CHAPTER 16

Micah

Ithought I was a resilient person. I had braved being in love with an oblivious, straight guy for several years, and wrestled with being his best friend while harboring my secret feelings. I had pushed through the knowledge that he would fuck and be with other girls romantically while I held a torch for him, and I had forced myself to have the faintest hint of a love life that I didn"t want without him. I had endured the pain when he told me he had no recollection of our lustful night together, and I had survived the reveal of his hidden girlfriend. I had faith I would be able to live with the idea that Bash would eventually marry Ainsley, and I prayed I would have the strength to come out of all of that intact.

I was so goddamn, dreadfully wrong that I couldn"t imagine ever finding my way back to being right.

I had thought the worst part of mine and Bash"s ill-fated love story would have been when he expressed in the most simple of terms that he was not in love with me like I was with him. It shredded me, gutted my insides, and I spent the night crying on and off after Rhys helped me to bed. However, I thought I was more than strong enough to withstand the aftermath and continue on as friends. Turns out, that was horrifically wishful thinking.

I woke up the next morning with gritty, swollen eyes and a sore body, but other than that I felt absolutely nothing. No pain, no anguish, no happiness, no relief. There was no calm or turmoil. There was just…blankness, as if the faucet to my emotions was turned off and there wasn"t a single drop getting through.

I guess it qualified as shock. For so long, my mind and heart had been in overdrive, desperately trying to make sense of mine and Bash"s feelings and figure out how to keep it all in balance. Now, it had all come crashing down on me and in an act of self-preservation, my heart just ceased to work. It pumped blood through my body to keep me alive, but there was an impenetrable wall around it that kept anything from getting in or out. That"s how I would survive all of this: absolute and utter detachment.

It took a couple of days to acclimate to the weird, emotional paralysis that had settled over me before I could think about contacting Bash. It was completely foreign to not feel anything while pulling up his number, seeing his gray text bubbles pop up, or reading his response. His name on my phone used to have the uncanny ability to draw out a smile even on the shittiest days, but now it was met with cold emptiness.

Weeks went by and I had been able to be around Bash a few times, but I forced every single moment of the interaction so he wouldn"t become suspicious of my situational sociopathy. He wasn"t fooled entirely. He knew things were off between us, but he never pressed the issue and tried to pass the time with me pleasantly. Sweet Bash…he"s trying so hard to make things normal again, but there is no more normal for us.He should just accept it like I"m having to. Our friendship won"t ever look the same again because I ruined it. I ruin everything.

Over the next month, I sank further into the dark void left behind when our friendship imploded. It didn"t really qualify as depression to me because I assumed you"d have to feel something for it to count. I was still giving off "Pod Person" vibes well into October, and Rhys had become extremely worried. I didn"t know why. As far as I was concerned, this was the best case scenario because I wasn"t distraught and crying into a tub of ice cream over my hopeless future with Bash. Feeling nothing was better than feeling everything.

Rhys confronted me the day before Halloween about my "freaky ass behavior" and to be honest, I was more thrown by his uncharacteristic use of profanity than his guts to call me out. Rhys might have seemed sweet and nerdy, but he had a fire in him that came out when provoked. It was one of the things I appreciated most about him, but not that day.

He had charged into the living room where I was lounging on the couch watching some true crime documentary I was only half paying attention to.

"Okay, that"s it. I can"t take it anymore," Rhys said, irritated for the first time since I"d known him. "You have gone so far over the edge of pathetic that I can"t watch it anymore. I know Bash broke your heart. I am not saying that it doesn"t suck because it does. Massively. However, you cannot stop living your life and shutting down just because you can"t have the man you want. You still have him! Bash is still your best friend, and he even begged you to promise that this wouldn"t change you guys! Yet all you"ve done for almost a month is float around like a freaking ghost, and it"s not like you! This is not you, Micah!" he pleaded with me, his voice raising with each sentence he spat out at me.

All I could do was stare at him. I heard his words, I saw the worry and angst on his face, but it didn"t break through anything surface level. I knew what pre-void Micah would have said, so I put on the same act that I had for weeks.

I put on my best contrite face and tried to look genuinely upset. "I know…I"m really sorry I haven"t been myself lately. I just need time to get back to normal and figure things out, you know?"

Rhys heard what I was selling, but he didn"t buy my shit.

"Oh, don"t even give me that crap, Micah. I know you"re just saying what I want to hear. I need you to FEEL something! Anything! Get angry, throw a tantrum, bawl your eyes out, scream until your voice gives out, anything! Just…feel something and come back to the world again. You can"t keep living like this. Bash is still here, and so is Kit for that matter! You said he"s been asking you for another date for weeks, and you owe him for running out that night at the restaurant. You also told me that you would work on getting over Bash finally, so do it! Call Kit. Call him and start living your life again because this is just…sad," Rhys ranted at me until he said his peace, and then left me to stew with his demand.

For perhaps the first time since I had cried out the last of my tears over Bash, I felt a twinge of something. I couldn"t quite place the emotion, but it was there like a flicker of light far in the distance. I couldn"t have that. I figured that Rhys was at least right in the sense that I needed to do something that resembled actual living, if only to get him off my back. With that decided, I texted Kit.

ME: Hey, you free tomorrow night? It"s Halloween.

KIT: I heard about that once. Big holiday, right? What, you want to go trick or treating?

ME: How about we go out, dance and get smashed instead?

KIT: Hmm…intriguing. I know the perfect place. Pick you up tomorrow at 10:00pm?

ME:Deal.

If my feelings were starting to resurface, I wanted to drown them. I"d wash them away with whatever drink would saturate my brain enough to keep me in my blissful state of apathy. That was only the first part of the equation.

Drinking would only clear Bash and the torturous emotions out of my head, but it wouldn"t wipe them out of my heart. Kit would be the key to that next part.

*****

Turns out the "perfect place" that Kit had mentioned was a Halloween rager being thrown by Delta Tau Delta. On one of my visits to UT, Bash had taken me to a party at the Delt house, and I had to admit it was a blast. Of course, that thought had that minuscule flicker of emotion flaring a little brighter and I snuffed it out before it could grow any bigger. I didn"t want to think of Bash or any of our issues tonight. I wanted to get wasted and do whatever I could to get lost in Kit, even if he wasn"t my first choice.

We wandered around for a little bit with drinks in hand that Kit had grabbed for us. It occurred to me belatedly that Kit had graduated from UT a while ago, and was curious how he knew to bring me here. "How did you hear about this party in the first place? Do you still have friends on campus or something?" I asked him while we were out on the back patio, observing a tipsy game of beer pong.

"My cousin told me about it a few days ago, and when you mentioned wanting to go out, I thought this was the best option," he said almost dismissively, his eyes still riveted on the game. He draped one of his arms loosely over my shoulder. Whatever, I didn"t care so long as I got to drink and dance the night away.

Regret tried pushing at the edges of my mind, but I blocked it out. Deep down I knew I wasn"t this person, the one who tried to drown their troubles in alcohol and avoid facing their problems. I wondered what Bash would say to me if he saw what I was doing to myself, saw the downward spiral dragging me under. He"d be so disappointed in me, and I hated disappointing him. Nevertheless, the two Vodka Tonics I had tossed back soon after arriving had me struggling to care.

I tossed back the last contents of my third cup, just pushing past the tipsy line, and grabbed Kit"s hand. "Come dance with me," I purred to him, my words slurring ever so slightly. His eyebrow cocked up and his lips slinked into a smile. I pulled him to the very edge of the dance floor toward a darker corner of the room. I wanted it to feel like we were the only two here, to have my attention so riveted on him that the world around us fell away. I wanted it because the only person who had ever made me feel like that was…

NO! Stop fucking thinking about him, Micah! Focus on the tall drink of water in front of you. Concentrate!

I shoved the thoughts back into their deep, dark hole and swayed my hips sensually along with Kit"s. I had found out during our second date that he was a pretty solid dancer, and I was glad it didn"t appear to be a fluke. His hands wrapped around my hips possessively, his fingers digging in hard to the point I was almost concerned about bruises. I didn"t like it. When Bash had danced with me, he had held me so reverently and adoringly that I feared I would melt right into the floor from the heat he was generating. Kit held me like…a thing.

In all likelihood, it was the drinks that were making me feel sensitive and antsy, so I just closed my eyes and let the music pull me under. I was struck by a strange sensation out of nowhere that I recognized. It made my hair stand on end and the temperature of my body raise slightly, my pulse starting a slow climb. It was awareness…

Of him.

I spun in Kit"s arms, opened my eyes and almost instantaneously they were drawn to Bash. Oh shitty titties, why the fuck is he here?I"m supposed to be getting over him!

In a severely unfortunate turn of events, I saw Ainsley pawing at his forearm and rubbing her boobs all over him while he was chatting in a corner with some guys I didn"t recognize. The sight turned my stomach, especially since Bash didn"t seem troubled in the slightest by her affection.

Brightly and intensely, the little flicker of emotion that I tried so fucking hard to squash came roaring back to life, growing to unfathomable levels until I couldn"t take in a breath. I was stuck, unable to breathe, unable to move, unable to do anything but let the unbearable rage and pain burn me alive.

Kit squeezed my shoulders from behind and leaned in to my ear, whispering, "You okay? It feels like I lost you there for a second."

His words and hands on my body splintered the shock that had frozen me in place, and I gasped in a breath. I couldn"t handle the tide of emotions that were overwhelming my system after being numb for so long. I needed to channel it into something else. Something that would properly distract me.

I twisted in his grip and wove my hands into Kit"s hair before slowly covering his mouth in a deep kiss. This was only our third kiss, so he was slightly taken aback, but he quickly gave into it and took control. His hands once again ensnared my waist, crushing me to him and his tongue delved into my mouth. It felt almost wrong…as if his lips didn"t work with mine, like trying to force two puzzle pieces together that didn"t fit, but I kept going.

Images of me and Bash flashed in my mind in a dizzying kaleidoscope of memories. Flashbacks of everything we"d been through the last several months played like a movie that I couldn"t hit pause on. The kiss wasn"t enough to suppress it. I needed more.

I broke away from Kit"s aggressive assault, breath coming in fast pants as I brought myself up to his ear. "Let"s find somewhere more private," I whispered seductively. Kit didn"t hesitate, grabbing my hand and hauling me toward the stairs. A voice inside my head screamed that this was a mistake, that I would regret everything I was about to do, but I ignored it. Forced it away. I wasn"t going to stop this.

Kit tried the first door on the right, only to find it locked, but the one on the left creaked open. It was dark, but the blinds were up and the moon filtered in enough light to clearly see the room. Kit made a move to flip on the lights, but I stopped him with a hand on his wrist. He looked at me questioningly. "Leave them off…" I trailed off, using the grip on his wrist to pull him to the bed with me.

I had been with other guys before, but for some reason my body was resisting being with Kit like this. I could"ve blamed it on the alcohol, the emotional numbness, or even the fact that Kit and I hadn"t dated that long, but every one of those were bullshit excuses. I had drunken hookups before with guys I knew for ten minutes, so it couldn"t have been that. No, this was all because of Bash. Whether it was because he was right downstairs or burrowed into my heart, my body knew who it truly belonged to. Too bad you don"t get a say, you picky bitch. I"m controlling this ride.

I kissed Kit again, my hands sliding down from his shoulders until I reached the hem of his shirt. I yanked it up halfway before he finished the job and ripped it over his head. He quickly did the same to mine, but I felt nothing when we were skin to skin. No electricity or heat. Better kick this up a notch then…

My hand went down to palm his hard length through his jeans, and he groaned into my mouth. The sound made me flinch, but he must"ve registered it as an impatient move for more because he batted my hands away, undid his belt quickly, and lowered his zipper. Meanwhile, my cock lay limp behind my boxer briefs, barely twitching. When Kit went for my own belt, I stopped him again and slowly sank to my knees instead.

He just smirked sinfully at me, probably happy to be the one serviced tonight, and pulled his dick from his pants. The first sight of the engorged, glistening tip almost made my stomach rebel. What was it about this encounter that was so difficult to go through with?

Before I lost my nerve, I took the head into my mouth and sucked hard. Kit bucked his hips, forcing himself a little further down. Just as I had with every man before this, the only thing I could do was close my eyes and imagine Bash. To me, it was Bash"s hands gripping my hair in a vice. It was Bash"s hips pumping his length down my throat, causing me to gag and drool around the thick hardness.

The fantasy stopped there when I heard a groan that was distinctly not from Bash, and my eyes sprung open as my heart beat frantically in my chest at how wrong it all sounded. Two seconds later, Kit was unloading down my throat while I tried to breathe through my gag reflex and get it over with.

When he was done, he pulled out of my mouth, leaving me gasping for breath and incapable of looking anywhere but the floor in front of me. Why did I do that?…everything about that was wrong…fuck me, I feel sick…

"Jesus Micah, that was amazing…" Kit rumbled to me, catching his breath and tucking his drained cock back into his boxers. I still couldn"t look at him, and his comment had a wave of nausea rolling through me. He held out his hand to me, and I let him help me to my feet. He must"ve grabbed a few tissues from the side table because he handed them to me to wipe off my face.

"You okay?" he asked softly, tilting my head up to make eye contact. I noticed how his ocean blue eyes didn"t make my stomach flutter or my heart jump in my chest. They didn"t take my breath away or hold the power to pull me under.

Bash"s eyes might not have been the color of the ocean, but I"d happily drown in them every time.

That"s when I knew for certain there was no moving on with Kit because there was no moving on from Bash. Not right now, perhaps not ever.

"We should get out of here before someone catches us in here," Kit chuckled, oblivious to the inner turmoil ravaging my brain. He put his shirt back on and opened the door to the room, sauntering out while still doing up his zipper and belt.

As if the universe wanted to reinforce my monumental fuck up, I heard my most favorite voice in the entire world…and it was the very fucking last one I wanted to hear at that moment.

I hurried to throw my shirt on and rushed out of the room, stumbling to a halt when my eyes connected with intoxicating emeralds. All the breath left my body, and my gut churned turbulently with fear and regret.

I didn"t even have a chance to say his name before Bash dashed down the stairs and out the front door. When I made a move to follow him, Kit gripped my arm and pulled me back.

"Let him go. Trust me, he"ll get over it soon," Kit said, gesturing toward where Bash had just been. Anger rose up hot in my chest. Guess that"s the end of my emotionless void…

"I don"t give a shit if he"ll get over it or not. I need to talk to my best friend. Now let me go," I told Kit firmly, looking him dead-on.

Kit looked ticked off, but he released me begrudgingly and I took off after Bash, praying like hell that he"d give me the chance to talk to him. After weeks of avoiding it, the reality slammed into me that all I needed in that moment, all I ever needed, was Bash by my side.

*****

As I burst through the front door of the frat house, I frantically looked around for any sign of him. I caught a flash of the red shirt he was wearing moving just past the front lawn and onto the street, and I took off after him.

"BASH!" I yelled to be heard over the music and party noises permeating the air around us. Bash didn"t even break stride. He just kept walking like he hadn"t heard me. I raced down the steps and onto the street to catch up with him.

When I reached him and grabbed for his arm, he tugged it out of my grip. "Leave me alone, M. I"m not in the fucking mood," he said gruffly, his voice hoarse like he"d been screaming.

"BB, please talk to me! Don"t walk away!" I begged him, the alcohol polluting my system making me shameless for his attention now.

"Oh, you mean like you"ve been doing for weeks?" Bash whirled on me, his eyes blazing with anger and…are those tears? Oh fuck, this is all my fault…

"I…I…" I stammered, no longer able to formulate a response because he was right. I"d been running for weeks, avoiding him and all of our problems. I had no right to make him talk to me now. "Bash, please…"

"Please what, M? What do you have to say to me? I have heard the bare minimum from you for a month, basically enough to let me know you"re alive, and even when we saw each other, it was like you were somewhere else completely! You promised…you promised me that night that we were okay! That I wasn"t going to fucking lose my best friend! What happened to that?" Bash barked at me, anguish clear on his features. "Why did you push me away?"

My head was spinning and I was desperate to get a grip on the situation before it spun so far out of control there was no coming back from it. Tears cascaded down my face, the dam broken and bursting as every single feeling that I had been pushing down for weeks crashed into me full force.

"Bash…I"m so fucking sorry!" I sobbed, wretched with remorse. "I didn"t mean to push you away, I just…I couldn"t handle everything. It hurt! It hurt so fucking much and I didn"t want to feel anything anymore!"

"You sure seemed to be feeling things in there just fine!" Bash snapped, grimacing like he was in physical pain. "What, is Kit the only one you need now? You have no more use for me? Are we even best friends anymore, M? We don"t even need each other now?" he choked out.

That broke me. I had barely been able to remain standing with the sobs wracking my body, but his question had my knees buckling beneath me and I hit the ground. "Please don"t say that…please, Bash…I"m so sorry…" I cried, hiccuping with the force of my tears.

"Shit…" Bash cursed, running over and falling to his knees next to me on the side of the street. His arms came around me, and my body flooded with warmth. It was both heaven and hell in a single touch, both ecstasy and agony. It was the sensation I tried so hard to convince myself I didn"t need, but was as vital to me as the blood pumping through my veins.

Bash"s embrace was the only thing that made me feel whole, untarnished by all the damage we had caused. His arms were slowly repairing the devastation that I had brought on myself with the distance I created.

"Shhh…M, it"s okay, I"m here…God, I"m sorry, don"t cry," Bash pleaded beside me as I felt his own tears on my skin. I scrambled up and threw my arms around his neck, burying my face there, my tears showing no signs of stopping. His strong arms wrapped around me and crushed me to him.

"Bash, please forgive me…you have to forgive me, I was so messed up…I didn"t mean to do it, I ruined everything…I still need you, please don"t go!" I blubbered into his skin. I was almost nonsensical in my rambling, not even sure the specifics of what I was apologizing for. Ignoring him, avoiding him, being angry he didn"t love me, being jealous of Ainsley, hooking up with Kit just then…I was sorry for all of it. I let it all out as he held me tight, and I was positive the strength behind his hug was the only thing physically holding me together as I fell apart in front of him.

"M, I"m not going anywhere. I couldn"t if I tried. Jesus, I missed you so goddamn much and it was fucking killing me to think I lost you. I keep losing you…we have to stop pushing each other away. Fuck, we"re such a mess, M," Bash breathed out, his voice thick and watery.

I was almost inconsolable, not able to hit the brakes on the runaway train of misery that was barreling through my head. Bash said we kept pushing each other away, but I didn"t see a way around it. We needed each other, but our feelings were on different wavelengths and it was only causing us both grief. He was right. We were a complete mess.

Bash didn"t want me, but he didn"t like Kit to have me because he thought he was stealing his best friend. I couldn"t have Bash and was forcing myself to want Kit, but I still needed Bash in my life. However, being around him and not having him was heartbreaking, so I avoided him to cause myself less pain, but that in turn broke Bash"s heart to lose me. Fucking Oprah herself couldn"t help us sort out this tangle of shit we"ve gotten ourselves into.

"I don"t know what to do, Bash," I whispered in his ears, the tears finally slowing down enough that I was more coherent. "It hurts to be without you, it hurts to be with you…I don"t know which is worse anymore. You don"t want me, but then you seem upset when I try to move on with Kit…I don"t know what to do with that."

Bash stiffened under me at the mention of Kit. He didn"t respond, and I grew frustrated. I pulled back to look at him, and quickly noticed that we were still on the ground just outside the frat house yard. "Why were you so angry with me when you saw us tonight? I know I"ve been avoiding you and hurt you because of it, but why get so angry about Kit?"

Bash"s brows furrowed and he looked away from me, not giving any indication that he was going to answer.

"Bash, talk to me. Tell me why you were so upset," I demanded softly. Things weren"t clicking right in my head, and I needed this to make sense.

He closed his eyes and huffed out a breath. "It just…threw me for a minute. I know you said you were trying to move on from…your feelings for me, and…I don"t even know," he sighed, sounding just as frustrated as I felt.

Not letting him off the hook so easily, I pressed him. "Yes, you do know. Why does it matter that I"m moving on? That"s what both of us need, right?" I didn"t know why I was pushing him so hard for an answer, especially in light of the fact that I regretted the entire hookup and felt sick over it. Something prodded at me that there was more to his aversion than he was letting on.

"I don"t know, M…it"s over, just let it go," Bash mumbled.

"No, tell me why it was such a problem for you. I want to understand!"

"God, I didn"t fucking like it, alright? I just didn"t like seeing you together, M, that"s it!"

I was speechless, slowly processing his words. He could sense the giant "why" that was sitting on the tip of my tongue, and he rushed to cut me off. "Please don"t ask me why it bothered me so much, M. I don"t have it in me to get into that right now…please. Can we let it go?" he asked, looking me right in the eyes.

In that instant, with his hypnotic, penetrating gaze pinned on me, I would have done anything he asked. I would have fallen off the edges of the world holding his hand from just the look in his eyes.

I nodded at him solemnly, and he breathed a deep sigh of relief. He helped me to my feet, and for a few seconds we just stood there in silence, letting the calm after the storm settle over us. I couldn"t help feeling like we were in the eye of the hurricane—a deceptive peace that would soon give way to a more damaging wave just over the horizon. If that was what the future held, then I was going to soak in every moment of beautiful peace with Bash that I could before it was all swept away again.

"Bash? I truly am sorry I hurt you…I still love you, BB," I said, my voice wavering softly.

Bash"s eyes softened and he once again enfolded me in his arms, giving me a firm hug that radiated affection and forgiveness. "I"m so sorry I hurt you, too…love you, MM."

We stood there holding one another for a minute, and then Bash pulled back to look at me. "How about I walk you home, and we watch some TV or something?"

I gave him a teary smile, almost weak with gratitude that he was willing to put the last shitty month behind us and stay with me. More than anything else, I needed my bestie tonight.

We got to my apartment soon after, and I took a few seconds to text Kit and let him know I got home safely and that I"d text him tomorrow. He left me on read. I wasn"t sure what I was going to do about Kit after tonight, but I didn"t have the mental capacity to make that decision yet.

Once I was changed into my PJs and back in the living room, I hovered in front of the couch, unsure how close Bash would want me. Cuddling was the norm in our relationship, especially when we had our movie nights, but I was suddenly nervous that maybe we weren"t okay enough to handle that just yet. The choice was made for me when Bash reached for my hand and gently pulled me down right next to him, throwing his arm around my shoulders tightly.

It was like a pressure release valve for my nerves, deflating all the tension and angst that had built up over the last hour. I cuddled into his side as close as humanly possible, complete with my leg thrown over his thigh. He threw on Downton Abbey because he knew it was a comfort show for me when I was upset or sick. Always looking out for me, BB…why can"t I just love you as a friend and be content with that? Why is my stupid, stubborn heart so set on something I can"t have with you?

We were cuddled up comfortably for nearly two episodes, Bash randomly pressing soft kisses to the top of my head. Sometime into the third episode, Bash tensed up a bit in my arms just after Mary woke up with the dead, Turkish lover in her bed.

"Hey, M?…" he murmured softly to me, sounding a little nervous.

"What is it, BB?"

He hesitated, taking a deep breath and sounding like he kept trying to talk, but no sound would come out. I tried to sit up and face him, but he held on tight to me so that I couldn"t see his face.

"I know I don"t have a right to ask, but…what happened with Kit tonight, M?"

I froze, my body tightening up in his arms. I didn"t want to think about the tragic mistake I had made with Kit tonight, and I certainly didn"t want Bash to know the details. Shame draped over me in a heavy sheet, suffocating me. "Bash, I don"t…" I started.

"I just wanted to know…was that your first time?" he asked so quietly that I almost missed his words.

"Why are you asking me that, Bash?" I deflected, embarrassed beyond belief at the direction this conversation was headed, but greatly curious why he was asking, why he seemed to care.

"Please, M…just tell me."

"What does it matter if it was?…"

"Because…"

I lifted my head to look at him and that time he didn"t try to stop me. "Because why?"

Bash looked so forlorn and uncomfortable, and it made my heart squeeze. "Because if that was your first time, then you deserved so much more than that, M…it shouldn"t have happened like that, there in that house…not like that."

"How do you know that I haven"t done that before? That he would have been my first?" Something pricked at my memory and I tried to recall if we had this discussion before…did I tell him I was a virgin that night we hooked up? Or was it before that? Had I ever told him I was?

"I…assumed you would have told me if you had ever…had sex before. We used to tell each other everything, remember?" Bash said sheepishly.

I regrettably remembered very well the first time he told me he had sex, and the unfortunate amount of ice cream I consumed that night. I wasn"t hung up on whether or not I had told Bash that I was a virgin, but I still wanted to know why he cared so much.

It felt like I was on the precipice of a revelation, mere seconds from falling over the edge, unsure if I would fly or tumble to the rocks below. I wasn"t sure if I was strong enough to handle the reason behind Bash"s scrutiny of my tryst tonight, but something in his gaze gave me pause. Some glimmer of pain and fear there made me want to share the only important detail from tonight, if only to assuage his fear.

"I didn"t…we didn"t have sex tonight," I confessed, keeping my gaze riveted to his chest.

Bash"s breathing hitched, and he tilted my chin up so that I was forced to look him in the eye. "You really didn"t?" His eyes held a hopeful glint in them, and I didn"t want to put thought into what it meant. It had already been proven that my judgment about Bash"s feelings couldn"t be trusted.

"No, Bash. I haven"t…" I mumbled, unable to finish my sentence and feeling a flush creep up my neck. I didn"t need to continue though. He knew what I was trying to say. I prayed that he didn"t ask about what we had done tonight…that was something best left unsaid.

By some small miracle, he didn"t ask. Bash just continued to stare at me, his gaze flitting between my eyes as if searching for the truth in them. His gorgeous lips ticked up on one side in a small smile, and he leaned in to press a gentle, sweet kiss to my forehead, his lips lingering there.

The kiss was pure adoration, trickling warmth down my body from my head to my feet. It healed a tiny part of me that was battered and bruised from all the turmoil of the evening.

We cuddled back up together and watched another episode, the air around us no longer as stifling as it was a few minutes ago. However, there was no denying that things had changed between us tonight, subtly shifting and altering the fabric of who we were. It seemed like we were hovering around a confession that would move the ground under our feet, neither one of us ready for the quakes it would unleash.

Something was going to give, and I just hoped we would survive the fallout.