Chapter 14

CHAPTER 14

Lily loved the room she had at Charlotte's home in Mayfair. Or perhaps it was only that she felt safest there, curled up on the bench seat reading and writing until the day didn't feel quite so overwhelming.

Another two weeks had passed, and Lily hadn't heard from Rafe, not that she wished to. She was most certain of that.

Still, everything within her softened at the thought of him—before either an urge to cry or anger bubbled up, and then she was quite sure he was the daftest man in the history of the universe.

No matter, she had been alone much of her life.

It was what she was best at.

And after today, she hoped to have excellent news about her science texts. There was a lecture at the Royal Society, and she was determined to find someone to discuss them with. Charlotte would be there to make any necessary introductions.

She couldn't return to Cumbria to her father. And she wasn't sure where she should go next. She had no true home at the moment, but instead of feeling lost, she felt surprisingly steady in her decision to return to London.

If Rafe couldn't allow her to love him, and if he couldn't trust himself enough to love her in return, then that was never going to be successful. She didn't wish to be a burden to anyone any longer, nor to herself.

Lily was determined to find peace in this world and make space for herself.

She shut her book and swung her feet down from the bench. It was nearly time for tea before she readied for the lecture. The anticipation of it fluttered in her stomach.

Muffled voices echoed from the hallway, so she popped her head out, inching toward the stairs.

There Charlotte and Kate guarded the door with the footman, and Rafe stood on the stairs, being refused in.

"I have searched everywhere for her. Please, I must see her."

A hole in her chest opened at the sound of his voice. He looked as if he hadn't slept in weeks. And she couldn't find the grace within herself to allow him inside.

"If you have a letter, we can pass it on," Charlotte said. "But Lily is otherwise occupied and doesn't wish to see you."

Charlotte was right. Lily didn't wish to see him because the hurt was far too fresh, and whatever he had to say, it was too late.

Kate stormed close and wagged a finger in Rafe's face. He didn't back down an inch, but neither did Kate, and that was one of the many reasons Lily loved her so.

"A woman's reputation is all she has in this world. Once it's gone, it's very hard to ever have that restored, Mr. Davies. Search all you wish, write as many letters as needed, but if you think I will let you near Lily after what you have?—"

Charlotte held up her hand. "Kate, we should let him speak."

He backed away a step, scratching his brow. "I need to see Lily. I understand you want to protect her. You both love her, and I appreciate that she has the two of you since life has not been kind to her. But what I have to say to her is best for her to hear directly."

"Then you will need to wait until she is ready. As she isn't available at the moment, you will need to try another time."

Both Kate and Charlotte relaxed their shoulders, standing away .

Lily could go downstairs, and this all would end. She could hear Rafe out or simply dismiss him, but she wasn't sure she was strong enough to do either, so she remained hidden in the hallway until Rafe finally left.

Once the door closed, she shuffled out to the stairs, sank down, and leaned against the wall to steady the world around her. Why did it feel as if her heart had just walked away?

"Oh, Lily!" Kate turned and caught sight of Lily on the stairs. Her gray eyes softened. "Don't worry, he won't be seeing you until you are ready."

But she had still seen him. He was still that tall, handsome man she came to recklessly love, even if he also appeared a little heartbroken.

"I don't know if I will ever be."

"Then you won't be." Charlotte ascended the stairs and helped Lily up. "Come, let's have tea before the lecture."

A few hours later, Lily strolled through the hall for the science lecture, certain everything was about to change. Her body buzzed with excitement as everyone mulled about. Charlotte assisted with introductions, and Lily was invited to speak with a publisher at the end of the lecture.

She tapped her foot and waved her fan, anything to stop her nerves. Finally, she excused herself, slipping out into the hallway for a moment. She closed her eyes and reclined against the marble pillar.

When she opened her eyes, she was certain she was dreaming.

Rafe stood in the doorway to the street, turned out in his naval uniform. She used the wall to help prop her up so as not to crumble to the floor.

She couldn't run away, couldn't refuse him.

And she couldn't look away.

For the brief time they had known each other, he was Rafe. But here, standing before her like some Roman god, finally was Lieutenant Rafe Davies.

He removed his hat and approached, his features drawn in concentration.

"Hello, Lily," he said, his voice soft.

She nodded, her mouth suddenly dry. "Hello."

"I called on the duchess earlier today. I have been searching for you everywhere."

It was probably for the best that she avoided telling him she had heard it all and had hidden away like a coward. "I've been invited to speak with Mr. Lloyd at the end of tonight's lecture about my textbook. I can't talk?—"

He pressed his lips together and nodded. Not a curl was out of place, and his face was freshly shaved. She could smell his cologne. "It is awful timing, I know, but I must speak to you."

Lily finally righted herself and clasped her hands together, uncomfortable by how much they longed to touch Rafe. But not here, not now.

"There isn't anything left to say."

"I owe you an apology. No, probably several. And an explanation."

Lily glanced behind her at the packed lecture hall, then glanced back toward Rafe. The lines etched around his smile and eyes today didn't remind her of laughter. There was far too much sadness in his hazel eyes for that.

"All you had to do was stay."

"I can't. I… I'm meeting with my superiors after this. I've been told to expect a promotion and a new posting. My leave is finished."

Enough time hadn't passed. Surely that was why her broken heart bled then.

She hadn't been ready to speak with him, but there had been a comfort in knowing he was likely at Cliffstone as she pieced her life back together in London. But with him gone from England, sailing the world, it felt far too final of a goodbye.

"I wish I could stay. I wish I could have found the courage to tell you the truth. But I don't regret ever placing that advertisement or our time together." His voice broke, and he reached for her, but she shook her head.

No, she was certain that, if he touched her, she would finally, well and good, fall to pieces.

"I'm certain I hate you," she whispered, tears burning in her eyes. "But then you have to show up." She waved her hands as if that was enough explanation. Dear heavens and all things holy, the man was made for a uniform.

"I wish you well, Rafe. Truly. Now I must return before I draw any attention to my absence."

"Wait."

She spun around, drawing in her breath at how close he was to her. She gazed into his hazel eyes, already missing how he drank her in as if he hadn't had a sip of water for days.

He reached out and tucked that damned errant piece of hair behind her ear. "We are not done yet, Lily. I swear it."

She was far stronger than she realized. Somehow, she spun on her heels and returned to the lecture and never once looked behind, knowing full well he stood in the doorway and watched for a moment before finally taking his leave.

Lily shut her eyes and took a shuddering breath, then exhaled before Charlotte glanced at her and squeezed her hand.

"Don't be nervous, love," she whispered from behind her fan. "Mr. Lloyd seemed riveted by your proposal. I am sure good things will come from tonight."

Lily swallowed hard and focused back on the speaker, but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't keep her attention to his words on magnetism. Her heart beat wildly in her chest, and she fought with all her might not to jump up and run after Rafe. He had made a grave error in lying to her, and she wasn't certain she could ever trust him again. But love seemed to mess with logic, which was rather unfortunate.

It didn't matter that when the lecture ended and Charlotte introduced Lily to Mr. Lloyd, and they spoke about her ambition of publishing science texts for young girls, that he showed genuine interest. She had been working for the past two years on the project, and it meant everything to her, and yet she didn't feel happy.

"That went wonderfully," Charlotte said in the carriage later that evening. "I am so pleased for you."

Lily watched London pass by, a pit in her stomach deepening. "Do you still wish to open a school for girls? "

Charlotte glanced over and tilted her head. "I've considered it. I have the perfect spot here in London for it. Why?"

She was certain she was going mad, certain sometime between seeing Rafe this evening and meeting Mr. Lloyd, that she must have slipped in time and became someone else. "Because I wish to run one. Tonight went swimmingly, and I will continue discussions with Mr. Lloyd about my manuscript, but I don't think… it didn't feel right. And I realize that sounds absurd. But I have spent so much of my life ensuring I could study science that I think it best that I continue and provide a way for girls to do so. That is how I will save myself, not through marriage. I wish to run the school, Charlotte. And I wish to start immediately."

Charlotte chuckled for a moment before seriousness washed over her face. "You're serious?"

"Like the pox," Lily said, feeling a familiar pang in her chest. "I wish to make something of myself, and I don't wish to be at the mercy of a man to do so. If London wishes to punish me for only wishing to find security, then I will work twice as hard at creating a space where I can guarantee that for any girl who walks through my doors."

Her friend toyed with the tassel on the end of her fan for a moment before looking up with big, blue eyes. "That's a very noble idea."

"Being a woman in this world is hard enough. I don't need to romanticize my ambitions as anything other than starting a revolution."

Charlotte grinned. "Then that's what we will do, you and I. You start tomorrow, head mistress."