30. Ella

CHAPTER 30

ELLA

My heart is racing. "Why are these books on your shelf? I thought you said you'd never heard of them?" I ask. I spotted them as soon as I turned around and saw his bookshelf. I'd recognise these covers anywhere; I've read the series five times.

"I hadn't." He shrugs.

"So, you… bought it?"

"Yeah. You talked about it enough that I figured I'd give it a go. I have to say though, I think I'm definitely a Cassian stan. I know Rhys is your favourite but there's just something about Cassian…"

My jaw drops to the floor.

"You've read it." I breathe. "My favourite series of all time, you've read it."

"I thought I could at least try it, and it turns out I really enjoyed it," he says as if it's no big deal.

My mouth is opening and closing like I'm a fish out of water, my eyes moving between the book in my hands and the rest of the series on his bookshelf. He's heard me talk about these books so often, he bought them and read them—he even enjoyed them. All because they're my favourite.

My eyes are lined with tears as I look up at him. And it is in this moment, I know .

Looking into his eyes, all of my defences come crumbling down. I've fallen for this man. It's not just like. I've fallen in love with him. I'd been resisting it for so long, holding back my feelings to try and protect myself from the heartbreak, but this…

"You okay?" he asks. He's looking at me contemplatively, head tilted to the side.

I realise I haven't spoken for a while and have just been standing there staring at him as my realisations come crashing down upon me. I love him. There's no doubt about it. No one has ever done anything like this. It may seem ridiculous or no big deal to some people, but I've always dreamed of the type of relationship where someone will try something simply because I love it. And that's exactly what he did. Especially when it comes to books. I've been teased and picked on my whole life for loving books, and he has never once made fun. By doing all of this, he's knocked down all the remaining walls I had built around my heart.

Fuck .

"Yeah, I'm fine I—I can't believe you read it." My voice comes out as a whisper, and I have to clear my throat to try and suppress the emotions building there.

He smiles at me softly and again shrugs his shoulders.

"I wanted to know why you loved it so much that you have five copies of it. Let alone the fact that you've read it a billion times."

I laugh. I have no words. All I know is that I definitely can't keep my feelings a secret much longer. I had planned to talk about it tonight, but this has just made me feel even more anxious. And stupidly, it has also made me hopeful. Surely, him doing something like this means he cares… means he might want more. I can only dream.

"I hope you can see why I'm so obsessed with them. These books are like home for me," I say, cradling the book to my chest.

"I totally get it. Though I don't think I need four more copies of each. One will do for me." He smirks. I shake my head and chuckle. "Do you want to go in the spa?" he asks.

"Yes," I say, and put the book back on the shelf, lovingly and creepily stroking the spine as I walk away. "Oh wait, I forgot my bathers."

He snorts. "If you'd packed bathers, I would have stripped you out of them within minutes, anyway."

A wicked grin spreads across my face. Well, if that's the case…

"Alright then."

I'm so anxious talking about my feelings and being vulnerable, and I want to feel bold and confident in any way I can. So, I look him in the eye as I strip my clothes off right there in his office.

He bites his bottom lip as he looks me up and down and doesn't stop me as I saunter past him, heading towards the back doors and outside to the spa. The water is steaming but thankfully it's not too hot, as it is still a warm night. I climb in and after a heartbeat, Xavier walks outside, now completely naked. I not so subtly check him out as thoroughly as he did me, and he climbs in and sits opposite me.

We sit there for a while in silence while just looking at each other, or the swirling water, or the garden beyond. Just enjoying the warmth and the quiet of the late summer night. My stomach is a twist of knots as I try and figure out how I'm going to tell him. Do I tell him I love him? Or just that I have feelings? What happens if he says he doesn't feel anything for me, should I end it or just pretend? I'm thinking so many things all at once that it's starting to make my head spin.

Just do it. Just suck it up and do it, then face whatever happens next. I close my eyes and take a deep steadying breath. When I open them, he's watching me. It's now or never .

I float across to him, not breaking eye contact, small waves lap at the edge of the spa as I straddle him and wrap my arms around his neck. He wraps his arms around my middle, squeezing me gently. We're staring at each other, and then he brings his lips to mine in a soft kiss. I sigh into it, savouring it. I gently end the kiss and rest my forehead against his.

"You okay?" he asks again.

Keeping my eyes closed, I whisper, "I don't know."

"Talk to me. "

I pause, I genuinely feel like I'm going to be sick. I take another slow and deep breath. "I think… I think I'm falling for you. Hard."

And there it is. My confession, my heart on the line, coming out as a soft whisper. My eyes are still closed, our foreheads still pressed together so I don't have to see his face when he turns me down. He's quiet for a moment, thinking.

"I think…" he whispers back, "I'm falling for you, too." I go still. He pulls his head back from mine to look me in the eyes again. Blood rushes through my veins and I'm suddenly feeling too warm for the spa. "But…" he adds. Ah. There it is. "I know I'm falling for you. I know I've got feelings, strong ones. Stronger than I realised if I'm being completely honest. But I just… I just don't know, Ella. I don't know what to do." He pauses, trying to find the right words. I swallow hard. "There's so much going on in my life right now, and I just think it's too soon."

I lower my eyes and I slump down a bit.

"It's been almost a year, Xav." I say.

"I know."

"And that's not long enough? Who determines how long you have to wait?"

"No one determines. I'm the one who broke Jade's heart and ruined her chance of a happy ending. I can't do that to you too. Not to mention the pressure I'm facing at work and from my dad… I'm just not ready, Ell. I care about you so much and I want you in my life. These feelings came out of nowhere. I really thought I'd be able to just keep things physical and it was all so unexpected. But I know I don't want to lose you. I'm just… lost."

And there it is: ‘I'm just not ready for a relationship'. I have heard that phrase so many times in my adult life you'd think I'd be used to it by now. Frustration takes hold, and I can feel myself getting worked up. I go to slide off of him, but he holds me in place.

"So, then what do you want?" I ask. "You don't want to lose me, but you don't want to be with me. Is that what you're telling me?"

"It's not that I don't want to be with you. The timing just isn't right."

"Timing…" I shake my head and scoff. Fuck timing . "You know what, it's fine. I'm used to this."

"Used to what?"

"This sort of situation. For years, I've been the woman who is fuckable but not dateable. So, it's fine, I'm used to it." A single tear slides down my cheek and he brushes it away with his thumb.

"Ella…"

"What?"

"That's not what this is, and you know it. You know you mean more to me than just sex."

"Just not enough," I say. He doesn't respond. My head is swimming, and I can't wrap my head around a single thought."So, where does that leave us?" I ask.

He sighs and thinks for a moment. "I don't want to lose you. But I know it's fucking selfish of me to want to keep you around when I'm not ready to give you what you want and what you deserve."

I don't respond. I just sit there looking at the water, another tear sliding down my face and falling into the water, causing the tiniest of ripples.

"Ella, look at me, please." He begs. I don't look up straight away, so he grabs my chin between his thumb and forefinger and tilts my head up so we're eye to eye. He must see the confusion and the pain in my eyes because his face drops. "I'm sorry," he whispers and pulls me into a hug, tightening his arms around me. I wrap my arms around him tighter and breathe him in.

What do I do? I know the logical answer. Walk away. Why continue spending time with a man only to fall for him further, knowing it will never go anywhere?

He kisses my bare shoulder and buries his head in the crook of my neck.

"Maybe just give me a little bit of time," he murmurs. "Let me figure a few things out. Just, give me a little time. Please." His voice breaks on that last word. "I don't want to lose you," he says again, voice cracking.

I'm an idiot. I know this, because despite every logical part of me that's screaming to walk away and move on...

I can't walk away, not yet. He has feelings for me, strong ones. The small and idiotically optimistic part of me is still thinking there is a sliver of hope that there might be the possibility of us, if I just wait a little bit longer.

"You're not going to lose me," I say, resting my cheek on his shoulder. "I can wait. I don't know how long, Xavier, but I can wait, just a bit longer. You mean too much for me to just walk away now."

I physically feel his body relax and he squeezes me even tighter. I can wait. We are too good together to throw it all away just yet. And once sorts his life out and realises he can move on and be happy and successful, then we can be together, and everything will be okay.

"I'll figure it out, I promise." He breathes.

Yeah, just like I promised I wouldn't fall for him. And we promised we wouldn't have sleepovers. And we promised we would keep this purely physical. I'm taking this promise with a grain of salt.

So, I nod. And then I kiss him. The kiss is sweet and slow, his fingers trailing up and down my back. I know this kiss is different. Something has shifted between us and now that we have revealed our feelings, this kiss feels like more. It's a declaration of sorts.

He deepens the kiss but keeps it slow and steady. My fingers are tangled in his hair, and I grip onto him, pulling him closer to me. I can feel him hardening beneath me as I slowly grind myself on his lap. I've never felt closer to him than in this moment, both vulnerable and unsure of what's to come .

We break apart from the kiss and without speaking, he stands and seats me on the edge of the spa. He gets out and I wrap my legs around his waist as he carries me over to the lawn and gently lowers me to the ground. The night is still warm, and the slight breeze is pleasantly cool on my skin as he lies on top of me and kisses me again. Deep and slow and sensual. I am surrounded by him, and I forget everything but the feel of his skin on mine, and our bodies fitting together so perfectly.