11. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

" I hate it here," Rainy complained, decimating a piece of meat with her claws. "I want to go home."

"Well, you know why you can't," Damen said cheerfully, clapping her shoulder on his way up to the high table. "Try not to look so miserable about it."

While I understood that Theon's sister had to be exiled here for a while—both for her idiotic actions, and to give Verity some time to recover in peace after her chaotic journey to the human realm—I didn't quite understand why she was sitting right next to me at dinner.

Rainy didn't like the ex-Hunters as far as I knew. Then again, she might have some misplaced guilt since Verity had only gotten hurt because of Rainy's dumb impulsiveness. Maybe complaining next to me throughout each meal was her version of extending the olive branch.

"Is your mom here today?" I asked, making one valiant attempt at small talk while Tallulah charmed all the male Shades who were sitting at our table with her polite but distant flirting.

"No. I was mean to her yesterday, and she said she would give me a day to myself to think about my actions."

If Shades could roll their eyes, Rainy would have.

"And did you think about them?"

"Yes. And I think Mother should be more understanding as I'm obviously going through a very difficult time. Everyone is very mad at me, and I can't help that it makes me angry."

"Right…" I said slowly, not having the first clue how to respond to that. I definitely wasn't ready for motherhood. Teenagers—Shade, Hunter, or human—were absolutely terrifying.

Verner would know what to say to her , I thought suddenly. Immediately, I felt as glum as Rainy looked. I'd seen him multiple times from a distance now, but the idea of approaching him made me freeze up in terror. Why was I like this? I was sure other people didn't have this problem. They probably screwed up and then went and addressed those screwups head on, and everyone moved past them and got on with their lives.

I wanted to be like that. Why couldn't I be like that?

"I wish I'd never gone to the human realm," Rainy sighed, pushing her plate away and slumping down with her forearms resting on the table.

"Why did you?"

She cut me an annoyed look. "Because everyone else got to. Obviously. Why should this stupid Hunter-Shade war get in the way of my generation getting to experience the things that all other Shades got to experience? That's so unfair."

Huh. Looking at Rainy, hearing her speak… Suddenly, the idiotic girl I'd been at seventeen seemed a lot more reasonable. Maybe I hadn't been particularly na?ve, or particularly desperate, or particularly shortsighted.

Maybe I'd just been a regular teenager. I'd only been able to conceptualize the world as far as I could see it, never thinking beyond that, always confident that I knew best. And ever since, I'd punished myself for it, thinking that anyone else would have known better. I could let a little of that anger at myself go now.

That kid had been doing her best.

The one next to me probably was too. One day, she'd look back on this moment and shake her head at how worried she'd been about having perfect experiences in the middle of a cold war.

"Why doesn't Austin ever eat at the palace?" Rainy asked suddenly, giving me an accusatory look. "He's much more interesting company than you."

Maybe Rainy was a few years off that epiphany, though.

"Meera!" Ophelia said cheerfully, stopping me in the hallway. "Where are you off to?"

"I thought I might visit Iris."

I felt nervous at the idea of dropping in on someone I didn't know unannounced, but I figured Iris had to be more nervous than me. She needed friends, and I was going to do my best to be that person for her.

She'd only arrived from the human realm yesterday, escorted by Soren and Astrid, and accompanied by her guide dog, Tilly. Coming to the shadow realm had been terrifying for me, and I'd been able to physically see what I was walking into. Iris might be the bravest person I'd ever met.

"Oh, good." Ophelia exhaled. "I was actually going to stop by there later myself, but the Elders have convened a meeting that I can't miss. I'm glad she's not going to be sitting by herself all morning."

"I don't have anything on. I can stay with her all day," I assured Ophelia, awkwardly returning the hug she gave me before heading down the corridor to Iris's room.

It was still intimidating to go places by myself, but I was pretty sure that I was getting the hang of it. As always, I'd been panicked over nothing—most of the time, I got a quick "hi" or a wave, and everyone continued on with their day. I dreaded to think how many opportunities I'd missed in life because I was too busy worrying about the hypotheticals to go out there and just do it. I'd probably miss a few more too, though.

As much as I wanted to banish those demons, they insisted on hanging around in my head.

"Come in," Iris called when I knocked on the door, sounding far calmer than I would have under the same circumstances.

"Hi," I said awkwardly, letting myself in and closing the door behind me. "I'm Meera. We met yesterday."

"I remember. Please come sit. I'm still figuring out where everything is," she added with a laugh. She'd taken a seat by the double doors that led out into a private courtyard—a room Prince Damen had chosen for Tilly's benefit. I pulled over one of the dining seats so I could sit by her without shouting across the room.

It was a very nice room. Much nicer than the rooms at Elverston House. We'd all been given the opportunity to move into the palace, but I wasn't ready to give up the space and privacy of the crumbling old manor just yet.

"How was your first night?" I asked, doing a double take when I realized that Iris didn't look quite the same as she did yesterday. When she'd arrived, I'd thought she had light brown hair, but I was guessing that was temporary dye, since patches of pale blonde were catching in the light.

"Strange," Iris admitted. "I didn't sleep much. Honestly, I might have been dozing when you knocked on the door."

"Oh, I'm sorry—"

"Please, don't be! I'm very glad you came, and I can nap later. I spent almost every night of my life in the house I grew up in. It just feels odd to be somewhere else."

"Do you have everything you need? Is Tilly okay?" I asked. The dog in question opened one eye lazily before resuming her snooze on the floor. I wasn't entirely sure how guide dogs worked, but it seemed that she was off duty right now.

"Oh, yes." She shot me a guilty smile. "I feel bad not cleaning up after Tilly, but Prince Damen assured me it would all be taken care of. And they brought a tray of food right to my room for me this morning—how kind."

"There are definite perks to living in a palace," I said with a quiet laugh. "If you ever want to come and eat dinner in the dining hall with the rest of us, I could come and get you?"

"Oh, would you? I would love that. Gosh, everyone has been so very kind and welcoming."

My protective instincts were in overdrive where Iris was concerned, and I'd only just met her. She was just so… sweet .

"Do you like living here, Meera? My parents told me the most terrible things about Shades and I don't think they're true at all."

"Everyone has been amazing," I assured her, swallowing past the lump in my throat that arose every time I thought of Verner. If I could do half as good a job of making Iris feel welcome here as he'd done for me, I'd be doing pretty well. "The human realm was a pretty tough place for me. Life here has been a lot easier. The Shades have been really accommodating, and all the other ex-Hunters are wonderful."

Iris nodded thoughtfully. "It can't all have been smooth sailing, though. Adapting to a new culture must have its challenges. I don't want to do something wrong and offend everyone."

She was so thoughtful. Definitely more thoughtful than I'd been when I'd arrived.

"I don't think you need to worry about that," I said slowly, wondering if I just hadn't found that part intimidating because I'd already done the big cultural adaption before when I'd moved from India to the US. "Especially not here at the palace. The Shades who live here come from all over the realm. It's a melting pot, I guess."

Iris hummed. "Okay. But will you help me at dinner to make sure I don't make any faux pas? My nana was very strict on manners. I want to live up to her expectations of me."

"Sure, yeah. I can help with that." I looked around her room. "Do you need help to unpack?"

"I didn't really bring anything," Iris admitted. "Just food for Tilly."

"Well, we need to get you set up then," I said, standing up and surveying the space, grateful that I had a concrete task I could help with. Keeping busy kept my mind off my own failures, and if I could channel that need to keep busy into something helpful, so much the better. "Let's start with clothes—you look to be about the same size as Verity, and she's somehow accumulated so many clothes that she left a bunch behind when she moved out. We can start there until Astrid has a chance to get you some of your own." I grimaced. "I don't know how comfortable they'll be. I don't think Verity has dressed for comfort in her life."

Iris laughed, clasping her hands together. "Oh, what an adventure this is already! I'm so glad I came here."