CHAPTER 15

Bastian

The month of October slowed to a crawl as I wrestled with the turmoil that had infiltrated my brain since the night of Micah"s second confession. Even though I had heard him back in May when he told me about his feelings, I was so unprepared to hear the words again that they burrowed into my heart like splinters. Micah"s outburst wasn"t that unexpected after the venom Ainsley spewed, but I certainly hadn"t expected him to unleash like that in a torrent of heart-wrenching emotion.

Seeing Micah break down like that had broken something inside me in turn, and it took all the strength in my body to force myself to lie to him, to tell him that I didn"t feel the same. Fuck, I had never despised myself more than in that moment when I looked him in the eye and told him I wasn"t in love with him. If I had torn my heart from my body, it would have hurt less.

I was still grappling with the decision to lie to him to keep myself safe from Dad"s and Ainsley"s manipulations. The second the words slipped out, it was as if I had tainted my own blood. A few weeks had gone by and it felt like I was slowly dying inside, the poison of my cruel words leeching into my organs and taking them down one by one, day by agonizing day.

Micah hadn"t texted me the next day…or the day after that. It took almost three whole days before I heard from him, but all he had told me was that he was doing okay and that he needed a little time to himself. The message destroyed me and I very nearly caved and ran to see him, fully prepared to throw myself at his feet and release every word of love that I had in my soul for him.

In the last couple of weeks, I had seen him a grand total of three times. One time I ran into him between classes and semi-coerced him into getting coffee with me for ten minutes. The other two times he had agreed to have lunch on campus, and that didn"t go badly, but I could tell there was still a lot of friction and Micah seemed…off. He was almost lifeless and shut down, and it freaked me out.

At the three week mark, I thought I would lose my damn mind if I didn"t see Micah and spend some actual, legitimate time with him so we could work this out. He had told me himself that he still needed me, and he promised me that we were okay. Obviously, that was a load of shit and he wasn"t as okay with my knowing his feelings as he had said. Fuck, I needed my Person back. If I could have him no other way, I had to keep him as my best friend or nothing else in my world made sense.

On Friday the week before Halloween, I was sitting out on the South Mall, the long stretch of grass to the south of the UT Tower, working on some coding for my mobile app. Once again, emotional damage seemed to be the key to unlocking my inner workaholic. If my heart keeps getting used as a fucking punching bag, I might just finish this app before the year is up. Silver lining and all that shit.

I was so honed in on my work that I jumped an inch in the air when two guys suddenly plopped down next to me on the grass. "What have we got here, Nate? Does this dude look familiar to you?" Dawson drawled next to me, his eyes squinted like he was trying to figure out if he actually recognized me or not. I just stared at him deadpan.

"Eh, he kind of looks like Bash, but that shit"s impossible. Our buddy Bash has been incommunicado for a month, so I assume he"s dead. Maybe we should put in a missing persons report. Have we checked the city morgue lately?" our friend Nathaniel chimed in. The blue eyed, bedhead blond became my friend through Dawson our freshman year, and we had clicked almost as easily as Dawson and I had. Usually, I found his sarcastic, smart ass remarks funny, but I hadn"t found anything funny in weeks. Without Micah, I was a shell of the man everyone knew.

Micah was the air in my lungs, the blood in my veins, and without him nothing made sense. I was living nothing more than a half-life without him by my side. I wouldn"t feel right until we were right again.

"I don"t have time for this," I muttered petulantly, gathering up my stuff and climbing to my feet. A strong hand grabbed my arm before I could make a hasty retreat.

"Hey," Nate said roughly, "You don"t get to putter around like a damn zombie anymore and ignore your friends. I know something"s been going on with you lately, but it"s time to get it off your chest and let us help you because this shit? It ain"t healthy. Dawson and I have been worried about you, and we gave you space, but no more. Got it?"

My reflex was to get angry, indignant. I mean, how fucking dare they try to tell me what to do and say that I should spill my guts to them and get over everything that happened the last month? In the split second it took to process my anger, I quickly deflated when I recognized they were actually…right.

I couldn"t keep going like this. I was never going to be able to be with Micah like I wanted, Dad and Ainsley had seen to that, so I needed to start learning to live my life without him constantly by my side. Our relationship had been irrevocably altered with Micah"s declaration, but that didn"t mean our friendship needed to suffer. I needed to push Micah more to focus on building back our friendship because it was still as necessary to both of us as breathing.

I slowly nodded my head, and when he sensed I wasn"t going to bolt, Nate let go of my arm and crossed his over his chest. "So are you ready to talk about it and start to get over whatever shit"s got you all in your head?" Nate asked gently. So far, the only person I had come clean to about my feelings for Micah had been Dawson, and that wasn"t exactly by choice. Thank you very fucking much, Alcohol, you sly bastard.

However, my feelings, Micah"s confession, and all the unhinged shit with my Dad and Ainsley had been weighing on me for weeks. I felt stretched thin, weak in mind and body. Maybe talking about everything out loud and leaning on two of my closest friends would help more than I imagined.

"Yeah…I think that"s actually a good idea," I admitted. Dawson gave me a small smile, and Nate just nodded his head at me, pleased with my decision. His attention caught on something over my shoulder though and his gaze darkened dangerously.

I turned to see what had his mood souring so fast, and I caught sight of an insanely hot guy (I mean, objectively obviously…) who was making intense eye contact with Nate. His lip had quirked up in a cocky smile, showing off his straight teeth that looked brilliantly white against his smooth, brown skin. He ran his hand through his head of cropped black hair and his chiseled bicep flexed under his tight, red t-shirt that had "I"m not perfect, but I"m Colombian and that"s kind of the same thing" emblazoned on it. He then winked at Nate, and I heard my friend growl audibly behind me.

Well, shit…there"s definitely a story there.

"Who is that?" I asked, turning back to Nate who was still locked in a stare-down with the guy. When he didn"t appear to have heard me, Dawson knocked his shoulder and asked, "Hey, what"s wrong, man?" Nate blinked once, looking like a deer in headlights for a second before he shook his head and focused back on me.

"Nothing. Guy"s name is Mateo and we had an…unfortunate run-in with each other a couple weeks ago. He"s just an annoying little shit, that"s all," Nate grumbled, but I got the vibe there was way more to it than that. Although, I wasn"t exactly in the mood to press for details and I had my own shit going on, so I let it go. Nate started walking in the opposite direction of Mateo and the group of guys he was talking to.

"Come on, let"s go somewhere more private to talk and get away from the walking STI over there. Dude single-handedly keeps the student health center in business, I swear to God."

Oh yeah…way more to that fucking story than he"s letting on.

We decided to head over to Dawson"s dorm nearby, and for the next hour I unloaded about everything that had happened with Micah, starting with our hookup in May up until the night of the double-date when Micah had told me he loved me again. When I had told my friends that I had faked an alcohol-induced memory loss of the night of the party, I could practically smell their judgment in the air, sharp and bitter. They had given me a lot of shit for that decision, but their exasperation with me reached new levels once I told them how I lied to Micah again about my feelings.

"Dude…I"d point out you"re beyond fucked, but I"m pretty sure that"d just be cruel at this point…" Nate uttered in befuddlement.

"Bro, you just said it anyway! Where the fuck is your tact?" Dawson rolled his eyes at him, smacking him on the shoulder hard.

Nate rubbed the spot and scowled at him before turning apologetic eyes toward me. "I"m sorry, I didn"t mean to make you feel worse…it"s just this is a real shitshow you"ve got going on and…I don"t even know what to say that would help, you know?"

I rubbed the back of my neck, unsure of what to say myself. "Don"t worry about it, man. It"s just something I"ve gotta get through by myself. The hardest fucking part is not being able to make it right with Micah. I used to think nothing would ever fuck up our friendship—we were rock solid. Yet all it took was one kiss, one fucked up…fucking incredible night to kick start all of this…shit. I mean, where do we go from here? He says he"s trying to move on from me and he"s dating Kit now, and I"m shackled to that greedy bitch with no way to tell Micah how I actually feel. How do we stay best friends with all this baggage weighing us down?" I asked despondently. They both just looked at me, the pity loud and clear in their gazes.

"I wish I knew what to say, man, I really do…" Dawson started, "but I think you might just have to take it day by day until it becomes more bearable. Eventually, you and Micah will figure out a new way of being best friends. It"ll be different, but at least you"ll have each other."

I knew he was right, but I didn"t know where to start with all of it. My phone started buzzing in my pocket and I pulled it out, answering it without looking at the caller ID. That was my first mistake.

"Hey babe, I need you to take me to the Delta Tau Halloween party next Friday. Apparently they"re going all out and almost everyone is going to be there! The party starts at 8pm, so I figure we should get there around nine! Nothing good happens in the first hour of a party," Ainsley rambled on in one, long breath. If this is the shit that I have to put up with for the rest of my life, Dad won"t need to threaten my mom anymore. I"m going to need to be committed myself…

"Ains, I have absolutely no fucking desire to go to a Halloween frat party. Go without me," I growled at her, no longer playing nice unless it was an absolute necessity.

"Have it your way. Just expect a nice, long call from your Dad the next morning after I tell him what really occupied you that night. I think you can fill in the blanks from there, Bastian," she sneered, her threat implicit. What a colossal cuntpuddle…

"Fine," I snapped, "I"ll pick you up at ten til nine. Satisfied?"

"Immensely," she purred, her smug tone ringing through loud and clear.

I hung up the phone with so much force I was worried for a second that my thumb would go straight through the screen. I met the confused, concerned looks on Dawson and Nate"s faces.

"Y"all want to go to a Halloween party at the Delts" house next Friday night?"

*****

I should have known better than to trust Ainsley to be on time when I swung by her place to pick her up for the party, but I was naive. I ended up waiting for damn near forty minutes before she walked out and paraded suggestively in front of me in a short, black satin dress that showed more skin than it covered, and cat ears. I was almost positive she did it to try to get a reaction (or erection) out of me, but she was barking up the wrong tree. Even if I had been pumped full of Viagra and Ainsley herself gave me a lap dance, she"d never again provoke a reaction from my body that was anything but hostile. She wasn"t the one my body, or heart, wanted. I"d rather just chop the damn thing off than touch her again. Okay…maybe that"s a bridge too far, but celibate priest sounds pretty damn good if sex with Ainsley is the alternative.

After she accepted that her outfit and tricks weren"t getting her anywhere, we walked over to the Delt house that was a few streets down from her apartment. The Delts were known for throwing some of the best parties in West Campus where most of Greek life was situated. The party was in full swing, and laughter and music floated through the air down the street. It was the very last place on earth I wanted to be, mostly because of the parasite attached to my arm at that moment, but I"d suck it up and push through if it meant Ainsley would keep her damn mouth shut about Micah.

Once we got inside and meandered through to the kitchen, I figured the best way to make the night go by as painlessly as possible was to numb myself to it all. I filled a Solo cup with as much tequila as I could stand before detaching myself from Ainsley to go hunt down my friends. Thankfully, she had gotten distracted by a couple of girls and Dawson had already texted me a while ago saying he was there. It took me several minutes of bobbing and weaving through the packs of students to find him, but I felt like I could breathe a little easier with someone there I knew and trusted.

I used to be all about party life and would be completely at ease getting lost in the crowd, dancing and letting myself go. Every once in a while, I"d find a girl who had sparked my interest enough, and I"d take her either upstairs to an empty room or back to my place when I was in the mood to get laid. It was always a fun time, but it also felt empty. There was no one I entertained past one night, but I always made sure to be gentle about it, making my intentions clear from the start and treating the girl well.

The novelty wore off after a while, and then eventually came Ainsley. Once I was with her, I didn"t touch another girl. I may have fallen into that relationship against my will, but I didn"t want to be a cheater. The only exception to that rule had been Micah, but he was the exception to all my rules.

Fucking hell, I miss him so much…not having him in my life on a daily basis is driving me up a fucking wall and down the other side of it.

It wasn"t just Micah"s presence that I missed, but the talks we used to have, the effortless way of being together that I never came close to having with anyone else. He had a way of knowing what I was thinking even before I did sometimes, and when I struggled to explain myself, Micah always seemed to understand what was in my head and heart. He and I were connected on a level that had me believing soul mates were real. If soul mates existed, I knew down to my marrow that he was mine, and his absence was tearing at the fabric of who I was.

"So has this week been any easier for you?" Dawson asked. I just shook my head, not really having a good answer for him.

"Well, Se?or Tequila there will either make it a hell of a lot better, or make you wish for death. Here"s to your fifty-fifty chances on that!" Nate chimed in, raising his Solo cup at me and draining the remains of his drink.

"Always so fucking helpful, you ass," I grumbled, tossing back a mouthful of Patron. I actually hated tequila, but it got me loaded quicker than other things.

We passed the time talking to a couple of other guys, and it wasn"t all that terrible. I had downed the first cup of tequila and was nursing a second one, just over the line of tipsy, when Ainsley tracked me down again. She clung to me, pressing her chest up against my bicep and I rolled my eyes.

"Babyyy," she drunkenly slurred, "come dance with me!" She yanked on my arm and I stumbled along behind her, not wanting to argue. I was buzzed, but I had to toe the line and make sure I could keep tenuous control over myself. There is zero fucking way I will let Ainsley take advantage of my lack of control tonight…

We pushed through the dancing bodies, and Ainsley forced my hands to her hips as she swayed against me to the music. I was bored as fuck, and only wanted to go back and hang with my friends if I was being forced to be there, but Ainsley had a death grip on the back of my neck and shoulders. She turned in my arms to put her back to my front, grinding against me to the sensual music playing around us. I rolled my eyes at her even though she couldn"t see it, and kept my grip as loose as I was able to with her hands covering mine. I stayed fairly immobile and just closed my eyes, ignoring her gyrating body and allowing myself to get lost in the memories of dancing with Micah.

Like a wave breaking, the memories crashed into me of how it felt to hold his hips with my hands, have my arm slung around his waist, his chest pressed to mine…right there on that dance floor, I had forgotten Micah was my best friend and only felt…desire, hot and heavy in my blood. My body started moving with the music as the memories took hold and taunted me with everything I could no longer have.

I wondered if Micah ever thought about our night together at UNT, if he ever let himself remember how perfect it had felt being together. It was the most passionate, freeing night of my life, and I had been electrified with every brush of his skin against mine. That night stoked the flame that had always burned between us, hidden and neglected. I had been powerless against the wildfire that had raged through me, scorching the very foundation of who I was. I imagined what it would have been like to connect even further, to bury myself inside him completely until we were melded together, no longer separate beings, but united as one. The idea had blood rushing down to my cock, eager and willing to be deep inside Micah"s hot, tight hole.

Ainsley pressed back into my groin, feeling the beginning of my erection as thoughts of Micah swam through my brain. She must"ve thought the arousal was for her, so she pivoted, wrapping her arms around my neck and crushing her mouth to mine. I was so lost in my memories and tipsy from the booze that it took me half a minute before I was cognizant of who I was kissing just then.

When I had snapped back to reality, I pushed her away from me and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. "What the fuck, Ainsley?" I growled, grimacing at the taste of her on my lips. Her eyes lit up with fire, but I didn"t give her a chance to cause a scene. I shoved my way off the dance floor, attempting to make it to the stairs and escape to the second floor to have a few minutes alone.

Disgusted with what happened, I stomped up the stairs and whipped out my phone. I couldn"t get Micah out of my head, and the booze was tampering with my judgment. I know he asked for a little space, but I just wanted to talk to him. I wanted to see if he"d let me come by and spend time with him. We could fucking stare at each other for two hours for all I cared as long as I was with him. I needed his sass, his warmth, his laughter, and his calming presence to temper the storm in my mind.

I called him twice, but got no answer. Frustrated, I took the opportunity to use the bathroom while it was free, splashing cold water on my face afterwards to cool myself off and create the illusion of sobriety. I texted Micah asking if he was free right then, but it went unread. Fuck it, I"ll just head over there and see if he"ll let me in. He wouldn"t turn me away, right? He couldn"t be that sick of me…

I turned off the lights to the bathroom and headed for the stairs when the bedroom door to my right swung open, and a guy waltzed out while zipping up the front of his pants. At least someone"s having fun tonight.

The comment ran dryly through my head before it registered who I was looking at. Dark curls and intense blue eyes on a chiseled face greeted me, and I almost staggered back in shock. What the fuck was Kit doing here stumbling out of a frat house room looking like he just got some? Was he fucking cheating on Micah? If I found out he was stepping out on my best friend, I would rearrange his face so effectively, he"d need dental records to be identified. I may have despised him because he was dating my guy, but Micah didn"t deserve that shit one fucking bit.

"Kit? The fuck are you doing here?" I asked accusatorially, but Kit merely smirked at me and lazily did up his belt.

I took a menacing step toward him, ready and prepared to lay him out when a second man lurched out from the room behind him.

All the blood in my body drained away and the world tilted under my feet. I felt nothing but ice shoot up my spine and needles pricked at my extremities with an unpleasant awareness. Turbulence hit my brain and I was having trouble sucking in air, feeling like I was close to hyperventilating.

Micah looked at me with wide, guilt-ridden eyes and his mouth hanging open as if he were trying to form words that were nowhere to be found.

I said nothing. I just spun on my heel and bounded down the stairs, scarcely hearing the pleas of my best friend that followed me down. I couldn"t listen. There was a singular thought stabbing at my brain like an icepick, relentless and aggressive.

Micah had told me he was a virgin…he was a virgin when we were together…I guess that changed tonight.

I barely made it two steps down the front stoop before I emptied my stomach violently onto the grass.