32. Ella

CHAPTER 32

ELLA

It's been two weeks since my weekend at Xavier's house, and two weeks since we've seen each other. We're still talking every day, though a little less than before. It turned out he was too busy to see me last weekend, so we've scheduled a visit this Sunday afternoon. He only has a couple of hours, but I'll take what I can get.

I've been back at work for a week, and it has been a welcome distraction from the chaos that is my brain right now. Thankfully my boss didn't start this week, so I didn't have to worry about her watching me and criticising me. I've got too much on my plate as it is without her stirring up my anxiety.

I'm sitting on Millie's couch, Milo in hand. It's Friday night after the first week back and she's been whining all night about how she's already tired and the school year hasn't even properly started yet. I'm yet to tell her about everything that happened at Xavier's; part of me is nervous as to what she will say. I know she's going to think I'm an idiot for sticking around but I hope she can just be supportive.

"So," she starts. "Are you seeing Xavier this weekend?"

"Yeah, he's got a couple hours spare on Sunday afternoon so he's gonna come over before the dinner shift."

She doesn't say anything, just nods slowly.

"What?" I ask.

"Something's happened. I can tell. "

"How can you tell?"

"Bestie intuition. You've been off all week!" she explains.

I huff out a laugh and then bite the bullet, telling her everything that happened two weeks ago. The realisation that I am in love with him after he read my favourite books, the spa, and the confession of feelings from both of us; how he still isn't ready, but I said I could wait; sex under the stars… all of it.

She doesn't say much throughout, and she's still quiet when I finish talking. I can't read her face and have no idea what she's thinking. She blows out a breath and looks at me.

"Firstly, are you okay?" she asks.

I start to cry.

"I thought as much," she says, and she pulls me in for a hug. I hug her back and let the tears fall freely. I hadn't realised how much I needed someone to ask me that question, and I really don't have an answer. After a while she pulls back and takes one of my hands in hers.

"I don't know how to feel," I say. "It's all so complicated."

"I know, babe. Do you want advice right now or just a sounding board?"

"Advice, please. I have no fucking idea what I'm doing."

She laughs. "Okay. My first question, do you see yourself with him long term? Marriage, babies, the whole thing. Can you see it?"

"Yes." My answer comes quickly. "I know we haven't known each other that long, but it's so easy with him, Mills. I don't have to pretend to be anyone but myself. He makes me feel safe, and secure, not just with him but within myself. If that makes any sense at all."

"It does. I've seen the two of you together and you look happy. I haven't seen you like that before. It was so obvious you two had feelings for each other, even if neither of you wanted to admit it. But waiting for a man, Ell?"

I groan. "I know, I know."

"I get that you don't want to lose him. But you should never have to wait for a man to want you. Why do you have to wait around and waste time while he figures himself out? He's a grown arse man! What if even after all of this he decides he doesn't want you? How long are you willing to wait?" she asks.

"Trust me, everything you've said I have told myself a thousand times. I know I'm worthy of more and I deserve better. But I just can't let him go, not yet. It might be stupid, but I just feel like it's worth waiting for."

"I know you want advice, but really, you know I will support you no matter what you decide to do. I can tell you to leave or stay, but it doesn't matter because it's up to you. If you want to wait, I'll be there for you. If you want to walk away, I'll be there and do what I can to help you move on. It's your decision."

"Thank you." Tears well in my eyes again.

"I will say this though, not to be one of those people but… I know how much you want to settle down and start a family. If you have to wait around for him to decide if he wants to be with you, you should probably take that sort of stuff into consideration."

With every fibre in my being, I hate that this is something I even have to consider. She's right though, I've always wanted a family. So much so I've started doing research into freezing my eggs and coming to terms with the idea of having children on my own.

"I know. Don't worry I've thought about it, and I'm looking into ways to protect my future in that regard. But I did tell him I can't wait for long, the whole ‘my egg supply is drying up because I'm getting older' thing is partly why," I tell her. I didn't tell him that though, I can't even say the word ‘relationship' without him freaking out, let alone the word ‘baby'.

"How long are you prepared to wait?" she asks.

"A few months maybe? He's super stressed at work and doesn't know when he's getting this promotion. His dad's putting the pressure on him, and I know he's feeling overwhelmed. I know he needs to talk to Jade and settle the house. Honestly, I think he's scared of hurting me like he believes he hurt her. So yeah, I'll give him a few months. And then we'll see."

"Okay," she says, as simply as that. "Just keep me updated, and make sure you're taking care of yourself along the way. This man does not get to ruin you, you got it?"

"Yes, ma'am," I say, giving her a salute.

"Good." She squeezes my hand one last time before picking up her milo and having a sip. "So, there's something I kind of wanna talk to you about, while you're here."

"Oh?" I ask.

"Do you have any plans for early September?"

I think for a moment. "Off the top of my head, nope, I don't have any plans for that time of year. Why? Are we going on a holiday?"

"I wish! No, I'm going to be in hospital for a few days, so I might need your help around the house." She almost sounds nervous.

"Oh. Yeah, of course. Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, everything's fine! Fantastic, actually."

"Okay… I'm confused," I tell her.

"Let's just say that when I come home from the hospital, you'll have a new title."

"Huh? What the fuck are you on about, woman? Stop being cryptic." I smack her on the leg, and she laughs.

"You'll be Auntie Ella."

One, two, three… it takes three seconds for me to register what she just said. And then I scream.

"OH MY GOD, YOU'RE PREGNANT!"

"I'm pregnant!" she screams back. And then I'm crying. And she's crying. And there's Milo spilling all over our shirts as we hug and cry and laugh.

"When did this happen? How did this happen? Wait, shut up, I know how this happened," I say as she opens her mouth to make some smart-arse comment. "When did you find out?"

"This morning." She wipes tears from her eyes. "It's super, super early. But there was a solid line on the test, and after everything we've gone through, this is our first positive result. I'm so scared, but I'm letting myself celebrate."

"Oh my God. I can't believe it." I squeal again. They have been trying for a baby for over a year and were going to start IVF treatments in a few months. "I'm so happy for you. Definitely let yourself celebrate, even if it's early. I'm sure it's normal to feel nervous and scared. Oh Mills, I'm so happy for you!" I hug her again. "Whatever you need from me, I'll be there to support you. Clay, too."

"Thanks, babe. You're the best friend I could ask for!"

"Likewise."

We spend the rest of the night talking about babies and thinking of ridiculous names Millie can suggest to Clay, purely to get a reaction from him. It's almost midnight before I get home, and when I'm lying in bed with a smile on my face, I'm glad to have something to think about other than my own personal dilemmas.