12. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

I exhaled heavily as I sat down opposite Tallulah in my new bedroom in the palace. The past few days—weeks, even—had moved at a relentless pace. After the loneliness of just Tallulah and I in Elverston House, suddenly the realm seemed to be filled with fresh faces from the human realm.

I'd wanted to keep busy, but I definitely wouldn't mind if things slowed down a little now so I could wrap my head around all the changes.

"So," I began. "What should I do about the garden?"

Ten new Hunters had arrived from the human realm—none of whom were particularly happy or healthy—and we'd all agreed that they should get Elverston House to themselves to acclimate to life here. Moving out had also been for my own protection though, since the last new additions to Elverston House had harbored a traitor in their midst.

But my garden was at Elverston House, and it was actually starting to produce some food now. I couldn't just abandon it and start over. Both for practical reasons, and because it felt like the garden was all I had left. I'd put everything I had into it, and I didn't want to let it fall by the wayside now.

Tallulah frowned. "I think you should just go and talk to the new residents, let them know that you won't go in the house but you still need access to the garden. Everyone needs to eat, Meera. I'm sure they'll be reasonable about it. Do you want me to come with you?"

It was tempting, but I shook my head. Tallulah was busy enough as it was—she was taking over the negotiations with the Hunters Council, working alongside a small delegation to come to a new and fair agreement.

All I had to do each day was grow my little vegetables. And I was spending time with Iris, wanting her to get accustomed to life here too, but that was definitely more for my benefit than hers. Without Verner for company, I was maybe lonelier now than I had been in all my time in the human realm.

"Is everything okay?" Tallulah asked softly.

"Of course." I swallowed past the sudden tightness in my throat. Tallulah looked more content than I'd ever seen her. She was in love, and perfectly secure in that love.

And I was…

Jealous.

Yes, I was pretty sure that's what that emotion was.

I could never have what Tallulah had. But I wanted it.

Or did I want it? Did I just want what everyone else had? I didn't even know how to make sense of my own thoughts anymore.

"Okay…" Tallulah said slowly. "You've been kind of tense recently—I was wondering if you were struggling with living in the palace now? It's a lot more crowded."

I exhaled slightly in relief. "Yes, it is. Um, it's fine. I'll get used to it. Or maybe I can move back to Elverston House later once the new Hunters are more settled?"

Tallulah pursed her lips. "Well, yes. But if the negotiations go well, then there might be even more new Hunters coming through eventually, right? We need to come up with a solution that's sustainable for you."

"For me?" I repeated, surprised. "You don't have to worry about me, Tallulah."

"We all worry about you," she replied with a wry smile. "We've never really talked about what happened in the human realm," she added uncomfortably.

It was very clear to me that Tallulah didn't want to talk about it, either. That had been a terrifying moment for her, and she was only trying to revisit it now because she thought I needed to.

"We don't have to," I said firmly. "You really don't need to worry about me, Tallulah. I'm fine. I'm doing great."

She hummed, not looking particularly convinced. "Are you sure you don't want me to come and talk to the new ex-Hunters with you? Honestly, I'd usually just invite myself along and put my best HR face on, but I kind of get the feeling that they don't like me."

"I don't think that's true," I assured her. Though, I did wonder if they perhaps didn't trust her. It was Tallulah's psycho grandfather who had sent them over here as sacrificial lambs in the first place. I imagined that they might feel a little less confident around her and Austin than me, for example.

"I'm still worried. I'm just going to keep being worried, you've offered me no reassurance whatsoever. Do you want to come and have lunch with me and Evrin?" Tallulah asked, yawning as she stood.

"No, I'll go down to Elverston House. And you need a nap," I said firmly. "Make sure you're not doing too much, okay? Growing a baby is hard work."

Frankly, we had no idea what kind of work went into growing a human-Shade baby, or even how long gestation would take. At least Tallulah had a wonderful mate, who'd do anything for her and the baby. If he'd seen her yawn, he'd have probably carried her out of here already.

"Okay, okay. We're going to come back for dinner tonight—Ophelia wanted to chat about some things, so I said I'd be there. You can tell me about how it goes at Elverston House then?"

I nodded, letting us both out of the room. "I'll keep you updated."

My new bedroom was on the ground floor, right next to Iris's. It was nice that I could visit her easily, but the moment we were in the corridor, we were bumping into courtiers and palace staff going about their day. I hadn't appreciated the peacefulness of Elverston House enough when I'd had it.

We parted ways outside the dining hall, and I headed outside, taking a moment to myself once I was free from the crowd. The manicured gardens outside the palace were bright with splashes of color throughout, and it took my breath away every time I saw it.

We'd done that. Well, maybe not me. I wasn't sure I was contributing much, except radishes—I was contributing plenty of those. But the others had. They'd made their mark on the realm in such a profound way that we could all see it.

"Meera."

I sucked in a breath at the sound of Verner's gentle voice, my fight-or-flight instincts going into overdrive. He smoothly moved around until he was on the steps in front of me, a couple below, putting me at a height advantage over him and giving me plenty of space.

The urge to run dissipated like it had never been there.

"Hi, Verner."

His mouth crooked up into a slightly ironic smile. Admittedly, I probably could have said something a little more enthusiastic than "hi."

"Hi, Meera. Are you well?"

I opened my mouth to reply before closing it again. Oh god, what was that feeling? Was I about to cry? That would be so humiliating.

Verner stepped down another step, his smile sad. "I've upset you."

"No," I said quickly, moving forward. "No, you haven't. I've upset me."

"Were you walking to Elverston House?" he asked after a long pause. "Perhaps I could escort you there."

"Just like the first time we met?" I replied hesitantly.

His smile grew a little less shaky. "Yes, exactly."

"That would be nice."

We fell into step beside each other, and while the ruined-everything-with-a-kiss awkwardness was still there, it was so nice to be in Verner's company again.

"We should probably talk about it, right?" I said eventually.

Verner hummed in agreement. "Unless you'd prefer to keep avoiding me."

"No, I wouldn't prefer that." We hadn't avoided each other entirely—we'd found ourselves in the same place a few times and exchanged words. He'd been there after Verity came back, and there was no one I trusted with my friend more.

But it hadn't been like it was, because I'd destroyed that. Not with the kiss—though that had been a terrible idea—but by running away. I'd fallen back on terrible habits, and avoided the things that scared me. In this case, it was simply owning up to my own idiotic mistakes.

"I'm sorry—about everything. That whole afternoon…" I shuddered. "I wish I could take it all back. I wish we could go back to how things were. I've missed you like crazy, and I just feel so stupid about the whole thing—"

"Don't, Meera. Please." He lightly rested his hand on my forearm, pausing for a moment to see if I'd pull away. "I've missed you too. We can forget all about it and go back to how things were. Of course we can."

"Is that what you want?" I asked, looking up at him, relief and disappointment warring for dominance in my head.

"I want our midday meals together back," Verner said firmly.

I nodded, my throat tight. "Me too."

"I'm going to hug you now," he warned, gently pulling me in, giving me time to move away. "I know you're not fond of physical affection—"

"It's okay when it's you."

I wrapped my arms around his back, startling at the faint tickling feeling of his shadows moving against my skin and trying not to contemplate whether they were actually acting as a barrier or whether I was essentially hugging a naked dude.

Definitely don't think about that.

"You know I don't actually live here anymore?" I said with a shaky laugh as we pulled away, resuming our slow walk down to Elverston House. "We might have to meet by the river for lunch instead."

"Yes, you're in the palace now. How are you finding it?"

"It's… fine."

Verner laughed, and it was the best sound in the world. "You hate it."

"I don't hate it! I'm glad that I have a place to live, that's for sure. I don't know. I guess it's a little more crowded than I generally like. I'm heading to Elverston House now to ask if they'd mind me still tending to the garden."

Verner frowned. "I certainly hope they wouldn't have a problem with that, considering what a valuable resource it is. One that they benefit from directly."

"I know, I know, but they're skittish." I dropped my voice as we approached the border, both coming to a halt. "I suspect that, like me, these were Hunters who really didn't have an easy time of it. Except, unlike me, they didn't do anything to warrant getting kicked out, so they just lived with the horrible treatment."

"If anyone can get them to feel more at ease here, it's you." Verner's expression softened, and he gave my arm a quick squeeze before stepping back. "I'll meet you by the river tomorrow?"

"Yes please." I smiled, finding myself biting my lower lip and quickly releasing it. I didn't want to look like I was flirting with him now when we'd agreed to go back to the way things had been before.

"Until tomorrow." He inclined his head, which did something incredible to his half smile that I tried to view in a platonic light.

Friends, I told myself sternly, heading up the path to Elverston House. Friends, friends, friends .

I winced at all the weeds I could see popping up in the garden beds, desperately hoping no one would have a problem with me doing at least a little maintenance. Fortunately, we'd had a rainy couple of days so at least the plants hadn't died of thirst.

Before I could even get to the front door, someone was opening it to let me in.

Jade , I recalled from our brief introduction. She couldn't have been older than twenty, yet she seemed to have taken on the role of spokesperson for the group. Which I guessed wasn't surprising—she was a big, firey personality, and many of the other Hunters who'd been sent over with her were… well, definitely not that. I suspected the older ones may have been once upon a time, but they'd had their spirits thoroughly broken over the years.

It was why I had to approach this so carefully. The last thing I wanted was for these people who had already suffered so much to feel any kind of pressure.

"Hi, Meera." Jade tipped her chin up, her arms crossed over her chest. Her words were cordial, but her body language very much wasn't.

"Hello, Jade. How are you this morning? Have you guys had breakfast?"

The new Hunters didn't come to the dining hall for meals yet, and even though food and raw ingredients were delivered to them here, I worried. The kitchen facilities at Elverston House were pretty medieval.

She blinked at me. "Um, yeah. I mean, we all just kind of forage for ourselves throughout the day, then cook together in the evenings."

I made a note to check in with the palace chef that they were being sent forage-type food. Bread. Sandwich fillings. That kind of thing.

"I came here to ask a food-related question actually. I was wondering if you would all be comfortable with me coming here to maintain the garden." I gestured at the beds behind me. "It's all planted with fruit and vegetables from the human realm so we don't have to rely on supply trips for them."

Jade frowned. "I mean, we don't want to starve, so yes. Obviously."

This one could give Astrid a run for her money when it came to being painfully blunt. Probably best if I kept the two of them away from each other. Tallulah wouldn't do well here either— she did her best not to show it, but Astrid's sharp words often rubbed her the wrong way.

"Patrick used to be a gardener," she added begrudgingly, almost as though she realized she'd been a little snippy and was making an effort at politeness. "He mentioned the garden too. Something about helping out. I don't know. I can't remember."

"Perhaps he could speak to me about it?" I suggested gently. Patrick was in his forties and walked with a pronounced limp. He wasn't skittish like the others necessarily—or I didn't think he was. I'd never heard him speak. He seemed more gruff than frightened, though.

Jade watched me silently for a moment, unabashedly sizing me up. She was deeply mistrusting and quick to protect herself regardless of the circumstances, and I had the slightly terrifying realization that I was looking into a mirror. Though, it was more a reflection of who I was when I'd first arrived in the shadow realm than who I was now, I liked to think.

"I saw you. Through the window. Hugging that Shade." She tipped her chin up, daring me to argue.

"Yes. That's my friend, Verner."

If my voice wobbled a little on the word ‘friend', Jade didn't seem to notice.

"Are you sleeping with him?"

I choked on my own saliva, coughing loudly for a moment. "No. That's a really personal question, you know."

To her credit, she didn't argue with me. "Does he not want to sleep with you?"

"That's an even more personal question."

Jade shrugged. "Just trying to work out if they all want to have sex with us all the time. I don't want to do that."

"You don't have to," I replied sharply. "I haven't slept with anyone since I've moved here and no one has suggested that I should."

"What's the point of you being here then?"

I felt my eye twitch. "I grow the vegetables."

Jade nodded, apparently satisfied by that answer. "I guess that's helpful. I'll make sure the others are fine with you working in the garden. I'm sure it'll be fine. And Patrick will probably want to help you—he's bored and restless."

"He's more than welcome to."

Jade gave me one last lingering look. "The queen keeps visiting us, trying to make friends."

"Ophelia is very friendly."

"Tell her we'd rather you come instead."

And with that, she closed the door in my face.

"Hey," Ophelia said, touching my arm gently to catch my attention in the dining hall after dinner. "We haven't had a wine-and-cheese night in a while—we could round up the others and commandeer a sitting room for a bit if you're free? Tallulah, Verity, and Austin are all here tonight, and that never happens."

"Sure, I'm free."

"Perfect! Do you want to grab Iris and Verity and I'll find the others?"

I agreed, following Ophelia's instructions and leading the other two—with Tilly accompanying Iris, of course—to one of the sitting rooms on the first floor. By the time we arrived, there were bottles of wine and goblets set out for all of us, as well as a spread of cheese, crackers, and cakes along the center of the coffee table. The perks of being queen, I guess—if you wanted to throw a spontaneous party, you could just make it happen.

"Come in, come in," Ophelia said, fluttering around the room like a butterfly, shooing her sister out of the way so Iris could have the seat with room at her legs for Tilly. "Oh my gosh, it's so nice to see you all."

"We didn't invite Cora?" Tallulah asked tentatively as she sat down next to me, adjusting her position a few times to accommodate her swelling belly.

While Cora had opted to stay in the shadow realm after her brother's betrayal, she'd withdrawn from public life here almost completely. She was pretty similar in age to Jade, and I wondered if they'd bonded at all since they were both living in Elverston House.

"I tried," Astrid replied with a shrug. "She didn't want to come."

Ophelia narrowed her eyes at her sister. "How did you ask, though? Was it nice?"

"I'm always nice," Astrid deadpanned, somewhat gently shoving Austin's leg out of the way so she could sit down.

"You're in a cheery mood," he snorted, already a couple of pastries deep.

"I'm cheerier now that you're not manspreading all over the couch."

Ophelia massaged her temples, and I poured her a goblet of wine.

"I imagine Cora is struggling a little," I volunteered, handing Ophelia her drink. "With everything that happened with her brother… Well, that must have been challenging. And the new residents of Elverston House are suspicious as it is, I'm not sure she'd have made any friends there. Cora is also from quite a respectable Hunter family, and they've not had good experiences with those…" I trailed off, realizing everyone was staring.

"You know," Austin began conversationally. "That's the most words I've heard you say in a row ever."

"It's hard to get any in edgewise when you're around," I replied mildly, slightly miffed that he'd called me out.

Austin laughed, unoffended as always. It took a lot to ruffle him.

"I'd like Cora to move into the palace, but I guess there are some security concerns about that," Ophelia mused.

"Very reasonable ones," Astrid added under her breath.

Jade's words from earlier floated into my mind and I cleared my throat awkwardly. "I went to Elverston House earlier to ask if they were okay with me still working in the garden out front."

Astrid narrowed her eyes. "They better be."

"They are," I said hastily, not wanting her to get any ideas and march down there. That would not be good for our tentative truce. "Though, they did request that perhaps I could take over visits for the time being."

I shot Ophelia an apologetic look as her jaw went slack.

"Do they not like me? Everyone likes me!"

Astrid smirked at her sister's outrage, and it might have been the most cheerful I'd ever seen her.

"I'm sure they like you," Tallulah soothed. "Maybe it's the whole royalty thing throwing them off. It might be a little intimidating, that's all."

"Or maybe it's your personality," Astrid suggested. Ophelia threw a balled-up napkin at her, and I suddenly missed my own sister fiercely. Not that our relationship had ever been like that—we'd never been peers the way Astrid and Ophelia were. But it was nice to imagine a life where we were.

"How's all your important negotiating-shit going?" Austin asked Tallulah, taking a break from demolishing all the pastries. "Are you like a foreign dignitary now? Do you get diplomatic immunity?"

She rolled her eyes at him. "It's going good, I think. Though, I do think it would be helpful for you guys to come along—not all the time, but perhaps taking turns accompanying me if you're open to it. I know I'm not thinking of everything, and Sebastian is… well, very Hunter Council-focused in his approach."

I grimaced. Sebastian was the Hunter Council's errand boy, his job was to negotiate on their behalf to formulate a new peace treaty. Verity gagged dramatically at the mention of her ex-boyfriend before taking a sip of her wine. She'd been awfully quiet so far—either she was bored of the somewhat administrative conversations, or she was plotting something. It was difficult to tell where she was concerned.

"I'll come to the next one," I volunteered.

"I'll come to the one after that," Iris added. "I want to be more involved. You guys don't have to hide me away anymore. The Hunters know I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere. No matter what they say."