43. MATTHEWS

MATTHEWS

C ael stared at me from the banister that hung above the giant, very crowded living room with the biggest smile on his face, and it made my heart race. The beige dress shirt he wore was unbuttoned around the collar, showing off his light layer of chest hair, and the thin necklace was fancier than I’d expected. His jaw was covered in scruff, making him look so much older. I wanted to know how it felt on the skin between my thighs. I smiled back at him; for once he looked relaxed and happy. The darker blue flecks in his eyes vibrant as he leaned back from the banister on his heels and showed off the swell of his biceps beneath the loose sleeves of the shirt that rolled at his forearms.

“You can put your bags in here.” Zoey wrapped her hand into the crook of my elbow and led me back to a second set of rooms that had a few beds each. “Most guests share, so Ella and I thought it would be fun to have a mini girls' weekend. We’re going to stay in here with you so that you don’t have to bunk with any of the parents.”

Zoey smiled at me in her yellow tank top and jeans. Her long brown hair was pulled into a loose bun at the back of her neck, and she had a sweet little dimple on her cheek.

“That sounds wonderful.” I inhaled, and the breath came back out a little shaky.

“Are you okay?” She asked me.

“If I’m honest…” Which I wasn’t sure I could be with someone I barely knew but I slipped my feet into Cael’s shoes and tried.

“Nervous?” She scrunched her nose up and sat down on one of the beds, patting the mattress so I would join her. “Cael has been keeping the information close to his chest, but I think it’s pretty obvious you mean a lot to him.”

I nodded and joined her, not realizing how much I missed Bobbi until I was trauma-dumping in her lap and close to tears. I told her everything, from our past until now, and Zoey just listened. The suspicious feeling that she did that often, for a lot of people, crept up my spine with warmth.

“Wow.” She sighed lightly and absorbed everything. “So you and Cael were practically born to be together in some capacity? I love a fated lovers trope,” she gasped with a smile.

“Or this is the universe's idea of a cruel joke.”

“No.” Zoey shook her head. “It’s a test.”

“A test?”

She swallowed tightly. “Van and I aren’t perfect, you know? Everyone thinks we are because we’ve never had one of those really big fights that couples have, but it’s because we have all the tiny ones. We don’t let it get to us, we just tell each other everything no matter how bad.”

“That’s surprisingly healthy.” A small, feeble laugh left my lips.

“It never feels like it in the moment when we’re hashing things out. It feels wrong and tense, but it’s always worth it, and Van is worth it to me. I guess you just need to decide if Cael is worth it to you.”

“Easier said than done.” I resisted rolling my eyes, but Zoey stopped me with a tiny shake of her head.

“It’s actually easier than you think.” Zoey shrugged, sensing my discomfort. “It’s that feeling in your chest that you can’t tell if it's pain or excitement. It's the butterflies in your stomach you mistake for nausea. It's the relief you get from a cold breeze on a really hot day. And if your first and last thought is him…” She scrunched her nose up at me, her eyes flickering like she was in on a secret I didn’t know yet. “Give this weekend a chance, give yourself a chance.”

She rose from the bed and fixed the tiny rolls of her shirt before leaving the room and me with more questions that I had come in with. I looked at myself in the mirror, a question posed that old Clementine would have had an answer to almost instantly, but one I couldn’t quite figure out.

When I finally found the courage to make my way out to the living room, it felt like the number of people in the cabin had doubled and the sound alone was overwhelming. Zoey’s laughter rang out from the kitchen, where she laughed with Ella and an older lady with soft, graying-brown hair and big eyes lined with crinkles when she smiled.

“Mary,” Ella called me over. “This is Mrs. Shore.”

She held her hand out to me, and I introduced myself.

“So you’re the reporter that had my husband in knots.” She laughed, but there was a hint of pride in her voice. “I like you. I’ve never seen that man so riled up before. I hope that piece you’re writing makes waves.”

It already was.

“I’m having a lot of fun working on it. Harbor has been so generous to me.” I smiled.

“Well, we’re very grateful to have you for dinner.” She smiled back. “Did you not have any family waiting for you back in Texas?” She asked.

“My Mom,” I said quietly. “But she understands that this is important.”

“Well, she sounds like a wise woman.” Mrs. Shore winked at me but her eyes dragged behind me, and what could only be described as a motherly scowl formed on her face. “Cael Cody, get your dirty little fingers out of that!”

The towel snapped as we all turned to see Cael rubbing the back of his hand, mere inches from the frozen bowl of whipped cream on the counter behind us. He popped the cream covered finger into his mouth with a smile and reached out the other hand to me, palm up, possibilities endless.

The rescue was imminent.

I could have sworn Zoey giggled with pride when I took the invitation and Cael pulled me from the kitchen.

“Thank you.” I laughed.

It was weird that after all this time talking to people for my job, it was still so hard to make small talk. I wanted deep conversations with everyone all of the time.

“Where have you been?” He asked, and led me outside.

“Getting settled,” I shrugged .

“You were missing for like half an hour,” he groaned and led me down the back stairs of the porch. He looked back at me for a second, blue eyes watching me carefully. “ And you’ve been crying.”

I ignored his comment as my feet hit loose gravel, but Cael didn’t stop moving. He was taking me somewhere.

“Maybe you weren’t looking hard enough.”

His head snapped around as he scoffed, fake outrage shining brightly as he smiled with his entire face. When the sun hit him, my breath caught in my throat and, for a split second, I forgot how to breathe as he seamlessly transitioned back into that seventeen-year-old boy. His hair was longer, his shirt a different color, and his eyes a little older, but… there he was.

“You okay, Plum?” He asked, squeezing my hand as my steps slowed.

“Yeah, just déjà vu…” I forced a tiny smile to my face. “Where are we going?” I asked him.

It was his turn to have his smile falter.

“To see Mama.”

Confused and nervous, I let him lead us away from the house, past a massive homegrown baseball field, down toward the lake. It was public knowledge just how rich the Shores were, but seeing the field put it into perspective. Homegrown was lowballing all the trimmed grass and freshly painted bleachers.

As we got closer to the lake, the trees grew taller and knotted together to create a dark canopy over the winding path. When the trees finally broke, I could have cried.

A small rickety dock extended out from the shore, swaying gently over the calm body of water. In the distance, the trees broke in the prettiest way on the horizon, just enough for the sun to nestle between them and turn the sky purple. The ground around the dock was blanketed in a thick field of lavender that stretched around and grew so tall it rocked in the breeze, practically dancing under the sunset.

It reminded me of a specific spot back home where the properties met, and Mr. Cody had built a small dock for Mrs. Cody where she could read and be alone for a while. She called it her own little Heaven after her and Momma spent a long weekend planting bushes and bushes of lavender along the path that led to it and the surrounding area.

“Lavender always was her favorite.” I brushed my fingers over the tops of the petals and smiled softly, a lump forming in my throat.

“Yours too.” Cael looked back at me, the purple sky dancing in his big, sad eyes as he spoke.

“Only because of her.” My voice cracked a little. “She used to make us bundles from all those bushes and hang them above the doorways.”

He nodded and looked out over the lake.

“It’s beautiful,” I whispered.

“The week after she died was the roughest time any of us had ever had. Not just Dad and I, but everyone at the Nest,” he said and lowered himself to the dock. “You knew Mama. They were all her kids. She had been there for so long, doing everything for all of us.” A tiny whimper bubbled from him. “Dad didn’t give a shit. The minute the funeral was over, he disappeared into his office and never came out again. Silas was the only reason we survived. He collected us one at a time and shoved us on that damn bus, drove us up here, and put us all to work. It rained in sheets… pouring practically the entire time. It was like the sky was sobbing. Everyone was miserable, half of them still in their dress clothes from the funeral.”

I watched him pick at the grass, it had always been his tell that he was holding back.

“We didn’t argue, but we didn’t understand either. Mama loved the Nest. It was where she belonged, and I fought against him every step of the way.” He pointed up to the hill without looking. “Crying up there in my black suit like a brat as they built this dock and planted those flowers.”

He sniffled, and I realized he had tears streaming down his face.

“I cried for three days while they did that. I don’t even remember eating or sleeping. I just wanted to fight everyone, and it was the first time in my life I really felt angry. I was pissed off at everything, questioning why anyone would want to take her when she was the thread that held us all together.”

My heart swelled at his story, it had been hard in the isolation when Lorraine died. Hard for me, but even worse for my own Momma. But we’d had each other. Cael had been hung out to dry by Ryan in the most heartbreaking moment of their lives.

“Arlo did his best to control the fallout but was just as sad. She had been his Mom, too, after he lost his own. He was 2-0 in that department, but I just couldn’t find the space to care for anyone but myself. It was so selfish of me. She would have been so fucking mad at me for not picking Arlo up and walking through that anger together. I failed her that day. I’ve been failing her since, but Silas was right. He just didn’t know how to explain it without sounding insane. On that third day, the sky cleared and, one by one, every player settled down on this stupid fucking hill beside me, as close as they could get, dirty hands, puffy eyes, and the sun dropped from the sky, exploding in purples, and I realized this is where Mama laid herself to rest.”

Cael scratched at his chest with two fingers mindlessly as he stared out over the water, and the sun slowly disappeared behind the lake.

“She never even came up here.” He laughed. “She said this was a place just for us, that we didn’t need her up here. We needed her at home, at the Nest.”

“And now she sleeps in the one place you can always find her.” I nodded. “I miss her a lot,” I said, thinking back on how wonderful she was. I scooted closer to him.

“She used to call me, you know?” I stopped when Cael looked over at me. “She’d never tell me what was going on with you. She’d say ‘Little Lovebug, I called to know how you're doing’. She had a way of making everyone feel seen.”

“I don’t know how she did it.” Cael shrugged those broad shoulders and wiped what tears remained from his cheeks on the shoulder of his shirt.

“Effortlessly.” I smiled, tucked my arm into his, and leaned my head on him, just like you.

He had no idea how much of her was ingrained in him, and it broke my heart to hear him talk about himself like that. I closed my eyes as every repressed feeling from the past seven years rushed through me at once—all the anger and frustration dancing dangerously with the want and regret.

Sitting there in the quiet with him felt normal. It was comfortable again, and I hadn’t realized just how much I missed that… How much I missed feeling like Cael and Clementine.

“You’re right. She’d be livid with us, you know,” I said. “All this fighting and for what?”

“You’re the one fighting, Plum.” Cael sighed. “I’m just a punching bag at this point.”

“Well, I’m sorry. Maybe I should try making you feel seen instead of trying to drag some fight from you that you don’t have.”

“I have plenty of fight.” He chuckled. “I’m just navigating seven years of feelings that I thought I’d never get to act on. I used to dream about you, more often than not. It was easier when my sheets smelled like you.” He stopped, cheeks flushed with color. “So I started buying soap that reminded me of you. The guys teased me, but it was worth it because I got you back, even briefly.”

My heart raced so fast it pained me as he talked about it.

All this time, believing that he had just moved on, but he hadn’t, at least not from us.

“You were the majority of my life, Clementine, and I couldn’t live it properly without you,” Cael admitted. “Maybe that’s insane, but I’ve done some pretty stupid things in my life. Loving you, unapologetically, was not one of them.”

“I laid in bed for two weeks after you left,” I confessed. “Everything hurt like I had been hit by a truck. I missed you so bad, but Momma would bring me warm french fries home every day on her way back from work, and she’d never say anything or scold me for lying around crying. She’d just set the fries on my desk and tidy up before leaving me until the next day. She still does that because you did that, bringing me french fries when you made me mad, upset, or cry.”

“I hate when you cry.” Cael’s words were tight.

“I know.” I sighed, thinking about that bird. “But she kept that alive because she knew I needed it. Eventually, I crawled from that cave and managed to find my feet again. Joined the newsletter club at school and found out I was pretty good at making news out of nothing. I slipped a little when Dad left, maybe a lot…”

It had never been our fault.

It had never been Cael’s fault.

“Your Dad left?” Cael seemed surprised.

“Your Mama kept a lot more together than we ever knew.” I clenched my jaw. “I was… I am…” I corrected myself, “angry because all of a sudden, every ounce of love had been stripped from my life. Everything I knew about endless love crumbled. Lorraine died, Daddy fell out of love with Momma. It felt like we had been lied to our entire lives.”

”You know that’s not true,” he quietly argued.

“Do I?” I countered. “I’ve been here for weeks, and it feels like all we’ve done is run in circles, blaming each other for situations outside of our control.”

“ You ,” he corrected. “You’ve been running circles around me, blaming me, not listening to me. Not kissing me.”

“For a damn good reason,” I fought. “The last time I let you do that, it crippled me so badly I couldn’t leave my room, Cael!”

“So that’s what it’s about. You’re scared.”

“No, I’m not scared.”

I was terrified.

“It doesn’t matter. After this weekend is over, I’m gone. I’m not sticking around to find out how a heart shatters twice.”

Cael stared at me like I had slapped him and suddenly, we were back on that hill behind my house, naive and angry at the world for all the same reasons.