Chapter 3

"How was the ball?" Caius asked, blowing a smoke ring before finally handing the pipe over, the show-off.

It was absurdly cold out here in his overgrown garden at the base of a mountain, but he never invited me inside the small cottage, no matter how frigid the air became.

I suspected he was ashamed of it. A one-room dwelling in a cold, damp, miserable area of the realm hadn't been what Caius had envisioned for his future.

It was probably what he had envisioned for mine.

"It was good." Excellent. Best sex of my life. I wasn't telling my brother that, though. I wasn't telling anyone about that. That knowledge was just for me.

There weren't that many ex-Hunters in the shadow realm. It wouldn't be difficult to figure out who I'd spent those blissful few hours with, and I'd feel like a real prick if Tallulah's reputation was hurt by association. Especially when she'd so generously used me to sate her curiosity, not to mention feeding me so well that I'd had to go siphon at the energy stores last night before the jittering got out of control.

Caius stared at me while I took a long drag of the pipe, letting the flux moss blunt the edges of the desperate desire I had to see her again.

"Good? How could it have been good? Wasn't it a ball at the palace? Surely, you didn't show yourself inside. You'd send half the guests running in fright," he added with a scoff.

"I was mostly outside, keeping watch from the courtyard."

"Staring longingly through the window, you mean?" Caius asked snidely. He hadn't always been like this. The Caius of my childhood had been distant and aloof, but fair. "Was he there?"

"I didn't look."

I'd diligently not looked. Our middle brother would be expected to attend these events, having won the family seat, but I went out of my way to avoid him. It wasn't as though we'd been close before, but I was still saddened to see what Roan had become. To see what the once good relationship between Caius and Roan had become.

Undoubtedly, Roan felt pity when it came to me and the position I'd chosen in the Guard, but I'd never had the luxury of choices that they'd had. The Guard gave me somewhere to live, provided for all of my needs.

I had plenty to be grateful for.

"Fuck him," Caius muttered under his breath, glaring into the middle distance. We both knew he was waiting for the herbs to kick in and transport his mind away from those unhappy memories. Away from the life he'd been denied.

I hummed in agreement because it was easier, as though Caius had any interest in spending time with me before he'd fallen out with Roan.

"Are you going to start going to court stuff now?" Caius asked, his voice laced with suspicion. "You never bothered with the events before. Is this because of those Hunters that came over? You know none of them will want you, right?"

You're curious, I'm curious. I don't expect anything from you.

"That goes without saying." She'd laid it out explicitly, and I was more than grateful for what I'd had.

Grateful, and a little guilty. Tallulah hadn't been able to see in the low lighting, obscured by the bushes, how malformed I was. If she'd known just what kind of Shade she was letting touch her perfect body, she'd be horrified. In hindsight, I almost wished I'd given her a different name, on the off chance she asked about me and someone told her how repulsive I was. Or worse, insinuated that somehow she was repulsive for letting me touch her.

On the other hand, I couldn't stomach the thought of her calling me by any other name.

Caius nodded absently, the flux moss finally kicking in. "Good. Obviously, I don't need to tell you this, but absolutely nothing good in life comes from wanting more. Settle for what you have, Evrin."

While I didn't disregard Caius's words—he'd seen firsthand what life was like living with the fate I'd been handed—I couldn't bring myself to stay away from Tallulah entirely. I wasn't hoping for more. I was settled with what I had.

I just needed to see Tallulah sometimes. After she'd confided in me—perhaps in more detail than she'd intended—about how she felt in front of others, I couldn't help but worry almost every single second that I wasn't with her that she was struggling.

Logically, I understood that she didn't want my support. That she'd just been sating her curiosity on me.

And yet, I couldn't stay away.

I lingered as far away as I could outside the palace while still being able to see the front steps where Tallulah would exit after breakfast to head back to Elverston House.

The mere proximity to her seemed to help with what I could only describe as withdrawals. It was not a sensation I'd ever experienced before—I didn't depend on others. But I'd also fed incredibly thoroughly on Tallulah, which perhaps had created this strong need to be in her presence. Power was intoxicating, after all.

Usually, Tallulah emerged arm-in-arm with one of the others, laughing loudly, her blue eyes sparkling. She had a laugh that was somehow delicate and robust all at once. I could have listened to it all day, but I never forgot that it might be a front—she'd admitted at the ball how much worry was hiding beneath that cheerful expression. But I suspected that when she was with the other Hunters, her smiles were mostly genuine. It was from my fellow Shades that the expectations came.

Today, Tallulah didn't emerge with the others. She didn't emerge at all, not until the breakfast crowd had cleared entirely, and even then she seemed to be dragging her feet, twisting the fabric of her dark purple dress before seemingly forcing herself to release the material and smoothing it down.

Tallulah paused at the top of the stairs, her fingers flexing restlessly at her sides, looking around as though she was searching for something. My mind supplied an image of the small gap in the bushes she'd discovered at the ball to squeeze into.

She'd looked like this then too, the moment she'd come out in the courtyard while I'd been watching her from between the leaves.

My feet were moving before I'd even consciously made a decision to speak to her. Fortunately, since the breakfast crowd had dissipated, no one saw me approach her. Tallulah was clearly having a tough enough time without that indignity on top.

"Do you need a moment?" I asked her as gently as I could, though she still jumped when I saw her. I braced myself for her rejection—especially seeing me as I was in broad daylight—but Tallulah just gave me a strained nod, her eyes wide and a little frantic. Her scent wasn't quite signaling alarm, but it wasn't entirely content either.

I ushered Tallulah down the steps, intending to lead her into the mazelike gardens that extended out in front of the palace, spreading out toward the barracks. They were perfectly manicured, and the plants were cut low—no good for a Shade wanting to hide away from the world, but Tallulah was significantly shorter than most Shades. I could find her a little spot to squeeze into.

"No," Tallulah rasped, grabbing my elbow and tugging me toward the portal. "Can we go in here? Just for a moment?"

"Into the in-between?"

Tallulah nodded. It would definitely be easier for her not to be seen with me if we were in the dark, though it pricked at the remnants of an ego I had thought long since dead.

Regardless, if that was what Tallulah wanted, that's what I would give her. I switched our positions, so I was gently holding her elbow instead, and guided us through the portal, plunging us into darkness. Although it had been her idea, I was still inhaling deeply, searching for the fear or discomfort that I was certain would come at being alone with a relative stranger in the dark, but it never came.

I navigated the dark expanse with ease, taking us to a spot that I rested at during my long shifts. The caspite that made up the in-between responded to me, pressing in close in a way that most Shades found oppressive, but I was used to.

Tallulah sucked in a breath, and I watched, entranced, as she reached out, her delicate fingers grasping at nothing. She could feel the darkness pressing in, expanding into every space it could fill, but it wasn't solid enough to touch.

"Here," I said, lightly tugging on Tallulah's arm, encouraging her to sit. This was a quiet area that wasn't on any main travel routes. I'd never been bothered here. To my shock, instead of sitting opposite me as I'd expected, the moment I was on the ground, Tallulah crawled into my lap. Then again, perhaps I shouldn't have been shocked. She'd liked the confined nature of the spot she'd found at the ball, and the in-between was anything but confined.

My arms weren't, though.

I pulled her crossways on my lap, cradling her in my arms, marveling at the way she seemed to fit so perfectly. Tallulah hummed softly, nuzzling her head into the crook of my neck as though it was always meant to be there, sighing happily when I cocooned us in a layer of my own shadows. We both shuddered at the sensation of my power brushing her bare skin. I didn't know how it felt for her, but for me it felt… possessive. Like Tallulah was mine, and I had the right to cover her in my shadows whenever I pleased.

I didn't, but in the peace and privacy of the darkness, with Tallulah's inferior human eyesight, it didn't matter that I was a damaged third son, or that half the realm was terrified of me. My arms were strong enough to hold her, and my shadows were dense enough to surround her, and Tallulah was content with that.

"It's not too much?" I asked, aware of just how dark it was here. Even many Shades would find it eerie.

"Not at all." Tallulah sighed peacefully, the sour edge of her scent slowly disappearing.

"Have you always liked sitting in dark places?"

Tallulah laughed, and I fought down a tremor of desire as she inadvertently rubbed against me. "Yes, actually. I have a very restless mind, and when I'm squished up somewhere and I can't see anything… I don't know. I can't explain it. Maybe it's just the lack of stimulus. It gives my head a break. Um, I'm sorry for climbing all over you. I didn't even realize I was doing it—"

"Don't apologize." My arms tightened around her reflexively. "You like confined places. This is confined. Did something happen at breakfast?"

"No. Not really?" Her laugh was a little more uncertain this time. "I don't know why I'm like this. Sometimes there's no tangible reason."

"That's okay. There doesn't need to be."

Tallulah's scent sweetened instantly, a soft smile lighting up her face as she peered up at me in the dark. She was so beautiful, it was almost painful to look at her.

"Won't the others be looking for you?" I asked, trying and failing to remember the other Hunters' names.

"It'll be fine. We don't, like, report on our movements or anything to each other."

"Perhaps you should?" I suggested mildly. "You're in a foreign land, after all. It would be best practice to have some kind of security measures in place to keep yourselves safe."

Frankly, I was disappointed that the king hadn't suggested such a thing himself, though, I suspected he was so eager to keep the Hunters here that he'd give them as much leeway as they desired to do whatever they wished.

"It's probably not the worst idea," Tallulah agreed thoughtfully. "Though I think we're all very conscious of not… being in each other's business while we adjust to life here."

The expression was a human one, but I got the gist. It was interesting that they felt the need to be reserved even with each other, given that they were all experiencing this strange change in circumstances together. Then again, perhaps they were all mingling with shamefully undesirable Shades too, and didn't want the others to know.

"Words are easy, but for what it's worth, you're always safe with me, Tallulah. Even out here. Especially out here."

I wished I understood the look on her face and the nuances of her scent—though it was so muddled today that I had no idea what to make of it. Oddly, there was something not unlike what her desire had smelled like. I wish I knew her well enough to ascertain what the other notes were.

"I know. I don't know how I know, but I believe that. You do have a very calming… aura or something. I can't explain it. I feel safe in your presence, for sure."

It was the highest compliment I'd ever received.

"Why did you say especially in here?" Tallulah asked after a moment's silence. I suspected that the chatter was also one of her techniques to find a sense of calm, and while I wasn't naturally verbose, I could indulge for her sake.

"This is my domain. I patrol the in-between."

"Alone?"

"Not entirely. But mostly, yes."

"Wow. That sounds… You must be really good at your job."

"I am." It wasn't arrogance, it was honesty. I didn't always get it right, but that I could even stand to be in here for as long as I was… Well, that was its own kind of achievement.

For some reason, it was that which had Tallulah's scent sweetening. And then sweetening a little more. Rather than lying still and relaxed, she was suddenly squirming slightly in my hold, though she seemed to be trying to get closer rather than to get away.

I inhaled deeply, selfishly, wanting to commit Tallulah's scent to memory. I couldn't let myself believe that it meant anything beyond a desire for a physical release, but if Tallulah asked for it, I would give her as many of those as she desired.

"I guess there's no point trying to be discreet about it since my scent is probably giving it away," Tallulah said with an awkward laugh. "But don't feel like you have to do anything. I can just ignore it. Or you can take me back if it's bothering you—"

"It's not bothering me," I interrupted, appalled that she would even consider that. "Did you want to… explore again?"

I wanted to get under that pretty purple dress more than I'd ever wanted anything in my life, but I wanted Tallulah to set the pace.

"Is that something you'd like to do with me again? Explore?" she asked slowly. Cautiously, even.

I blinked at the question. Was that not obvious?

"More than anything."

Tallulah hummed. "Me too. I just don't want our exploring to affect you negatively, you know what I mean? I don't want to get in your way."

"In the way of what?" The question felt like a trap, but I couldn't quite figure out where the spring was. Did she want me to say out loud that no one wanted me? It was the truth, but I also had some pride. Then again, that didn't seem like the kind of request sweet Tallulah would make.

"You know. A relationship, or whatever."

"I've never had a relationship before. I don't foresee that changing," I told her honestly. As far as Shades went, I was no prize. "It wouldn't be compatible with my job, anyway."

There was a long pause and Tallulah's scent grew muddled again.

"Okay," she said eventually, speaking slowly as though she was choosing her words carefully. "But you want to explore with me."

"If that's something you want, I will be available to you for as long as you're willing."

Tallulah hummed before settling back against me, which had to be a positive, didn't it? She was relaxing. Relaxed was good.

I wished I felt relaxed, but there was a weight pressing on my shoulders that I couldn't quite shake.

"Alright," Tallulah said with renewed confidence. "We could be, like, friends with benefits, I guess?"

"Of course. This way you can build your confidence with me while you continue to get to know all the Shades that are undoubtedly throwing themselves in your path."

I, in no way, expected any kind of exclusivity from a woman who was being courted by all the finest Shades in the realm. I'd take what I could get of her presence for as long as I could get it. I wasn't even sure how the situation had arisen that she was remotely considering me to sate her curiosity.

I had to assume that it was only because she knew there was no risk of me expecting anything more, as I was so clearly beneath her notice. Maybe that was why, with me, she didn't experience those sudden panics.

In a way I hadn't expected, I was safe for her.

"Okay…" She hesitated for a moment before clearing her throat, a burst of sexual confidence seeming to bloom out of nowhere. It was incredible to witness. "I don't suppose there are any beds in the in-between?"

Shit.

I couldn't take her back to the barracks. We'd have to go down a long corridor past every other Guard member's door. It would be disastrous for Tallulah's reputation.

"Unfortunately not, though I can do my best to make you comfortable here?" I said, expending a little more energy to shroud us more tightly in shadows before lying back on the ground so Tallulah would be spared the cold surface. She startled before laughing lightly, adjusting her position so her legs straddled my hips, hands planted on my chest.

"I'm not crushing you?" she asked. I did my best not to take the question as a personal insult to my strength. I may not have all the features that other Shades had, but I was still more than capable of carrying her.

"Of course not."

She hummed, her fingertips confidently exploring my chest in a way I wasn't sure she would have done if there was light in here.

"And no one is going to see us here? Isn't it basically a highway?"

"I wouldn't have suggested it if I wasn't one-hundred-percent sure of my ability to keep you safe," I assured her. "I spend more time in the in-between than anyone else in the realm. No one knows it better than me."

This particular spot was mine in all but name. No one came here but me.

I'd never brought anyone else here either.

"Well, if we're definitely alone…" Tallulah leaned in, her lips tracing the edge of my jaw before moving up, leaving a trail of soft kisses up to the corner of my mouth. "I wonder if Shades kiss like humans kiss."

I held myself perfectly still as she moved over my mouth, her lips soft and plush compared to my thin, hard ones.

"Tallulah…" I murmured. "My teeth."

"I'll be careful," she whispered against me, sucking my lower lip lightly into her mouth before biting down gently with blunt, harmless teeth. I bucked up against her, my hands gripping her hips the only thing preventing her from being thrown off.

"Give me your tongue," Tallulah demanded in a seductive rasp. I did as she ordered—I'd do anything she ordered—my shadows spiking eagerly, as her tongue stroked against mine. It was the most erotic experience I'd ever had.

In my bliss, I didn't notice as Tallulah's hands moved up the sides of my face, sliding into my hair. No. It was only when her thumbs brushed the stumps where my horns had failed to grow that I realized what was going on.

We froze at the same time, breaking apart. Tallulah's eyes grew wide in the darkness as she slowly moved her hands back down to rest on my shoulders.

"Sorry," Tallulah said awkwardly. She must have assumed that there was nothing beneath my hair in the way that human heads were entirely smooth.

"Don't worry about it," I mumbled, distracting her by kneading at the tight muscles in her back with my thumb knuckles.

"Oh, that feels so nice," she moaned, arching her back at my touch. "You're so good at that."

I tugged her dress up a little with each movement until my claws were catching on the delicate fabric of the panties stretched tight across her exquisite ass.

I'd wanted to distract her from the disaster that was my horns, to get her back to enjoying each other, and it appeared to be working.

But there was no pretending anymore. Tallulah knew exactly how broken I was.