CHAPTER 9

Micah

It took me twice as long to walk to my apartment because of the tears blurring my eyes and the chaos in my head resulting from that sucker punch to the gut at Bash's place. When he appeared in the doorway behind her (Ainsworth? Ainlee? Whatever, who the fuck cares…), I couldn't see beyond the blinding pain and rage that had hit me upside the head when I heard her say she was his girlfriend.

Seriously, how the fuck did he go all those months telling me that he wasn't after anything serious and was unattached when he had a goddamn girlfriend back here waiting for him?

Oh sweet Mary, Joseph, and the shit-spitting camel…I'm a cheater. He made me a cheater.

That thought hadn't even processed to me until I was walking home dissecting the last thirty minutes of my pathetic life, but now it was glaring bright red in front of me. Bash had been with Ainsley when we hooked up…and he hadn't said a damn word!

Granted, he was so smashed that he had forgotten half of the night, including our little tryst, so clearly his better judgment had taken a long hike that day, but still!

What really killed me the most was the knowledge that Bash hadn't trusted me with the truth, and if that was the case, then maybe I didn't mean as much to him as he did to me? Sure, he's always called me his best friend and we'd definitely been weirdly attached to each other for years, but…that didn't necessarily mean that my friendship meant the same to him as his did to me.

Wasn't that what this whole situation was proving right now? That Bash might be my soulmate, but I sure as hell wasn't his?

Wow…well, this is just becoming a fucking banner year for you, huh Russo?

The tears flowed a little harder upon that realization as I finally made it to my apartment building and rode the elevator to my floor, thankful that my new roommate wasn't slated to make an appearance for a few weeks. As much as I wanted to close my eyes and pretend this whole clusterfuck had never happened, I couldn't shake the thoughts and visions of them being together…them meeting, flirting for the first time, Bash asking her out, their first time sleeping together, how Bash had probably thought he was falling in love with her, how she got to claim him as hers…all of it played like a highlight reel from Hell in my brain. I contemplated how desperate I'd have to be to give myself a lobotomy to rid myself of the images, but there was one image that popped up brighter than the rest: Bash's broken, devastated face in the hallway when he was begging me to give him a chance.

God, that was an entirely unwelcome, distressing experience to know I was the cause of Bash's pain, but I couldn't fix it for him. As much as I loved him and wanted to comfort him in that instant, tell him that I forgave him and everything would be alright, I couldn't allow it. Bash's betrayal, no matter his reasoning, had cut me so deep that it would take a while for me to be stable enough for him to start working on making it right between us.

Could I have told him that I just needed time and I wasn't walking away from him forever? Yes. Yes I could.

But I didn't. Hopefully, he would know that there was practically nothing in this world that could make me want to give him up because it was just a fact. Even if I had to endure unimaginable pain seeing him with someone else, I couldn't live with myself if I didn't have Bash there to be my rock, my safe place, the other half of me. I would suffer all nine circles of Hell to keep him in my life and smile at the Devil while doing it.

So I had to be content with the reality that it would take Bash and I some time before we were on solid footing again, but we would find our way back to each other one way or another. I don't think either of us could live in a world where there wasn't a "Micah and Bash".

Emotionally drained and unable to dwell on things further, I climbed onto my couch in my new apartment, and fell into a troubled sleep.

*****

A booming sound had me jerking awake in a panic and falling off the side of the couch. I was so disoriented from the lack of sleep and my rude awakening that it took me several moments before I recognized the sound as loud knocking on my front door. Even if I had followed through on my ill-advised plan for a knitting needle lobotomy last night, I still would have known without a doubt who was at my door right now. My intuition was proven right when I heard Bash's voice calling out from the other side.

"MM?" Knock, knock, knock. "M, please open the door! Just give me two minutes, that's all I need!" Knock, knock, knock, knock.

The urge to run to the door and throw myself in his arms just so he could make this shitty feeling go away nearly consumed me, but by some act of Zeus I forced myself to stay on the floor in front of my couch across the room from where he was knocking.

"M?...M, I'm begging you, please open the door," Bash pleaded softly, the dejection plain in his voice.

Ugh…I'm such a fucking pushover for this lying, sucky, amazing asshole.

With an exasperated sigh, I crawled to my feet and walked over to unlock the door, leaving the latch chain in place so he couldn't push his way in. He could say what he wanted to say through the two inch crack in the door.

When I opened it, Bash's eyes lit up with hope and gratitude, but his face quickly fell when he noticed the chain and the fact that I wasn't welcoming him inside.

"What do you want, Bash? I told you yesterday that I wasn't ready for you to explain yourself," I told him gently, but with a tone that brooked no argument.

A light glaze of tears covered his eyes, making the color a vibrant lily pad green that made my heart clench in my chest and nearly made me forget every ounce of my anger toward him. Stupid, sexy bastard.

"M, I am truly fucking sorry for lying to you! I never meant to hurt you like this, and I know you said you didn't want to talk to me, but I couldn't let you think for one second that you aren't important to me. You mean fucking everything to me, M, and I cannot lose you over this. I fucking can't!" Bash's words got progressively shakier as the tears he was holding back started to drench his words.

The words made my stomach clinch tight, but it was his fractured voice that ripped a hole straight through me. Even in my anger, he was still my whole heart and hearing him in pain was one of the worst things to bear.

"Bash…" I started quietly, but Bash cut me off. "God, what I'd give to hear you call me BB again, just once…" he whispered.

Oh, my fucking heart…

I swallowed achingly past the giant lump lodged in my throat, and tried again. "Bash…BB…you have to understand where I'm coming from. You lied to me for almost eight months about a massive piece of your life. This wasn't a random quickie at a frat party that you neglected to mention, this was your girlfriend. A serious, monogamous relationship that you repeatedly told me you didn't have. Why hide it? What is that supposed to be telling me?" I asked him, my voice laced with all the misery I felt.

Bash's tears finally fell, and he made no move to clear them away, letting the proof of his regret wash down his face. "M, you will never understand how much I hate myself for hurting you or losing your trust in me for this. It was so impossibly stupid for me to lie about it because I made it a bigger deal than it should have been. I don't know why, but I always felt scared to tell you about Ainsley anytime we saw each other, and I didn't want to have that conversation unless it was face to face. I swear to God I wanted to tell you before you moved here, but it just got buried under everything else and that alone should show you it doesn't mean half of what you think it does to me!"

Fuck, there was a lot to unpack in that statement. Why did he make it a big deal when it supposedly wasn't? What would make him scared to tell me about her? What else was going on with him that it "got buried" to the point where he forgot to tell me? And does he mean Ainsley doesn't mean that much to him? And if that's the case, then why the fuck is he with her and hiding it from me?

Ugh, this is fucking exhausting and I am in desperate need of caffeinated reinforcements to have this conversation.

I let all the air whoosh out of my lungs in one fell swoop, and closed the door in his face, only to unlatch it right after and swing it back open for him.

"You, uh…you want some coffee or something?" I muttered to him, not quite able to meet his gaze. I could feel, more than see, the relief crash down on Bash as his shoulders slumped back down, no longer held up tight by his anxiety and distress. He didn't say a word, simply nodded and followed me inside.

I hadn't unpacked anything in the kitchen yesterday after my parents left, but all my coffee supplies were in a single box next to the fridge, so it took me less than ten minutes to unload it and have my Keurig set up and ready.

I grabbed two mugs from the box, and once I had both cups filled to the brim with the sweet, lifesaving nectar, I passed one to Bash and sat down on the opposite side of the island, a move he definitely noticed as intentional if the tightness in his eyes and the flash of pain there were anything to go by.

"So you say that you intended to tell me about her, but then why were you so afraid? I mean, I don"t get why you'd be scared to tell me anything, Bash, it doesn't make any sense to me," I asked him.

Bash tensed and kept his eyes on the liquid in his mug like it held the key to getting out of this conversation with me. Nice try, bestie, but no dice.

"I guess…I was worried that once I told you about her, it would change everything between us. It's been me and you for so long, I was scared that you'd pull away from me or somehow think I wouldn't have time for you because I was dating Ainsley," Bash murmured, something hidden in his voice that I couldn't quite put my finger on.

"Bash, what…that doesn't…when have I ever given you the impression that I would ever pull away from you? Have I not proven that you're my ride or die more fucking times than I can count? You've been my number one and only best friend since I was fucking thirteen years old. It doesn't stand to reason that I would pull away just because you decided to date someone," I said incredulously. "It was also bound to happen eventually," I added reluctantly.

Bash nodded along, but kept his eyes averted as he spoke. "I know that, MM. I know it in my head, but my heart was telling me that the minute I told you about her, I'd lose you. You have no idea how much I cannot bear to lose you for any reason, M. I'd completely lose my way in life if I didn't have you by my side."

"I can understand that…I'd be terrified to lose you too, and I know what it's like to have your heart play tricks on you, the cunning bastard," I said half jokingly. After all, my heart continued to tell me that Bash could one day fall for me too, even though my head knew that it was a mathematical impossibility.

Bash's lips kicked up in a small smirk that had my heart doing somersaults in my chest. Sweet Jesus alive, why does it feel so good to make him smile?

I continued on. "I just need you to tell me one more thing," I stated, and Bash looked at me with apprehension drawn across his features.

"What?..."

I steeled myself to ask the question I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer to, but in for a penny, in for a pound I guess. "Is it serious with Ainsley? Is it going anywhere?"

Bash's face drained slightly of color before he responded with, "Why does that matter?"

"It matters to me. Just tell me."

Bash took an inordinately long time to answer me, and with each passing second, I felt pieces of my soul break off and crumble at my feet.

"My father had a hand in bringing us together," he said slowly, his words heavy between us, "so yes, it's serious."

Just like that the pieces of the puzzle snapped together in my head, startling me with the magnitude of what he was implying. Ainsley was intended for him. His father had introduced them with the hopes that she'd become the future Mrs. Bastian Dupont because that's exactly the kind of manipulative shit his father always did. That meant that Bash was tethered to Ainsley in ways that couldn't be undone. I wanted to ask him if he actually fell for her, if he wanted to be with her regardless of his father's expectations for the two of them.

However, that answer had the power to decimate what remained of my heart, so instead of asking him that, I nodded and gulped down the rest of my coffee.

I set the mug down on the table, and glanced back up at Bash.

"Okay. Thank you for telling me and being honest."

Bash's face was a mixture of relief and sadness as he sagged on the bar stool, and ran his hands through the short, tousled waves on top of his head. As always, my eyes latched onto the movement that made his biceps bulge subtly, and my dick perked up in my pants.

Okay look, traitor, we are not happy with him right now! Down, boy!

I turned around to rinse out my coffee cup and discreetly adjust myself to keep my surprise erection hidden from view. When I faced Bash again, he was watching me with a penetrating gaze that had me feeling hot under the collar and damn near squirming from the intensity.

For minutes, neither of us said anything. We simply sat in the tense silence and stared at each other, a whole conversation playing out between us without any words being uttered.

I'm so sorry I hurt you.

You know it'll be difficult to trust you again.

I'll do anything I can to make it up to you.

I don't want to lose you.

I love you.

Okay, the last one only came from me, but the sentiment still held true even after all the shit of the last twenty-four hours. That was just the effect Bash had on me, through the good and ugly times, no matter what hell we faced together, I would never stop loving him. As much as the thought churned my gut, I knew I needed to move on and find someone who could love me in return, but a piece of me would forever belong to Bash. He was the one my heart recognized as its other half. It didn't matter if he didn't feel the same–my heart would always be reaching out to his.

"MM…are we okay?" Bash hesitantly asked me after several minutes of our silent exchange.

I thought back to the decision I had come to in the middle of the night while I was being tormented with the events of the day and unable to sleep. I just didn't know how Bash would respond to it.

"Yeah, BB…we're okay. I promise," I reassured him, but as a heartened smile spread across his face, I decided to press on and tell him my plan. "But I need to tell you something too."

Bash's smile faltered and his eyebrows pinched together. "What is it, M?"

"I've decided to go spend the summer with my parents back home. I know that it'll be harder to see them once school starts and I also think I need it…I think we need it." I shared with him, unable to meet his eyes as I said it. I could sense the nervous energy emanating off of him.

"Wait…M, is this because of me? I thought you were spending the summer here with me. I mean, you just got here…" Bash's face was streaked with despondency and confusion, and I felt like shit for putting him through the emotional wringer this morning. I was angry with him, but I never wanted to be the cause of his pain or unease.

"I know we had talked about our summer months ago, but…I really think this is what I need right now."

"M…come on, please don't go. How are we supposed to fix things and get better if you're three hours away in another city?" Bash's anguish was palpable, and it confused me as to why he seemed to be taking my departure so hard.

He has Ainsley…why does he care what I do?

Wow! Want some pepper to go with that saltiness you got there, Russo?

"BB, we can still work on fixing things while I'm gone. It'll be just like when I was living there before. There's really no difference," I comforted him, though as I said it, I knew that it was different.

It shouldn't have been, but it was.

I had a feeling that everything was different now.

*****

It felt like the summer flew by, and I cycled between being happy that I was with my family and depressed that I wasn't with Bash. The first week after I left for Dallas, Bash had texted me non-stop like a stage five clinger about everything and nothing at all.

You wouldn't hear any complaints from me because the tiny, sadistic part of me was satisfied that he seemed to be suffering without me. Well, suffering might be a tad dramatic, but he wasn't having an easy time with our separation.

My biggest hope in leaving Austin for the summer was to get some perspective on my relationship with Bash. I needed to figure out how to hit the reset button, so that I could continue being best friends with him while no longer allowing my feelings for him to cloud everything else.

If the last month or two taught me anything, it was that I had somewhere along the way forgotten how to be friends with Bash without letting my love for him permeate and compromise that bond. I couldn't let that happen. I wouldn't be able to survive if I had to live without Bastian Dupont. Before he came along, I was living a pale imitation of life. With him, everything was Technicolor bleeding into the gray.

While Bash had gone a little overboard with texting me the first few weeks, I had to restrain myself from responding to him each time. I limited our interactions as much as I could, so I could take a beat and figure things out. It was fucking hard though because it was nothing like our relationship was before that stupid night where I let us get derailed. It was the quake that started the crack that ran through our foundation, and we hadn't crumbled yet, but we were on damn shaky ground.

In the blink of an eye, it was late July and I was slated to return home the first week of August before classes started back the week after. Bash and I had progressed to Facetiming one another late June and had committed to a weekly Facetime chat to get back to how we used to be.

It was borderline agonizing to see him through that tiny screen, wishing more than anything that he was next to me in bed, talking and laughing with me as we used to. Those Facetime dates were closest to the way we used to be together before all this shit happened. It hurt, but it also gave me hope that we could find our way back there…back to each other.

During our talks we avoided the subject of Ainsley and for that, I was grateful. I hadn't gotten any closer to accepting that Bash had a serious girlfriend because I hadn't had to cope with that before.

Wait, record scratch! Come to think of it, Bash has never had a serious girlfriend since I met him. What the shiz is that about?

I rolled the epiphany through my head, trying to pick it apart and decipher what it meant. The only thing I could come up with is that he had never met anyone he felt was worth his time and love…until Ainsley.

If he had been dating her for this long, even though his dad had a hand in it, then she must be the first person he's ever felt something deeper for. I knew Bash, he wouldn't let his dad pick his girlfriend for him because Bash despises his father's fucked up, vindictive games, so if Ainsley was still around, then that could only mean one thing.

He loves her. He wants to be with her.

Fuck me running…it all makes so much sense now. Cool. Okay. Well…that sucks dick, and not in the fun way.

That must have been the reason Bash was so scared to tell me about her. He thought that if I learned about her and discovered how much she meant to him, I would feel like I was being replaced. He probably figured that I wouldn't be as tolerant of their relationship if she was a long-term deal because it would mean that I would eventually lose him to her, and he worried I would have cut and run first.

With that final piece of the puzzle falling into place, a certain sense of calm washed over me. It wasn't a peaceful, wholesome calm that came from embracing what was and being happy with it. It was more of a calm where the anger, confusion, and heartbreak were locked away in a box and you were able to move on without it suffocating you.

Now that I understood the situation fully, it provided the perspective on Bash's feelings and where his heart really belonged, or rather whom it belonged to.

That knowledge gave me the strength to accept what I was returning home to in Austin, and I believed it was exactly what I needed to help me face what came next: finally reclaiming my heart from Bastian Dupont.