10. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

I knew before I even left the palace the next day that Meera wouldn't be waiting for me at lunchtime. It was my day off at least, so I didn't have to hear Andrus's complaints as I stopped by the kitchen to pick up food for Meera and made my way toward Elverston House.

The garden was empty, of course. I'd come back at night and disposed of the heavy shrub Meera had been wrestling with, and she'd clearly been out at some point to sweep the paths free of dirt, but she wasn't here now.

Tallulah made a quiet sound of surprise as she appeared on the pathway, reeking of sex as she often did, though I only knew that because I was regularly in this part of the grounds. I doubted the other Shades at court had noticed.

"Could you give this to Meera please?" I asked, handing her a bowl. Calix had been trying some new meat-free recipes with ingredients Astrid had sourced from the human realm, and I was eager to ensure Meera could have some.

"Sure," she squeaked, her cheeks blooming an impressive crimson color.

"Thank you."

I inclined my head respectfully before heading back in the direction of the palace, hoping the worry I was feeling on the inside wasn't showing on the outside.

How were we going to talk about what had happened yesterday if Meera kept avoiding me? I didn't even know what had happened. Everything had been fine. We'd been talking. She was in a good mood. Her scent had been magnificent.

She'd pressed her lips to mine, and I didn't know what it meant or what she was trying to achieve—it was almost certainly some kind of human action that I didn't understand. Perhaps some kind of… gesture of friendship? Though it was a very intimate one if that was the case.

I adored Meera, but I also knew that she hadn't handled that well. There was nothing the two of us couldn't get through if we talked it out—that was one of the things I treasured most about our friendship. If she hadn't run off, we could have discussed it. I could have asked her for an explanation of what the gesture meant, and how I should reciprocate accordingly.

But I couldn't be angry at her, even knowing she'd put our friendship in a difficult position. I knew Meera well enough to know that she was probably panicking right now, and almost certainly blaming herself. I just wanted to be there for her. When she was ready.

Instead of returning to the palace, I made for the portal instead. Perhaps more cake would help? If nothing else, it might help Meera feel certain that I wasn't angry or upset, and she could come to me whenever she felt comfortable talking.

Rather than going straight to the market like last time, I found myself heading in the direction of Sunlis instead, stepping out of the entry room near my family's home and immediately being weighed down by the thick humidity in the air.

No good was going to come of this visit, I already knew that. This was undoubtedly some form of self-flagellation for not reacting better yesterday, even though I didn't know what I was meant to be reacting to.

"Oh," Morcant, the steward, said as I arrived at the doorway. "I didn't realize we were expecting you, Master Verner."

"You weren't. I thought I might visit with my parents awhile."

Morcant fussed unnecessarily, his shadows flickering in irritation. He was clearly struggling to come up with a suitable response, but he was saved by Mother, who rounded the corner at that moment.

"Verner!" Mother said, freezing when she saw me. "Were we expecting you?"

My smile grew tighter at hearing the question again. "No. I thought I would stop by. It's my day off."

"Oh, I see." Mother's shadows flickered restlessly.

"Is that okay?"

"Morcant has only set out tea for your father and me," she fretted. "And if we don't drink it now, it will go cold."

"I'll sit with you while you take your tea. There's no need to make any accommodations for me," I assured her.

"Perhaps you could stand next to us so we don't have to ruin the table arrangement with an additional chair."

Gods forbid.

"Of course, Mother."

She made a sound of discontent, but gestured for me to follow her. This was an even more terrible idea than I'd initially suspected. I should have known that when my parents had encouraged me to spend more time at home, what they actually meant was send a message several days beforehand with the exact timings of my visit. Or just move home, and be here all the time, at their disposal.

"Is Osric not joining you today?" I asked as we walked down one of the curved open walkways to the covered sitting area where they took their midday tea. The thick, lustrous foliage grew along the sides of every walkway, and I always felt like I was outdoors even when I was inside at my parents' place.

Was that a hint of green in the leaves? I wanted to stop and take a closer look, but I suspected that acknowledging that particularly visible sign of change in the realm might push my mother over the edge.

"He has decided to court a very respectable female from Skulen. He is with her today."

"Is he?" I asked dubiously. I'd never seen Osric show a romantic interest in anyone, but perhaps he'd decided he wanted a child. I hoped she was aware of his intentions and felt the same way.

"Yes," Mother sniffed. "Osric takes his responsibilities seriously."

"I wasn't aware he had any."

"Continuing the family line is a responsibility we all share," she snipped, shooting me an impatient look.

This was a new development. Usually, I was only pressured to quit the Guard and move home.

"Verner has decided to join us," Mother announced as we walked down the few steps to the seating area where two chairs had been set up around a small circular table. "He will stand so as not to ruin Morcant's lovely arrangement."

The lovely arrangement in question was a teapot and two cups, but I kept silent. No good would come of pointing that out.

"Have you left the Guard yet?" Father grunted as I stood next to the table, clasping my hands behind my back.

"Not yet."

Father harrumphed as he poured his tea. He set the teapot down, and Mother reached across the table for it to pour her own. They were very unaffectionate with each other, I realized. It was strange to see their relationship through the eyes of an adult. Then again, that they were still together at all was an oddity among Shades, whose relationships tended to be more short-lived. Quietly, I suspected that no one else would tolerate either of them, so they'd wisely stuck together.

"I was just telling Verner about Osric, and the female from Skulen he is courting," Mother said, her tone conversational. "Won't it be nice if a child results from their union?"

I must not have hidden my expression fast enough, given the look Mother gave me.

"It will be nice," Father agreed pointedly. "Finally, a new generation of Shades at Sunlis. As it should be."

Well, that was probably enough suffering for one day.

"I certainly hope he is successful in his endeavors," I said dryly. "I'll be on my way now—I'm sorry for interrupting your tea."

"Just give us warning next time, Verner," Mother huffed. "It really isn't that difficult."

Neither was bringing out a third chair and cup , I thought silently, inclining my head respectfully before making my way back to the walkway. Instead of heading for the door, I went to the western wing of the estate, confidently greeting the staff I encountered as though I was meant to be there. My own rooms had been taken over by Osric—the prick—but that wasn't where my feet were taking me anyway.

Instead, I went to my sister's rooms.

They were the second largest in the estate after my parents' suite, and remained untouched to this day. For all of my father's talk about forgetting Elisaria had ever existed, my parents certainly weren't rushing to erase her presence here.

I closed the door behind me and made for the window seat, throwing open the shutters to let light and fresh air in. She'd requested that heavily perfumed flowers be planted right outside her window, and the sudden rush of scent through the open window gave me an unexpected pang in my chest. No, we'd never been close, but she still should have been here. She'd wanted this life. She knew the estate back to front, and seemingly enjoyed the responsibilities that inheriting placed on her.

My parents wanted me to fit into a Elisaria-shaped mold, and I never would. I never wanted to.

The insects buzzed outside, and the breeze through the window made the heat of Sunlis slightly more bearable, so I didn't rush to leave. What was Meera doing right now? I hoped she'd eaten her lunch and enjoyed it. It worried me how few food options she had here since she didn't eat meat.

Would she go out in the garden this afternoon? Perhaps she'd stay inside and write more in that mysterious notebook of hers.

I sighed heavily, tipping my head back against the wood paneling behind me, careful not to catch my horns.

We would work through this eventually. Friends didn't give up on each other, and I would show Meera that I had no intention of giving up on her.

But until then, I had to pull myself together. I had to decide how to proceed with my family, with my future. I couldn't put it off forever.