Chapter 24

twenty-four

Brinley was finally asleep, snoozing loudly on her bed which Savannah had yet to extricate herself from. She wasn’t sure she could go out there and face the music. Fallon had witnessed one of the most embarrassing parts of Savannah’s life. She hated that Forrest talked to her like that, that he felt he could control her like that.

So she stayed in the bed, feet up on the mattress, listening to her daughter’s deep breaths in and out.

But she knew she had to leave.

Fallon had promised to stay until she got back out there so they could talk, but that couldn’t be in the morning, as much as she might prefer it. Savannah wiped the silent tears from her cheeks and slowed her breathing. She had to prepare herself for what she knew was going to come. Whatever it was would be emotional and heavy. There’d be no escaping it. And this time it couldn’t wait, not like it had before.

That much was clear.

Forcing herself off the bed, Savannah tiptoed out of the room and shut the door behind her so that Brinley could sleep. She’d wake up in the morning cranky and exhausted, but they’d both be in the same boat. Running her fingers through her hair, Savannah made it to the living room to find Fallon sitting on the couch with her phone in her hand and a steaming mug of something on the table.

Savannah couldn’t even bring herself to speak as she plopped onto the soft cushion next to Fallon and kept a significant amount of space between them. What was she supposed to say? What was she supposed to do?

“I wouldn’t blame you for leaving,” Savannah finally mumbled, her voice hoarse from the overwhelming emotions and the tears she’d shed earlier. “I get how sensitive this must be for you.”

Fallon sighed and set her phone onto the table next to the mug. She handed the mug to Savannah and forced her to take it. “It’s a hot toddy.”

“Oh.” Savannah blinked at the liquid, surprised. She never would have thought of something like that, but it would be perfect for a night like this. “Thank you.”

The first sip was utterly amazing. Her throat stung as the liquid moved down it, but the warmth that filled her belly and her chest was exactly what she needed.

“I’m so sorry,” Savannah finally murmured. “I’m so embarrassed.”

“Because your ex can’t control himself?”

Savannah nodded slowly, taking another sip of the amazing drink. “Yes. And because I can’t seem to put my foot down with him no matter how hard I try.”

The doubt on Fallon’s face was loud and clear. She didn’t believe Savannah had even tried to stop it. Perhaps she hadn’t for a really long time, and now she was reaping the consequences of not setting boundaries in the first place.

“He wasn’t this bad when we met,” Savannah argued, even though the passion wasn’t there. She was tired of defending Forrest, of letting him weasel his way into her life even more when she just wanted him out.

“One thing I need you to understand is that I come from a home like this.” Fallon ran her palms over her thighs, and she refused to look Savannah in the eyes. “My house growing up was very… chaotic on a good day. Dark, muddy, scary, untenable on a bad day. Deathly even.”

“Fallon—”

Fallon shook her head, and Savannah shut her mouth. If Fallon wanted to talk about this, then Savannah needed to let her. Perhaps it would give them both more insight into each other.

“Mom used to tell me that Dad wasn’t that bad at first, when they met, when she agreed to marry him. Tia, however, told me a different story. He was that bad. He just didn’t let Mom see it.” Fallon wrung her hands together tightly. “Stop lying to yourself, Savannah. It’s not going to do anyone any good, Brinley the least of all.”

“You’re right.” Savannah puffed out her lips. “He’s always been a bit controlling. But he never used to yell or control like he does now, and it seems he’s starting to use Brinley to exert even more control on both of us.”

“I’m not sure you’re hearing my concern.” Fallon pushed herself back into the couch and then immediately sat up again. She couldn’t stay still. For the first time since they’d met, Fallon was struggling to say something, and it was making her incredibly uncomfortable.

Setting down the mug, Savannah scooted closer to Fallon and covered her hand. She laced their fingers together and squeezed tightly. Fallon seemed to settle. She, at least, relaxed slightly. Savannah pulled Fallon’s hand up to her lips and kissed her delicate skin.

“Then try again. I’m listening,” Savannah murmured. She sounded so calm, but she wasn’t. Her heart hammered, thudding against her chest to the point that it nearly hurt. Her shoulders were so tense that the ache slid down her back and into her hips.

“I can’t be in a relationship, friendship or otherwise, that’s going to put me right back where I was when I was a kid.” Fallon squeezed Savannah’s hand tightly, not letting up. “I can’t watch Brinley go through what I went through.”

Savannah took in a shuddering breath. “What are you saying?”

“Tonight was too much of a reminder of my childhood.” Fallon let go of Savannah’s hand, breaking the connection they had, smashing the hope that Savannah had harbored these last few weeks. “I can’t put myself in a situation where I’m going to be a witness to that, or where I’m going to be forced to ignore it, or worse yet, where I’m allowing it to happen again.”

Fallon straightened her back, but she didn’t stand up to leave. She didn’t raise her gaze to meet Savannah’s. Spinning in the circles of what Fallon had just confessed, Savannah couldn’t find traction. This sounded like a breakup before there was even a relationship, a true one anyway. And it was because of Forrest? Not something that Savannah had specifically done, but more something she hadn’t done.

“I can’t control who her father is,” Savannah stated, her tone sharper than she’d intended, but all those defenses were pulling tighter and fighting their way to the surface. “I can’t make him not exist anymore.”

“I’m not asking you to,” Fallon snapped.

There was the argument that Savannah had been looking for. There was the sharp pang in the center of Savannah’s chest, a hurt that was exploding and multiplying before she could even begin to capture it.

“I’m asking you to protect her.”

“I am protecting her.”

Fallon shook her head slowly, her eyes wary. “Not well enough. Tonight shows exactly that. She needed you tonight, and you were out here dealing with him.”

“Fallon, I can’t be in two places at once. Hell, I can’t be in three places at once. I can’t be coddling her while fighting him, and I can’t be standing next to you and watching it all either. What you’re asking is impossible.”

“It’s not.” Fallon stood up and paced back and forth in front of the television. “Brinley is your number one priority, she has to be.”

“And you think she’s not?” Offense swept through Savannah, stealing over her heart and capturing her in its grasp. She wasn’t ever going to be able to come out of this one, was she? What right did Fallon have to tell her this? She wasn’t a parent. She hadn’t even been in Brinley’s life for more than a few months.

“I think she is.” Fallon put her hands out to her sides and closed her eyes in defeat. “I think she needs to remain there.”

“And you think that you’re going to change that?” Savannah was ready to scoff, but she held it in. Something about Fallon’s countenance was off, and she couldn’t put her finger on what exactly it was.

Fallon shook her head slowly. “I’m going to make sure that I don’t.”

“Are you arguing the same thing Forrest was? That because Brinley was with Kyla, she wasn’t my priority?”

“No, that’s not what I’m saying.” Fallon brought her hands to her sides and bunched them into fists. “Brinley wasn’t your priority with Forrest tonight. You wanted to poke him and argue with him. You wanted to prove your point that he was wrong.”

“He is wrong.”

“It doesn’t matter if he’s right or wrong. That’s what I’m saying.” Fallon’s voice rose, louder by the second. She took a breath, blowing it out. “You were out here when she needed you in there.”

“She needed me out here,” Savannah rebutted. “She needed me to be the barrier between him and her, and that’s exactly what I was doing. Like I said before, I can’t be in two places at once, Fallon. I’m grateful you were there for Brinley, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t doing my job as her parent because I wasn’t calming her down but instead shutting down the fight that upset her to begin with.”

“You didn’t shut it down!” Fallon shouted. “He’s going to come back, and he’s going to fight, and he’s going to rip you apart from limb to limb just to prove his point.”

If Savannah had been standing, she would have stumbled back. There were tears in Fallon’s eyes. There was pain stricken across her gorgeous face. That look was the most powerful one that she’d ever seen. It was devastation.

“Fallon…” Savannah pushed herself to stand, and she walked slowly to where Fallon stood. Taking Fallon’s hands in her own, she laced their fingers together and stared down at them. What was she going to say? Fallon was right. Forrest was going to do exactly what he’d promised, and he was going to sue for custody again, take her back to court, claim she was an unfit mother. She’d been there before. This wasn’t a new argument.

What was different this time was that Fallon was here.

Savannah hadn’t gone into this decision alone. Fallon had been here when she’d made it. She’d had support and hope even when Conrad wasn’t around anymore. And all that was slipping away through her fingers. She didn’t want whatever was between them to end, not before it really got started, but she could understand Fallon’s fear.

But understanding and standing by were two very different things.

“Fallon.” Savannah raised her face to meet Fallon’s gaze. “I understand why you’re afraid, not just of Forrest and the dramatic flair he brings with him wherever he goes, but of me and Brinley and what it means to be in a relationship with a single mother who comes out of a contentious divorce. But I can’t be with someone who’s going to allow fear to run their life and get in the way of making them happy. I thought you were fighting that.”

“I did too.” Fallon dropped Savannah’s hands and stepped back. She shook her head, putting even more space between them. “But I’m not sure if I can.”

“Fallon.”

Shaking her head, Fallon moved swiftly. She snagged her phone first and then her purse.

“Fallon, don’t leave. Not like this.”

“Nothing’s going to be resolved tonight,” Fallon answered, shoving her phone into her purse and then spinning in a circle.

“It can be if you stick around and actually talk this out.” Panic worked its way into Savannah’s throat. “But if you leave, then where does that leave us?”

“Like I said,” Fallon started, her eyes locked on Savannah’s face, “we’re not going to resolve anything tonight.”

“Because you’re leaving. If you’re not willing to even talk this out, then how are we going to figure out anything.” Savannah moved around the coffee table quickly and snagged Fallon’s hand. “Don’t leave.”

“Let me go, Savannah.”

Did she mean physically? Or did she mean emotionally?

Savannah wasn’t ready for the latter. She released Fallon’s hand, her fingers itching to touch again. Touch had always connected them, it always brought them closer together, but now Fallon was pulling away. The one thing that Savannah knew would keep them talking was out of her grasp.

“I’m not ready for this conversation to be over,” Savannah tried again, desperation clinging to her like an old musty jacket that she couldn’t get rid of.

“It needs to be. At least for now.” Fallon’s jaw was clenched so tight that Savannah could see the muscles bulging at the sides. “I need some time.”

“Time for what?”

“To calm down,” Fallon said through gritted teeth.

“So this conversation isn’t over?” Confused, Savannah grasped for straws. She needed something to keep her hope alive.

“It is for tonight.” Fallon grabbed her jacket and threw it over her shoulders, buttoning it before she slid her purse over her arm. “Take care of Brinley.”

“I always do.” Savannah furrowed her brow. That sounded far more like a goodbye than anything had before this. “Let me take care of you.”

“No one takes care of me,” Fallon said quickly.

“Because you won’t let them,” Savannah countered.

“Even so, no one takes care of me.” Fallon nodded firmly and started toward the front door. Her fingers were on the doorknob when Savannah stumbled two steps forward.

“Fallon.”

She stopped, holding her place as she looked over her shoulder and locked her eyes on Savannah’s pained gaze.

“Please don’t let your fear ruin what we have. Please don’t let it come between us.”

“It already has.” Fallon’s lips thinned into a line. “I’m sorry.”

Fallon was out the door and gone before Savannah could form the words on her tongue, the words she absolutely wasn’t ready to say. But they slipped from her lips, making room for the tremendous hurt and frustration that tore through her.

“But I love you.”

Tears cascaded down her cheeks as she stared wildly at the door, willing Fallon to come back, to hear her, to stay. But she didn’t. The door remained shut. The tension stayed thick. And Savannah crumbled.