20. Chapter Twenty

Chapter Twenty

Shay

The sun's heat warmed my face as I tilted my head towards it. Eyes closed, I leaned back on the hard park bench. The scent of fresh cut grass tickled my nose. The sound of water trickling from a circular fountain not far from me filled my ears. Kids playing on the playground equipment a small distance away brought a smile to my lips.

This would be a great place to bring Lucas. I hadn't planned to stop here, but when I had driven past, it had looked so inviting. So peaceful, and I had just needed a minute of quiet, to myself. To think.

The day had been endless. Exhausting, but also incredibly good in many ways. Eye opening, in fact. Which was why I was dreading going home. Not home. To Bennett's. Dreading it, but I knew I couldn't avoid it. I needed to make some hard choices .

And it was going to hurt like hell.

Adulting sucked so bad sometimes.

My tiger chuffed but kept his thoughts to himself.

Stretching my arms out, I shook my fingers, trying to sense a shift. Not that I was going to shift here, in the park. But it had been so long, and now that my tiger had decided to resurface, a shift had to be soon. Didn't it?

But no, there was nothing. No tell-tale stretching of skin, no tingling of cells. Nothing.

Damn stubborn cat.

Silence. He had nothing to say to that.

Blinking my eyes open, my brow knitted, and I blinked again, sure I was seeing things.

Asher strode towards me, his long legs eating up the distance quickly. His shirt sleeves were rolled up to his elbows, his tie loosened.

Sitting up straighter as he neared, I called, "What are you doing here?"

He frowned, stopping in front of me, so I had to shield my eyes to look up at him. My brother was tall for an omega, only about an inch shorter than me. "I could ask you the same thing. You weren't answering your phone, and I got worried."

Glancing down at the phone in my hand I frowned, for the first time noticing a few missed texts and calls from him. "Oh, I put it on silent and I forgot. Sorry."

Double checking I hadn't missed a message from Bennett, I slid it in my pocket. "How did you find me?"

Asher ran a hand through his blond hair, ruffling the stylish cut, before he shoved his hands deep into the pockets of his dress pants. "You're on our plan. I might have tracked you. "

Scowling, I grumbled, "You tracked me? I'm not a child, Asher." Anger welled inside me, defensiveness flaring hotly. I was sure it stemmed from years of having my moves tracked by Edward, but it annoyed me that my brother had a way to do the very same thing to me.

Rolling on the balls of his feet, he defended. "And I'm not going to lose track of my brother again. Twelve years was quite enough, thank you very much."

We glared at each other, before he huffed out a breath, rolling his dark eyes in annoyance. "I thought it was a good idea, in case something happens. I'm worried about you, okay? I'm worried about Edward coming after you. I'm not going to apologize for trying to keep you safe. I don't know exactly what happened, but I know you were hurt, and it's my job to protect you any way I can."

"I'm not a kid anymore, Ash. You can't just wave your big brother magic wand around and make the monsters go away. I'm an adult now."

Asher's nostrils flared. "I don't give a fuck if you are. You're my little brother, doesn't matter how old you are or how big you get, it will always be my job to protect you. So, suck it up, buttercup. It is what it is."

"Stop trying to be the boss of everything!" I growled, slumping down and crossing my arms over my chest in a great imitation of a sulky teenager. So much for acting like an adult.

Asher's shoulders slumped. "I'm not gonna fight with you, Shay. That's not why I came looking for you."

Spreading my arms wide, I demanded, "Why did you come looking for me?"

How did I begin to explain to Asher the feelings that had bubbled up to the surface when he had said he found me by using my phone? That it felt very much like when Edward had tracked everywhere I went, who I spoke to, who I looked at. I knew I had sounded defensive and angry.

Asher rolled his eyes at my sarcasm and met me with his own. "I was worried about you, dumbass."

"Oh." Blowing out a breath, I unwrapped a cough drop and popped it in my mouth, feeling the tell-tale beginning of a tickle. My lungs were definitely over all the talking I had done today. "Sorry for being so defensive. It's just…Edward…he used to track my phone. Where I went. Who I talked to. He used it as a way to control me. My head gets why you used it to find me, but in here," I pointed to my chest, "it just brought up a ton of bad feelings."

A myriad of emotions crossed Asher's face at my confession. Shock, anger, regret. His shoulders slumped, and he looked contrite. "Thank you for telling me that. I can turn it off. But honestly, I'd feel better leaving it on until after all this with Edward settles down. I promise I won't use it unless I need to."

It wasn't a terrible suggestion to leave the phone's tracking on until this mess was behind me, as a safety precaution. Even if a part of me still balked at the idea, I needed to trust Asher. Nodding, I agreed. "Until it's over. Then I'm getting my own plan. I'm thirty years old, I don't need my big brother worrying if I'm breaking curfew."

Asher smirked at my lame attempt to make a joke.

"How did it go with Alex?" Asher asked, his tone gentler than it had been, steering the conversation into somewhat neutral territory. We were getting good at changing the subject and not talking about the issues still between us.

Swinging my foot, I scuffed the grass with the toe of my shoe. "He's filing the paperwork needed for Alpha Law. He sent me to a psychiatrist. Said the judge will order it and it will look better when we go to court."

Asher nodded, "Which doctor?"

"Tessa Carpenter," I told him, not meeting his eyes. "She's nice. We talked a long time."

Hours, in fact. And in the end, I had to admit, it had done me a world of good. For the first time in a long time, I felt like there was a small ray of light at the end of my very dark tunnel. But she'd given me a ton to think about, too, and left me looking for answers to some extremely hard questions.

"She's good. I like Tessa." Asher didn't make a move to sit on the bench or move closer. There were only a few inches between us, but it felt like miles.

"She wants…she thinks it would be good…at some point…" Fuck, why was it so hard to ask my brother for this one thing? "She thinks you should come to one of my therapy sessions. If you are open to it. You don't have to," I hurriedly tacked on. "Where we can talk about…stuff and have a neutral moderator."

Which we apparently absolutely needed. Asher had jumped straight back into his overbearing, bossy, my-way-is-the-best-way role, and I had reverted back to sullen teenager.

Asher stared hard at me for a minute, and I tried not to squirm under his look, before he softly told me, "If you want me to come, Shay, I'll come. I will always come for you."

"I got a job today." Blurting it out, I changed the subject before the prickly heat in my eyes could turn into something more. Peeking at Asher from beneath my lashes, I watched his face.

"Yeah?" He smiled, beaming, and his approval made something warm flare in my chest. "That's wonderful. Where at?"

"Lo's garage. "

Tessa had sent me to Lo's–a.k.a. Lola Fairchild–with instructions to let Lo know I was one of Tessa's. Whatever that meant. Lo–don't fucking call me Lola if you want me to answer–was what my dad would have described as a salt-of-the-earth omega. She was one tough broad, no-nonsense, and got straight to the point.

She'd stared hard at the fading bruises on my face and neck, her eyes shrewd. "Walk into a door, did ya?"

At my muttered Something like that , she had snorted, relaying, "Yep, I've walked into a few myself. Before I wised up. You wised up, boy?"

Once I had assured her that I had indeed wised up, we spent the next hour talking cars while she showed me around her garage. The smell of oil and grime was familiar and made my hands ache to get to work. At the end of our talk, after proving I knew my way around an engine, she had offered me a job. She was even more than willing to work around my therapy, and upcoming court appointments.

Handing me the name of a local daycare in town with a muttered, "Hard as hell being a single parent. You just let me know about your appointments. Do what you need to do to take care of business and don't you worry about it. I ain't gonna fire ya. Unless ya fuck up an engine or start doing shady shit. You ain't gonna do no shady shit, are ya?"

When I had assured her I wasn't planning to do any shady shit, she had told me to come back a week from Monday and be ready to get my hands greasy. It had felt amazing being back in a shop, the sights and smells so familiar, even after all this time. Lo's had reminded me so much of my dad's garage, that I had been hit with a sharp pang of longing and regret as soon as I had walked through the door .

"I'm excited," I admitted to Asher, a little shyly. Then reminded myself there was nothing wrong with me being excited and showing it.

Asher nodded, "You were always amazing with engines. A natural. I'm glad you found something so fast."

Well, I probably wouldn't have found Lo's without Tessa's help, and today felt like information overload, and being passed from one person to the next. It was overwhelming and a bit mind-blowing, but I had accomplished a ton of things.

"Tessa gave me homework." Which I figured would be good practice for when I had actual homework, since I planned on studying for, and taking, the G.E.D. test to get my high school diploma.

"Yeah," Asher raised a brow, "what kind of homework?"

Instead of answering and telling my brother that I was supposed to name five things I liked about myself and five things I didn't, I asked a question that had haunted me for years. "Tell me about dad's accident."

Might as well just kick the hornet's nest.

Asher's lips pursed together, and he gave a small shrug, though the tenseness in his shoulders said the gesture was anything but relaxed. "Does it matter?"

"Yes, it fucking matters," I growled, annoyed. "I want to know. All the paper said was that there was a workplace accident. What the fuck does that even mean? He was a mechanic, for fucks sake."

"He was working on his truck and the jack fell." Asher looked away from me as he said the quiet words. "The truck fell on him and crushed his chest. It was just a freak accident."

His words washed over me, while my brain tried to make sense of them. Emotions slammed into me from all sides. Confusion, regret, and most of all, pain for so many things I couldn't change.

"I should have been there." The ragged words hung in the air between us.

Asher shook his head. "It wouldn't have mattered, Shay."

"I should have been there!" My raised voice caused heads to turn in our direction from the handful of people milling around.

"It wouldn't have mattered," Asher repeated, his words clipped and sharp. "Justin and Miguel were both there and it didn't matter. I saw the M.E.'s report. His chest was crushed. He held on…" Asher's words became strangled, before he swallowed hard, shook himself and seemed to regain his composure. "He held on until they got it off him, and then he was gone pretty quickly. The pressure was–" he closed his eyes, before opening them, "likely the only thing keeping him alive, and when it was gone–"

Asher was a doctor, so he knew more than I did about these things, but that didn't make it any easier. Picturing it in my head, imagining what had happened, was gut-wrenching.

"I could have–" I didn't know what I could have done, honestly.

Made sure he wasn't using his old jack, that I had told him a hundred times needed to be replaced because it had slipped on me more than once. Made sure he used one of the bays, with the fancy hydraulic jacks, that he said didn't give him the same feel as sliding on his back underneath a car.

"You know what you should have done, Shay?" Asher asked me sharply, and before I could open my mouth to form any sort of reply, he said, "You should have shown up at his funeral. You should have let me into that fancy ass house you were living in, behind an iron gate, like you were a fucking princess. "

Flinching from my brother's words, I sucked in air so fast I made some kind of squeaking noise. He might as well have slapped me across the face, because that's what his words felt like.

Asher looked equally angry and horrified at his outburst. Holding a hand towards me, he shook his head, "Shay, I–"

"Don't." Whispering, I shrank back against the bench, "Don't say you didn't mean it. You did. You have a right to say it. Because you're right, I should have been there. I wanted to be there." My voice trailed off, and it hurt to push the words past the lump that had formed in my throat. The tightness of my chest. The fire burning behind my eyes, for the hundredth time that day.

"I couldn't, Ash, I couldn't." The whispered words were barely loud enough for me to hear myself. "You don't understand."

"Then explain it to me," Asher demanded, his dark brown eyes stormy. "Make me understand this one thing. Because I don't. I didn't then, and I don't now. Don't get me wrong, Shay, I'm happy as hell you are here. Back in my life. But I'm mad as hell at you, and I need you to start talking to me. I need you to make all of this–" he spread his arms wide, "I need you to start making it make sense for me."

He was right. I owed him that much. Maybe I owed myself that much. I didn't even know anymore. This entire day had been exhausting and emotional. I didn't want to fight with my brother, knowing what I was going to have to deal with later. I had just wanted a few minutes of peace in a quiet place, before I picked up Lucas and we took the first steps to making a new life for ourselves.

But this was Asher. My big brother. If we had any hope of getting past all that had happened, I would need to start talking. Maybe not to the entire world, but to him. A little bit, here and there. Maybe once I started telling my story, it would get easier to talk about. Easier to admit the things that had happened. Talking to Tessa had ended up being cathartic and I had felt better afterwards.

"I planned to go to the funeral," my voice was quiet, shaky, and I took a steadying breath before I continued. "Even though I hadn't talked to Dad, or you, in months, I planned to go. To be there. For you, and him. And well, for me. Things were already getting rocky with Edward. He–we'd–lost the baby–" Asher's head jerked up at the mention of a baby, his eyes wide.

That was a story for another time. We'd get there, just not today. "And Edward's moods were all over the place. We fought. About me going to the funeral. And yes, when you came to the gate afterwards, I instructed Albert not to let you in. To say I didn't want to see you."

Asher's lips formed a tight, thin line in his face, but he didn't push me, didn't demand answers. I had always told him he was too bossy, too demanding, wanting everyone to do things his way. I knew it was killing him to stay silent and to just listen.

"It wasn't that I didn't want to see you," I whispered, not able to meet his eyes any longer. Instead, I focused on the merry-go-round that I could barely see in the distance. It spun around, faster and faster, until it and its occupants were just a blur of colors. I kind of felt like that merry-go-round at that moment, spinning out of control, my colors all blurry. "I didn't want you to see me."

Blinking rapidly, I tried to stop the tears from escaping out of my eyes, over my lashes. But like most times today, I failed miserably, and swiped at them angrily. Goddess, I was sick to death of crying today. It was exhausting. "I didn't want you to see me with two black eyes and a nearly broken jaw." Shaking my head, jaw clenched, I whispered, "I couldn't let you see me like that."

It was out there now, and I couldn't take the truth back.

In fascination, I watched as all the air left Asher's body at once, and he nearly crumpled onto the seat next to me. His arm snaked out, wrapping around my shoulders as he pulled me into him tightly. His hand stroked my hair, and for the first time in longer than I could remember, I cried into my brother's shoulder. He held me, his arms tight and safe, like they always had been, and whispered words I didn't even try to make sense of.

Finally, when I had nothing left inside, no more tears, I pulled away from him. His own face was wet, and he looked wrecked by my admission.

"I would have taken you with me, Shay," he whispered, his arm still around my shoulders. He pressed his forehead to mine, like we used to do when we were kids, and I closed my eyes against the memories that swarmed me like a hive of angry bees. "I would have taken you out of there."

"I wouldn't have gone, Ash," I whispered, knowing it was the truth and hating myself for it. Not sure I would ever be able to explain it to him. "It wouldn't have mattered what you would have said, I wouldn't have gone. Probably would have just gotten angry and kicked you out."

It was the truth and I needed him to know it. Like him telling me it wouldn't have mattered if I had been there the day of our dad's accident; I knew I wouldn't have left that day with Asher.

"Why, Shay? Why did you stay then?"

He looked so hurt and confused, and angry. But now I knew that anger wasn't aimed in my direction, but likely at Edward and the situation. Asher might have been an omega, but he had never stood for anyone hurting his little brother. Even when I was old enough to take care of myself.

"Because I loved him," I whispered. It was the simple, honest truth. "I loved him, Ash."

We broke apart then, and I let him mull that over for a minute. I didn't know if he would understand it. Sometimes I didn't understand it myself. How could I have loved someone who treated me the way Edward had? I wasn't sure I even understood it now. My hope was that Tessa might be able to help me make sense of all my confusing feelings. To help me understand myself better.

"Do you…are you planning…?" Asher's sentence trailed off, unfinished, but I understood what he was trying to ask.

Shaking my head, I clasped my hands tightly in my lap, squeezing my fingers together. It was something I did when I was anxious, as I found it helped ground me.

"I'm not going back to him. I'm pressing charges against Edward. For assault. And Alex is filing for a restraining order. The downside is that all the court papers will have my address on them. But with the restraining order he can't do anything."

"That couldn't have been an easy decision," Asher finally said. "But Shay, that restraining order is just a piece of paper. Just please be careful."

"I will, but I really don't think he will come here. He doesn't even have to show up to the hearing on the Alpha Law, though I'm sure he will make an appearance with his lawyers."

It would be just like Edward to make some kind of dramatic court entrance, but I didn't think he was stupid enough to defy a restraining order. "He has to know we are done."

We sat in silence for another few minutes, each lost in our own thoughts, when I blurted out, "I slept with Bennett. "

I really had no idea why I decided to randomly tell Asher that, but well, there the words were. Just falling out of my mouth like it was nothing weird.

Asher blinked hard, turning to me with an odd look on his face. "Um…that is…unexpected."

"He's my fated mate." And the blurting just continued. "I mean, we're fated mates. Bennett and me." I rambled. "Both of us. Together."

Stop talking, Shay , my tiger sighed heavily in my ear, clearly annoyed with my sudden desire to overshare.

Asher chuckled, "I get what it means. Gabe and I are fated, so I get it. The…feelings. Sometimes things just…happen." Pointing a finger in the direction of my mate bite scar, he asked, "You plan on doing something about that?"

Nodding briskly, I muttered, "As soon as I can. I need to find a doctor that can break what's left of our bond. Edward and I haven't been true mates since before Lucas was born." Sighing heavily, I admitted, "I haven't shifted since before Lucas was born."

Frowning, I didn't like to think back on that night, the night that had caused my tiger to leave me.

Asher's eyes were huge, "Shay, what the hell?! That's not healthy! We need to get that taken care of." He waved a hand towards my neck. "I know a doctor that specializes in breaking mate bonds. And maybe Tessa can help with the shifting? Fuck," he ran both his hands through his hair, rumpling the blond strands wildly.

"Ash, calm down."

It was weird and sweet to have someone actually give a fuck about my well-being, but me not being able to shift wasn't that dire. I mean, it had been seven years already, and I was fine. Relatively speaking. My not-fineness had nothing to do with my inability to shift anyway. "It's the least of my problems to deal with on a very long list of problems. Anyway, back to Bennett and me."

Asher looked at me hard, "Is there a Bennett and you? Because…it just seems like not the best timing, is all."

Understatement of the century.

"I…really like him," I admitted. "I feel something for him, something strong. Maybe too strong and too quickly? I know we're fated, but it feels a little like how Edward and I started. And I'm not sure I trust it. No," I shook my head, "that's not what I mean. I'm not sure I trust me . My feelings. I fell hard and fast once before, and I fell straight into hell." Fiddling with the invisible string on my jeans that I had played with all day, I sighed. "I don't trust myself, and I don't want any of the mess of my life to touch Bennett. I feel like a selfish asshole for feeling this way. Because he's so good, and kind, and wonderful, and he deserves a hell of a lot better than me. And I'm going to hurt him, and I've been sitting here trying to figure out how not to do that, but I don't think I can."

Well, when I decided to finally open my mouth, I went all in.

Asher looked off into the distance for a few seconds, before offering, "I'm not sure I can give you any good advice other than just be honest with him. Even if it hurts him."

That's what I was afraid of.