29. Xavier

CHAPTER 29

XAVIER

I made a promise to myself that I would make it up to Ella for upsetting her on her birthday. I decided it was time to invite her to my house for the weekend. I've spent plenty of nights with her at her place, after all. I've been a bit hesitant to invite her here, mainly because it's the house Jade and I bought together, and I've never invited another woman over. I was worried that Ella might not want to come to the house either, but she's never said anything, so I thought I might as well ask. Her immediate yes had my heart warming.

I've done a lot of thinking since her birthday, and the more I think, the more I feel like an even bigger arsehole for upsetting her. She tried to hide her hurt feelings that night when we were cuddled up in bed, but I could feel her tension in the way she held herself. Her breathing was ragged like she was trying to hold back tears, and she didn't melt into me like she normally does when I hold her. She felt ‘rejected and embarrassed', she'd said. It makes sense she couldn't relax around me after that.

We really should have talked about the public affection stuff before. I understand why she's feeling confused, because I'm confused, too. I know I'm falling for her. But I know I'm not ready and I know I don't want others gossiping about the two of us. I just wish there was a way for me to tell Ella how I feel without it sounding like I'm the biggest fuck boy she's ever been with who's wasting her time. I know she deserves so much better, someone who can show her off to the world.

I haven't seen her since her birthday, a whole two-and-a-bit weeks. It's the longest we've gone without seeing each other since we met. I figured she probably wanted the space. I know I did—I needed time to think and figure out the absolute shit show that's happening inside of my head. We spoke everyday though, and I called her a couple of times to check in. She had therapy last week and she told me that it was a good session and that it gave her a lot of clarity. I don't know why I felt a little uneasy about that. I know she probably talks about me, about us, at therapy, but I wonder what her therapist thinks about our arrangement. Probably that I'm an arse.

Saturday rolls around and it's my first full weekend off in months. Well, I did work Friday night, but still. I haven't had a Saturday and Sunday off in a long time. I've been putting in countless extra hours to show Dad just how much I want this gig, and I still can't get a gauge on whether I'm doing enough. He's giving me nothing, and I feel like I'm bending over backwards with no results.

Out of frustration, I spent my morning tidying the house. The house wasn't terrible, as I'm not a messy guy—far from it. But I am a single man who works in hospitality and sometimes I can get a bit behind on the chores, so I cleaned the things I would normally put off. I've also been to the shops and bought groceries for dinner and a bottle of wine. The spa is set to the perfect summer temperature. Everything is ready to go. I'm surprised to find myself feeling a bit nervous for Ella's arrival.

I'm sitting at my outdoor dining table, browsing on my phone when I hear the crunch of tyres on gravel as Ella pulls into my driveway. I walk towards where she's parked and she hops out of the car, smiling as she sees me coming. I almost trip on a large rock because I'm not paying attention to where I'm walking, my eyes are solely focused on her, and how beautiful she looks. She hasn't dressed up, hasn't done anything special. She's wearing a plain white t-shirt and light blue cut-off denim shorts with Birks. Her strawberry blonde hair is down and wavy, framing her gorgeous face that she has left free of makeup for the weekend. She's stunning. I feel pulled to her like the earth is pulled to the sun and it hits me right in that moment exactly how much I feel for this girl, and how much I hate myself for not being able to give her what she deserves.

"Hi, you." She's beaming as I reach her.

"Hi, back," I say and pull her into a tight hug.

"I missed you." Her voice is muffled by my t-shirt because I'm squeezing her so tight she can't pull away. I kiss the top of her head.

"So dramatic, it's only been two weeks!" I say. She grumbles and gives me a light smack. I laugh. "I'm joking!"

I let go and she steps back enough to look up at me with a pout. I give her my best smirk, the one that shows my dimple that I know makes her weak at the knees, and the pout is replaced by a blushing smile. I kiss her then, bringing my hand up to cup the back of her neck. God, I've missed her soft lips on mine. She balls her fists in my shirt and sweeps her tongue into my mouth. A small moan slips out of me, and I deepen the kiss a little before gently pulling away.

"Yeah, I've missed you too," I say and kiss the tip of her nose. She bites her lip playfully. "But save that for later, you'll need it." I wink and she giggles. "Do you want me to show you around?"

Once again, her face lights up.

"Um, yes please! I've been dying to see your place." She turns from me and goes to get her bag from the boot of her car. She grabs another item and I quirk a brow.

"Ell, you do know I'm not a 20-year-old man child? I do have a full set of pillows on my bed. You didn't need to bring your own," I say.

"Well, I couldn't be sure. You are a bachelor, after all. Better to be safe than sorry." She smirks at me as I roll my eyes. "Kidding! I sleep better with my own pillow. It's been a while since I've slept in a bed that isn't my own."

"Fair enough," I say in response. I grab her bag from her and lead the way into the house. We walk in through the back yard and enter the house through the open French doors that lead into the open plan living space. The house is old and not overly big, but I've touched it up over the years and it has modern features throughout to make the space functional and comfortable. I show her the spare bedroom and bathroom and take her to my bedroom for her to put her stuff down. I show her the ensuite, and she was so excited to see my clawfoot bathtub that she actually squealed.

"I can so vividly picture you in here with bubbles and candles. You're like that episode of Friends where Chandler and Monica are in the bath and Joey barges in…"

"I'm familiar with the episode," I say. She's biting her bottom lip to keep herself from smiling too hard. "Except it's normally a beer in place of champagne." She tips her head back and laughs.

"Oh, it's too cute, that image will now live rent free in my brain forever."

"Okay, moving on," I say, poking her ribs to get her moving out of the bathroom and back into the living space. I'm about to lead her back outside to show her the garden when she points to the closed door across from my spare bedroom and asks what's inside.

"That's my office, I'll show you that room after dinner," I say casually.

"Ooh… have you got some Fifty-Shades-style red room thing going on in there?" she teases.

"Does your head always live in the smut gutter?"

"Yes," she replies, unashamedly.

"No, I don't have a sex room hidden in there." I laugh. She grins at me wickedly, and something delicious stirs inside of me with that look. "It's just my office, very basic, but I do want to wait until after dinner to show you. You'll find out why."

"Very cryptic, Xav, but I'm a patient girl. I'll wait."

"Good, now, the garden."

I take her hand and lead her back through the French doors, pointing out the BBQ area and the spa, leading her to what I think is my favourite part of my property, my lawn.

"Xavier James." My full name on her lips has me weak at the knees. "You never told me you were a lawn guy."

"Didn't I? Hmm. Well, I am. I love my lawn. She's my pride and joy."

"Cute," she says. I frown.

"It's not cute. It's manly."

She laughs. "Oh yes, of course. Very manly." She looks at me. "Oh my God, are you pouting now?"

I school my features into neutrality. "No."

"I'm just teasing. It's a great lawn, babe. Sexy, even."

"You're still making fun of me."

"I promise I'm not! It's one of the best lawns I've ever seen."

"Mmm." I don't give her a moment for another response before I sweep her up off her feet and throw her over my shoulder. She shrieks and starts swatting at me to put her down. I step onto the lawn and gently lay her down on it. She's flustered and laughing, and I lean down and kiss her. Wrapping her arms around my neck, I can feel her smile into the kiss. I pull back, simply wanting to admire her in this moment. She looks so happy.

"What?" she asks.

"Nothing. Just… you're really great. You know that?"

She dramatically flips her hair. "Oh, I know."

"Smart arse." I tickle her again, this time until she's screaming and begging me to stop. Eventually I do, getting up and offering her my hand to help pull her up. Once she's standing and has brushed the grass off her clothes, I take her hand again and show her the rest of the yard. We get to the back corner where the chicken coop is.

"Chickens!" she shouts.

"Yes, chickens." I laugh. "Want to help me feed them?"

"Yes, please."

I open the gate and gesture for her to go inside.

"The white one there is Nuggs, she's my best layer. The black one there is Hen Solo, she's the most placid and will eat right from the palm of my hand. And the brown one…" I point to Meryl, who is eyeing us suspiciously. "That is Meryl Cheep. She's the most judgemental and temperamental. If she doesn't like you, don't feel sad, she doesn't like anyone."

"Okay. Firstly, best chicken names ever," she says.

"Thank you." I am quite proud of their names.

"Second. Why is Meryl looking at me like that, and should I be worried?"

I look back at Meryl who has her head cocked while she stares at Ella. I haven't seen her assess anyone so intensely before.

"Um. Good question."

Meryl straightens her head and slowly makes her way over to us. I brace myself to have to step in if she starts attacking, but she instead stops at Ella's feet and clucks.

"What the…" I breathe.

Meryl lightly pecks Ella's shoes and continues to happily cluck and circle her feet. There's no screeching, no vicious pecking, no evil to be seen.

"I am in shock," I say to Ella as she reaches down to pat Meryl, and she ACTUALLY LETS HER. "Never has she ever let me pat her. What the fuck?"

Ella laughs. "I guess she can also sense just how great I am."

I bend down to pat Meryl, and she squawks, snaps her beak at me, and runs away dramatically.

"See that right there, that's her normal reaction." I grab the chicken feed and start scattering it around. Ella holds some in her hand for Hen Solo to eat. She then holds her hand out for Meryl, and I almost fall over because she also eats out of Ella's hand.

"The fuck, Meryl?" I moan.

Despite my shock, I have the biggest grin on my face. My heart warms at the sight. That chicken hates everyone. Even me most of the time. And yet Ella… she loves Ella. It's like in the movies when the main character introduces his new girlfriend to his dog and says, "oh he doesn't like new people," and then the dog sits in her lap and loves her, and then that guy is in awe of the woman and thinks damn she must be pretty amazing.

It's me. I'm that guy right now. But with a chicken.

Ella notices me staring at her and smiles so wide it crinkles the corners of her eyes. I smile back.

We finish feeding the chickens and head back out to the veranda. I tell Ella to take a seat at the outdoor dining table as I get a bottle of wine out of the fridge. I pour us a glass each and sit next to her, toasting "to a beautiful weekend off work, with even more beautiful company."

She rolls her eyes. " So, how's it all going with your dad? Any progress yet on the job?"

"Not yet. I honestly don't know what more I could possibly do to make him see me."

"Maybe it's not about whether he thinks you're ready, but more about whether he wants to give it up?" she suggests.

"It could definitely be that, but he puts pressure on me all the time to be at my best and putting the pub first, telling me to think of new ideas but then barely implementing them when I present them. The thing is, he's not mean or nasty about it, I never feel like I'm letting him down, only that I could do a little bit more. I love my dad, and we have a great relationship. It's just exhausting, trying to live up to expectations when I don't have a clear idea on what they actually are."

"Yeah, that's rough. I can't say I've experienced that myself, but I can empathise," she says.

"Thanks. It's all I've ever wanted to do, and I'm so close. I just have to keep my focus and work a little harder, and hopefully soon he will see my efforts."

"Hopefully."

We sit outside for a couple of hours, finishing off the bottle of wine and enjoying the warm summer breeze. Once it gets to around dinner time, I tell her to sit back and relax as I cook dinner. She comes in and sits at my kitchen island bench, chatting to me about books as I cook. I plate up and head back outside, eating in comfortable silence.

Once our bowls are empty and our stomachs are full, I take the dishes and dump them in the sink and walk back outside and stand behind her.

"So, are you ready to see inside my office?" I ask her, bracing my hands on top of the chair she's sitting in.

"Dumb question. Yes. I need to know why you're being so cryptic!"

She gets up and I walk her to the door leading to my office. I stand there with my hand on the doorknob, acting like I'm bracing myself, which makes her jittery with anticipation.

"Oh my God, just open the door!" she demands. So, I do. She stands in the doorway, and I turn on the lights.

My office is pretty simple. There's a big window overlooking the backyard and in front of it is my desk. It's an old vintage desk, one that belonged to my grandad that I refurbished. The walls are painted a dark forest green, and I have plants scattered around the room. Ella takes a few steps inside the room, taking in the space in front of her and appreciating the greenery.

"It's gorgeous, Xav. I love the colour and the room feels so calm and cosy. It's very you. But why did you wait to show me?" she asks.

"Turn around."

She does, and her eyes light up as soon as she sees what was hidden behind the open door.

"Yay, books!" she exclaims. "Wait what is…"

She takes two steps to the bookshelf and pulls a book off the shelf. The one book that I knew she would notice straight away.