39. Xavier

CHAPTER 39

XAVIER

"Hey, Xavier. Come on in."

"Hey, Brian. Thanks for fitting me in today."

After everything that happened over the last couple of months with Ella and Jimmies, not to mention the last year with Jade, I finally decided it was time I talk to someone. Ella suggested I see a therapist and gave me Brian's number. I'm pretty sure she meant the recommendation as a dig, since "please, go to therapy" was the gist of the conversation, but it works for her, so I thought I'd give it a try.

I follow Brian into his office and take a seat on the navy blue armchair. There's not a whole lot to look at, a circle of armchairs in different shades of blue, a desk in the corner, a few houseplants, a bookshelf full of textbooks, and some others on dogs and music. On the wall above the desk is a framed quote, ‘At the end of the day… ' and I ponder over the meaning behind it.

I look at Brian, and if I were to describe him, he gives off teddy bear vibes. He's a bigger guy, with reddish brown hair, a beard, and thin, wireframe glasses. I'd put him in his early 50s. He has gentle eyes, and a calming demeanour. I know some people struggle to connect with a therapist, and I'm really hoping Brian is a good fit for me. This is my third session and so far, so I'm feeling pretty comfortable.

"It's no problem, you were lucky to get a cancellation appointment. What brought you in here today? What's been going on? "

"I've been thinking a lot about what you said last time, about how sometimes we have to be selfish to get to where we want to go in life. I definitely agree with you in the most part, and I know that if I had stayed with Jade, we both would have been miserable in the end. I just… I keep thinking about Ella. I think I made a mistake in ending things."

"Ah, I see. Go on."

"I miss her. I thought I was doing the right thing for everyone, but after a few months apart, I'm realising I should have just tried. She was so willing to try, and I refused to give us the chance."

"So, you're feeling a bit of regret?" he asks.

"Yeah. I know it sounds so shitty, but I didn't realise what I had until I lost it. The business is doing well, and I'm happy with its projection. But what's the point in having this success if at the end of the day I'm going home to an empty house? What's the point if I have no one to celebrate life with?"

"It's not shitty. It's life. Sometimes we have to lose things to learn their value."

"I guess." I toy with my bottom lip. "I just don't know what to do now."

"Do you want to try again with her?"

"Yes. But I have so much guilt. She told me she loved me, and I walked away. How am I supposed to redeem myself after that? How do I make it up to her?"

That's if she even wants to talk to me. I would completely understand if she never wanted to see or speak to me again.

"I can't answer that for you, Xavier. The only thing I can suggest is for you to talk to her. If she refuses to talk to you, that's her prerogative, and you will know where you stand. But if she is willing to talk, you need to be open and honest."

"I think I just worry that I'll end up disappointing her again, like I did with Jade."

"You can't let that fear stop you from trying. Every relationship is different. Just because one thing didn't work out, it doesn't mean the next one will end the same. "

"I feel bad though, coming back after only a few months."

"Distance makes the heart grow fonder. It also helps you see things with a different perspective. One thing I always say, hindsight is 20/20. When we look back on situations in the past, we see things more clearly that were not clear to us at the time."

"That is very profound, Brian."

He laughs."I know. Makes me sound very wise, I think."

"It does. But it also makes a lot of sense. I just have to figure out what to do next. I'll admit, I'm still scared that what I give won't be enough for her."

"It sounds to me, Xavier, that you don't value yourself very highly."

"Maybe. I think it comes from that feeling of disappointing everyone. Who would want to keep me around after I've let them down?"

"Can I ask, has anyone actually outright said that they were disappointed in you? That you've let them down?" he asks.

I pause and think. I think about when I broke up with Jade—she was upset of course, but she never said she was disappointed in me, and Ella never said anything either. And Dad never said that was the reason for not giving me the business sooner…

"No…"

"So why do you think everyone is disappointed in you?"

"Because I hurt them."

"Hurt doesn't automatically mean they're disappointed. You say you hurt Jade when you broke up, but you remain friends. Do you think she's disappointed in you?"

"I don't know."

"I think you need to have a few conversations, Xavier."

"I think you're right. I just…"

"What is it?"

"I don't know where to start with Ella."

"Start by saying sorry, and then tell her how you feel. Start by trying."

"Okay. I think I can do that."

"I look forward to getting an update in our next session. "

I look at the clock and my time is pretty much over.

"Damn." I laugh. "Time really does fly by when you're in here."

"It sure does."

"Can I ask one thing before we finish up?"

"Go for it."

"The quote in the frame, what does it mean?" I ask.

He smiles. "Every day I ask myself, at the end of the day, what really matters? What is most important to me? This is a hard job, and some days I wonder how I could possibly keep going, but then I think about the people I'm helping, and at the end of the day, that's what matters."

"That's… that's really great. Thanks, Brian."

"Anytime. You've got this, Xavier. I'll see you again in three weeks."

"Perfect. See you then."