10. Logan

10

Logan

B ode waves at me as I park next to Crew's truck. Carl has had me on back-to-back shifts for the last week, and every day Crew has shown up to the diner. Sitting in the same booth and ordering the same burger, no tomato and onion rings. How he survives on the diner's coffee will never cease to amaze me. It's my first day off since before we left for Kingston. I can feel how tired I am deep in my bones but for some reason I wanted to come to the ranch today.

"I didn't think we'd see you today," Bode says, a knowing grin spreading across his face.

"I didn't think I'd have the day off. You seen Crew around?"

He nods. "He's in the barn. I think he was headed out though."

"Well, I'll let him know I'm here for chores then." I give him a smile and head towards the building. As soon as I round the corner of the barn door I almost smack right into his broad chest.

"Whoa," he chuckles, his hands landing on my shoulders to steady me. It only takes a moment for me to meet his eyes and his brows are already furrowed. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm here for chores."

"Why aren't you at the diner Shepard?" he asks with an underlying worry in his tone that I refuse to read into.

"Apparently I've earned myself a day off." I roll my eyes, "so I figured instead of you traipsing your giant ass to town, I'd come do my chores."

"You chose to come here today?" He asks, narrowing those hazel eyes down at me. "Willingly?"

"Me coming here is never willing," I bite. He winces at my words; it's slight but I don't miss it. I feel bad for a moment before that stoic look returns to his face and he nods.

"Well your chores have been done already. Peter's been doing them."

I step out of his grasp and cross my arms over my chest. "Are you trying to make me feel bad?"

"Jesus, Logan," he shakes his head and grabs the back of his neck, "no I'm not, I was saying that to tell you that you could go home if you wanted. You look…"

"I look what, Crew?" I don't know why I feel the need to combat him at every corner. It comes naturally I guess. Assuming the worst out of everyone. Even the man who has done nothing but try to help me every chance he gets.

He looks exhausted by me already, and now I think maybe I should go home.

"I was gonna say like you needed the break, but if you're so damn hellbent on being here you can grab a saddle and meet me by Copper's bay." He pins his shoulders back and crosses those massive arms over his chest, matching my stance.

"Fine," I say, brushing past him.

The saddles are always heavier than I remember as I take one down off the rack. I can feel him watching me as I struggle with it but I refuse to ask him for help. Instead, he lets me practically drag it over to Copper's stall.

"Get him ready for a ride," he barks behind me.

I toss him a glare, realizing he has his own saddle in his hands. He makes his way over to Juniper's stall, the deep brown mare that Crew is always on. She's beautiful and I can't blame him for wanting to ride her.

"You realize he hates me right?" I ask, sparing a glance back at Copper. Of all the horse that Crew has had me work with the last few weeks, Copper has been the most—ornery. His red coat is speckled with soft white spots along his chest and head, but it's his eyes that I find quickly.

"He doesn't hate you, Logan," he sighs, "he matches your energy. You know this. Calm yourself down and saddle the damn horse."

"Talking to me like that is the best way not to calm me," I retort, pulling the bay door open. Copper doesn't move, he just stands there watching me with careful eyes. I take a deep breath and shake out my hands.

Crew's talking to his horse behind me. I can't make out what he's saying but his voice is soft and gravelly. I want to lean out of the stall just to hear the sound of it but I don't. I can't get attached to this man no matter how much he's weaved his way under my skin.

"Alright," I say softly, taking a small step into the stall. Copper turns to the side, matching my step. "C'mon Copper, I know we're both unhappy right now but just work with me here." I lift my hand letting him nudge it with his snout and assessing whether or not I'm a threat. "Please," I whisper.

I dare to take another step closer and this time, the stallion doesn't move. A small twinge of hope spreads through me as I take another step and still he stays put. My hand meets the side of his neck and he nudges his head into my chest. "Thanks pal," I breathe.

It takes me another few minutes to get his saddle on correctly. I move as swiftly yet carefully as I can. Copper doesn't fight me at all and it eases the tension in my shoulders a bit while I lead him out of the stall. Crew is already waiting for me just outside the barn and when I come out he gives me a smile.

"I knew you'd figure it out."

"We had a moment," I say, patting Copper's neck with a hint of pride in my voice.

"That's usually all it takes. Hop up, I wanna check the fences."

"We aren't using the quads?" I ask without looking at him. I'm too focused on the horse but as soon as I feel his hand brush my hip all of my attention shifts to him. I can feel the heat radiate from his chest as he moves around me.

"Old school today Shepard," he nudges me, "now c'mon up. You wanted chores and we're wasting daylight."

He flashes me a grin before stepping back to let me climb onto Copper. I stick my foot into the stirrup and grip the saddle horn with white knuckles. Copper is a decent size horse and for a moment I think I have a good chance of climbing up the first time but just as the thought crosses my mind my foot slips and I stumble back. Right into Crew's grasp. His large arms swallow me whole the moment they wrap around my waist and I hate that for a brief moment, my body settles into the warmth of his chest.

"You gotta use the ball of your foot," he murmurs against my ear. Warm breath fans my cheek and I have to swallow the tornado of butterflies that form in my throat. He drops his arms from my waist, "try again."

I stand straighter, still feeling the heat of his body pulling towards mine. Once again I set my foot into the stirrup, making sure the ball of my foot is sitting just right and grab the horn once more. With a tug, I kick my leg over the horse's rear and plant my ass in the saddle. Copper digs his hooves into the ground but stays in his spot. A sense of pride washes through me as I situate myself.

Glancing down at Crew I realize he's grinning up at me and not his usual I told you so grin. This is different. It's warmer and it makes the flecks of gold and gray in his eyes sparkle against the mid-morning sun.

"Atta girl, Shepard."

Those words should not have hit me the way they did. Instead of focusing on the blush that's currently creeping up my cheeks, I roll my eyes.

"Shut up and get on your horse, Cassidy." I have to bite back a smile and I hate it. " We're wastin' daylight," I drawl back at him in a voice that mocks his own.

His green eyes light up while a chuckle leaves his lips but he doesn't push me on the fact that I made fun of him. Instead he climbs up on his horse and heads off towards the pasture gates still with that stupid smile on his face.

We ride for a while along a few of the pastures. I can tell we're getting closer to the treeline that spreads out past the untouched portions of the acreage. He doesn't say anything to me and I don't say anything to him. For once he doesn't find it necessary to fill the silence between us and I'm grateful.

The chilled air nips at my nose and the only saving grace is the clear sun filled sky. It warms me in a way I haven't felt in forever like all of the noise and all of the bullshit has just melted away, even if it is just for a moment.

"You're quiet today," he says, tipping his chin up slightly to look at me from under the brim of his hat.

"Don't have much to say."

Crew nods. "How is Ash?"

I glance over at him but he's focused on the fences again. "He's good. He keeps asking when he's going to come back and help with the animals." I chuckle softly shaking my head.

"He's always welcome here, Logan," Crew says glancing at me. There's a beat of silence filled by the sound of the wind blowing through the trees as we reach the treeline. "You both are."

I let out a hollow laugh, "I don't think that's entirely true."

"It is," he says firmly. "You let me handle Ford but if you ever need—"

"I don't need anything from this place," I interrupt. "I'm here because I have to be."

He grimaces and it's quickly replaced by a frown.

"Do you ever think about the words coming out of your mouth before you say them?" He scowls deeper and the lines around his eyes spread out across his face.

"You weren't here," I snap, "when this ranch killed my daddy."

"Logan." He tries to stop me but there is fire already burning behind my eyes and I know there's no turning back from this familiar angry place I have retreated to. "This ranch didn't kill him. "

"They fired him and to him it was death. He put his whole life into this ranch and you all turned your back on him. I don't expect to be treated any different."

"I can't say I remember him that well, I was only around for weeks at a time back then but—" he stops, eyes flickering to and from the fences as we saunter along the line. "Mr. Shepard was a liability, Logan," he doesn't hold back. "He showed up drunk more often than he did sober and he was putting people's lives in danger. Now I'm not saying what you knew of your daddy was wrong, but you were young and it's easier to believe what you want to be true because it hurts less than reality."

"I didn't ask for a therapy session, Crew," I snarl at him, digging my heel into the side of Copper and taking off down the fence line. I can't run from the past but I can run from the man digging it up.

I'm not equipped to handle the feelings that man brings out of me on a regular basis and yet the overwhelming need to be around him doesn't seem to dull even when I am. I hate him and enjoy his company all at the same time but I despise how he talks his way under my skin, the way he shimmies down through the cracks in my anger in search of what's beneath. But what if all that lies beneath the anger is more rage? The only time I felt different was around Ash and now, around Crew.

I sigh and bring Copper to a lazy trot, realizing that Crew didn't follow me and that I'm definitely lost in the back pasture. I spin him in a circle trying to find the way back down the hill without luck and tug on his reins. "You don't know the way back do you?"

The horse brays back at me, stomping his feet as I continue to turn him around, peering through the trees, hoping to catch a glimpse of anything I recognize. The frustration mounts, licking at my fingertips like exposed wires. My nerves spark wildly as my grip on the reins tightens and my thighs squeeze tightly to the saddle. Copper seems to hate this situation as much as I do as he grows antsy and starts to stomp around in the dirt.

"Calm down," I yip as he kicks off the ground. "Copper!" I scream as he bucks harder and throws me back into the dirt.

When I hit the ground the horse takes off and leaves me reeling, struggling to force any air into my lungs as I roll to my side in the mud. I take a long hard breath and take in my surroundings again trying to see which direction Copper ran off in.

"I told you so." I hear the rumble of his voice before I see him.

I look over my shoulder to see him climbing off of Juniper, his stride is true in the mud as he steps up to loom over me.

"Are you going to fucking stand there or help me up?"

His brow cocks as he watches me struggle to gain footing in the mud. For a moment longer he just stands there before letting out a drawn out sigh and scoops me up into his arms, tossing me over his shoulder.

"What the hell are you doing!"

"Helping you," Crew replies coolly.

"This isn't helping me you asshole, let me down!" My fists pound against the hard muscle of his back but he never relents. I can't see where he's going, just that Juniper is following behind us.

Before I can protest further I am being thrown through the air and the last thing I see is a cocky grin on his face as I hit the chilly water of the creek and submerge below the surface. I kick up and break out breathless, my hair sticking to my face.

"You fucking Neanderthal!" I scream only to realize he's stripping from his mud stained clothes. The sun kisses all the rigid lines of his muscles as the shirt he's wearing is hauled over his head in one swift movement. "What are you doing?"

He kicks off his boots as his fingers work to remove his belt and his jeans. He rolls them down over his massive thighs and shoves them into the pile without a word.

"Crew Cassidy!" I slap the water with my hands and he looks up at me with his hands on his hips. The boxers he wears are tight and do nothing to conceal what's beneath.

"Eyes up here, Shepard." He wades into the water. It laps against his stomach as he moves toward me with a smirk on his face. Clearly enjoying my discomfort. "You got me all muddy."

"I got you muddy?" I scream at him and step back, my feet slipping on the rocks beneath the surface. The creek is deeper here and it sloshes against my chest as I move away from his huge frame.

He hovers close, the water around his stomach is a shocking statement to our height difference as he sinks down beneath the surface and wets his hair. I decide in that moment, when he breaks the surface with water dripping down his face and neck, that wet Crew is most definitely my favorite Crew. I clench my jaw and try to battle with the heat that rises in my cheeks as he moves toward me.

"I wasn't the one that fell in the dirt," he says. "I also wasn't the one that threw a hissy fit and ran away because I didn't like the conversation."

"Maybe I ran away because I was sick of lookin' at you." I scrunch my face up and try to ignore the butterflies swarming my chest.

"Now you're just lying," he smiles and the sun catches in his hazel eyes making them twinkle down at me.

"Stop telling me what I am!" I shiver against the current. "Stay away from me Crew." I put my hand out as he wades through the water. "You don't know me, you don't know what I need, so stop pretending like you do!"

"God damnit woman," he growls and, quicker than lightning, he reaches out and snatches my wrist, tugging me to his chest. His hands engulf my cheeks, holding me hostage while his lips crash down over mine.

It takes my brain a full thirty seconds before I realize what's happening. He's kissing me. He is kissing me and I don't… hate it.

Crew's tongue glides across my bottom lip, silently asking for permission and for some reason I don't hesitate to open for him. A groan rumbles somewhere in his throat and his hands slide into my wet hair. Every butterfly wing in my chest is beating so hard they're combatting the thrum of my heart.

His body consumes me with heat despite the frigid water. I don't want to welcome it but as soon as that thought crosses my mind, I find myself leaning into him. Our lips glide together like they're old friends reuniting. It's strange kissing him and what's even more strange is that I have no plans to stop him.

Crew is the first to pull away. He looks down at me through heavy lids, his eyes searching mine.

"Did that feel like pretending to you?"