40. Xavier

CHAPTER 40

XAVIER

"Hey, Jade. Just letting you know I'm heading to your place, but I'm gonna be early. Hope that's okay. If not, too bad, you should have answered your phone and told me. See you soon!"

I leave the voicemail on Jade's phone as I'm halfway to her apartment. After speaking to Brian, I'm feeling a little lighter, and a little less guilty for ending the relationship with Jade. I need to have a conversation with her, just to see how she's really doing since the breakup. To see if she's actually disappointed in me. We've talked about it, but it has always been surface level.

I pull up out the front and make my way to the entrance, punching the number of her apartment onto the keypad and I wait for her to buzz me up.

"Xavier, um, hey. You're early."

Jade's voice comes out statically through the intercom. Weird, normally she just buzzes me in.

"Yeah, I called and left a message. Can I come up?" I ask. There's a pause.

"Um. Yeah, yes. See you in a bit."

The speaker buzzes and the door swings open. Jade's acting weird but I can't think about it too much otherwise I'll chicken out of this conversation. I catch the elevator up to her floor and knock on the door. It takes her a minute to answer, and then she's there opening the door, looking a little flustered.

"Hey! Come on in," she says with a smile, albeit a very large one, suspiciously large.

I walk in and close the door behind me.

"Hey, sorry for getting here early, I finished work a little sooner than anticipated—" I stop talking because sitting at Jade's kitchen table is Lena. "Oh, hey, Lena. Sorry, I didn't know you would be here."

"Hey, Xav, it's all good. I wasn't planning on being here by the time you came around but you're early, so…" she trails off and looks at me sheepishly. I check the time and I'm only 20 minutes early. I'm not surprised that Lena is here per se, since she's one of Jade's best friends, I just hoped Jade and I would be alone for this.

"Fair enough." I sit down at the table opposite Lena, and Jade just sort of hovers at the table. I look at her, and I look at Lena. They're both looking at each other, and then to me.

"Okayyyy. You're both being weird. What's going on?" I ask.

They look at each other again and then Jade sits at the table next to Lena."Xav, we've been separated for what? Over a year now?" I nod. "I love that after the initial hurt, we've been able to stay friends. There's just something I've been wanting to talk to you about for a while." She's playing with her hands in her lap, a tell-tale sign she's nervous.

"I love it, too. I've also wanted to talk to you about some stuff, and that's why I'm here." I glance over at Lena and frown a little. She doesn't seem to be getting the hint that this should be a conversation between just the two of us.

"Right. Okay. Do you want to go first or should I?" she asks. I gesture for her to go first.She looks at Lena again. "Well, I wanted to talk about, like, moving on," she says nervously. I sag with relief.

"That's what I came to talk about too," I tell her.

"Oh, really? That's great! I've wanted to tell you for so long, but I didn't know how you would handle it."

Huh?

"What do you mean? Tell me what?"

She hesitates. "My… um. My new relationship…"

I go still. New relationship?

"Uhh, what new relationship, Jade?"

She looks at Lena again and so, I do too. I look between the two of them and it hits me. Jade smiles at Lena and takes her hand.

"Ohhh," I say, mostly because I have nothing else to say.

"Please don't be mad," Jade whispers.

"Mad? Why would I be mad? I love Lena. She's great," I say, maybe a bit too quickly. Though it is true, I do love Lena. She's not just a great employee, she's a great friend.

"Thanks, Xav," Lena says.

"You're not mad that I'm… dating a woman?" Jade asks hesitantly.

"Oh, no, I'm not mad about that, God. I know you've always been bicurious, Jade. We were together for quite a while, remember?" I smile at her, and I hope it puts her at ease. I have no issues with her dating a woman.

"Yeah, I remember. I'm glad, Xav. I was worried."

"No issues here, I'm happy for you. How long has this been going on?" I ask.

They look at each other.

"Six months," Jade says with a wince.

"Six months!"

"I'm sorry! We really wanted to tell you, but I didn't know how."

"It's fine. I'm not mad. I'm just… I dunno. Frustrated." Six months. I was seeing Ella at the same time as Jade was seeing Lena .

"Why are you frustrated?" Jade asks.

"It's Ella, isn't it?" says Lena. I nod. "What happened there? I thought you two had something?"

"Um. We did. I ruined it, of course."

Jade leans across the table and takes my hand in hers and squeezes."Tell us everything."

I swallow hard and take a deep breath.

"We were just friends at first, and then the sexual chemistry just sort of grew naturally, and we decided that perhaps we could start a strictly physical relationship. No emotions or feelings."

Jade snorts and I frown at her.

"Sorry," she says. "Those sorts of arrangements never stay physical."

"Yeah well, I was hopeful. We did have a good thing going for a while, but then feelings got involved."

"Okay, and then what happened?" Lena demands.

"I fucked it up. The whole time I was seeing her I told her I wasn't ready to commit to something new because I was afraid I couldn't give her what she deserved, which was time and effort. And then Dad finally retired, and I took over the business, and it all got too much. Something had to give. I couldn't risk disappointing her like I did to you, Jade, so I ended it."

"How long ago did you end it?" Lena asks.

"About three months ago."

"Hmm, that makes sense. You've been grumpier for around about the same time," she says. Jade smacks her arm.

"Ow! What? It's true. You wouldn't know, you don't have to work with him."

Jade shakes her head and then looks at me.

"Xav, I love you, but you're an idiot."

"Thanks."

"I understand you didn't want to hurt her, I do. But you can't compare how our relationship ended to what could have happened with Ella. We were together for five years and it fizzled, I see that now. I was hurt and upset, but I was never disappointed in you, Xav. I hope you know that. You can't let that fear of disappointing someone hold you back from trying," Jade says.

"I realise that now. I've actually started seeing a therapist, and he said something similar."

"That's so great, Xav. I hope it's helping."

"It is."

"So, did you love her?" Jade asks, smiling softly.

"Yeah, I think I did. Still do, really," I say.

"Aww!" they both say at the same time.

"Oh, shut up." They laugh. "It's too late now anyway. I hurt her, and it's been three months. I've probably lost her."

"How do you know? Have you two spoken since?" asks Jade.

"Not properly. A couple messages here and there—she actually gave me the idea of therapy, but nothing in the last month."

"So, you never know."

"Maybe." I chew on my bottom lip and think everything over, the last three months in particular. Business is booming. Jimmies' social media presence has grown quicker than I anticipated, and because I've started stocking drinks from craft breweries and distilleries, we've drawn a whole new crowd. The place is busier than ever, and I'm so proud.

"What are you pondering?" Lena asks.

"Just thinking about the business," I admit.

"Business is booming." Lena states.

"I know, the place is doing so well. It's just… what's the point of having success if I can't share that with someone?"

They both nod in understanding.

"I wish I could have seen it that way months ago. She was willing to wait, you know?"

"Okay, even though I would never advise a woman to wait around for a man, she sounds like an amazing woman," Jade says.

"She is. Even Meryl loved her."

"Wow. Now I am impressed." The memory brings a smile to my face. "So, fight for her."

I look up at Jade.

"You said so yourself, she deserves someone who will commit to her wholeheartedly, and will give her everything she deserves. Do you think you could do that now?"

"I want to make it work. I think it'll be hard, but I want to try. I didn't know how good it was until it was gone."

"So, fight for her. Do what you have to, to get her back."

"What if she doesn't want me anymore?"

"You'll never know unless you try. She has every right to turn you down after everything, but she may just miss your stupid head and want you back anyway. It sounded like she really loved you, so you just have to try."

"Thanks. Who would have thought that my ex-girlfriend would be the best person to come to for dating advice." I get up and give her a hug.

"I'm better than those guy friends of yours. They give the worst advice I've ever heard," she mutters into my shirt.

I wince. "Ahh. Yeah, I may have gone to them looking for advice on this."

Jade pulls back and playfully smacks me on the back of the head.

"Well, no wonder you stuffed things up. Those guys suck! Remember when they half convinced you that I was cheating on you, and that's why our relationship wasn't working?"

"Yeah, I remember."

"Next time you need advice, you come to us. Or your therapist. Understand?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Good." She gives me another squeeze and pulls away.

"Alright, you should probably go home, because now that I've told you my little secret, a huge weight has lifted off of my shoulders and I would like to ravish my girlfriend to celebrate."

I laugh, a big deep belly laugh that I haven't heard in a long time.

"Okay, yep, I'm out of here." I walk over and give Lena a hug.

"This doesn't change anything between us Lena, you're still my friend. And I'm still your boss."

She chuckles. "I'm glad. See you at work on Friday."

"See you there. Have fun, you two!" I show myself to the door and head downstairs to my car.

I sit there for a while, and I too feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. The guilt and the fear, however, is still there. Jade is right. I need to fight for Ella—I need to at least try. She's worth fighting for.