21. Chapter Twenty-One

Chapter Twenty-One

Bennett

As late afternoon moved into early evening, with still no sign of Shay, the more a feeling of dread consumed me. There was an ache in the back of my throat I couldn't get rid of, probably from me silently gritting my teeth.

As the clock approached five p.m., I tried to keep Lucas occupied. We had planted the flowers out front, and Lucas had enjoyed getting dirty. He seemed to like being helpful and being shown how to do things. Once we cleaned up, we'd puttered around the house, doing odds and ends things that needed done. Laundry, dusting, and packing his things to take next door.

When five became six, and both our stomachs growled loudly, I finally decided to call Shay's cell phone. I had been trying to give him space after the weirdness of the morning and didn't want to bother him. He had let me know he had a few more things he'd needed to take care of after his appointment with Alex, but that was well before noon. Worry was setting in, even though I told myself I shouldn't worry.

"When is Daddy coming home?" Lucas asked, as we finished reading one of his library books. He was all packed, his things sitting by my front door. Each time my eyes fell on his backpack and the bags containing his new toys and clothes, my stomach roiled, cold dread filling me.

"I'm going to call him and see how long he's going to be." Assuring him with a smile I hoped looked genuine, I dialed Shay's cell. "Then we'll order the pizza. I don't know about you, but I'm starving."

Lucas rubbed his tummy. "Me too."

On the third ring, I heard a vehicle pulling into the drive and Lucas raced to the front window. "Daddy's home! And Uncle Asher is here too."

"Great, we'll see how hungry everyone is so we can order enough pizza." The uncertainty and wariness I had been feeling returned tenfold, when Shay came in, followed closely by Asher. They both looked grim, tension radiating from their tight muscles.

Lucas ran to Shay, and Shay bent down to catch the running boy, hugging him tightly to his chest. His blue eyes, dimmed of their light, caught on mine and held. The air was thick with nerves, and my heart pounded, wondering what was to come. Nothing good.

Had it gone badly at the lawyer's? Was Edward going to be able to take Lucas? Or was this feeling something else? Something to do with what had happened between Shay and me last night ?

Shay deposited Lucas back on his feet, his smile faint and slightly forced.

"We were just going to order the pizza," my voice was way more cheerful than I felt, and I almost winced at the sound of it. "Asher, would you and Gabe and the boys like to join us?"

The Pierce brothers exchanged a silent look and my stomach dropped straight down to my toes. I wasn't sure what was about to happen, but I knew I wasn't going to like it. Not one little bit.

"We can get whatever toppings you want," Lucas assured his uncle, oblivious to the obvious tension hanging between the adults in the room. "'Cept them little fishies. None of those, please. And no pineapple." He wrinkled his nose. "Pineapple is gross cooked."

Asher smiled down at his nephew, a genuine smile, and ruffled his dark hair. "I don't like either of those, so your pizza is safe. But we invited you and your dad to have dinner with us at the diner tonight. Then we can get you settled in your new house. How does that sound?"

"Yay!" Lucas shouted his approval, jumping up and down, while I tried to keep my face composed. It felt like my face was contorted into some kind of maniacal smile, not unlike the Joker's in Batman .

Asher picked up Lucas's backpack, and the other bags, and my heart beat so loud in my ears it drowned out all the other noise in the room. Why did it feel like someone was taking my child? He's not your child, Bennett , I silently reminded myself.

Ours , my wolf howled mournfully, mate. Pup. Ours.

Shay and I continued our silent stare off, neither of us speaking. Trying to keep myself calm, I wrapped my arms tightly around my stomach .

"Asher invited us to have dinner with them," Shay repeated, as if I hadn't heard Asher. "I think it's a good idea for us to spend some time with him and Gabe. And the twins."

Blinking back the hot sting of tears burning my eyes, my smile wobbled, even as I nodded in agreement. "Of course. Yes, you should."

"Bennett, you can come too," Lucas declared cheerfully, and I inhaled sharply at the look of anguish that ghosted across Shay's face before disappearing just as quickly. But he couldn't vanish the despair from his eyes. It was there, staring back at me, hard to miss. "Can't he, Daddy?"

"Not this time, buddy," Shay's thick voice nearly broke, and I closed my eyes tightly before opening them. "Tonight will just be family, and then you can get all your stuff set up in your new room."

Just family .

That simple sentence said so many things and hurt more than it had any right to.

Lucas halted his bouncing around, giving his dad's back a sharp look. Hands planted on his little hips, he declared loudly, "Bennett is family. Just like you said Maria and Albert were."

And just like that my heart broke into a million tiny pieces.

Throat convulsing painfully, I couldn't breathe. I wasn't going to make it through whatever this was.

Smiling tightly at Lucas, voice barely above a whisper, I assured him the best I could. "I think your dad just wants it to be your uncles and cousins and you tonight. We can have pizza some other night. I bet you're excited to have a real room again. You can put all your stuff in it and decorate it any way you want. Won't that be fun?" My voice was fake cheerful, pinched and too high .

"Come tell Bennett goodbye, Lucas, and thank him for everything." Shay ordered quietly, his Adam's apple bobbing. The muscles of his shoulders were rigid, and he hadn't moved from his spot since he had gotten there.

Lucas ran to me, hugging me tightly and burying his face in my middle. Holding him to me, I kissed the top of his head, my eyes squeezed together tightly. Praying the tears didn't escape, so he wouldn't see the hurt in them.

"Thank you, Bennett," Lucas's words vibrated off my stomach. "I love you. I'll come over and see you real soon."

Inhaling sharply, my shoulders squeezed together. My jaw clenched so tight it ached, and I had to bite the inside of my lip to keep myself from crying out. The tears I couldn't stop slid silently down my cheeks, but I refused to look up at Shay. Refused to meet his eyes. "I love you too, Lucas. Be good, okay? You can come over anytime."

The words were true; I had fallen in love with this little boy, and his father, too. In a ridiculously short amount of time. But Lucas had stolen my heart, practically from the first moment in the hospital, and he hadn't given it back.

Lucas, finally catching on that something was happening between the adults in the room, didn't look up at my face, thank the Goddess. Instead, he ran past his dad to his uncle. Asher ushered him out the door, quietly closing it behind him. Through the large picture window, I saw him holding the little boy's hand and walking him across the street to his house.

Swiping angrily at my tears, I turned and hurried into the kitchen, grabbing a paper towel and dabbing at my eyes. Leaning against the counter, I took a couple of deep breaths, trying to steady my nerves, and waited for Shay to follow me .

When he hesitantly appeared in the space between the kitchen and dining room, I quietly asked, "Are you going back to him?"

Shay flinched like I had slapped him. "What? No!" Then more calmly, he repeated, "No, I'm not going back to Edward."

"Oh." My voice was small and quiet. It wasn't unheard of, an abuse victim returning to their abuser. It happened a startling amount of the time. More times than I cared to think about. This might have been easier to take if he had said he was going back to Edward. "But this is good-bye?"

I didn't mean them moving next door and leaving my house. No, this was something more, deeper, permanent.

Shay took a shallow breath, then let it out slowly, and for the first time I noticed he was trembling. "I need to just get this out, and say it, so please, just let me speak. This isn't easy for me, at all, and it's killing me that what I'm going to say is going to hurt you. Because hurting you is the last thing I ever want to do."

"Then don't." I petulantly cried. Knowing I was being unfair, and selfish, and not caring. For once in my life, I wanted to be the selfish one. To demand what I wanted.

Shay's face was gray, and he almost looked exactly like when he had been lying in that hospital bed. His eyes had a haunted look, glistening with moisture, his mouth a grim line. "Please, Bennett. I need you to just listen to me. And then, if you hate me, fine. But I need to get this out."

Sniffing, I nodded my head for him to speak. To say what he had to say. My muscles were so tight, I was afraid if I moved even an inch, they would snap in two.

"I agreed to file charges against Edward for assault and battery, and for a protective order," he began, his voice shaking. "And when Alex asked me if I wanted to do that, honestly, my first thought was no. I just want my son, and my life back. But then I thought, what am I teaching Lucas if I don't file these charges? That it's okay for a person to treat another person the way Edward treated me? For someone who is supposed to love you to hurt you that way? It's not how I want to raise him, to think that any of that is acceptable. I haven't been the best alpha role model for him, but I'm trying to change that. I agreed to the charges, so no, I am not going back to Edward. Ever." His voice was clear and steady on that last word, and I believed him.

Wrapping my arms tightly around my waist again, I hoped it would stop my stomach from heaving up into my throat. My body was trembling, and I hoped the gesture would lessen the shivers.

Shay swallowed hard, clasping his hands tightly in front of him, until his fingers were nearly white. "Alex sent me to Tessa Carpenter today. He thought it would be a good idea for the Alpha Law case. She and I talked for hours."

"She's really good," I whispered, staring at Shay's clenched hands in front of him.

"She is," he agreed quietly, then he made a sound that was sort of a dry laugh. "She gave me homework. And a hell of a lot to think about. I sat in the park for hours before Asher found me, trying to figure some things out."

"Like?" Even as I asked the question, I knew I really didn't want to know the answer. More tears fell from my eyes, and I didn't even try to stop them.

Shay released his hands and rubbed them lightly down his thighs. Over and over, until the sound they made was like an echo in my head. I wanted to shout at him to just spit out whatever it was he was going to say to me. But I doubted I could even get the words passed my tightly locked jaw and throat .

His eyes closed for a brief second, before he looked at me with so much tenderness and regret, my chest flared with physical pain, and I gasped out loud. This must be what an actual broken heart feels like, I thought a bit hysterically. First Lucas and now Shay. The pain merged into numbness, spreading down my body, and I wasn't sure if that was better or worse.

"You weren't in my plans, Bennett, not at all," Shay whispered, his tone slightly desperate. "I didn't plan on meeting my fated mate, and definitely not meeting you. You're so kind. And gentle. And just so very, very good."

"I'm not a fucking saint, Shay," I snapped, hating the way he flinched at my sharp, angry words.

"But you were my savior," he whispered roughly. "And my son's. You saved us, probably more than you even realize or I can ever explain in words. And I'm not just talking about at the hospital or taking us into your home. But in here," he laid a palm across his chest, "you saved us."

"My life is a mess right now," he continued, his voice anguished. "Edward is going to fight the Alpha Law, and it will probably get ugly. He's going to use anything he can against me."

"And you don't want him using me?" I guessed, nodding.

It was a scenario I had seen happen over and over, in cases like his. It happened all the time. Exes using any ammunition they could against the other to make them look bad. I knew this, I did. It was much easier to advise someone to not get involved with a new partner during court cases, when it wasn't happening to you. Because this…this was absolute hell.

Shay shook his head, "It's not just that. Edward and I have been over for a long time. I was window dressing to him. Nothing more than his pretty possession to show off when he chose. And later, to be hidden away unless it served his purpose somehow. But he doesn't fight fair, and he's mean. I don't want him anywhere near you, honestly. I don't want my mess dirtying your life. Tarnishing you."

Shaking my head, I cried, "That's my decision to make, Shay. It's my life."

Shay bowed his head, his shoulders slumped in defeat, before he looked up. Tears were shimmering on his lashes, and I watched as one, then the other, trailed down his pale cheeks. "Bennett, please , please, listen to what I'm going to say. Please, hear me. Because I haven't admitted this to anyone, not really. A bit to Tessa–well, a lot to her–but no one else. Not even Asher. This is so hard for me to say."

Shrugging one shoulder, I scuffed my toe against the tile on the kitchen floor. "Just say it."

His hands were back to clasping each other tightly in front of him, and I wondered if the gesture was to keep them from shaking. "Do you know that old poster, the one with the kitten hanging onto a tree limb by one claw?"

Searching my mind, I nodded, knowing just what he was referring to. "Yeah."

"I feel like that kitten right now. Barely hanging on, with one claw. And the slightest thing, the tiniest little thing, is going to make me lose my grip. I'm at the end of my rope, Bennett. Physically and mentally. When I say I can't handle one more thing. I mean–"

Chest heaving, I rasped, "You mean you can't handle me."

His body was shaking now, and I saw clearly what I hadn't seen before. Or maybe hadn't wanted to. A man, desperately trying to keep himself together.

"Not just you. Anything. I can't take one more thing. Not right now. And I feel weak admitting it." He reached into his front pocket and pulled out a brown prescription bottle, shaking it at me. "These are for anxiety. Panic attacks. Tessa explained it like spoons–"

"Spoon theory," I whispered, nodding.

"I'm out of spoons, Bennett. I feel like I'm going to break, and I can't do that. I can't do that to Lucas. I'm all he has. If I break, he has no one."

It seemed futile to point out he had Asher and Gabe, and me. Shay was used to having very little support system, and I knew it would take more than a week for him to understand and trust that he could ask us for help.

"I think you are the best thing to ever walk into my life, Bennett. I really do. And I want to be with you, with everything inside of me. But honestly, that scares the fuck out of me. Because the only other time I felt this way about someone, it was Edward. And I fell hard and fast, just like I'm falling for you. And it was the worst decision I have ever made. I don't trust that I'm not doing the exact same thing. But it's not just that. Tessa made me realize I don't know who I am or what I truly want. So many things about my adult life have been dictated by Edward, or his family, and the way he has treated me."

He shifted his eyes away, his shoulders slumped. I could practically see him shrinking into himself, trying to disappear. "The way I allowed myself to be treated. I need to figure out who I am. I need to get my life together. Because I'm a mess. I'm a mess, and I am barely hanging on, and I can't deal with whatever is happening between us. I just can't."

He took a deep, hitching breath, and I watched his chest stutter with the effort. "I know we are fated, but I need to figure myself out before we stand any type of a chance to work. Because I have trauma, Bennett. I have triggers, and I have scars you can't see, and that I can't even talk about right now. Anxiety, panic attacks, and nightmares. Tessa thinks I have some P.T.S.D., and she's probably right. But you've given me hope. My tiger is talking to me again, and he's been dormant a very long time. You've given me hope that someday soon, I'll be able to shift again."

My eyes widened at his admission. I had no idea his animal side had abandoned him, and I wondered how long it had been since he had shifted. Hearing he was a tiger intrigued me. I knew Asher was a cheetah and had just assumed that Shay was one also.

"And well," he blushed slightly, rosy color sweeping across his high cheekbones, "you woke other parts of me up, too, that I didn't expect."

He was sobbing now, and I was silently sobbing with him. To see him hurting this way was killing me. More than knowing he was walking away from us, what we might be to one another. I knew admitting any of this had to be so hard for him. "And I can't promise you I will ever be completely healed. But I know…I know if I don't take this time to try to heal, to get past all the ugliness that Edward brought to my life and what he will bring, if I don't figure out a life for Lucas and me–on our own–you and I won't ever stand a chance. I'll end up destroying us. And I don't want to do that."

Sniffling loudly, I couldn't speak. Didn't know what to say. Because I knew, deep down, I knew what he was saying was true.

Giving me a shaky smile through his tears, he whispered, "I want a chance with you, Bennett. More than anything. But for now–right now–I have to let you go. Because I can't fix myself with you there. I just can't. I'm so sorry. I know that makes me a weak asshole. But I have to choose what's best for me, and Lucas, right now. We have to be first. We have to come first. I didn't plan on you, but I'm so grateful that the Goddess put me–us–in your path. I'm so glad she chose me for you. I have to walk away for now, so I can be the alpha you deserve. And I need to clean up the mess I made of my life. On my own."

Slowly he walked towards me, his long legs carrying him to me in two strides. Before I could get my brain to stop spinning from all he had said, his warm lips brushed the barest of kisses against my forehead.

Closing my watery eyes at the touch of his skin against mine, I breathed him in deeply, wanting his scent to be the only thing I could smell. Spicy musk, and fresh earth after a rainstorm.

I wanted to grab onto him, cling to him, cry and beg, and plead. Make any promise he needed to hear for him to stay.

I did none of that.

I didn't stir as I listened to him moving around my house, my bedroom. As I listened to him gathering his things to leave. To leave me.

I kept still, knowing what he said was true. Knowing his being so open and honest had to have been incredibly hard for him. Knowing he had trusted me with all of what he was truly feeling, and knowing I couldn't break that precious trust he had given me.

Then he was gone.

He had moved with purpose through my house, into the bedroom to gather his already packed duffel, and silently exited the front door.

It clicked closed behind him, the sound like a gunshot inside my head. My very soul .

Crumpling at the finality of the sound, I landed in a heap on the kitchen floor. Gasping noisily, my lungs starved for oxygen, the sounds I made were animalistic. Had I stopped breathing the entire time he had been talking?

Time passed in a blur, while I cried and shook, gasping and trying to tell myself that the bottom of my world hadn't just fallen out from beneath me. That I barely knew the man. That it had been exactly one week since Carrie had called me frantic. Seven days. It was nothing. A blip.

Yet, it had changed my entire life.

Crawling on my hands and knees, because I was sure my shaking limbs wouldn't hold me, I somehow managed to make it to my room. Pulling myself onto the bed, I wrapped myself in the top sheet, letting the scents still clinging to the cotton material wash over me.

Sex and Shay. Both of us. Together. Merged into an intoxicating mixture that wound around me.

Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I blindly pressed the button for Seth. I needed my bestie.

"Why the fuck do I always forget to not go to the grocery store on a Friday night," he whined when he answered. "It's like the wild west in here."

My hiccupped sob was my only response.

"B? What the fuck is happening? Are you okay?" he demanded, and all I could do was sob noisily into the phone. There was no way I could possibly speak. If I said it out loud, it made it all real. And I very much wanted to stay cocooned in the sweet-smelling sheet that smelled like Shay, pretending my life hadn't just been ripped to shreds.

"I'm on my way," Seth assured me. "Just tell me if you are hurt. Do I need to call 9-1-1? "

I could hear him running to his car, the sounds of the grocery store fading. Of impatient shoppers, and screaming kids, and the dinging of items being scanned.

"Not…hurt. Not…physically," I finally managed to sob. "He's gone!"

The sound of Seth's car engine roaring to life filled the phone. "Wasn't that the plan? He was moving into Gabe's, right?"

"No!" Wailing, I sounded on the verge of hysterics. "He's gone gone. He doesn't want me."

Okay, I was aware that wasn't exactly what Shay had said, but it was the best I could manage word-wise that Seth would understand right now.

"I'm going to fucking serve him his balls on a plate!" Seth declared sharply, banging his hand against the steering wheel. "I don't give a fat fuck if he is Asher's brother or not. Nobody, and I mean nobody, gets to not want you, Benny. Mofo is going to get taught."

"Seth," gasping, I laugh-cried at my besties fierceness and loyalty, "it wasn't like that. I understand why he's doing it. But it still fucking sucks, big time, and it still fucking hurts."

"Ugh, I hate when you won't let me maim someone for you," Seth sighed into the phone, sounding completely put out. "I'll be there in a few with wine and chocolate."

"And tacos." Because tacos made everything better, even a broken heart.

"Duh, that goes without saying. Love you, B."

"Love you too, Sethy."