CHAPTER 14

Micah

The next day, my insides were a tangle of anxiety and queasiness as I did my best to mentally prepare myself for the dreaded double-date that was happening that evening. When Bash had suggested that all four of us go out together, it felt like I had been in a head-on collision that came out of nowhere and ejected me from the vehicle.

It also wasn"t the first surprise to smack me upside the head last night either. When Kit had shown up out of the blue, I had been beyond nervous to have to introduce him to Bash, but I knew there was no getting out of it. Kit had been smiling and leaning against the wall when I opened the door, and he asked if I was free right then to maybe come out with him.

I had stumbled over my words, trying to explain that I had plans for a night in with a friend and we had been putting it off. His features had darkened slightly in annoyance upon hearing that, and he had inquired about which friend it was and if he knew of them. I knew lying about who it was would backfire on me in 2.5 seconds, so I told him the truth. His nostrils had done that flaring thing when he heard Bash"s name, and he seemed irritated that he was there at my apartment so late.

I had started picking up on Kit"s jealousy over Bash by our second date since I had made the mistake of mentioning him once or twice…or five times. Kit hadn"t been entirely wrong when he told Bash we had a great time on our date, but that wasn"t knowledge that I wanted shared with him like that. Bash appeared uncomfortable with the conversation, but that was arguably because he wasn"t used to hearing any details about my love life before then.

I should have been more shocked when Kit draped his arm around me in a macho "he"s mine" kind of way, but I didn"t have the heart to remove it. I may not have been wanting to flaunt our relationship in front of Bash, but I also didn"t want to offend Kit or give him any reason to think that Bash was a threat to him by slipping out from under his arm.

It had been more difficult than I thought to convince him that I couldn"t exactly ditch Bash and go out on a whim, and I was worried that the situation was ratcheting up his temper with every excuse I put forth. Then Bash threw out his insane idea, and I had instantly felt overwhelmed with anxiety and bewilderment at the turn the whole evening had taken. That feeling grew tenfold when Kit had kissed me on the lips right in front of Bash.

Alright, so we had kissed at the end of our second date, but I wasn"t quite so ready to repeat the gesture. Kissing Kit had been nice and he wasn"t bad at it, but my mind wouldn"t stop throwing out comparisons between his kiss and Bash"s. All I could hear whirring through my head was that his lips weren"t as soft as Bash"s, that he didn"t use the same pressure, that he didn"t hold my face to his like Bash had, and that I didn"t have the compulsion to attack his mouth as I had wanted to with my best friend that night back in May. I had to find a way to tamp down the plaguing thoughts of Bash before I tried to kiss Kit again, but he had taken the choice out of my hands.

That small, flickering hope in me that Bash might"ve been jealous seeing the kiss was snuffed out quick though when I reminded myself that he had offered to bring his girlfriend on a double-date to spend a dinner across from us in all our couple-y glory. There was no realm in which Bash could be jealous over me.

After I had shown Kit out, the emotional drain of the evening slammed into me like a Mack truck and I no longer had the energy for movie night. I had fully intended to crawl into bed alone, but the need to have Bash close to me robbed me of breath and sanity, and I had asked for him to cuddle with me before it even registered what I was saying. When he agreed to it wholeheartedly, it made my foolish heart skip a beat and I was comforted with the knowledge that he"d be by my side through the night.

Nothing in the known universe had ever felt as reassuring, safe, and perfect as Bash"s arms felt around me. I wanted to bury myself in his chest and never come up for air. I wanted that forever.

I wanted him forever.

Unfortunately, when I woke up the following morning to a cold bed and a note from Bash saying he had to run and would text me later about the date, I had to have a come-to-Jesus about keeping myself from reading into Bash"s actions too much. I needed to stop looking for the romantic subtext to his every gesture, look, and touch and keep in mind that he was my taken, straight best friend who had willingly supported my relationship with Kit. He had proven that by proposing this crazy ass double date.

Even if this date turns out to be a total disaster, it too shall pass. It might pass like a fucking kidney stone, but it will pass.

Bash had texted me mid-afternoon with the details for the date, checking to see if I was okay with it.

BB: Kerbey Lane Cafe, 7pm. We"ll meet you there. That work ok?

ME: Yeah, that works. I"ll let Kit know.

BB: 3

Ugh, that stupid little heart emoji had me smiling reflexively and my heart giving a happy little "thump thump" in my chest cavity. Look here Heart, we do not get our hopes up about him! I repeat, do not get our hopes up! You hear me? Hopes need to stay low, way low, like down on the fucking ground and bolted to the floor kind of low. You feel me?

I texted Kit the time and where we"d be going, happy that Bash picked a casual, low key place for us to go since this date was going to be awkward and painful as fuck. No need to add a stuffy atmosphere and fancy clothes to the mix.

Kit told me he"d be at my place about ten "til seven and we"d walk over to the restaurant together. I didn"t complain because I sure as hell didn"t want to show up to the place alone, and see Bash and Ainsley all over each other. I was already on edge about what I might play witness to tonight that would finally push me over the Cliffs of Insanity, Princess Bride style.

Kit got to my apartment right when he"d said he would, and we made the short journey to Kerbey Lane. When we got there, I looked around and quickly found the unmistakable head of thick, blond hair and stunning green eyes that belonged to my favorite person on earth. Then in the next second, my eyes swung to the beautiful, but irritating creature sitting to his left in their booth. Ainsley arched her brow at seeing me and promptly slid her hand onto the back of Bash"s neck, running her fingers through the hair there. I swear, she has her entire life to be a bitch. Why not just take the day off for once? Mix it up a little?

I cleared my head of the petty comments racing through it, and steeled myself for the next two hours. Kit guided me to the booth with his hand on my lower back, and I couldn"t help noticing how different it felt from when Bash did it. It almost felt wrong and foreign to have his hand in that place when my body distinctly recalled every minute detail of a very different hand there.

I saw Bash"s gaze dart down to where Kit had his palm on me, and there was the briefest flicker of…something on his face, but it was gone before I could decipher what it meant. He stood up as we reached the table, shook hands with Kit, and then pulled me into a brief hug. For those two seconds that Bash had me in his arms, everything else ceased to exist around us.

The background noise dulled to a faint buzz, the lights didn"t seem as bright, Ainsley and Kit could"ve been dry humping for all I knew and I never would have noticed because all my attention was whittled down to the man in my hold. My focus was so lasered in on him that I would have been oblivious to the world ending. All too quickly, he pulled away and sat back down next to his girlfriend. Jesus, I feel like I need a shot…or twelve.

Things got awkward real fast when Kit and I sat down, and we all took a few seconds looking at each other, everyone at a loss for what to say. This was going to go about as smoothly as a fucking root canal apparently. Finally, Bash spoke up.

"So Ainsley, you remember Micah and this is his…Kit," Bash said, clearly not sure what to call Kit since our relationship was still so new. Strangely enough, I felt a massive relief that he hadn"t called him my boyfriend, but I didn"t want to inspect that feeling too closely right that second.

Ainsley smiled at Kit and reached her dainty hand across the table for him to shake, and I found it eerie that Bash and I had ended up dating two people who actually kind of looked alike. They weren"t so similar that they looked like siblings or anything, but they both had high cheekbones, dark curly brown hair though Kit"s was of course much shorter, and almost the same shocking blue eyes that were bright and clear. Yep…weird.

However, they clearly didn"t think anything weird about it because they pleasantly shook hands and Kit told her it was a pleasure meeting her. The beginning of the date wasn"t too bad because we were all busy silently perusing the menu, and then giving our orders to the waitress who popped up a couple minutes later. When she left to put those in, Ainsley asked how Kit and I had met, and then he had asked the same of her about hers and Bash"s story. It was then I realized I didn"t actually know the story myself. I knew his dad had somewhat orchestrated it, but I didn"t know it had been such a blatant set-up. It still surprised me that Bash had continued to go along with it afterwards, but clearly he had liked Ainsley enough and developed feelings for her despite their unconventional introduction.

It took me a bit to become aware of it, but I soon realized that Kit and Ainsley were the only two really making conversation. I had been interjecting comments here and there as they talked, but Bash had largely remained mute. His eyes seemed troubled and tight, and I could almost feel the waves of unease coming off of him. It didn"t make much sense to me because he was the one to suggest this cockamamie plan in the first place. What did he expect?

Ainsley must"ve caught me with my attention on Bash because she subtly slipped her arm around his and leaned her head on his shoulder, only after pecking him on the cheek for an obnoxious amount of time. Okay, a three second kiss to the cheek isn"t that obnoxious, but come on…peck and move on, chick.

I fought against rolling my eyes. I then felt a warm arm slip around my shoulder, and I couldn"t figure out if Kit had done it to once again stake his claim, or he was genuinely being affectionate. I still didn"t know him well enough to understand all his motives and signals, but something told me that gesture was for Bash"s benefit. In a bizarre twist, Bash"s face appeared to redden and draw tight when his eyes caught the movement. Before I could give that development much thought, Kit announced he needed to use the restroom and would be right back, and Bash instantly relaxed once his arm was no longer around me.

Right after Kit was out of earshot, Ainsley looked at me with a suspicious smile on her face. It was obvious she didn"t like me, so I immediately was on guard as to why she was flashing that megawatt smile my way. "So Kit seems like a really great guy, Micah! I"m so happy that you"ve finally found someone! It was like the universe knew you needed someone to call your very own, right?" she asked with sugary sweet enthusiasm. Her words penetrated my brain like a 7-gauge needle and it was easy to read between the lines. She was saying that I needed someone to call my own because Bash was hers. I knew I had no right to be, but I became irrationally furious and jealous at the sentiment.

"Yeah, he"s really nice, but it"s still too early to know where it"ll go. I don"t want to plant any flags too soon, you know?" I replied, forcing a tight smile and ignoring Bash"s intent gaze on my face that I could feel hot on my skin like a heat lamp.

Ainsley tilted her head at me, the gesture reminding me of an owl and would have made me snort out a laugh if I wasn"t so on edge from her comments. "Right, but you also don"t want to let him get away. Take it from me, it"s so hard to find a truly decent guy out there in the dating world. I mean, I thank God every day that our parents introduced us! You were so lucky Kit just fell into your lap and happened to be so amazing! Hopefully, you two will end up where Bash and I are headed," she crooned, and her words tossed around in my brain like shrapnel.

"What do you mean by that?" I asked cautiously, icy fingers of dread snaking up my spine.

I could see from my periphery that Bash"s eyes had gone wide and he shifted around in his seat. "Uh, Ainsley…" he said warningly, but she kept going as if he hadn"t said a word.

"Well, Bash and I haven"t been dating that long, but it"ll be about a year come Christmas and our parents are dying for an engagement. I know my mom has been pestering me about it, and I"m pretty sure Bash has already had a talk with his dad about it…but I don"t think I was supposed to know about that part," she whispered the last part like it was some big secret that she had just spilled. "I mean, when you"ve found The One, you just know!" she finished and placed another kiss to Bash"s cheek, but I hardly saw it through the intense storm tearing through my head after her revelation. I couldn"t even bring myself to look Bash in the eyes, fearing I"d see the confirmation in them.

Marriage…Bash was going to marry Ainsley. I attempted to convince myself the last few months that Bash had to have been in love with Ainsley to stay with her as long as he had, but this was on an entirely different level that I had never allowed myself to process. The fact that she proudly proclaimed that she and Bash were as good as engaged had me feeling almost violently ill and so overheated that I was scared I"d pass out in my seat. I had to get out of there, or I would humiliate myself in front of the whole damn restaurant.

I shot out of my seat, scrambling for my phone. "Uh..I"m so sorry, I"m really not feeling too hot. I"m gonna head home. Would you let Kit know that I"ll text him later?" I rushed out the words and bolted from the restaurant, hearing Bash calling for me before I hit the door.

Once I shoved through the front doors, I took a huge gulp of air to quell the nausea threatening to swamp me and took off hurriedly down the street. I didn"t even know where I was headed, but I just needed to be anywhere but there.

I needed to put as much space as I possibly could between me, Bash and his future bride, but I had a feeling that I could put an entire continent between us and it still wouldn"t be far enough after that hell of a bombshell.

*****

I walked around and circled the entire campus before I made my way back to my apartment. My brain was in complete pandemonium and I needed the fresh air to help clear my head and calm my racing pulse. The nausea had abated a bit, but I was bouncing back and forth from being utterly devastated to intensely pissed off. The worst of it was that I didn"t think I had any right to feel any type of way about what I had just learned. It was Bash"s life and he deserved to find someone he loved enough to commit to for life. It wasn"t my place to be angry or upset about it.

I had known Bash since he was a kid. I knew every wish and desire he had for his future, including having a family of his own. I just hadn"t anticipated that day arriving much faster than I originally thought it would. If he was planning to propose by the end of the year, then would they get married right after graduation? Would they move in together soon? It made sense, and there was a tiny part of me that wondered why they weren"t living together already, but I had been so deliriously relieved that Bash still lived alone that I didn"t question it.

Why hadn"t he talked to me about it? After the whole fucking mess with Ainsley from before the summer, I thought Bash and I had moved on from holding back and keeping secrets. This was a major decision in his life, and I would have thought he"d want to confide in me about it. I"m sure he knew I didn"t like Ainsley, but still…my best friend should have told me he was thinking about getting engaged.

I had no idea how long I had been walking by the time I reached my apartment, but it was already dark and I didn"t have the mental capacity to look at my phone, worried that I had been inundated with messages from Bash, Kit or both. In the end, it didn"t really matter because there was someone waiting for me on the stoop leading into my building.

Bash had his head down and his elbows resting on his knees, one of them bouncing at warp speed. He was very clearly agitated, and I had a feeling Pandora"s Box was about to be opened. As I came closer, he heard my footsteps and his head shot up, pinning me with a stare that was molten lava. I could feel the anger pouring off of him, and I gulped nervously. Bash and I had only ever had one real fight in our years long friendship, but I didn"t think I had the emotional fortitude to prevent one tonight.

"Where the fuck have you been, M? Why didn"t you answer your damn phone?" Bash stood up and rounded on me, leaving only about five feet between us. I breathed in deep, steadying my nerves.

"I"m sorry…I just needed a little air and took a walk to feel better. I didn"t feel my phone vibrate," I mumbled, finding it hard to keep eye contact with him. He didn"t seem to like that and took a step closer to me.

"M, you fucking ran out before I could even explain. Then you took off by yourself late at night, and I don"t care if you stuck near campus, the city is still fucking dangerous! What were you thinking?" Bash"s eyebrows were furrowed deep over his eyes and his hands gripped his hips tight.

It might have been the emotional strain of the evening, but his anger lit a fuse in me and I knew I was one poorly chosen word away from completely losing my shit. "I"m a big boy, Bash. I think I can take a walk by myself and be just fine. See? I even made it back safe and sound. Should I take a bow or give a little "ta-da" for some extra flair?" I sassed him. I knew I was being ridiculous and bitchy, but I didn"t have the patience to care.

"What the hell has gotten into you? I know what Ainsley said upset you…"

"Is it true?" I cut him off, finally looking him in the eyes. Fuck, that was a mistake…

Bash"s breathtaking, jade green eyes pierced me down to my marrow, and my breath stuttered in my chest. I felt heat sweep across my body and it buzzed with awareness. It didn"t matter how many dates I went on or how many men I tried to move on with…Bash had me by the fucking heartstrings and there was no being rid of him.

He silently stared at me for a few minutes before I asked him again, slowly and carefully. "Is. It. True?"

"It"s not…entirely true," he said grimacing.

"What the fuck does that even mean, Bash? Is it goddamn true or not?" I snapped, the tentative hold on my patience slipping even more.

"It means that no, I"m not planning to propose anytime soon, but…yes, our parents have talked about it and are pressing the issue," he reluctantly shared, losing eye contact with me and tensing up his shoulders.

The nausea was back full force, and that well-known exhaustion hit me. I wasn"t strong enough to deal with all this.

"So it is true. You"re going to get engaged soon," I stated flatly.

"No, it"s not going to be soon," Bash started, but once again I chimed in.

"But it will still happen, Bash! That"s what you"re telling me. That no matter what, you and Ainsley are end game! That"s what this all fucking boils down to!" I shouted, unable to hold back anymore and completely at my wit"s end for the night.

"It"s not that simple, M!" Bash bit back, his voice raising along with mine.

"It doesn"t matter if it"s simple or not, it"s just a fact!"

"Why are you so fucking angry with me?"

"Because I fucking hate it!" I screamed, feeling manic energy coursing through my body.

Bash gaped at me like he was scared to breathe a word or even move, like I was a bomb ticking and about to detonate.

"Don"t you fucking get it, Bash? I hate her! I hate her so goddamn much and seeing you together makes me sick! It takes everything inside me not to puke my ever-loving guts out when I see you with her, and the idea that you"re going to marry her makes me want to crawl in a hole and never come out!" the words tumbled out of me with agony lacing every syllable. I didn"t think anything could"ve stopped the deluge of emotions rushing out of me at that moment.

"Why?…Why do you hate it so much, M?" Bash asked in a low rumble, still looking at me like I was two seconds away from attacking him in rage.

"Because I"m in love with you!" I don"t know what possessed me to tell him, but the words were out of my mouth before I could do anything to stop them. The tension between us amplified to stifling levels, and there was no turning back. I had to lay it all out on the line and let our house of cards fall.

"I am so fucking in love with you, Bash. I have been since we were kids," I cried, my eyes starting to leak tears like a broken sieve. "I swear to God, I tried not to be because I knew you wouldn"t feel the same, but I couldn"t help it. I fell so hard for you, and it"s been fucking torture trying to move on from you. The day I met Ainsley was one of the worst days of my life because it was cold, hard proof that I was living a fantasy imagining that there was a world where you could love me too." The first thought that emerged in my head was that the worst day of my life was undoubtedly when he woke up with no memory of us hooking up, but I at least had the presence of mind not to mention that.

I pressed on because the words just wouldn"t stop coming. "I know you don"t feel the same, Bash, and I am so sorry that I"ve complicated our friendship like this, but…" I paused, only then realizing that I had slowly approached him as I spoke and I was then inches away from him.

Bash was stock-still, frozen in place and still gaping at me with those captivating eyes. I couldn"t help it. My body moved of its own volition, and my lips slammed into his.

The memories of our last kiss flooded my nervous system and I whimpered involuntarily. His lips were even softer and warmer than I remembered, and dear God, it washed over me like a rush of warm water. Bash was stone under my touch for a second until he started responding to the kiss, pressing a little firmer against my mouth and his hand came up to cup my jaw. He then took control of the kiss and opened his mouth a bit, his tongue tentatively probing for mine.

Sweet Jesus, how much did I fucking miss his kiss? How did I ever think that I could purge him from my heart? From my very soul?

I moaned lightly and Bash opened his mouth more, his tongue more sure as his left hand came up to join his right on my face. The kiss was liquid fire, spreading through my veins like the most potent drug.

The tears kept spilling down my face, flavoring our kiss with its saltiness and Bash"s thumbs reached up to wipe them away. The gesture made my heart unfurl and open up to him more, begging him to take it as his own. I was consumed by his touch, his smell permeating every pore and seeping into the surface of my skin. God, please don"t let this stop…I can"t go without this again. This is everything I need and more.

As soon as I thought it, Bash yanked away from me, stumbling back a couple of paces and breathing hard. It took my brain a few seconds to recalibrate after our abrupt parting, and when I was finally able to focus, my heart started to bleed because I knew exactly what was coming.

"Micah, I"m…" Bash stammered, and the use of my first name mangled the bleeding organ in my chest and tears streamed down with no end in sight. "I"m so sorry. I got caught up in the moment…I shouldn"t have done that..."

Please…fuck, please stop talking…don"t say it…

"M, you are my very best friend in the world and are more important to me than anyone, and…"

I can"t do this…I want the earth to swallow me whole and make me disappear…please just let me disappear…

"I do love you, but…I don"t love you the same way you love me. I"m so sorry, but I don"t feel the same."

Why doesn"t he love me?…I just wanted him to want to be with me…to choose me…

I closed my eyes, no longer able to feel embarrassment or shame that he was seeing just how much his rejection had torn through me. There were several moments of silence where I just stood there quietly crying and Bash breathing, just allowing me to break in front of him.

Finally, I gathered myself enough to end this conversation so I could drag myself into my apartment and begin the arduous task of piecing my heart back together, bit by bit.

"It"s okay, Bash. I promise, it"s okay. I don"t blame you at all. You can"t help how you feel, and I know you love me as your best friend. That"s enough for me. I can do the work to move on from you eventually, but I could not live without you being my Person. I still need you more than anything, BB. I still need to love you in at least that way," I managed to say, surprising myself with how steady I sounded despite the sadness coloring my voice.

Bash had the ghost of tears on his face, showing that he had been just as affected by our daunting, charged conversation. He nodded and cleared his throat, appearing to have trouble talking now and I couldn"t blame him.

"M…you are my absolute favorite person. I couldn"t bear to not have you in my life. I"m so sorry if I hurt you, but I will always need you. Understand?" Bash forced out thickly through his own tears.

That was enough. It had to be enough. The last time I had told him I loved him, he didn"t hear it and I fought like hell to ignore my feelings and carry on like before. Maybe the key was to have all cards on the table to allow us to find a new normal. He knew I loved him now, and he had finally voiced the one thing that I had not been able to 100% accept in my heart. Bash isn"t in love with me, and he never will be.

Half of me was shattered and broken at the declaration, but strangely enough the other half of me was calm and receptive. It was the confirmation I had needed to hear, no matter how painful. Yes. It had to be enough.

"Thank you so much, Bash. Thank you for still loving me even after all this," I whispered, the faintest smile on my face to show him I meant it. Bash smiled at me, a couple of tears escaping down his cheeks and the sight made my heart throb painfully.

"Of course I do, M. I"ll never stop being here for you," he paused, taking a deep breath and breaking the intense eye contact of the last several minutes. "Do you want me to come up, maybe watch a movie? We never did finish The Aviator, you know?"

It hurt more than I thought it would, but I couldn"t be around him anymore tonight. I was too fragile, too sore, too wounded from all the discoveries the night had brought. His presence would pick at the wound that would never heal if I didn"t get distance from him.

"Um…that honestly sounds great, but…I think I need some time alone tonight. This evening"s been…heavy," I muttered to him, finding it once again hard to maintain eye contact.

Bash deflated and his face fell, but he nodded and gave me a small smile after. "No, I get it, M. Really. Will you please text or call me tomorrow?"

"Yeah, of course. We"re good, BB," I reassured him, and started for the door to my building, desperate to get inside and fall onto my bed so I could cry out all the emotions that had built up. Before the door closed behind me, I heard Bash call my name. I turned to face him.

"Promise me we"re okay…we have to be okay, MM," Bash called out to me, his face pleading with me to answer him with that promise.

"I promise. Love you, BB."

"Love you too, MM."

He headed for the street and I made the climb up to my unit, not wanting to wait for the elevator. Once inside the darkened apartment, I threw my keys down on the kitchen counter and covered my face with my hands. I startled when the kitchen light turned on.

"Micah? Hey, are you okay? I thought you were out on that double date tonight?" Rhys asked in quiet concern. The instant I connected with his gaze, my face crumpled and I fell to my knees, bawling.

Rhys raced over to me, dropping to my side and engulfing me in his arms. He didn"t ask any questions, didn"t offer any platitudes or words of comfort that wouldn"t help. He simply let me be, and held me as I cried until every tear had left my body and an icy numbness wrapped around my heart.

I didn"t feel anything, and after that night, I didn"t know if I ever wanted to again.