Chapter 13

CHAPTER 13

"Lily?"

A soft knock sounded at her door before it cracked open, and Charlotte's head popped in. "Good morning, darling. Well, afternoon. Would you like to join me and Kate for a walk?"

Lily rubbed the sleep from her eyes, then blinked hard at her friend.

"It is nearly two in the afternoon."

She did not care overly much about what time it was. She still preferred her bed to anyone. Or the stars. But she couldn't look at them any longer because she had been foolish and followed her heart instead of listening to her head.

Emotion had no place in science.

"No," she said simply.

Charlotte pushed through the door and sat on the edge of the bed. "It has been two weeks since you returned to London. At some point, you will need to leave this bedroom and live your life."

"Only if I can become invisible. Do you happen to own a very large cape I can hide under?"

"Luckily for you, it is the summer, and London is never very busy in the summer. "

"I don't know what to do with myself, Lottie. No one would marry me before, never mind now. I only wished to marry to find some security and leave my father's house."

"Is that what you truly wanted?"

"What?" Lily felt as if she could toss back her head and scream into an endless void that had gobbled her up since leaving Cliffstone. If she yelled, who would care?

Kate or Charlotte maybe, but eventually they would tire of Lily. Lily was tired of Lily.

"Do you want a husband?"

"Well, yes. Of course, I do."

"Why?"

"That seems like a ridiculous question. Because we must. No one longs to be a spinster. Society certainly frowns upon it. And I can't stomach being left at the mercy of my family because I couldn't land a husband. I am not as undesirable as that. At least I hadn't…"

"Do you wish for stability or a love match?"

Lily's heart tightened at that because once that answer had been vastly easier to answer.

"As you well know, Lottie, love matches are rare. I saw what losing my mother did to my father. I only want to secure my place in this world. Love is of no interest to me."

Charlotte nodded, crossing her arms. "If love is of no interest, then I do not understand why you have locked yourself away and remained in bed. You certainly won't secure a husband this way."

The numbness that Lily had drowned in ebbed as anger bubbled up inside. Good. She wished to feel something, anything other than that empty hollowness somehow occupying her body. It made little sense.

But love, she had discovered, never did.

And she loved Rafe Davies. She was quite sure of it. But a lot of good that realization did for her now.

Alone and brokenhearted.

"I only ask you to dress and come for a walk with us. Come feel the sun on your face. Men are rarely ever worth the trouble of hiding away. We have lives of our own, and if they wish to be careless with our hearts, it is their loss, not our burden to bear. They will never understand how strong women truly are."

Lily sighed, then dropped her head onto her friend's shoulder.

"It hurts."

Her friend grabbed her hand tightly in her own, then gently squeezed. "I know, sweet."

"What will I do?"

"Today, we will begin with a walk. And maybe a bath."

Lily chuckled, sniffing back tears.

"And tomorrow, you will try again, and I will be by your side."

"Again?" Matilda asked, waltzing into the breakfast room in a bright yellow gown. It was much too sunny for another day at Cliffstone.

Rafe rested his head on his hand on the table, mindlessly stirring his coffee and searching the paper for any mention of Lily, and beside him sat a full plate of breakfast—untouched.

"At some point, you will need to eat."

Henry strode in next, paused at the head of the table, then quietly turned to the side table to make himself a plate. Since arriving, Rafe had made it a point to avoid his brother. It didn't seem to matter as his brother and his new wife were excellent at avoiding him. He was beginning to feel as if he were intruding on the newlyweds. And he certainly didn't wish to remain longer, but London held too many important decisions.

And for two long, impossible weeks he had thought of nothing but Lily.

Lily and those soft lips of hers. The way her hand on his shoulder was all he needed to right the world when everything felt tipsy. He missed waking up to her, missed her talking about the stars excitedly, as if he understood what she was saying. He missed her damn brilliant mind and smile and her laugh.

And he had no one to blame but himself because had been too terrified to trust her to love him. He certainly didn't trust himself to love her, but instead of protecting her heart, he shattered it.

Along with his.

He didn't know where she'd gone. And he thought, rather foolishly, that it would grow easier bearing her absence as the days passed, but he was sorely disappointed. It was growing more difficult to do anything but think of where she could be. His letters to the Duchess of Dandridge went unanswered. He doubted she would have returned to her family, but perhaps she had.

And he had caused her to do so.

She was far too good for them, certainly too good for Rafe.

And he had made a grave mistake in dismissing her when she needed him and when he loved her.

He sat up and stretched, grabbing his coffee and draining the bitter liquid from the cup before spotting something out in the distance.

"What's that?" Rafe jumped to his feet and rushed to the window, rubbing his eyes, unsure if he was dreaming.

"That appears to be your sailboat." Henry strolled up behind Rafe. "And this arrived with it this morning." He handed Rafe a small envelope with a card.

"I heard you were excellent at sailing." Matilda clasped her hands behind her back and joined them at the window. "It would be a shame for that boat to sit unused."

He had left the sailboat in Wales, so why and how it was here at Cliffstone made no sense. He didn't wish to sail, certainly not on that boat when all he could think of was the last time he was out on the ocean with Lily.

His hands trembled as he opened the small envelope, struck at the ghost that waited for him. Lily's handwriting was scrawled across the slip of paper.

You deserve the horizon, Rafe. Don't give it up now.

He clutched the note to his chest, staring out at his sailboat in the harbor as his heartbeat hammered in his ears.

"The man was paid by Miss Abrams to deliver the boat. He sailed it here directly from Wales."

As happy as Rafe was at the news, he knew she only had one way to pay for such an expense.

He had waited and given her space as she had asked. He had been an arse to say the least, but he refused to let any more time pass without speaking to her and setting things right. Whether he remained here at Cliffstone or took a posting on another ship and sailed across the world, he would no longer punish himself and lose the woman he loved.

"I'm leaving," he announced.

Matilda and Henry looked at him with wide-eyed surprise, before Matilda broke out into a gleeful smile.

His mind raced ahead, thinking of what he needed to bring, and where he would find the man who brought him his sailboat. And where Lily could be. He would burn down England until she was in his arms again, and then he suspected he had a long, detailed apology to make.

And still, that would never be enough.

"Please tell me you are leaving to make things right with Miss Abrams," his brother said, following behind him as Rafe raced up the staircase to his bedroom to pack.

"If she will have me," he shouted over his shoulder, "yes."

"Hurry, but don't forget to pack some scones!" Matilda's voice echoed from below.