37. Ella

CHAPTER 37

ELLA

"I really need you to focus, Ella. This has to get done today."

"Yep. Will do," I say through clenched teeth.

"Good. It really should have been done last week, but I guess I'm not surprised. You have been a bit slow lately," my boss says.

"You never gave me a deadline for this task. Sorry for not realising it was such a priority," I say back. I am not in the mood for this today.

"You should have asked. Try and show some initiative in the future," she replies and walks back over to her desk.

"This is above my paygrade," I mutter under my breath.

She's asking me to come up with a presentation for a Year 8 class about their new English text. It's a book I love, and so she decided I could do the presentation instead. Normally I would be excited, but now I know it was just because she couldn't be bothered and palmed it off to me, even though working with classes is not in my job description. She told me two weeks ago there was no rush on it, but now there apparently is, and it's my fault because I didn't ask for a specific date. This is really not the week to be pushing me. I am on edge, and I know it won't take much to send me over.

Four days. It has been four days since I confessed to Xavier that I loved him, and he walked out of my house. Millie came over straight after I called her and listened to me rant and cry until late into the night. I've cried myself to sleep every night since, and every day I wake up feeling miserable. Unwanted. Not enough.

I wish I was able to take some time off of work to just reset, but it isn't worth the guilt trip I will get for not being here. Plus, the work will pile up, and my boss will complain about how my absence has caused her stress, and the time I spent at home trying to improve my mental state will be wasted. I just need to get through the rest of today and I will have all weekend to do nothing but wallow in self-pity.

I spend the rest of the morning trying to finish this presentation, and finally, it's lunch time. As soon as the school bell rings, I am out of my chair and heading towards the staff room. Millie is in our usual corner, and I plonk myself down on the chair next to her, leaning my head back and taking a deep, steadying breath.

"How's your day going?" Millie asks around a mouthful of pizza.

"Fucking fantastic," I mutter.

"Is she busting your arse again? Want me to fight her?"

I chuckle.

"She is, but it's fine. I'm used to it. I just want to get through today without her lecturing me again and then I can spend my weekend sitting in misery."

"Ell, you shouldn't have to put up with her bullshit. I know you love working here, and I know that's mostly because we get to see each other every day, but I think you should really look at getting a job elsewhere. You've dealt with this long enough. You deserve better."

"I know. I just… I hate change. I hate instability. At least working here, I know what to expect, even though it's not great. Better the devil you know, right?"

"Nope. Sorry babe, I love you, but you have to start doing better for yourself. At least have a look for other jobs. Do it for me? Please? I want to see you happy and thriving, and right now, that just ain't happening. And it won't if you stay here. You know I'm right."

I sigh. I know she is. I haven't been happy here for a long time. But change is scary, and with my anxiety and self-worth at an all-time low right now, the idea of starting somewhere new terrifies me .

"I'll look, I promise. I doubt there's anything out there, though. Do you know how hard it is to find a job in libraries?"

"You never know. I just want to see you happy, Ell."

"Me, too," I tell her.

The rest of my lunch break speeds on and by the time I get back to the library, I am two minutes over my allocated 30-minute window. I look over at my boss as I sit back down at my desk, and she looks at the clock, then her watch, and shakes her head at me. I ignore her and settle into getting my presentation finished.

Half an hour later, she leaves the library with no explanation. I take the opportunity to have a look online at available library jobs. There aren't many, but there is one that looks interesting. It's a Library Manager role, overseeing a small primary school library and one staff member. I don't have to have a teaching degree, just experience in a similar role. It sounds perfect, but I'm still hesitant. I send myself the job listing and then close the tab just as my boss walks back into the library, right over to my desk.

"Ella, how is the presentation going?" she asks.

"I'm almost done, just finishing up the slides."

"Okay. Look, I've just spoken with management about how you're going. There are concerns."

"Concerns about what?"

"Your productivity and commitment to the job."

I stare at her blankly. "Care to elaborate?" I ask.

"You aren't meeting deadlines, you're late coming back from breaks, you spend a lot of time talking with people. You don't show any initiative and get your back up whenever I ask you to do something. I am just not seeing the effort on your part, and I think perhaps you need to think if this is the right job for you."

My mouth has dropped as I look at her and wonder at the absolute audacity of this woman.

"I'm sorry… are you suggesting I am not fit for this role?" I ask, angrily.

She says nothing and just looks at me, expectantly, like she wants me to agree.

Normally, the people pleaser in me would just sit back and take this ‘advice' and get on with the job. But this time, I can't. I am so sick of this woman trying to make me feel like I am not good at what I do. I am sick of her making me feel worthless, and that I am merely the help when really this place wouldn't function without me. I am done with staying quiet when people walk all over me.

"No, you know what? I do everything you ask me to. I do more than is required in my role. I know I am good at this job. If I don't get things done on your timeline, it's because you've failed to give me a deadline. You say I come back late from lunch, but you also know that I often don't get to lunch until 15 minutes have passed because I'm dealing with students. So really, I get 15 minutes to eat my lunch most days. As for the initiative, I have plenty. You just don't let me use it because I am ‘just the technician' and need to stay in my lane. Perhaps you should focus more on your management style and less on whether I am fit for this role, because if you look around, everything gets done. I do my job, I do it well. If you can't see that, then that is on you. Not me."

She just stares at me, blinking like she can't believe I am actually standing up for myself. She shakes her head and starts walking back to her desk.

"Just make sure to get the presentation to me by the end of the day."

My chest is rising rapidly as I take in deep breaths. Of course, she is completely ignoring everything I said. I know she's threatened by me. It should be flattering, but I'm over it. I deserve respect, and I know that I will never get it from her. I open up the job listing again and start updating my resumé. Millie was right, I deserve better than this. It's time for a change .