31. Xavier

CHAPTER 31

XAVIER

"I think I'm falling for you. Hard."

Ella's words from last night are playing on repeat in my head. I'm lying in bed, and she's curled up facing away from me, cuddling a pillow like she always does. I'm watching her shoulders rise and fall as she sleeps peacefully whilst I lie here contemplating my entire existence.

Last night was big. I wasn't prepared for what was said and what was confessed. I had a feeling—no, I knew that she had feelings for me. It was obvious, and she didn't say how long she'd been feeling that way, but I could guess it's been a long while. Just like I had buried my feelings and kept them from her.

Hearing her whisper those words and knowing just how scared she was to voice them broke me, and I couldn't keep her in the dark. But I also can't fill her with false hope. I feel like such a fucking arsehole because I can't give her what she wants. I know I should let her go, I don't know when I'll be ready to fully commit to someone again, but I'm being selfish. And when she offered to wait for me, I didn't tell her no. I should. I know I should. But I can't lose her. I don't know if she would be happy just being friends—I want her in my life any way I can, but I don't think she could do it. I want her to be happy, I want to be the one to make her happy, but I have too much shit to sort out first.

She starts to move around a little and I know she's waking up. Before she can turn over, I slide over to her side of the bed to spoon her. I place a hand flat on her stomach and pull her closer towards me. She's so warm from being wrapped up in the blankets, and her hair still smells slightly of chlorine from the spa last night.

She sighs contently and places her hand over mine, interlacing our fingers."Good morning," she murmurs.

I kiss her shoulder. "Good morning. Did you sleep well?"

"Surprisingly, yes. I was out like a light. I guess after last night I was pretty exhausted."

Last night, after we had sex on the grass under the stars. I call it sex, but it felt like more. I've never felt anything more real than that moment. In fact, that was probably the most romantic moment of my life. Ella looked so beautiful, illuminated only by the moon and the stars, and when she came with a soft moan of my name on her lips, I'd never heard anything sweeter.

"Yeah, I'm not surprised, you could barely walk back to the bedroom after…" I trail off, I can't say after we fucked because that is far from what it was.

"Mhmm. I probably should have had you carry me back."

"I would have if you asked me too."

"I know." She laughs softly.

"How are you feeling, after last night?" I ask.

She's quiet, probably replaying every detail of last night, every touch, every kiss, every word that was said.

"I don't really know," she confesses. "I feel relieved that everything is out in the open now. But honestly, I think I'm just scared."

"I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry, Xav." She rolls over so she can look at me. "Neither of us expected this. I mean, maybe I expected it for myself because I'm a hopeless romantic at heart, and as soon as I started to get to know you better, I knew I was screwed. But then you just had to go ahead and read my favourite books, that's when I knew I was royally fucked. "

I laugh. "I should have known it was the books that would do it. But in all seriousness, I am sorry. I'm sorry I can't give you more than what I'm able to right now."

I can't fail her like I failed Jade, and I know if I try and commit to her now, it'll likely end in heartbreak again. I don't know what the future holds. I'm busting my arse at work to please my dad; I spend more hours at that pub than I do at home. I want nothing more than to continue his legacy and make Jimmies the best pub in all of Adelaide. I won't be able to give her the time or focus that is required in a relationship. We could try, but I know she'll just end up resenting me. Better to hold off now than hurt her even more when she's grown more attached.

"It's fine. When I said I could wait I meant it, but not for long. I want to live my life. This is the closest thing I've had to a relationship in over five years. I'm willing to give it some more time, but I can't wait around forever."

"I know. I wish I could give you some sort of indication. I just have a lot of shit to figure out first."

She nods. "Let's just take it day by day."

"Do you want to slow things down in the meantime? Like less sleepovers and romance-y stuff?"

"I guess we probably should. But we made that rule right from the start and never stuck to it. Maybe just seeing each other in person a bit less frequently? And no more sleepovers. Cuddles equal feelings in my eyes," she says. I know she hates the idea because her nose scrunches up a little.

"We can cut back on seeing each other. You'll be back at work soon too, so we probably won't be talking as much or have as much free time."

"True. Okay. Less time together and less talking. The rest we'll figure it out as it comes."

We spend the next hour lazing about in bed, exploring each other. This is our last sleepover now for a while, so I'm making the most of having her in my bed for the morning. I cook us breakfast as she has a shower, and we sit outside again to eat. The rest of the day is spent talking and enjoying each other's company. She helps me with the chickens, with Meryl being a fucking traitor again and greeting her happily at the gate. We have a cheese platter for lunch, and before I know it, it's time for her to go home. She packs her bag and loads it into her car, and then we both just stand there awkwardly.

"Okay, I don't know why this feels so weird. I'm probably going to see you in a week or so," she says. I smile. It's true, I don't know why this feels weird.

"Probably. I'll check my schedule and let you know. When do you start work again?"

"I have a week left of holidays and then I'm right back into it."

"Okay, we will try and catch up before it gets too busy for you then."

"Sounds good."

She wraps her arms around me, and I rest my chin on the top of her head. We stay there for a while, before I place a kiss on the top of her head, and we finally break apart. I pull her back to me and I kiss her once, twice, three times.

"Bye," she whispers.

"Bye. Talk soon," I say back. She smiles sweetly and gets in her car. I stand at the edge of the driveway and watch her go. She gives me a little wave before she drives out of sight.

I walk back inside the house and suddenly the whole place just feels empty. She's spent less than 48 hours here and already her presence is missed. I flop down on my couch and stare at my ceiling, going over our conversations, trying figure out what the fuck I'm supposed to do next. I'm overwhelmed, and I have absolutely no clue how to navigate this.