18

HAVING ABANDONED HER much-needed breakfast, Iris went into the first coffee shop she came across, Te & Kaffi, which was further along Laugavegur. She was sure that Siggi would be back at the hotel by now, so the coast was probably clear. She bought a flat white and a cinnamon bun and sat at the table furthermost from the door, where it was dark enough that no one would notice her red eyes.

She should have expected this. She had expected this. She was just an idiot for thinking that the feelings she and Siggi had for one another could overcome his typical commitment-phobe reaction. And she was an idiot for thinking that she could have a fling with someone and not fall head over heels for them. There was always going to be an end, and it was always going to hurt. It had come sooner and harder than she'd expected, that's all.

The important thing now was not to let this define what happened next. She was on the verge of a career-defining moment. That was the most important thing. She'd been single for so long, she could easily switch back into that old mindset. She had got over Patrick, and this was no different. In fact, it should be easier because she'd only known Siggi for a matter of days, for goodness sake. How could she even begin to feel heartbroken when that was the case? But she did feel a little bit heartbroken and the only way she knew to deal with that was distraction. By the time she'd finished her coffee, Siggi probably would have been to and left the hotel and she could go back there in peace and spend the rest of the day writing her report. This is what she should be doing. Concentrating on work.

Before she left the coffee shop, Iris went to the bathroom to check how she looked. Not too bad, considering. Her eyes looked okay, but she looked sad. She tried to give herself a peppy smile, which she couldn't manage without looking like a sad puppy, but she made herself laugh. What did she have to cry about, anyway? Even without Siggi, she was still better off than she'd been a couple of weeks ago. She'd never been more excited about work, and she might finally see the back of Jay as a result.

She walked back along Laugavegur towards her hotel. It was nice to feel like she was getting her bearings. As she walked past one of the shops, she noticed a pretty mug in the window. It was large, colourful and something that Iris felt was absolutely essential to making herself feel better.

The shop was full of beautiful things. Iris picked up the mug and clutched it to her chest while she browsed everything else that was on offer. It was a shame she didn't have her own place anymore, although it was probably a blessing for her bank balance. She picked up a candle that was set into a holder made of lava. That would be a great souvenir. Then she decided she'd buy one for her parents and her brothers as well. It wasn't often she went anywhere that had beautiful shops like this, so she made the most of it. Perhaps the retail therapy would help boost her mood.

‘Can I take those over to the counter for you?'

‘Oh, thank you.'

‘Ah, Iris! It is good to see you again.'

Iris took a moment to place the woman. It was Gudrun from the open mic night she'd been to with Siggi. She was part of his group of friends.

‘Gudrun.'

‘It is so nice to see Siggi with you. He has not been so happy for a long time.'

Iris didn't feel it was her place to have to explain to Gudrun what had happened. She was Siggi's friend and would obviously have to take his side.

‘Are you alright?' Gudrun was looking at her in concern, and it tipped Iris over the edge.

The tears fell down her cheeks again before she could stop them. ‘I'm sorry. God, how embarrassing!' She wiped her eyes and tried to laugh it off, but inside, she was as devastated as she'd been when she'd left the restaurant. Apparently, half an hour to herself and a new mug wasn't going to help after all.

‘Come with me,' said Gudrun, expertly taking Iris's shopping from her, and leaving it at the cash desk. She muttered something in Icelandic to the man behind the counter and took Iris's arm, leading her to some narrow stairs that went into the basement of the shop.

‘I'm sorry, I just need a minute,' said Iris, taking the chair that Gudrun offered. They were in a tiny office which had a desk with a computer on it, a couple of easy chairs and a bigger swivel chair that was tucked under the desk.

‘What has he done?'

‘Nothing,' Iris said, shaking her head, at the same time wondering why Gudrun would assume that her being upset was to do with Siggi.

‘Come on, you can tell me. I know when a woman has been upset by a man. He might be Olafur's friend, but we have to stick together. I love Siggi but he has no clue about relationships. That is how I know that it is him.' Gudrun was beginning to sound cross. Iris wasn't sure she was going to be fobbed off.

‘We had a misunderstanding, that's all.' Unfortunately, her mind flicked back to the moment when Siggi had felt the need to reiterate that she shouldn't make any decisions with him in mind, and a gulping sob escaped.

Gudrun held out a box of tissues. ‘Iris. I am going to tell you about Siggi and maybe it will help you to understand him. I am not telling you any of this to excuse his behaviour. This is for you. So that you know the problem lies with him.'

Iris blew her nose. It was on the tip of her tongue to say to Gudrun that really, it wasn't her business what made Siggi tick, but actually she wanted to know.

‘Now, I am not supposed to know any of this, but Olafur and I share everything, so…' She shrugged as if that were explanation enough. ‘Siggi was in love with a girl. They were both young, at university in Reykjavik. Olafur says he was besotted with her and she with him. They had plans to travel the world together, then she got pregnant.'

‘Siggi has a child?'

‘Yes, a daughter. I think she is around fourteen.'

‘But he's never mentioned her.' There was a lot that she and Siggi didn't know about each other, but something like this would have come up by now, surely?

Gudrun shook her head. ‘Siggi did not want to be a father. Olafur says he was angry that the plans he had made for his life were ruined. He decided to walk away.'

‘He left her because she was pregnant?' Iris wasn't sure how to reconcile that with the Siggi she knew, who was thoughtful and kind and unlikely to abandon anyone in their hour of need.

‘Yes. He left for a couple of years, travelling. Then he came back, hugely regretful of what he'd done. He tried to make amends but his ex-girlfriend had a new partner and had made a family with him. Siggi did what he thought was the best thing for his daughter and walked away again.'

‘So he doesn't see her at all?'

‘No, he does not talk about her, even to Olafur and Jonas. It left him broken-hearted, Iris. And when he met you, it was like a new Siggi. Olafur says, it was the old Siggi. You are the first person he has fallen for since all of that happened, so many years ago.' Gudrun had a wistful look in her eyes, as if she were telling Iris a fairy story.

‘So you think he pushed me away because he's not used to dealing with his feelings?'

‘What I am saying is that he is surprised by how strong his feelings are for you. The two of you deciding to have fun while you're here but not longer than that, it was a safety net for him.'

Iris frowned and looked at Gudrun in confusion.

‘He came round to our house and confessed his love for you.'

‘Oh my god, did he?'

‘Well, perhaps he did not say love,' Gudrun said with a smile. ‘But he likes you so much, he was scared. What can I say? I can see the two of you together.'

Gudrun knew more about Siggi than she did. And if he'd confided in her about how he felt, it was probably worth running past Gudrun what had happened. She told her everything. From Jay, to Bjarkey's take on it all, culminating in the job offer.

‘It might be my dream job and if I take it, Siggi's going to think it's because of him, although after this morning, that is not the case anymore,' Iris sniffed. ‘And I don't want to turn it down just so that I can go along with what he wants and end things between us next week. It seems like lose-lose.'

Gudrun sighed. ‘You have to do what is best for you. At least now he is being an arse, you can more easily leave him out of your decision?'

Iris laughed. ‘He was an arse but at least now I have some clue about why.'

‘So you might forgive him?' Gudrun's face was so hopeful, Iris wanted to say what she was waiting to hear. But she couldn't. It was too raw.

‘He made it very clear that what we have is a finite thing, not something that could carry on if I happen to decide to stay.'

Gudrun took Iris's hand. ‘But you understand that he is scared to let himself love you.'

‘I do.' The feeling of rejection and the sudden switch in Siggi from being his usual warm self to the cold, detached person who had crushed her, washed over her again. ‘He pushed me away, and however I feel about him, now it makes me question whether I can be with someone who can make me feel as if I've imagined the feelings that have grown between us for the past week or so.'

‘I am sorry. I do not want you to think that I am on Siggi's side. He should not have treated you like this. But I know that he loves you, Iris and he is probably devastated that he has done this to you.'

Iris tried to smile. ‘Well, I hope so.' She wiped her eyes with a fresh tissue. ‘How do I look?'

‘You look like a woman who will be cheered up by a store discount.'

Iris laughed. ‘That's true. Would it be cheeky to add a few more things to my pile?'

‘Not at all. I dragged you away before you had seen everything. I am the store manager so you can use my staff discount which is even better.'

‘Thank you, Gudrun. Perhaps it's better not to tell Siggi that we spoke.'

Gudrun ran her finger and thumb across her lips. ‘I will not tell. And you must not tell Siggi that I told you about his daughter.'

‘Deal.' Although at this point, she couldn't imagine what it would be like to speak to Siggi again. It felt unimaginable that they'd ever be able to go back to the easy relationship they'd had before.

Iris spent another half an hour browsing the Snug shop, stunned to find out that there were branches in the UK and in a few other European cities. It had completely passed her by until now.

‘Okay, I'm done,' she said, placing a beautiful blanket on the counter with the rest of her goodies. It was woven in the softest shades of grey and heathery purples, with a dash of bright pink and green that lifted it.

Gudrun sent the guy who had been manning the till off to tidy some cushions and rang up Iris's sale herself. She packed everything carefully into a huge brown paper carrier bag. ‘I think this bag will be okay today,' she said. ‘We have plastic ones for when the weather is terrible.'

‘Thank you for this. For everything.'

‘I hope we see you again soon. And you can always find me here if you need to talk about anything.'

Iris walked back to the hotel reflecting on how remarkable it was that she had found two women here who she'd confided in about things she wouldn't dream of talking about to her friends at home. Whether it was because they had busier lives than her, with husbands and families that made Iris feel as if her issues were insignificant and superficial in comparison, or whether it was because Bjarkey and Gudrun had an openness about them that invited those sorts of conversations. Either way, it was going down on the pro side of the mental pro-con list she was making about the possible job at the IMO.

When she got back to the hotel, Embla was still on the front desk, but wasn't shooting daggers at her for once. She gave Iris a small smile. It was unsettling but probably a sign that Siggi had been here looking for her. No doubt Embla had softened knowing that something had gone wrong between them.

‘Iris? I have a note for you.'

Iris backtracked to the reception desk and took the folded sheet of paper that Embla held out to her. She flicked it open for long enough to see that it was from Siggi, then shoved it into her Snug shopping bag.

‘Thank you.' She was surprised that Embla would do anything for Siggi given how much she seemed to loathe him.

‘No problem.' She gave Iris what seemed to be a genuine smile. ‘I am sorry.'

‘Thank you,' Iris said again, not sure what Embla was sorry about. Presumably either the rift between her and Siggi, or being a less than welcoming receptionist.

Iris went up to her room, closed the door behind her and, after she'd put her shopping carefully down on the side, took off her coat and boots and lay on the bed. She felt exhausted, and it was only eleven in the morning. Then she remembered the note that she'd stuffed in the bag.

Iris,

I need you to know that what I said is not because I feel nothing for you. I feel everything for you. But I am not a man, someone like Jonas or Olafur, who can share their life with someone. I do not know what my future looks like beyond next week and I cannot imagine how it would look with or without you. Please let me try to explain, Iris. I cannot live with knowing I have hurt you.

S

x

It made Iris feel better that he sounded sorry, but it didn't sound as though he thought any differently about the situation. Perhaps just that he wanted to explain himself properly. Either way, it was too soon and too raw to risk hearing Siggi explain again that he didn't want her. The one word she would have liked to see in the note was "mistake". Whether he made a mistake in saying he wanted no part of a future with her or whether it was simply that he'd made a mistake in the way he'd handled the situation, either way she wished that was how he saw things. All Iris could read into the note was that he couldn't share his life with her, and while he couldn't imagine her not in his life, that probably wasn't enough of a reason to go all-in together.

She folded the note in half again and again until it was tiny. Then she tucked it in her case and tried to forget about it. The fissure in Hraunvik wasn't going to wait for anything and she had more data to analyse from the new seismometers they'd sited yesterday. It was over with Siggi. She had to accept that. Perhaps before she left Iceland, she'd talk to him, try to get some closure, but she had to forget about any future with Siggi in it.