42. CODY

CODY

“ C an you carry that?” I asked Ella as she shifted the crate of beer on her hip up the cabin stairs with the Thanksgiving air whipping through her hair.

“I’m fine, grab that.” She flicked her fingers toward two more large boxes of food that were heavy but not horrible to haul up the stairs. My shoulder pinched uncomfortably, but I clenched my jaw and followed her into the noisy house.

She had worked my shoulder harder than ever in the week since the bet at Hilly’s, and I had earned it. Sneaking into the bat cages, even if I was being careful…was stupid. But not any more foolish than believing that somewhere, tucked between all the good times Clementine was having, was the possibility that I convinced her to stay.

I didn’t want her to leave and, with the weekend finally here, this was my last chance to prove that she belonged with me. I would follow her if she asked. It wasn’t the first time I had thought about it, it plagued me a lot after we moved and I had come up with a lot of plans, but then she never responded to my calls or letters, so I just let her move on because it was what I thought she wanted.

But seeing her now, that day in my Dad’s office, I knew instantly that’s never what she wanted. We still had that connection, and I think she was finally aware of it.

“How is…” Ella set the crate down on the counter and lowered her voice, “the Clementine thing?”

The cabin was already packed with people. Sawyer and Lucas had come in and Arlo was talking to them on the deck as Nicholas hovered inside. The relationship between the four of them was still pulled pretty tightly, with Arlo not quite ready to forgive Nick and nobody blamed him. But he was trying.

Silas, with his messy, dark hair and beard that had grown less patchy recently, was forearm-deep in turkey, his soft-spoken mother giving him pointers as he shoved more garlic inside. Family weekend was nice, but most of the parents didn’t really come anymore. The younger guys, sure, but the older players' family weekend was just a nuisance for them to all come out. Thanksgiving, though, everyone showed up when the Shores invited them.

The entire house smelled like baked goods, sweet potatoes, green beans, and stuffing. It was my favorite holiday, hands down. Professor Tucker helped Mr. Shore set up more tables, Van and his sister, Cosy, wrestled playfully as they laid out place settings, and Dean stood uncomfortably in the corner with his siblings and their significant others.

“Emergency services are needed,” I said to Ella.

“Hey!” She whined as I dropped the boxes of food and kissed her cheek.

I was avoiding her interrogation, mostly because I wasn’t even sure how to answer her. I wasn’t going to lie and tell her it was going great because it wasn’t, we were a mess but it was our mess. And that counted for something.

“Mmm.” I heard her groan as I brushed through a crowd of loudly laughing, drunk dads, past the gaggle of moms bringing up old embarrassing stories of their sons.

“Oh, hello.” I nearly tripped over a small child stumbling across the floor and scooped her up in my arms as I continued on. Her little fingers wrapped around mine, spinning the rings in amazement. “Well, aren’t you adorable,” I whispered against her curly blonde hair and scanned the room.

“I’d recognize those eyes anywhere.” She giggled as I bounced her in my arms and spun around another group of bodies in my way.

“Who the hell gave you a baby?” Dean laughed as I approached.

There was a quick moment of her and I looking at each other, confused, before I looked back at Dean. “It was just lying around here… you know it kind of looks like you,” I said, leaning back to inspect it and only making her giggle more.

Dean shook his head. “Her name is Josie,” he said. They shared the same big teal sea-glass eyes and curly blonde hair.

Honestly, everyone in that family did. Anna’s was longer but curly and her eyes were framed by pounds of mascara. His brother, Harvey, was taller and skinnier than Dean, exhausted-looking as he sighed. They hated me and God damn did I love it. Seeing their scowls gave me a rush of adrenaline.

“You didn’t tell me you had kids!” I teased, brushing my nose against the baby’s to make her laugh.

Anna scowled. “Give me my daughter.”

“Sorry, we bonded.” I held her tighter and she cooed in response. “I’m keeping her.” I was joking, but the baby laughed and Anna grew more impatient with me every passing second.

“Cael,” Harvey first named me.

“What, Harvey ?” I sneered. “If Anna is anything like you, she’ll have ten. She won’t even miss one, and you like Uncle Cael don’t you? Don’t you…” The end of my sentence turned into baby talk as I tickled her belly. Harvey didn’t like that joke, his hand rolling tightly around his beer. “Do you even give them names, at that point? Or are they just numbers?” I asked, never getting an answer as Anna took the baby by force.

“Ooh alright, not in the mood I see. Fine…a baby for a baby,” I announced, snatching Dean by the collar of his dress shirt and dragging him from his corner.

I threw my arm over him and walked with him back to the stairs. “Come on.” I nodded to the rooms, and he didn't argue with me. Soon the sound was blocked out by the door of our room, I put on one of Van’s old records and sank down on the floor next to the hulking frame of my best friend.

Dean peeled at the label of his beer.

“I’d offer you one but—” He said. “You’re doing really good.”

“I’ve been seeing my sponsor a lot,” I admitted.

I had gone to lunch with Josh yesterday. After everything I could feel the walls bowing in on me and it was getting harder to say no. I was fully aware that I was relying on my interactions with Clementine to keep me steady and it scared me even more .

Pretending came naturally to me. I would fake a smile or force a laugh. The louder I was, the less likely anyone was to notice that I was breaking down inside. It was simple math, and it had worked for the last seven years.

But my brain and my heart knew that this was the last weekend with her.

They were pleading for comfort.

The only problem was the kind of comfort they wanted was found in the bottom of a bottle of vodka, or the purse of one of those rich moms sitting in the living room. Every single one of them probably had something to numb the itch.

I hadn’t realized how tense Dean was until the sound of everyone downstairs faded and it was just the two of us again, sitting to the soft, sad melody of some random Beach Boys song. We had spent so many of the nights here, stashed away from the world because it was the only place Dean could find peace while he fought a silent war with his family.

“You’re on my official list, you know.” I kicked my foot out and knocked into his outstretched leg as I turned toward him with my legs crossed against his side.

“What kind of list, assassinations?” He joked, but it was empty and almost sad.

“People that I owe apologies to, I guess.” I flipped my hat off my head and set it down to run my fingers through my hair. It was getting too long and curled at my nape in sweaty bundles. “I’ve put you through a lot of shit over the years.” I wanted to get close to him but settled for tucking my hands into my lap. “And you just took it even though you shouldn’t have. It made me no better than your siblings, and I’m sorry that I did that to you when you were already dealing with them.”

“You weren’t all bad, Cael…” Dean said, but I cut him off before he could keep going.

“This isn’t about me, and it’s not about making me feel better. It’s about all the shit I did that hurt you, that I shouldn’t have done. And I’m sorry.”

He looked up from the bottle with those devastatingly blue eyes and gave me a tight nod.

“But listen, I need you to take one more round of shit,” I said and he shook his head, his body instinctively turning toward me. Ready to walk me back from the ledge I was on. But it wasn’t my turn to be led; it was his. “Not for me,” I added and finally closed the gap between us. “I need you to do this for yourself, and I’ll be there to back you up when you’re ready. But you need to stop hiding from them.”

“I don’t know; it’s working out pretty good for me.” He curled one of his long legs around me as I settled between his legs.

The connection and the closeness made us both feel less tense and awkward. But something settled; it didn’t feel romantic, or the start of something like it normally would have. It felt light and platonic. It made me a little sad but I swallowed it down and focused on Dean.

“Is it?” I asked him.

Dean had always been like this. Sturdy and quiet. He was reliable and charming. His stupid soft, blond curls and pretty, perfect smile had me sold the moment he introduced himself. It was a surprise when he cornered me in the locker room after practice, our lips meeting for the first time. That make-out ignited a three-year-long, on-and-off-and-on-again, twisted relationship that hurt us both in the end.

I sank into Dean to distract from my sadness, and Dean used me as a safe haven when the pressures of his family got too heavy or too hard. We were bound to go up in flames at some point but, through that fire, our friendship grew stronger every day and I could tell that hiding was really starting to eat at him.

“This isn’t me pressuring you to do it.” I rubbed my hands over my face. “Come out to them when you’re ready, don’t at all if that’s what you really want, but I just hate seeing you sad at these things. The gala, the exhibition games. Don’t you want to celebrate with someone when we win or go home to someone when we don’t?” I asked. “And don’t say me because I mean someone who will really be there for you. ”

I just wanted him to be able to have those moments the same way all the other guys did without the worry that he was upsetting his family.

“Of course I do,” he answered after a long break.

“You deserve to have it, Dean,” I added. “More than anyone here, you’ve earned that. ”

A knock at the door silenced whatever he was going to say next, and Silas popped his head in. “I didn’t mean to interrupt, but she actually showed,” he said and my heart leaped.

“Go.” Dean smiled at me and slapped the side of my face. “Hey, Cael,” he said as I stood and looked down at him. “Thank you for loving me the way I needed, even when it was hard to hide. You’re my best friend.”

“And then some.” I kicked his shoe, leaning over and kissing the top of his shaggy hair.

With one final look at him I made my way out into the loft and leaned over the banister to find her in the chaos below. A smile spread across my face as I found her, dark, soft curls around her beautiful round face and a small blush to her cheeks as she realized where I was. It had been nearly twenty-three years of knowing her, but Clementine Matthews had been stealing the air from my lungs every second of every day since the day we were born.

I had never needed a breath to live; I had only needed her.