4. Ella

CHAPTER 4

ELLA

We make it back to my house and the moment we walk through the front door, I suddenly become very self-conscious of my space. I do a quick scan of my living area, thankful that I hadn't left the house too messy. When you live alone, you get accustomed to living in your own mess because you're the only one who has to put up with it. Sometimes I will leave the dishes on the sink until I've run out of forks. It's a terrible habit that I've gotten into, and lord help the next person I end up living with. I'm glad I spent the morning doing a quick tidy though, and I only have one plate left on the sink.

My house—if you can call it that, since it's more like a shoebox—has two small bedrooms with an open living space and teeny tiny back courtyard. I've lived here for three years and despite wanting a bigger home, the rental market is shit and I won't get anything for this price again. I rent it privately through some old guy who never bothers me. It's the perfect set up and really, it has all I need. Well, not everything. A dishwasher would be nice.

Xavier is standing in the middle of the room, taking it all in. "Nice space! It's cute."

"Thanks, it's small but comfortable. Do you want a drink? I've got wine or water," I say, opening the fridge and having a look. It's a little bit empty, thank God it's pay day this week.

"Sure, I'll have a glass of wine if you will."

"Oh, I'm definitely having a glass. I got stood up. I am sad. I may even finish the bottle. Who knows! The night is young." I fill up two glasses and hand one to him. I clink my glass against his and take a big sip. He just stands there and looks at me. "What?" I ask.

"Nothing. I'm just trying to figure out how someone could possibly think standing you up is a good idea," he says and then takes a sip. Once again, I feel myself starting to blush. I've never blushed so much around anyone in my life. Before I can respond to him, he asks me for a tour of the house. I laugh, since he can literally see 80% of it from where we are standing.

"Well… this is most of it. Over here is the bathroom…" I lead him to one of the doors coming off of the living area. One thing I am grateful for, is that despite the size of this place, I do have a bath. I try to have at least one bath a week, because self-care . I walk to the next door, which is my bedroom. "Uh, this is my bedroom. Nothing too exciting, just a wardrobe and a cold, lonely bed. Moving on," I say. He pops his head inside, and again, I am glad I tidied this morning and that I actually made my bed for once."Now this room is my favourite room in the whole house. I spend almost all of my time here."

I open the door to my personal library and turn on the lights. In one corner I have my vintage armchair, where I sit for hours on end. I bought it online for an absolute bargain and it's some of the best money I've ever spent. I have a fluffy, baby pink rug placed on the floor in the middle of the room, and of course, my books. One whole wall of the room is covered in floor to ceiling bookshelves. I've lost track of how many books I own, there are books of every genre on my shelves. Along with a few plants and souvenirs from my travels. This room is my happy place, and a direct representation of who I am.

"Oh wow." He steps inside and walks up to the shelves. "When you said home library, I didn't think you meant an actual home library."

"The only thing missing is a rolling ladder. Every bookworm's dream." I sigh. "But yes, I wasn't exaggerating. This is where all of my money goes."

"I mean, you could be spending it on worse things. It could be drugs," he says.

I laugh. " You're not wrong there. Now, what was it you wanted me to pick out for you again?"

"Whatever you think is the cringiest and smuttiest book on your shelf. Shock me." I grin at him, then he smirks back at me. "There's a smile! Though, that one terrifies me a little."

"I am going to have fun with this. Let me have a think." I start to look on my shelves; there are a couple that stand out that I know for a fact would have him squirming. But no, he wants to be shocked, and there is only one book I can think of that would do that.

"Ah ha! Found it. Here you go. I can't wait to hear your thoughts on this one. I think it might change your life." I hand him the book and his jaw goes slack just looking at the title. He sits down on the armchair and opens to the first page and reads.

"Woman, you need Jesus," he says with a laugh.

"Just you wait. I expect live updates and reactions as you read it, please and thank you."

We move back out into the living room and plop ourselves onto my couch. I'm feeling quite tipsy at this point, but not quite enough to distract from the feeling of rejection I got from being stood up. Plus, I'm a little bit antsy. It's weird having Xavier here. Yes, he's hot, but I barely know the guy! But then, I think about some of my friends who will literally invite a man from Tinder into their bed without meeting them first. I wish I had that sort of confidence, but I'm too paranoid and insecure for that shit.

"Is this not a bit weird?" I ask. "You being here right now, I mean. I barely know you, and here you are on a Saturday night trying to cheer up someone you've only just met. Do you not have anything better to do?"

"Could I be out drinking with the boys right now? Yeah, probably. But there was no way I was going to let you go home sad and alone tonight, regardless of how long we've known each other. It's just not in my nature. Are you okay with me being here? I hope I've at least proven myself to not be a complete psychopath."

"I am, actually. You're very easy to be around, and I feel quite comfortable in your presence. I think it just feels a bit strange, it's been a while since I've had someone new in my house." I go to take another sip of wine but realise my glass is empty. I grab the bottle back out of the fridge and refill my glass. Then, I top up Xavier's.

"What do you mean by someone new? I know you said you've been single for five years, but what about one-night stands?" he asks, curiously. I wasn't expecting the conversation to go there. Am I comfortable enough to talk about sex with him? It could be the wine or his comforting presence, but weirdly enough, I think I am. However, it's bad enough that he knows I can't even manage a decent date, let alone admitting that I'm in the longest dry spell of my life."You don't have to answer that if you don't want to. But you also described your bed earlier as cold and lonely, so I'm a bit curious," he adds.

"I did, didn't I? Well, let's just say that my sex life is as pathetic as my dating life." I cringe.

"Okay I wouldn't describe your dating life as pathetic. Surely, it's not that bad though?"

"Well, I haven't been penetrated by a man in a year. I'd say that's pretty bad."

He chokes on his wine."Okay, I wasn't expecting you to put it like that. But really? You haven't had sex in a year? I don't believe you," he says, wiping droplets of wine from his beard.

"Sorry, I tend to overshare. But I wish I was kidding. It has been a long, long year. Throw in a few shitty dates and it doesn't leave a girl feeling very good about herself." I don't know why I'm telling him this, I don't want him to pity me and again, I barely know this guy. "But it's fine, I'm fine. I probably shouldn't have told you that."

"Why not?"

"Because it's embarrassing. And I don't really talk about this sort of stuff with people I don't know that well."

"Okay, that's fair enough. We can change the topic if you want. But honestly? I wouldn't say it's embarrassing. Not at all—shit happens. Life happens. It's more… surprising."

Oh ."Is it that hard to believe?" I ask.

"Well, yes. Actually. You're hot. I would have thought you'd have men lining up at your door."

I can't remember the last time I felt butterflies in my stomach. Xavier thinks I'm hot. Me. "Well… thank you. That's uh, kind of you to say." I can't tell if he's flirting with me or if he's just being nice. Plus, I'm a little bit more than tipsy at this point. This gorgeous man has complimented me a few times now, so if he is flirting, then maybe I'm in with a chance. If he isn't and I'm reading it wrong, then I am likely to just embarrass myself even further. I decide to play it safe and assume he's just being nice. There's no point in hoping. I gave up hoping a long time ago.

"You are. Any man would be lucky to spend time with you. I feel lucky just being here, sitting and talking with you," he says with a smile that makes the butterflies in my stomach do backflips. That dimple in his left cheek makes an appearance once again. "I'm really sorry about what happened tonight. Are you okay? Really?" he asks.

"If I'm being honest? No, I'm not okay. Rejection sucks and really, it shouldn't hurt this much. I hadn't even met the guy. But I guess that's the problem, he's made me feel worthless by not showing up. He decided I'm not worthy of his time before he had even met me. I mean, look at this guy." I pull out my phone and show him a photo of who I was supposed to meet with. He frowns but says nothing. "I just don't know why I bother anymore," I say, staring into my glass. "Just another thing to bring up with my therapist I guess."

"Well, I'm sure nothing I say will help change how you feel, and I'll leave the therapy talk for your actual therapist. But I will say, you are not worthless. I know I've only known you a couple of weeks and we've really only met in person two-and-a-bit times. But I can say with certainty that you are worth it. He is an absolute prick for making you feel that way. "

I don't know what to say to that. It seems like the bar is so low for men in my life that someone who has come in after knowing me for three weeks tops can treat me better than any man has in years. I can feel the back of my eyes start to burn and I refuse to cry in front of this guy. So, I just say thank you and have another sip of wine.

We sit on my couch for a while, just talking. He is so easy to talk to, and I find myself able to open up to him quite quickly, which could be dangerous. I have my walls up for a reason, and a man like this could definitely smash through them within no time. Then, he tells me a little bit more about his last girlfriend.

"Her name is Jade. We met quite young, and despite there being no real problems within the relationship itself, the spark just wasn't there for me anymore." He sighs. "The next step for us would have been marriage, and she'd been waiting for it for a while, but I just couldn't do it. We spoke about it, and though she was devastated, she understood. We actually lived together for nearly six months after breaking up, but it got way too difficult."

"Um yeah, I imagine it would have." I can't think of anything worse than living with an ex, but each to their own, and good on them for trying.

"Mmm. So yeah, despite breaking up seven months ago, it's only now that it's really starting to hit me that it's over."

I take all of this in. There's no way he would be looking to date at the moment. Which he confirms when he says how much he is enjoying his new found independence. It seems that all he needs right now is someone to talk to, and I'm happy to oblige. We end up finishing the bottle of wine and it's only then that I remember Xavier drove here.

"Crap, you drove here, and I've just fed you half a bottle of wine. Do you think you'll be okay to drive?" I ask.

"Well, I feel fine, but I probably shouldn't. No worries, I'll just get an Uber home. Shouldn't be too expensive from here." He pulls his phone out and opens the Uber app. I see him type in his address and then frown at the screen. " Ah…" he says.

"Hmm?"

"It's saying it will cost me $87 to get home."

"What?! That's ridiculous! You're not doing that. You'd then have to get back here tomorrow somehow to pick up your car. You can just crash here if you're comfortable? The couch isn't too bad to sleep on." I'm half tempted to offer him my bed, but I'm not drunk enough or dumb enough to do that.

"Are you sure? I don't want to impose."

"I offered, so you're not imposing. You got me home safely the other night, the least I can do is offer up my couch for you to sleep on." I go to the linen cupboard and get out a blanket and a spare pillow.

"Thank you, Ella. I appreciate it. I didn't plan to drink much or stay this late. You're just very easy to talk to, and I guess I lost track of time." He's standing right in front of me now and I look up at him. The way he says my name sends a pulse straight through my core and once again I find myself turned on by the smallest action. I have zero chill with this man.

"It's fine, I feel the same way. It's been really nice; I haven't done anything like this for a while." I smile at him. "If you need anything, just let me know. I'm going to go to my room."

"Sure thing. Goodnight." He goes in for a hug and I don't stop him. He's quite a bit taller than me, so I wrap my arms around his middle. He is the perfect build for cuddling. Strong arms but still soft around the middle. He wraps his arms around me and rests his chin on the top of my head. I feel a lot of things at that moment. This hug makes me feel safe. Protected. And after an emotionally draining afternoon, it's the comfort I needed. He lightly brushes his thumb against my rib cage, and it sends shivers down my spine. His slight touch is electrifying. I don't know how long we stand there embracing, but it's enough for me to conclude it's one of the best hugs I've ever had. Which is actually kind of sad. It's this thought that has me pulling away from him, ending the moment.

"Thank you, I didn't realise how much I needed that." I say, stepping back.

"I figured you might need one, I hope it helped." He tucks a loose strand of my hair behind my ear, and I almost swoon. "Goodnight, Ella."

"Goodnight Xavier. "

I walk towards my room but stop when I get to my door and turn to look back at him. He's still standing, watching me. There's a softness to his eyes, but also something more. Something I can't quite place. I smile at him and give a little wave before stepping into my room and closing the door behind me.