38. Ella

CHAPTER 38

ELLA

THREE MONTHS LATER

"So, Ella, how have you been since we've last spoken?" Jane asks. It's been three months since I said goodbye to Xavier, and this is my third therapy appointment with her since it happened.

"I've been good—better," I say. "I feel as though I'm finally starting to feel like myself again."

"That's wonderful!" she exclaims. "What have you been doing to help yourself heal?"

Heal. I don't like that word, not in this context. It makes it sound like what I went through was some sort of major traumatic experience. I said that to Jane once, and she said that everyone's pain is subjective. I was hurt and upset, and my heart does need to heal. I tentatively agreed, but I still don't like it. It makes me feel like I'm broken.

"I've been journaling again, that's helped. Any time I feel like reaching out to him I write in my journal instead. I've been spending time with friends more, helping Millie with baby things. I've been reading more. I've even dabbled in writing just to see if I can."

"That's great. And how is the new job going?"

By some miracle, within a week of applying for the Library Manager job, I had a phone call telling me I was successful in gaining the position. I was ecstatic. Telling my boss I was quitting was one of the best feelings I've ever had. Naturally, she tried to claim the success of my new manager role as her own, claiming to have mentored me into being capable of such a position, and encouraging me to spread my wings and search for better opportunities. I just snorted and walked away.

"It's amazing. It's just me and one other older lady working there, and it's just so much fun. Despite having more responsibility, I feel less stressed or anxious than ever. I can't believe I put up with so much shit from that old place for so long—I don't know how I lived with that feeling every single day for six years."

"I'm so glad to hear, really. I can see for myself the change in you and it's great to see it. Have you heard from Xavier at all?" she asks.

"Not really. Just a couple of messages here and there just checking in. It's nothing more than a ‘how are you' and a ‘yeah, I'm good, and you?' sort of exchange. I'll admit though, I've been following his progress on Instagram with the pub, and he's done so much work. He's doing really, really well. I'm happy for him."

She waits. I sigh. "I miss him." I admit.

"I guessed that. And it's completely normal and valid. You're grieving a friendship and you fell in love. Once you do that, it's hard to fall out of it."

"Impossible, is more like it," I mutter. She laughs.

"If he approached you now and said he wanted to be with you and commit to you fully, what would you say?" she asks, tilting her head.

I open my mouth to answer but stop myself. My immediate response is yes, I'd take him back in a heartbeat. I force myself to sit with the question and really think about it, like Jane probably wants me to. She knows what my immediate response would be; her subtle smile tells me that.

What would I do if Xavier showed up on my doorstep and wanted me back? If he promised me commitment and love, and everything I wanted from him the first time. Could I take him back? Maybe. I know what I deserve, in life and in love and in everything in between. He would have to prove it one thousand percent that he was ready to commit to me fully.

"If he could prove to me that he was in this for real this time, then maybe. It would take a lot of work on his part to convince me, though," I tell her.

"I thought as much. You've worked hard these last few months to convince yourself of what you truly deserve. Make him work for it," she says with a wink. I love it when she says things like that—it makes me feel like I'm talking to a friend, not a trained professional.

"Oh, he will. But that's if he comes back to me at all. I'm not going to wait around and hope. In fact, I have a date lined up for later in the week. I'm not super excited for it, but I figured I might as well give it a go. It's another set up from Millie and Clay. Not a blind date this time, since I refuse to do that ever again." No fucking way .

"That's great, Ella. What's his name?"

"Logan. He seems nice, and I don't have a good reason to not meet up with him. So, we will see how I go."

"When is it?"

"Friday night. He's picking me up from Millie's house and taking me to some up-and-coming bar he's just discovered." I have four days to prepare myself. I still hate dating.

"Well, I look forward to hearing all about it at our next session."

We wrap up the appointment and on my drive home, I think about Xavier. It's a daily struggle to not reach out to him, but he ended things with me, and I really don't want to be that girl. At some of my lower points, I thought about ‘accidently' pocket dialling him, so he'd call me back. Or sending him a Snapchat that was intended for ‘someone else'. Stupid shit I used to do in my early 20s to get attention from the guys I was seeing. Then I remember I'm in my 30s and I'm not a loser, so I pull my head in and find another distraction.

Distraction . I think that's the hardest thing I've had to overcome. He insinuated that being with me was a distraction. Though he may not have intended it to come across this way, he made me feel as if all of it was my fault. Jane and Millie have done a good job of convincing me that it is not, in fact, my fault. I believe them now, and I also believe he didn't say it to hurt me. I do believe he cared for me, and he was just scared and didn't know what to do. I was the collateral damage of a man who couldn't make up his mind. That's hard to get over, but I'm getting there. Starting with this date on Friday.