42. Sawyer

Chapter 42

Sawyer

I always knew it was coming, but I still can’t believe it’s here. Violet is leaving for California today, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to get my shit together.

I barely slept last night. I kept waking up from dreams of watching Violet drive away or rolling over in the night and expecting to find her there but only finding emptiness instead. When she agreed to move in, I never could’ve predicted how difficult it would eventually be to say goodbye to her.

Half the day has already passed in a daze while I’ve been waiting around for Violet to pack up her things. It’s awkward, to say the least, but I’m sure she doesn’t want to drag out the hurt, so I’ve stayed out of her way as much as I can. This can’t be any easier for her to handle than it is for me, but I do wonder how she’s coping with it. She’s mostly being her usual, bubbly self, but there’s a tinge of sadness in the way she talks to and looks at me when we’ve crossed paths in the house.

Jake’s been following her around like a lost puppy dog, the poor kid. Of all of us, this is arguably hardest on him, just like I knew it would be when I agreed to the arrangement. He’s always gotten attached to the sitters he likes, and his relationship with Violet is easily the strongest of all of them, so it’s no surprise he’s having a hard time letting her go. All day, he’s been insisting on helping her, which I’m sure is having the opposite effect, but she’s been amazingly patient with him. Then again, maybe she’s glad to hang out with someone who knows what she’s going through.

Someone who isn’t me.

I’ve lost track of how long I’ve been sitting on the edge of my bed, just watching the sun’s rays creep across the floor closer to my feet and ticking down the minutes until I have to say goodbye. This was inevitable, and I knew that, but when I hired her to nanny and when we started hooking up, her departure seemed so far away. Like we had all the time in the world.

But it wasn’t far enough, and now it’s time.

In a daze, I push myself off the bed and stumble to the bathroom. My own reflection startles me. I look like hell, my brows stitched and my eyes sunken. I splash cold water on my face, determined to wipe the pained expression off it, but when I glance back up at the mirror, it only looks like a marginal improvement.

I want to support Violet in what she’s doing, in spreading her wings and growing her career like she deserves. But there’s a powerful voice chanting in the back of my head to go downstairs and beg her to stay, to change her mind and just stay here with Jake and me.

As much as I want to, I can’t do that to her. It’s not fair.

This thing between us, whatever it is, turned into so much more than I ever expected, but I always knew it wasn’t going to last forever. I have to be a man about this.

I dry my face with the towel hanging by the mirror, then swallow the burn bubbling up my throat from my heart.

It’s going to be okay. It’ll fade in time, just like everything else you’ve had to go through. And this is the right thing for Violet—that’s what matters most.

With another deep breath, I force myself to go downstairs. Every step feels like I’m planting my foot into a freshly poured slab of concrete, making the step that comes after it even harder to take. Seeing her bags piled by the front door, waiting to be loaded, freezes me. There’s something about them that makes the permanence of all of this way too real way too fast.

But eventually, I reach the living room where Jake and Violet are sitting on the couch together. The air’s thick with melancholy, and neither of them are saying anything. What is there to say? Everyone’s sad about this, but there’s nothing we can do about it.

I put on my bravest face and try to smile at Violet as I enter the living room. “Do you need any help with the rest of your packing?”

She turns on the couch, one hand holding up her face, and smiles back at me. “No, I think I’ve already got everything. Thank you for asking though.”

“Sure. I guess I’ll start loading things up then.”

Her gaze lingers on me like she wants to say something, like maybe there’s some voice screaming in the back of her head too about how she should just call it off. But the moment passes, and she pushes herself up off the couch to follow me with Jake right behind her. We all grab a bag or two and march outside to her car where it’s parked and unlocked on the curb.

It’s going to take a few trips to get everything loaded up, and more time to get everything situated so that none of her windows or mirrors are blocked, but I’m not complaining. I’ll take every little second I can still get with her, even if it’s for something as depressing as helping her pack up to leave.

Jake stands on the curb watching Violet and me load and move everything around in silence, only talking when we really need to, and every time I see the look on his face through the windows, I choke up a little. But I’m not going to be the one to start the waterworks, so I keep myself together and just stay focused on loading everything until, sadly, there’s nothing left on the curb to load.

“Thanks for the help,” Violet says quietly as she brushes her hands off on her pants, then makes her way to where Jake is standing.

As she approaches, his eyes fill with tears, and by the time she kneels in front of him, he’s fully crying. She flicks his chin with her thumb affectionately and smiles.

“You’re handsome even when you’re crying, you know that?”

Jake sobs and throws his arms around her neck, and she immediately hugs him tight. Watching his little body shake as he cries in her arms tears my heart to shreds, and Violet’s tears are soaking the shoulder of his shirt too, but she sniffles and kisses his cheek.

“I’ll come and visit as soon as I can, just like I promised, okay?” she chokes out and tries to break their hug, but Jake’s too upset to speak so he just nods and tightens his grip on her. She laughs sadly and hugs him back until he finally lets her go. She stands and ruffles his hair. “Be good for your dad, okay? I’ll hear all about it if you aren’t.”

“I will, I promise,” Jake promises, rubbing both his eyes with his fists.

Violet’s tearful gaze drifts to me, and I feel something break inside me.

I’m not sure I can do this .

My mouth opens but nothing comes out because I don’t have a clue how to say goodbye to her. Or if I can even physically get the words out.

The best I can manage is a shaky smile, and she flashes me one back, her eyes gleaming with tears. My hand reaches out to brush them away instinctively, my heart feeling like it’s going to explode. I step closer to her with words burning on the tip of my tongue.

“You’re so fucking amazing, heartbreaker,” I tell her quietly so Jake can’t overhear. “Remember that when you’re out in LA. Remember what a beautiful soul you have. How kind and funny and sweet you are. Fucking hell, I’m lucky to have had you in my life. Lucky for every second I’ve gotten to spend with you.”

Violet nods, more tears streaming down her cheeks. “I’m lucky too. This time together was…”

She can’t finish the sentence, but she doesn’t need to, because I know exactly what she means. I nod.

“It was. You changed me. Made me better. I’ll never forget that. Never forget any of it.”

I pull her in for a hug one last time, gripping her tightly, and she clings to me just as hard, as if neither of us can end it. Jake joins in, wrapping both of his little arms around our legs, and Violet laughs through her tears as she rubs the top of his head.

When she finally lets go and steps back, I feel something dislodge inside me. It feels like I’m cleaving away some part of myself, a piece that can’t be replaced. I’ll never be the same after this. After her .

She wipes her eyes with the back of her hand and digs into her purse for her keys. “Well, I’d better get going. It’s a long drive, and daylight is fading.”

“Drive safe. Text me if you need anything, and please let me know when you make it there.”

“Of course. Thank you for everything, Sawyer.”

“Thank you , heartbreaker,” I murmur roughly.

“Bye, Ms. Violet,” Jake says through his tears, waving as she opens the driver’s side door and climbs in. She blows him a kiss and closes the door, then turns on the engine. She puts the car in gear, and I don’t know what comes over me, but I lurch forward.

“Violet!” I call out, and she puts the car back in park and rolls down the window. I rush to it, leaning down to rest my forearms on the frame.

“I love you,” I murmur hoarsely. “I know it doesn’t change anything. I know you have to go. But I wanted you to know that before you leave.”

Pain streaks across her face for a second before something warm and soft replaces it. She swallows, more tears spilling past her eyelashes and tracking down her cheeks as she smiles at me.

“I love you too,” she whispers, her voice shaking.

Then why isn’t that enough?

I already know the answer. Just having feelings for each other won’t fix the practical things keeping us apart. She has her new life beginning out in California, and I have mine here with Jake. Neither of those things are going to change, and I wouldn’t dream of asking her to stay here just for me. I’d never want to clip her wings like that.

But that doesn’t stop me from leaning into her car to kiss her one last time.

“Go get ’em, heartbreaker,” I murmur. “You’re gonna do amazing.”

Violet nods, holding my gaze with her watery eyes for what feels like forever. But eventually, she puts the car back in gear and pulls away. Jake wraps himself around my leg, quietly crying, and I rub his hair to comfort both of us as we watch her drive away until she disappears around the corner and out of the neighborhood, honking.

“Come on, buddy, let’s go back inside,” I tell Jake and scoop him up into my arms to trudge back toward the house.

When I walk in, it doesn’t even feel like home anymore.

It feels empty, lifeless.

Like someone turned off all the lights and ripped out the wiring so they’ll never come back on.

Or maybe it’s the hollow cavern in my chest that feels empty—because Violet took my heart with her when she left. And I don’t know if there’s anything that’s going to fill that hole.