26. Xavier

CHAPTER 26

XAVIER

We arrive at the rooftop bar just after Millie and Clay, walking over to the group of tables they've reserved. There are the typical squeals of delight from the women as they gush over each other's outfits and wish each other a happy birthday. It's quite adorable to watch, actually. They're too busy fussing over each other that introductions are skipped, so I reach my hand out to introduce myself to Clay.

"I'm guessing this is a regular interaction between the two of them?" I ask, pointing to Ella and Millie.

He laughs. "Yeah, pretty much. They see each other every day at work, yet they still scream and hug whenever they hang out. You get used to it." He smiles at his wife lovingly.

"Yeah." I laugh. It is quite endearing to watch. Female friendships are something else entirely, almost sacred.

"Hey, birthday girls!" I call out. Both women stop their chattering to look over at me. "What do you want to drink? My shout." They both ask for a gin and tonic and grab a seat at one of the tables.

I walk over to the bar and place my order, getting a beer for myself and Clay. This is the first time I've been on the other side of the bar for a while, socially at least. It's nice. Once I take over from Dad, I'll be able to set myself up with a regular schedule. No more shift work and night duties, and I'll probably be able to have a proper social life again. Once he eventually retires, of course.

I pay for the drinks and walk back to the group, taking the seat next to Ella. There's not a lot of space, and our legs are very much pressed up against one another. As she's talking, Ella reaches under the table and casually places her hand on my leg. Such a simple movement, not sexual in any way, and yet it surprises me. So much so, I don't react or acknowledge that she's done it. After a while, she squeezes my leg gently, as if to remind me her hand is on my thigh, and I still don't react or reach for her hand. What Ella and I do in private is definitely more than what a normal friendship would entail, but it's exactly that, private. We've never even hugged each other in a public space in front of other people. I don't know how I feel or what to do about this incredibly casual but familiar gesture. It's very… couple-y. And the most confusing part is that I don't hate it. In fact, it feels nice.

A few more minutes pass without my acknowledging her hand and, eventually, she pulls it back. I can see out of the corner of my eye that her shoulders slump slightly. Is she disappointed I didn't hold her hand? There's a knot of uncertainty forming in my gut. She knows what this is, but holding hands is such a couple's thing to do, and we're not a couple. Still, I liked it, and I don't know what to make of that.

Thankfully, a small group of people show up for a drink and so, for a while, I'm thrown out of my thought spiral and am distracted by new faces and introductions. We all chat for a bit, mostly roasting the birthday girls and making fun of them. Nothing like some gentle bullying for your birthday. Someone buys us all a round of shots, and two for the girls. It's all good fun.

Ella finishes her drink and I ask if she wants another. She says yes, so I get up from the table to get another round. I place the order, and then feel a hand on the small of my back as Ella appears at my side. She looks up at me and smiles.

"Having fun?" she asks.

"Yeah, definitely," I say. Her hand is still on my back and she's leaning into me slightly. Her gesture is so comfortable that to anyone else, it would look like we are together. I quickly look around the bar, no one is paying us any attention.

"Are you having fun? It is your birthday." I ask.

"Yeah, it's good. I'm glad a few others have shown up. They probably won't stick around for long though, so I don't imagine tonight will be overly big. Plus, Millie has already started giving Clay ‘fuck me' eyes, so I give them another two hours maximum before they're heading home." She looks over at her friend with a smile. I follow her line of sight and yep, Millie is definitely giving Clay ‘fuck me' eyes, and he is definitely reciprocating.

"Damn," I whisper. "I almost feel like I'm intruding on a private moment between them."

Ella snorts. "Oh, I know. I've never met a married couple with more sexual chemistry than those two. It's insane. It's even more awkward when it's just the three of us. I end those nights quickly." She shudders. Seems like this is a regular occurrence.

"So, you hang out with them together as a couple fairly often then?"

"Yeah, a bit. They joke that I am their adopted child. It will be interesting to see if things change once they actually start a family," she says with a slight nervous tilt to her voice.

"I'm sure it'll be fine. You'll just slip into the Auntie Ella role instead, the friendship won't change." I reassure her, and she just nods. "Have they been trying for long?" I know when we first started hanging out, Ella said that Millie and Clay had started trying for a baby, but I hadn't asked how long they'd been trying.

"A year. Millie has endometriosis, so the doctors said it could take a bit longer for them to fall pregnant. She told me they will try for a year before looking into fertility and IVF stuff, so they're starting that process soon."

"Ah, okay. Well… by the looks they are giving each other, it seems they have the… uh… act of procreating perfected. It's in the hands of biology now."

"Mmm… and God's." She closes her eyes and nods.

I quirk a brow at her. She opens her eyes and laughs at the expression on my face .

"Kidding. Obviously." Our drinks are placed on the bar, and I pick up my beer.

"You know you almost had me, for like, half a second," I say as I have a drink. She leans in and whispers in my ear.

"The only time I pray to God is when I'm screaming his name as you're buried inside of me."

I choke a little on my drink as it goes down the wrong hole. She takes a step back from me, biting her bottom lip playfully as I try to recover myself.

"Well, that was unexpected." I laugh.

"You're welcome!" She giggles. "Thanks for the drink, babe." She blows me a kiss as she walks away. I follow her back to the table, a stupid grin on my face and shaking my head. As I sit down, Ella looks at me and smiles. I smile back at her.

Our fingers are slightly brushing under the table. She leans into me, and as she does, she quickly glances down to my mouth. She wants a kiss. I want to. I really, really want to kiss her. But I can't. Not here . Not in front of people where questions will be asked, and assumptions will be made. I dip my head slightly and with a small smile, I shake my head, just a little, to indicate that we can't kiss here. The light in her eyes dims and she withdraws from me slightly. She nods, seeming disappointed yet understanding. Her fingers drift away from mine, though lingering slightly, before she pulls away completely. She closes her eyes and takes a quick deep breath before opening them again and joining the conversation with her friends.

I watch her for a little while. The way she is so animated when she speaks, using her whole body when she tells a story. The slight wheeze she does when she starts laughing. The way she shows every emotion on her face and can't hide what she's thinking at all. But I can also see now the slight tension in her shoulders, the excessive fiddling with whatever item she has in front of her, the shifting in her seat. She's overthinking, and I know I'm the reason why.

I hate that I make her feel like this. I wish it was different. Because the more I try to deny it, the more I'm lying to myself. I'm falling for this girl, and I know that if given the chance, whatever this thing is between us could be really wonderful. But I just can't right now. I've thought about it over and over and it just doesn't sit right. I'm still overwhelmed by the pressure I'm facing from Dad to step up and prove myself, and the fact I am only just getting over my last relationship. I want to be respectful to Jade, and jumping into something new, no matter how great it feels, just feels like I'm hurting her all over again and shitting on the last five years we had together.

The smile slowly falls from my face as I sit there in my own thoughts, watching Ella interacting with her friends. I can feel someone's eyes on me, and I look over and see Millie watching me. She looks between the two of us and eyes me suspiciously. I give her a smile and a single nod, hoping to reassure her. She glares at me, using two fingers to point to her own eyes before turning them on me. She's silently saying, "I'm watching you." I give her a wink and she scoffs playfully, rolling her eyes before turning back to whatever conversation is happening around her.

Ella does her best for the rest of the night to ensure our legs don't brush against each other and our hands don't touch. I hate feeling like she has to avoid me, but I also appreciate her respecting my wish to keep what we are doing private for now. But it's her fucking birthday, so I'm obviously being a dick. I'll have to make up for it somehow.

The night continues on and just under two hours later, yep, she called it, Millie and Clay announce they're heading home. I'm genuinely surprised they lasted this long, between the looks they've shared and the PDA, I didn't think they would still be here. It seems that everyone else is ready to call it a night too, including Ella, so we all say our goodbyes. The girls hug each other like it's the last time they'll see each other for a year, when really, I know Ella is going over to Millie's for dinner in two days. It's beautiful.

I order an Uber and we stand together on the street. A few of the others are doing the same.

"You don't think they'll gossip about the fact that we're getting in an Uber together tonight?" I ask jokingly. She laughs but it doesn't quite reach her eyes.

"Probably. But I don't really care. They can think whatever they want about it. "

"Oh yeah, I don't care either." I pause. I do a little, but I try not to think about it too much. "Did you have a good birthday?" I ask. I really hope I haven't ruined it.

I already feel bad for rejecting her affection.

"I did! I'm glad everyone else stayed quite a while, I haven't seen some of them in months, so it was great to catch up. Plus, I got a free drink from the bartender, so that's a win." She smiles.

"Oh? You didn't mention that earlier," I say. When did that happen?

"You were in the bathroom I think, I must have forgotten. I went up to get another drink and he asked what we were celebrating. I told him it was my birthday, and he gave me a drink on the house. He was really sweet, actually." The one time I didn't buy her drink for her and the bartender hits on her.

"I'm sure he was," I mutter under my breath.

"What was that?" Ella asks.

"I said that's really nice of him," I say. I remember seeing some young blond guy serving us, but I didn't get a good look at him. He must have been getting a good look at Ella though, by the sounds of it.

"Right. Yeah anyway, we talked for a little bit and then I came back to the table. Millie told me to give him my number." She's fidgeting with the strap on her bag as she says this. Is she serious? Or is she baiting me? Because it's fucking working. The idea of her giving some other guy her number sparks something possessive within me. I don't like it. What the hell, Millie?

"And did you?" Please say no.

"No. He was nice, but he was only 25. Too young," she says. I'm relieved, but I know I'm being ridiculous. She's still looking for a relationship, so I should be encouraging her to put herself out there more.

"Yeah, fair enough. You know you can, though. Put yourself out there and talk to other people." The idea of it makes me feel sick to my stomach, and I have no right to feel this way.

"Yeah, I know." She smiles sadly. "I talk to people here and there, but I'm just not the kind of person who puts herself out there for the sake of it. It gets pretty tiring after a while, you know? Unless of course I really want something." I nod, thinking of all the ways she's put herself out there for me. The photos, the lingerie, my office… damn, my office…

"Are you?" she asks, pulling me out of memory lane.

"Am I what?"

"Putting yourself out there, meeting people?" she elaborates nervously, not quite looking me in the eye.

"Not really. One of my best mates told me to download a few apps. I've had a look on there, have matched with a few people, and had conversations, but it just didn't feel right, so I haven't really been on them."

"Oh, okay. Well, the apps suck anyway. So good luck, you know, if you want them to work."

"Oh?"

"Five years of failure over here." She points to herself.

"Not a failure, you just haven't met anyone worthy of you yet." I tell her.

She smiles. A proper smile this time, thankfully.

"Yeah, you're right. I like that approach much better." The Uber pulls up and I open the door for her to slide in first. With a final wave to her friends, who are indeed watching us get in together, we head off back to her house. I hold her hand the whole ride home.