19

IF ONLY HE hadn't had to pay the bill, he might have caught her up. In the time it had taken for the waitress to fetch the card machine and for him to tap on it, Iris had disappeared.

Siggi pulled his coat on as he strode along Laugavegur towards Iris's hotel. He was angry with himself. Why had he reacted like that? So quick to establish a distance between him and Iris, as if that was really what he wanted. The problem was, he'd spent the past fourteen years making sure that no one got close enough to him that he could ever be held responsible for bringing their world crashing down around them, like he had done to Hekla all those years ago. Since then, he had kept any relationships he'd had superficial. If anyone had got close, that was their problem. He'd always been straight with women about what they could expect from him, and they still expected too much.

But Iris had expected nothing. She'd sat there and told him it wasn't about this job, it was that she knew now she had options. It might be here, it might not. And he had trampled all over that and made it about him. All he had heard was Iris locking him into her future, just like when Hekla had told him she was pregnant, and in that instant, he'd felt exactly the same as he had back then.

He got to the hotel, having scanned the streets around him as he walked for any glimpse of Iris. And it was just his luck. Embla was on the desk.

‘Have you seen Iris in the last few minutes?' he asked her.

‘No. I am guessing you have had an argument?' There was an air of satisfaction in the way she said it, making Siggi want to stalk out. But he didn't. He had to find Iris and explain.

‘Can I leave a message for her?'

Embla slammed a pad and pen down in front of him. But it wasn't that easy. He took a seat on one of the inviting leather sofas, resting his ankle over his knee and the pad of paper on his thigh. He ran his hands through his hair and closed his eyes, hoping inspiration would strike. It was important not to make excuses. He knew that much. And saying sorry wasn't enough.

‘What are you trying to say?' Embla came out from behind the desk and sat on the sofa next to him.

‘I need to say sorry, but also I need to talk to her. Explain.'

Embla sighed. ‘So she is different from other women you have been with. Different to me?'

‘I'm sorry,' he said.

‘You know you never said sorry to me before.'

‘Really?'

‘Yes, really. You made it seem like it was my fault. That I should have known you didn't want anything more than sex.'

Siggi frowned. ‘But that is not what I wanted. Not just sex, Embla. We had a good time together —'

‘And then you left.'

‘But I was always going to leave. You knew that.'

‘I suppose I thought we might have had a conversation about me coming with you.'

Siggi shook his head. He had made such a mess of everything. ‘I'm sorry.'

‘Is that what happened with Iris?'

‘No. Not exactly.'

‘Look, if you like her, you have to talk to her. Tell her how you feel and what you want. You need to write from your heart.' She tapped the pad, then stood up.

‘Thank you, Embla.'

‘You're welcome. I can give it to her.'

It took a while, but eventually, Siggi finished the note, hoping that it would be enough. He folded it in half and handed it to Embla. ‘Thank you. You deserved better than me.'

She smiled and gave a small shrug. ‘You weren't falling in love with me. I knew that. And I also know you are falling in love with Iris. So you are forgiven by me and I will hope for you that she does the same.'

Siggi left and walked along to the office. Brun was manning it today since Siggi was on the Northern Lights tour again later on, but he was interested in whether they had any bookings for tonight. Was there a chance the trip might not run? He needed to know, just in case Iris called.

‘Hey, Siggi,' said Brun, looking up from the computer when he heard the door open.

‘Brun. I haven't seen you for a while.'

‘Not since the open mic night. With Iris.'

And here it was again. ‘Yes.' Siggi sank down into a chair in the corner behind the desk.

‘How is Iris? Is she still here?' Brun finished what he was doing and swivelled his chair round to face Siggi.

‘Yes. I think she's staying until whatever is happening in Hraunvik starts up.'

‘Ah, I have heard it will be in the next few days.'

‘I think she will leave after that.'

‘You think? I thought you two had hit it off.'

Siggi nodded and gave his friend a rueful smile.

‘Oh.'

‘Yeah.'

‘The usual? She is getting too clingy?'

‘Right now, she's the one person I wish was more clingy.'

Brun grinned. ‘I did not think you would ever say that.'

‘I know,' he said, rubbing his eyes with his fingertips. ‘And even though that's how I feel about her, when she told me she might be staying in Iceland for work, I told her to back off.'

‘Oh, Siggi.'

‘It was an automatic response. I have always avoided any relationship that felt like it had a future, and now that a person has come along who makes me think things could be different…'

‘You are scared.'

‘Maybe.' That was it exactly. He was scared. The moment that Iris mentioned the job, it felt as if her world was aligning with his and he wasn't ready for that.

‘What do you think about her staying?'

‘Mostly, I feel pleased for her. She deserves the opportunity to shine at a place that knows how great the work is that she's doing. If she'd told me it was anywhere else, we would be out celebrating now.'

‘So you don't see a future with her? She has not made that much of a difference?'

‘I can't picture the future. Ever since…Hekla.' He paused to gauge Brun's reaction because they never talked about Hekla, even though all of his friends had been around when it had happened. ‘Since then, I have focused on not looking any further than the next trip I want to take, or the next stretch of time here, saving up again. I guess everything else that happens in my life is too temporary to factor into any of that.'

‘So if Iris hadn't said anything, if she just was here, working without you knowing it might be for longer than a couple of weeks, what would happen then? Because you guys have been having a great time, right?'

‘She means a lot to me, Brun. But if she stays, doesn't that automatically mean that we are together because what else would we do?'

‘Man, you're thinking too hard about this. If you like her and she likes you, isn't it better that she's here and you can carry on being together, seeing how things grow? What is to be gained by ending things just because she might be here longer? Has she said she would not want you to travel?'

Siggi shrugged. ‘We haven't talked about anything like that at all.' Listening to Brun had made him realise he had made a lot of assumptions that perhaps were based on what people other than Iris might want or expect.

‘I think you need to talk. You are different now. There is no need to run away from something like this, assuming it is a bad thing. Maybe Iris has reservations as well.'

Now he felt like a total idiot. Of course she might. She had been single for a long time too and perhaps that was because of what had happened with that guy, Patrick. And now he'd reacted as if just by mentioning that there might be a chance for her to stay, as if she'd proposed marriage or something. ‘I didn't give her a chance to say what she might be thinking,' he admitted. ‘And now it's too late.' He felt sure that if she'd been ready to forgive him, to listen to his side of the story, she'd have messaged him by now.

‘It won't be,' Brun said reassuringly. ‘Just make sure you're honest with her about how you feel. Apologise. And decide what you want. Don't run away from your feelings. That will lead to more regrets. Maybe you want a future with Iris, maybe not. But whatever you want, it is important to make it work. And you can only do that by listening to yourself.' Brun gave his chest a quick tap.

‘Thanks. It's all good advice,' he said with a rueful smile.

‘No problem.'

Brun and Fliss had thought they were doomed to live separate lives, and in fact, they'd made a life together, albeit with a foot in both England and Iceland. They'd known what they wanted, and they'd made it work.

Knowing that he wanted Iris was the simple part. As soon as he'd seen the devastation in her eyes that morning when he'd pushed her away, he'd known it was too late to save himself. He loved her. What he was having trouble with was seeing what the future looked like.

‘Before you and Fliss worked things out, how did you see the future with her?'

‘Much the same as you, I could not imagine it. I could not see anything except the things that would keep us apart.'

‘But you knew you could overcome those?'

Brun shrugged. ‘I didn't know. I had to be guided by Fliss because of her children. It was not up to me to decide what happened. And she is the one who has made it work. She has compromised more than I have.'

‘If Iris ends up living here, that ought to be the answer. If I'm in love with her, why wouldn't I be happy that she is here for longer than the next week or so?'

‘Because you have lived on your own terms for so long that you can't imagine having to take account of anyone else. What if you want to go somewhere for a couple of months and she can't go? Do you think it's that?'

‘Maybe. Travelling is how I felt like myself again after what happened with Hekla. I could leave all of that behind and pretend it didn't exist. Then, when I wished I had made better decisions about being a father, it became a way to escape the constant reminder of what a failure I had been to my daughter. Because the memories are everywhere. Me and Hekla… we're everywhere.'

‘I know. I remember,' Brun said with a smirk.

‘Iris makes me forget all of that stuff. It's like I'm not that person when I'm with her. I haven't booked my next trip, or even thought about where I want to go.'

‘That says a lot.'

‘And I was so busy focusing on what I thought I wanted, I didn't even realise that.'

‘Don't be too hard on yourself. Being in love changes you, but you're not going to change overnight. It is a learning curve for you both, to learn what each other wants and how you work your lives together.'

‘Assuming she feels the same.'

‘Yes. That helps.' Brun grinned and clapped Siggi on the shoulder. ‘You will work it out.'

‘I have to hope she is willing to speak to me.'

‘She will.'

Siggi didn't share his friend's certainty. But he was willing to wait. Whatever it took. He was beginning to understand what Brun was saying. He had to take a moment to think about what he really wanted. This wasn't something he could coast through. If he was serious about Iris, he had to think about what that looked like for him.

He picked up the list of clients for his trip that evening, along with the keys to the minibus, and headed home. The aurora forecast was good, but the weather forecast was not. It seemed likely it would be postponed. He ought to accept that he wouldn't see Iris tonight and instead take advantage of the chance to clear his head. Going back to his empty flat was going to lead to him over-thinking, waiting, and watching his phone. He didn't want to cave in and contact her. The ball was in her court and he had to leave it to her to contact him on her own terms. By the time Iris messaged him, if she ever did, he needed to have worked out what he wanted. And the only way he knew to empty his mind enough to allow him to see clearly was to surf.

‘If the tour is cancelled tonight, I think I'm going to camp out at Sandvik,' he said to Brun, following the number one rule of telling someone where he was going. ‘Surfing might help.'

‘Good idea,' Brun said, smiling and shaking his head. ‘I am glad you are not inviting me. Camping and surfing in March is crazy.'

‘That's what makes it fun,' Siggi said, looking at Brun as if he didn't know what he was missing.

Siggi hadn't surfed since Hawaii, and he hadn't surfed in Iceland for around a year. He dug his thick winter wetsuit out of the cupboard. Just the smell of it was enough to give him a taste of the buzz he'd get when he stepped into the freezing surf. He packed up other things he'd need like towels, neoprene boots and gloves and plenty of warm layers to dress in afterwards. Everything else he needed, like his surfboard, Jonas let him keep at the company's storage unit. He planned to wild-camp near the coast. The temperatures were still dropping to almost freezing overnight, but with the right equipment, which he had, he'd be fine. And he'd be ready to surf at sunrise.

He packed everything into a large rucksack and put it into the boot of his jeep before he went to pick up the rest of his things from the unit. This impromptu camping trip was exactly what he needed to clear his head and get some perspective.