Chapter 35

Chapter

Thirty-Five

ANI

I sit and watch Phoenix eat. Waiting for him to look up at me. Hoping that maybe just once he will acknowledge my presence in any way except to punish me. Is it possible for Phoenix to feel anything toward me? Can he ever be anything but an authoritative disciplinarian? Do I not have any hold of his heart at all?

I haven’t had my period, and though I don’t know for sure, there is a part of me that knows I can very well be pregnant. My time in the penthouse is limited. Once he knows I’m pregnant, this wicked game of keeping the princess locked away in the tower will be over. Reality will set in.

Though Phoenix and I share a connection, it’s going to be hard to convince him of that. He has punished me several times, sometimes severely and other times with a lighter hand. He tolerates little and has zero patience. Some of the times are deserved for acting out due to boredom or raising hell because I feel like the walls of the penthouse are often closing in on me. But there are times that he will pull the belt from his pants and take it to me simply because he can.

Does he know how much I like it? I do. His dominance. His power. The bite of the leather against my flesh. The act of being punished nude before him. I love it all. Crave it even. Maybe it is my soul desiring the punishment for never being happier when I should be miserable. Or maybe it is simply the fuel I require to light the fire within. Regardless of why, I wait in anticipation for the next strike of his hand. But unlike with Mark, it’s never on my face. Never any place that causes any real harm. Just my bare ass causing me to become instantly wet.

And then there are times he softens. He never punishes without soothing afterward. He takes his duty of aftercare seriously. He kisses, he holds me close, and cuddles me into his muscled chest while stroking my hair repeatedly. He bathes me and cares for me in ways I didn’t know possible. The more Phoenix punishes, the more he loves. The yin and yang of his sadist self is more than I could ask for. These months at the manor, and now at the penthouse, are the most fulfilling relationships I have ever experienced.

I try my best not to think about the day I will have to leave him. If I bring it up in conversation, he bends me over and sears my behind. It is not to be spoken of in his presence. It is clear he had a mission. A plan.

Fighting back tears, I decide that I need to speak with Phoenix, even though it will result in punishment. “Phoenix,” I say tentatively. “I was hoping I could discuss something with you.” I have to act now. I need to bring it up in my own way before he shuts it down completely without any input from me.

He looks up from his meal with annoyance in his eyes. “No.”

His sharp answer takes me by surprise, but I swallow back the lump in my throat and carry on. “Once I’m pregnant?—”

He looks up at me with wide eyes. “Are you?”

“I don’t know,” I answer honestly. “But once I am?—”

“My sister and I have it all planned out,” he says. “You have nothing to worry about, but your time paying for your actions will be over. So, you should be happy about that.”

“So, when I leave the penthouse?—”

Phoenix swallows the last bite of his meal before speaking in a deep and menacing voice. “We will discuss this once we know you are definitely pregnant. No reason to discuss this now.”

“I want to stay with you. Not be shipped off to some hidden location.”

“No.”

“I don’t want to leave you. I don’t want to leave Seattle.”

“I don’t care.”

“I don’t believe you,” I say without pause. “I think you do care, and no matter what you say, I think you feel the same way about me that I feel about you. ”

“This conversation is over.”

“Phoenix…”

“I said no,” he snaps.

“How can you stare at me like that and feel nothing?” My voice cracks and wavers. “Am I truly nothing more than a body? Just a surrogate for your baby?”

“That’s what you are.”

His words shatter my heart. Why does he have the power over me to do so? Why am I drawn toward a man who has never led me to believe there was anything more? He has only caused me pain—both physically and mentally. So why? Why do his words stab at me? He hasn’t made any promises. He has never whispered sweet nothings about the perfect future together. I should know how he will act. I should know how he will feel. But my heart has taken over.

“I have sat across from you at this table for days. We have had sex. You have demanded my submission in the most intimate of ways, and I have given it to you. Please. I know you have to feel something more. I can feel it in your touch.”

“I touch you in order to keep you in line. To make you pay for your betrayal and to guarantee it will never happen again. Nothing more.”

“Not true.”

He looks at me with the most severe warning I have yet seen.

I clear my throat and try to keep my voice calm and steady. “I can see. I notice what you do. When you spank me, you also dip your finger between my folds to see that I am wet. My arousal is important to you. When a punishment is over, and I’m crying, you wait with me until my tears cease. You want to care for me. You want to give me comfort because you feel more even though you aren’t capable of admitting that to yourself. You want this because you do feel something for me. I know this. I feel this. You are lying if you say otherwise.”

“Ani…” His warning sends a shiver up my spine, but I don’t stop. I can’t. I’m not wrong. I can’t be. He’s just too stubborn to see.

“I’m not asking for love right away. I’m not asking for you to be someone you aren’t or can’t be. I’m just asking for you to be honest. This hasn’t been easy for me. I’m not usually this open and free with my feelings, but you made me this way. It’s because of you that I can say how I feel. I hunger for you. You wake up a passion inside of me that salivates to be quenched. You spark a flame inside. When we made love?—”

“We fucked.” His voice vibrates off the bare walls.

“Maybe,” I say calmly, “but more than just a body part entered me. I felt it just as I know you did. I had your seed as you like to call it, blending within me. Something happened at that moment. A bond. I can’t imagine losing it forever while I bounce around like an expensive piece of artwork never to be appreciated or touched. I want more out of life.” I pause for a moment, preparing for the rejection I am sure will follow my next question. “Was I the only one who felt it? Did you not feel the connection with me? When we were together?”

“I felt it,” he admits. “I fucking felt it.”

Phoenix begins pacing, his aggravation visible in his posture. I sit and wait for the storm to erupt. I am asking for a severe spanking by continuing, but I have to, if even the slightest hope exists. He turns to me and points to the hallway. “Ani. Leave. Now. Go back to the room. I need… time.”

I rise quickly and run to the room. Not out of fear, although I am scared of Phoenix’s wrath, but because I don’t want him to see how truly devastated I am.

Have I got this all wrong?

How?

How can I be so off?

How can this be so one-sided?

I’m in my room crying when a knock sounds at the door rather than it just being opened like every other time. With the mood Phoenix is in, he would never knock. Never.

I quickly dry my tears. “Come in.”

Phoenix opens the door and gracefully enters the room. “Ani, I can see… no, I can feel that I have upset you.”

I look into his deep eyes and say nothing. I meet his gaze and allow him to truly see my pain. I want him to see how the thought of not being with him once we confirm I am pregnant causes anguish like no other. I understand I am simply a surrogate now, but that doesn’t mean I like it.

Phoenix pulls me into his arms harshly. He presses my head to his chest with more force than I am prepared for. “It kills me to see you hurt. I want to never be the cause of your heartache.” Without releasing his grip, he continues, “But what you want is not possible. It’s not the way your life should be. Even if I could safely keep you with me at all times, a life in the attic is no way to live. It’s just a matter of time until you lose your mind. Our child deserves a sane parent. ”

I pull from his strong embrace. “I don’t care what we do as long as I’m with you. And our child deserves to have both his or her parents. Not just me.” I sniffle and wipe away the tears, trying to regain my composure. “Anything is better than me being cast off alone.”

“You won’t be alone. You will have around-the-clock security watching over you. We will give you staff as well to help with cooking and cleaning. You won’t be alone.”

“But that is alone! It might as well be. What kind of life will I have with no real connections?”

“A better one than you would have with me. Look at me. I’m not the man you are picturing. I’m not that white picket fence dream.” He pauses as if he may change his mind but then quickly snaps out of it. “And you won’t be alone. You will have the baby. And who knows, we may want a second child down the line.”

I shake my head. “You are a coward. You are too scared to let me in. To let any form of love in.” I pause to drum up the strength to tell Phoenix my true feelings. “I love you. I love you so much. Even though you may never return the words, I’m at least not a coward and can tell you how I truly feel.” I look back up into Phoenix’s deep blue eyes. “But I know my baby, and I deserve more. So, if you can’t say the words?—”

“I love you, too,” he cuts in. Sighing, Phoenix shakes his head. “I can’t give you what you need.”

“Then take me someplace else. Find a place besides the manor or the penthouse, besides the properties everyone is aware of, and build something fresh. Anywhere else.”

“I can’t do that, and you know it. I have responsibilities that keep me here. I can’t just run off and play house. The slightest show of weakness, and others will move in.”

I reach out for Phoenix’s hands and pull him close to me in desperation. “Figure it out. Fix this problem as you fix everything else with your business,” I suggest, feeling hopelessness take over all sense. “You are a man who doesn’t take no for an answer.”

Phoenix wraps me in his arms and kisses me on top of my head. “Ani, this is final. I have nothing to offer you. This is not the way to live. I can keep you safe, and that’s the plan. Regardless of what you may think of me, I don’t wish you unhappiness. I know what I have planned for you might not be what you planned, but if you have my baby inside of you, there’s no other choice. I have to keep you both safe.”

I close my eyes for a moment, searching my entire being for the power to not burst in tears and beg to be loved. I have to maintain some pride. I have to do something. Anything but feel this pain and rejection.

Cold.

Survival.

Put that wall back up.

Just be a pain slut and nothing more.

Try, Ani. Try.

“Fine. Forget I even tried. Let’s just go back to the way it was. Fucking.” I tentatively press my palm to Phoenix’s chest. “Let me taste you.” I lower my hand to the bulge in Phoenix’s pants. “I want to feel your cock between my lips.” I quickly undo his pants, releasing him from his confines. “I want again.”

Phoenix stands still, never making a move to stop me in my mission. I consider this a sign to continue. I kneel, softly place his hardened cock on the base of my tongue, and close my lips tightly around him. Looking up into his eyes, I move my mouth up and down along his shaft. Phoenix never looks away.

I tighten my lips and work my tongue in small circles along the entire length. His taste, his smell, and his entire aura consumes me, but I focus only on the task. Nothing more.

Phoenix reaches for my hair to stop me. “Ani,” he moans. He’s losing control. Good. Let the man lose some fucking control.

I look up into his eyes with his cock still in my mouth. I lower my mouth down to the base of his cock and slowly back to the tip. Removing his penis just enough to speak again, I rasp, “Watch me, Phoenix. Watch me suck you off.”

I know he likes the dirty talk.

I know exactly what he likes.

I have been trained.

Trained. Just not loved.

Phoenix closes his eyes and throws his head back in euphoric surrender. I have won this battle. I smile wickedly at my success and continue my quest to please Phoenix like he has never been.

“No. Stop,” Phoenix orders. “This isn’t right.”

“Nothing about this is right,” I snap as I fall to the floor, not caring to stand. “I guess I am nothing but a fucking breeder.”

“I’m sorry, Ani,” Phoenix says as he lifts me and places me on the edge of the bed. “I know what’s best.”

I lie down on the bed and turn my back to him. “Fine. I understand. It’s just a matter of time until I’m fat with swollen ankles anyway.” I take a deep breath so my voice won’t crack and reveal my pain. “I’m tired. Can you leave so I can get some rest? I’ve been tired lately.”

“Let’s have you take a pregnancy test,” he says.

“Don’t bother,” I mumble. “I know I’m pregnant. I know.”

At least the baby will love me.