sighed, but it wasn't in irritation—more like resigned acceptance. And yet I still didn't feel like a burden in his presence like I did with most people. More like a minor, and hopefully still endearing, inconvenience. "Then I am definitely taking you there. Just help me understand why you need to do this."

How was I meant to answer that? How could I explain that I'd spent the last decade of my life being torn in two as shame and anger warred for dominance in my head? Shame had kept me away all these years. Anger was taking me back.

And, perhaps, not a small amount of stubbornness.

You're not a fighter, Meera. You don't rock the boat .

We'll see about that.

"Unfinished business," I said eventually. "I thought I could let it go. That I could come here and move on, start a new life for myself. But I can't, Verner. I can't. I heard his name and…" My voice cracked and I cleared my throat, hating that I showed any sign of weakness. But hating it less than I would if it was anyone else, because Verner would never hold it against me. "He's just living his life like he didn't ruin mine. He's still in a position of power in the Hunters. He has more power now. He's the lead on these new negotiations. And I know him and I know his character. I know how he accumulated the wealth that he has. There's no one I would trust less at the negotiating table, and the outcome of these discussions matters so much. I was too young and too helpless to fight back then. I can fight back now."

Was I making sense? Probably not. The words were spilling out of my mouth faster than my brain could arrange them into a logical structure.

Verner gave up trying to keep his distance, closing the gap between us. "Meera, are you talking about that man from your past? If you want to see him punished for what he did to you, then that's what we'll do."

"Not we," I said firmly, reining in my mental spiral instantly. "It's too dangerous for you in the human realm. Just get me there and back before anyone knows you're gone, and don't tell them it was you who took me."

"You know we can't do that. They'll panic if you disappear."

Unfortunately, I could see the logic in that. I knew exactly how terrifying it was when one of my friends vanished from the realm—it wasn't a new experience at this point.

"I'll leave a note. They'll all try to talk me out of it, and I have to do this. I have to."

"Did you try speaking to the others first?"

"They don't get it," I deflected. I did try to speak to Astrid, and she hadn't gotten it. But I also hadn't done a good job explaining myself because talking to her wasn't as easy as it was as talking to Verner.

"I can't say no to you, Meera," Verner said, sounding slightly pained.

"I know." I swallowed thickly, reaching out to tangle my fingers with his, careful to avoid his claws. "And I know I'm exploiting it. I'll never ask you for anything else."

"Don't say that," he replied sharply. "I want you to feel comfortable asking me for anything, whatever and whenever you need."

I hoped I'd never make him regret those words, though I wouldn't blame him if he did.

"I'll just write them a quick note in Elverston House," I said, giving his hands a squeeze, not wanting to go back to the palace. "Meet you back here in ten minutes? Or are you meant to be somewhere right now?"

"No. I have today and tomorrow off. I'll wait right here."

Impulsively, I went up on my tip toes, wrapping my arms around his shoulders and pulling him in for a hug. My lips brushed his jaw in another entirely inappropriate kiss—if he was any shorter I probably would have gone for his lips again without even thinking about it. What was wrong with me? He doesn't want to kiss you, Meera!

Verner looked slightly shell-shocked when I let him go, his arms raised like he was going to embrace me again for a beat too long, but I was already jogging up toward Elverston House.

There were writing supplies in one of the upstairs storage closets, and I almost headed right for it before remembering that I was technically a guest here, and knocking on the front door after I'd already opened it.

"Meera," Jade said, appearing at the bottom of the stairs and watching me warily. "Everything okay?"

"I, um, need to write a note for the palace. Is it okay if I go grab the writing supplies upstairs?"

Jade watched me closely for a long moment. "You're leaving."

"Not… not forever. There's something I need to do."

Shoot, our conversation had attracted a crowd. So much for getting out of here unseen.

"Can we help?" Patrick asked gruffly, leaning against the door jamb to take the weight off his leg.

"I was sort of hoping to get away without the others noticing. I don't want to worry them, but I don't know that they'd necessarily… get it."

Jade nodded immediately, her expression fierce. "They're different from us. Except Verity. They don't know what it's like."

Part of me thought that I should object. That I should try to convince her that yes , they were like us deep down. That we'd all suffered at the hands of the Hunters Council, though the degrees did vary. But I wasn't sure I had it in me right now.

"How long do you need?" Patrick asked. "Maybe you don't need to leave them a note. We could cover for you. Say you decided you wanted to stay here for a bit."

That wasn't implausible. After that conversation with Astrid, she may well believe that I wanted some space. It didn't feel great to exploit that, but they'd barely know I was gone. I'd be there and back before Astrid even realized I'd left.

I couldn't leave her with nothing, though. After finalizing arrangements with the others, I grabbed a pencil and paper from the storage closet and scribbled a quick note for Astrid.

I love you. I need some space.

I'm sorry I couldn't explain it all properly.

I'll do better next time.

- Meera