28. Ella

CHAPTER 28

ELLA

My appointment with my therapist is a week after my birthday. Thank God .

I knew that I had to speak to someone after saying goodbye to Xavier the morning after my birthday party. Someone who wasn't Millie, to be exact. A best friend is great to lean on but sometimes you just need an outsider's perspective, and a professional's opinion. It has been a while since my last appointment, since I tend to not need them as often when I'm on holidays. But this situation and all of these feelings? I need an outlet.

I'm sitting in the waiting room reading over the journal entry I wrote last night. I'll admit, I wasn't in the best head space when I wrote what I did, but Jane told me to reflect on what I've written when I'm feeling a bit clearer headed. I'm not exactly feeling super clear headed today, but I'm feeling better than I did last night, and I want to be able to explain to Jane how I'm feeling with full comprehension. I'm not sure how well I'll be able to do it, if I'm honest, because most of what I scribbled down are variations of WHY WON'T HE LOVE ME and I'M GOING TO BE ALONE FOREVER. I was clearly feeling a little melodramatic among last night's tears. Good to know I'm self-aware, at least.

The door opens and Jane welcomes me into her office with a smile. I take a seat, and when she asks me how I've been since we last spoke, I launch into it. It has been well over a month, and a lot has happened. She sits there and notes it all down, sliding me the box of tissues when I inevitably start to tear up because of how overwhelmingly confused I am feeling. The thing I love about Jane is that she will let me vent and say what I need to, and only then will she ask questions. She never interrupts unless she needs me to clarify something. I finish my story by explaining to her that I feel like a lovesick teenager in a 31-year old's body, and that really, deep down, I'm scared, anxious, and don't know what to do.

"Well, things definitely have progressed since we last spoke." She smiles. "And by the sounds of what you've told me, you and Xavier have quite a strong friendship. Have you told him how you feel?"

"No." I groan. "I can't. If he knows how much I like him, he will want to stop what we're doing, and I don't want to stop." She merely nods slowly and writes again on her notepad. After another beat of her saying nothing, I blurt out, "It's pathetic, right? I know I need to tell him. But if I do, I'll lose what we have. And some part of me I think believes that if I keep my feelings a secret, eventually he will feel the same way. And if he confesses his feelings first, I'll be able to reciprocate, and I won't have to worry about being rejected."

"How long do you really think you'll be able to keep your feelings hidden?" she asks. I think about my birthday, and how he asked if I wanted to slow down or stop.

"Realistically, not long," I mumble. "I think he already suspects I'm keeping my feelings from him. I'm really good at pretending though." Jane doesn't buy it.

"Ella, can I ask, if one of your girlfriends came to you and said she had been seeing this guy who didn't have feelings for her, but was waiting to see if he would change his mind, what would you say to her?"

I know exactly what I would say to her. That she was being delusional and that he wasn't worth her wasting her time. And I know that if I told Millie how I really felt about Xavier, she would tell me the exact same thing. That if he wanted to be with me, he would be. But he isn't. He's still holding me at arm's length.

"I just…" I swallow the lump forming in my throat. "The idea of being rejected again, I can't. I'm so sick of putting myself out there and getting nothing back. Th is is the closest I've come in five years to something more than an emotionless hook-up. I don't want to lose it. I don't want to lose him." The tears slowly trickle down my cheek, and I press a tissue to my face to catch them as they fall.

"I understand, Ella." Jane's voice is gentle, with no hint of condescension. "I know you've been hurt in the past. I know how much you want to love and be loved." I nod and more tears fall. "I really think that you need to tell him how you are feeling. The more you keep it in, the harder you will fall and the harder it is going to be. You're telling me he has continued to make it clear that he just wants to be friends. I'm not saying that he won't ever change his mind, but I am saying that you deserve someone who knows for sure that you are it. How long do you think you can wait?"

I take a moment to think. How long can I wait? I have been waiting, not necessarily just for Xavier, but for someone. I've never really been in love, not seriously, anyway. I have so much love to give, so how long do I want to waste on someone who won't allow me to express that love? I want someone who shows me off to the world, someone who loves me unashamedly. Jane is right, I need to face this.

"I don't want to wait. I don't want to be hurt again, but I don't want to wait around in the hopes that he will eventually love me back. Not that I'm currently in love with him," I correct myself. I don't love him. It's way too soon for that. It's just like. A lot of like. Deep like. Not love.

Jane smiles. "You can have love for someone without being in love with them. You have love for Xavier. He is your friend, your comfort, and someone you care deeply about. Love has many variables; this is just one of them."

Of course, I might have some love for Xavier. And I know in my heart and soul that I will fall in love with him if I keep doing this. I need to tell him. I blow out a breath.

"You're right. I have to talk to him. I can't avoid it, and it will be worse if I wait longer. I just, I don't know how to cope with the rejection. I don't know how to come back again from feeling wanted to feeling discarded. "

"I think no matter what, there will be feelings of rejection. What will matter though, is your mindset going into it. You know he likes you and enjoys your company. You know that the reason he doesn't want a relationship has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with where he is in his life. You just have to remind yourself that it isn't you. It's not your fault. It's just not the right time. In saying all of this, he could also reciprocate the feelings. You won't know until you talk to him."

Everything she says makes so much sense. It sounds so simple. I feel almost silly for getting so worked up over something so trivial.

"Thanks, Jane. I feel a bit ridiculous for getting anxious over stuff like this, but you've…" I pause to think of the right word. "You've calmed my chaotic mind. I have an idea of what to do now."

"It's my pleasure. There's no need to feel ridiculous, anxiety is a fickle thing. But at least we know some of your triggers, we just have to find out how to navigate our way through when we can't avoid those triggers."

I simply nod.

She's right. Fear of rejection, fear of letting people down, fear of being alone forever… at least I know. And I have her to help me through it.

"Well, that's our time up for today. Let's book you in for the usual time next month, but if you feel like you need to bring the appointment forward, just give me a call and I'll try and fit you in."

"Sounds good, thanks again," I say.

"You've got this, Ella." She gives me a bright smile. I'll do my best to believe her.

I check my phone as I'm walking out to my car and find a message from Xavier.

XAVIER

I've got next weekend off work. Do you want to come over to my place and stay Saturday night? I have a spa. And chickens. And I'll cook you pasta for dinner? Let me know ??

I let out a small laugh and allow myself a glimmer of excitement. He's never invited me to his house before, so of course I want to go. Maybe telling him how I feel in his own home and comfort zone is the best place to do it. I start to formulate a plan in my head and type out my response.

Ella

I'd love to. You sold me with pasta x