42. Chapter Forty-two

Chapter Forty-two

Clara

It might have been the wrong thing to do, but throwing myself into work was about survival. I spent a week in Utah overseeing the new management at our plant there. Fortunately, Marina was able to come with me to watch Nellie when I was working, and the three of us went on adventures when I wasn't.

The distance helped. Being somewhere I hadn't shared with Jake seemed truly imperative to…well, breathe.

I couldn't decide if I was overreacting or if what Jake had done was as horrible as it felt. Forgiving him and brushing it aside certainly would have been the easy choice, and god, how I wished I could do that.

But it didn't feel right. What was to stop him from doing something like this in the future? He could tell me he would never keep anything from me again, but he'd made so many promises he could break just as easily.

As soon as we were home from our trip, a different kind of pain began. Nellie had run through the house like she was looking for something, then came trudging back to me, her little lip poking out.

"Where's Jake?"

"He's not here, honey. It's just us girls."

"Okay." She fished my phone out of my purse and handed it to me. "We can call him."

My stomach twisted into a barbed wire knot. "Not right now. What if we watch your show?"

She'd been distracted that time, but later, after her bath and bedtime stories, she brought him up again.

"I can call Jake."

"No. I'm sorry, but it's too late. He's sleeping."

"He sleeps at my house." Her chin bunched and quivered. "Sage too."

"Not tonight," I told her as gently as I could.

"Tomorrow?"

I smoothed her hair from her sweet face, wishing I could give her what she wanted. I wanted him too, but I didn't know how to get past this. Or if I could.

"We'll see."

She jerked her head away, clutched the dolls Jake and Shira had given her, and rolled over, giving me her back. Under her breath, she muttered, "Want my Jake."

The remnants of my broken heart crumbled into dust. I couldn't give her what she wanted, and it felt like it was my fault. All I could do was be present and remind her she was safe and cared for and that would never change. "I love you, Nell-Belle. Very, very much. I hope you have sweet dreams."

After a moment, I heard a quiet, "Wuv you too, Mommy," and for a very short span of time, all was right with the world.

It didn't last.

The next few evenings and bedtimes were filled with demands I couldn't fulfill and angry, mournful tears. How I'd kept myself together in front of my daughter, I could not say. It was a feat I hadn't known I'd had the strength to survive.

"Where's my Jake?" she cried, big fat tears streaming down her cheeks. "I need my Jake!"

"I'm sorry, Nell-Belle. We can't have Jake right now."

"No!" Her cry came straight from her heart. "My Jake! I call him. I need my Jake, Mommy."

I held her against my chest as sobs rocked her small body, hugging her tight. It was too much. More than I could bear. But I had to. I had to stand firm and be strong for her.

"I love you, honey," I crooned. "Mommy's here, and I love you."

She clung to me, even though I was certain she was furious with me for not getting her Jake.

"I need him," she whimpered. "My Jake."

"I know, Nell-Belle. I know."

That night, I'd scrolled through his texts. Since he'd left my office, he hadn't failed to send at least one every day. So many times, I'd been close to replying, but I hadn't been able to bring myself to.

Fortunately for both Nellie and me, Shira and Bea came over the next night, giving us a much-needed distraction. Nellie was in hog heaven with all the attention from my friends and requested Bea put her to bed.

When everything was quiet, the three of us took large glasses of wine onto my deck and unwound.

They allowed me half of my glass before pressing about what was going on.

"Are you broken up?" Bea asked.

"I don't know," I replied honestly. "It's been two weeks, and I just can't get myself to even think about it."

"Why not?"

I shrugged. "It hurts, and whenever I try to sort out my thoughts, they get jumbled with my feelings about Miller. I…I'm confused. And so damn sad, I don't know how to keep moving sometimes."

"Don't you think speaking to him would help?" Shira asked.

"Maybe." I rubbed my forehead. "I'd planned on speaking to him, but I wanted to be more clear headed. I didn't think I'd be stuck in the same place two weeks later."

Bea hummed, and I raised a brow at her. "Please, speak freely. It isn't like you to hold back."

"I'm probably going to hurt your feelings," Bea stated.

I snorted a laugh. "Last night, my daughter pleaded and cried for me to give her Jake. I don't think my feelings could possibly hurt any worse."

"All right." She took a deep breath, gesturing in my direction. "This is very like you. The whole needing a clear head before you'll even have a conversation with Jake. You revel in the details and ticking boxes. It's what makes you successful at your job. But this…it isn't that, Clara. You're treating the fate of your relationship like it's a business deal and you won't go to the table without being fully prepared."

"Bea," Shira gasped. "That was—"

"It's true, Shir," Bea said. "Tell me what part is a lie."

Shira glanced from me to Bea, her mouth opening and closing, no denial forthcoming.

"Is that what I'm doing?" I whispered. "I don't mean to. But I can't just follow my feelings. If this were about how much I love him, I would've forgiven Jake immediately."

Bea sipped her wine, as calm and cool as always. "I'm not saying you need to forgive him now—or ever. But taking two weeks to gather facts when you already have them isn't going to get you anywhere."

My shoulders deflated. "I know, but—"

"Is it safer?" Shira asked. "This…in-between—is it safer for you, Clara?"

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I mean…I was there when Miller went to prison. I saw what that did to you. If I'd been pressed, I would have said you'd never open up to anyone again."

"I would have said the same," I agreed.

Shira set her glass down to clutch my hands. "You did, though. You let Jake in and shared Nellie with him. That was huge for you…and it also terrified you, right?"

I nodded. I couldn't deny it. "Absolutely."

Shira wasn't a big talker, but she seemed determined to get this out. If it was important for her to say, I would listen, even if I didn't exactly want to hear it.

"You never stopped being terrified of having your heart broken again, did you?"

Pressing my lips together, I shook my head. At the very root of me, I carried a deep-seated fear I'd end up back in the dark place Miller had left me, and I couldn't go back there. Not with Nellie. I had to stay in the light for her.

Shira's big eyes were so gentle, steady on me as she imparted her thoughts. "If you let Jake go now, it's safer for you. That doesn't mean it's the wrong decision, but if you're choosing it because of that, I think it is."

I fell back against my chair's cushions. She might as well have taken a look inside me and mapped my neuroses out for me to clearly see. There was no question she was right. I might not have been aware of what I was doing, but I'd certainly allowed two weeks to go by because it was safer than facing what might happen if I confronted Jake head-on.

Bea held up her glass. "Yes. Shira put it much better and more kind than me. I agree with everything she said."

I looked up at the stars twinkling above me. "So, I have to decide if I can move on from this."

"Oh, you can," Bea said with assurance. "Whether you move on with Jake or on your own is what's up in the air. Do you want my vote?"

I rolled my wrist. "Sure. Why not?"

"I can't believe I'm saying this since I would tell you to walk away from ninety-nine percent of the men on this planet, but Jake…he adores you, Clara. And he's so sweet with Nellie. I can't, in good conscience, advise you not to at least have a meaningful conversation with him."

I blinked at my friend, who regularly chewed men up and spit them out. Not necessarily men she dated, but random guys on the street who tried to talk to her—which happened at a surprising frequency.

"You've gone soft," I said.

"Don't say that." Bea's nose crinkled. "It's the influence of the two of you. You know that, right?"

Shira let out a tinkling laugh. "Well, you've toughened me up a little."

Bea's brow arched. "Have I?"

Shira's cheeks pinkened. "You've made me want to be tougher. And for what it's worth, Clara, I love you with Jake. What he did was a betrayal, but I don't think it's unforgivable." Her long lashes lowered to brush her cheeks. "Then again, I haven't been through what you have."

"I hear you," I whispered. "I'm still scared."

Bea kicked my chair. "But you're a badass, Clara Rossi. You ride a motorcycle and make grown men cry."

"That happened once." I laughed through my welling tears. "I'm going to talk to him."

Bea tapped her chin, her eyes sweeping over me. "When?"

"I don't know. Soon."

Her eyes flared. "Soon could be next month, knowing you and how you overthink everything. Give yourself a deadline."

"By tomorrow," Shira added. "End of the day."

I crossed my arms over my chest. "What if I'm not ready?"

Bea put her finger to her lips. "Shhh. We're not humoring you anymore."

"Is this tough love?" I turned to Shira. "You too?"

Shira gave me her meanest look, which was not very mean at all. "End of the day tomorrow…or else."

I tried not to let the churning fear in my belly surface. My friends were right to push me. They'd done it when I'd needed it in the past, and I'd needed it even more now.

"All right. I'll contact him by the end of the day tomorrow."

First, I'd have to figure out what exactly I would say to him.