27. Ella

CHAPTER 27

ELLA

I really did have a good birthday. It was so good to see some of my friends that I haven't seen in a long time. And it did make me feel good to have the bartender hitting on me a little bit. If he was older, maybe I would have given him my number, though it'd most likely be out of petty spite to annoy Xavier. Any time I so much as touched the man tonight, he acted as if I was dry humping him in public, rather than resting my hand on his knee under the goddamn table.

I'm starting to really feel confused as to what we are. We're friends. And we have sex. But there's more, too. The kisses and hugs, the small gestures, the sleepovers when we agreed on no sleepovers. Even holding my hand on the way home tonight, despite ignoring every single touch when we were out. When we're together in private, I don't feel like just his friend. The lines are blurring just too much, and my poor little heart doesn't know that the man she's falling for doesn't want anything more.

When we get home, he makes me drink a big glass of water before having a shower. I take my time and when I finally get out, I'm feeling fresh and ready to snuggle down into bed. I walk into my bedroom and there he is, wearing nothing but his boxer briefs. My heart flutters at the casual way he's just lying there. I realise this is the first time he's sleeping over without us having sex. It feels different and I feel almost guilty, which is ridiculous.

"Feeling good?" he asks as he pulls the covers back for me to slide in. I climb into bed, and he pulls me into him and starts giving me back tickles.

"Yeah, I'm feeling great. I didn't drink very much, so I'm all good."

"Glad to hear it."

We lie there in comfortable silence for a while as he continues tickling my back. I could so very easily fall asleep in his arms if he keeps going.

"I'm sorry if I upset you tonight."

That catches me off guard. I look up at him.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"When I didn't, like, show any affection back to you tonight. While we were out. I'm sorry if that upset you."

Oh. I wasn't expecting him to acknowledge it or talk about it. But he's right, I felt awful when he completely ignored any sort of physical interaction while we were out. "It's fine."

"It's not," he says back. "I could tell I upset you, and I apologise." He places a kiss on the tip of my nose.

"Okay, I did feel a bit… rejected, and embarrassed. Though I thought I hid it well. How could you tell?" I ask out of curiosity.

"Your body language. I can see the signs when you're anxious. I hate knowing I made you feel that way, especially on your birthday." He's holding my hand now, stroking the back of my hand with his thumb.

"It's fine. I'm a big girl and I'll get over it." After a good cry tomorrow when you're gone. "I shouldn't have done the whole PDA thing, that was an overstep on my part."

"No, it's not an overstep. I guess we've never really talked about those kinds of boundaries before. I know we're quite affectionate when we're alone, we've just not really been in public together, socially."

"And… you don't want any sort of affection in public? Or sorry, I should say you're not comfortable with public affection?" I ask.

"Sort of. I don't mind public displays of affection generally. It's just…"

"We're just friends," I say for him. He looks at me with a small smile.

"Yeah," he says. "I know Millie and Clay know a bit about us and our arrangement, but I kind of want to keep it private from everyone else, if that's okay. People always ask too many questions when two people who aren't together act like they're together, and I don't want to have to explain myself to anyone."

Right. He wants to keep whatever this thing is between us a secret and keep up the fa?ade that we're just friends.. My poor lonely heart is starting to race, and I can feel myself wanting to put up the walls that he so easily knocked down. I don't really know how to feel. Should I keep doing this? Or should I step back? I don't want to lose him. I know if he knew I had feelings, he'd probably want to stop this, and I don't know if I can go back to being just platonic friends after knowing how good our physical connection is.

"That's fine," I say, though I'm pretty quiet. "We should have spoken about it first. Now I know, so you won't have to worry." I'm feeling very, very small.

"Thanks. I know it probably isn't what you want to hear." It's not . "But it's all I can give you right now. I'm still just not ready for anything more."

And yet, you act like we're together , I want to say. I wish he understood how fucking confusing this is.

"I know. It's fine, really. I know what the boundaries are now."

He's quiet for a little bit.

"We can slow down a bit, if you think this is becoming too much."

Do I want that? The logical part of my brain is telling me very fucking clearly yes, you should stop this, Ella. I know exactly where this path is leading. It's a one-way ticket to heartbreak. But the romantic hopeful in me says to stay. Maybe in time, he will change his mind. He might be ready in a month or two, and then everything will be fine.

"No. I don't want to slow down. I'm good, really. I told you I'd let you know if it got too much, or I started getting attached. We're okay, I promise."

"Okay." I don't know how much he believes me. "As long as you're sure. I care too much about you, so I don't want you getting hurt."

I really hate how he talks as if I'm the one who is going to end up getting hurt, like he's a complete robot and this situation won't affect him at all.

"I'm sure. I promise, I'll tell you. "

"Thank you."

I reach up and give him a quick kiss.

"Can you reach over and turn off the lamp? I'm falling asleep." I ask. He reaches over and flips the switch, plunging us into darkness. He pulls me in his arms and holds me tight.

In the safety of the darkness, I can feel his body start to relax against mine.

"You know…" he whispers. "I'm really glad I met you."

"I'm glad I met you too." I whisper back. I can feel my eyes start to sting and I force myself to breathe slowly so I don't start crying. Why does it have to be like this?

"Goodnight, Xavier."

He squeezes me tighter.

"Goodnight, Ella. Happy birthday."