19. Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Nineteen

Shay

Dr. Carpenter's office wasn't what I expected. It was located on the first floor of her home, a well-maintained Victorian much like Asher's, only hers was painted a bright, cheery yellow. The front yard boasted tall trees that offered shade in summer, and a cozy swing took up a corner of the wraparound front porch. The house and yard exuded warmth and comfort. Not the clinical space I had expected, with a couch for me to lay on and pour out my soul.

Rubbing my sweaty palms down my thighs, I once again willed my racing heart to slow. This was no time for me to give in to the suffocating feelings wrapped around my chest and throat. Lucas needed me to do this. I needed me to be able to do this. If doing this made me look better to the judge, I would get through this .

The exhaustion that had become a part of me for so long that I barely even noticed it anymore, threatened to suck me down into its abyss. Some days I wanted to just close my eyes, for a minute, and let the world pass me by.

Just get through this, Shay. Then you can rest. One foot in front of the other. One thing checked off the endless list of things you need to do.

Not sure if I should knock, ring the bell, or just walk inside, I startled when the door quietly opened, taking the guessing out of my hands. Flinching at the suddenness of the movement, I hoped the beta woman standing in front of me hadn't noticed.

I hated that I automatically flinched when things startled me. I couldn't even remember when it had started, and even though I knew it was my mind's way of dealing with my environment, it still made me feel weak.

Choosing to act like the sudden movement hadn't taken a year off my life, I stared down at the woman whose sharp brown eyes were giving me the once over. It felt like she was seeing every secret that I didn't want to share, when she finally moved back, waving a hand to welcome me in.

"You must be Shay," she stated matter-of-factly, closing the door behind me. Holding out a hand, I took it, noting her surprisingly firm grasp and handshake. "I'm Tessa. Or Doc Tessa. Tess. Dr. Carpenter." She waved a dismissive hand in the air, "Whatever you're comfortable with, I'm not choosy. Follow me and we'll get started."

Oh, okay then. Dr. Tessa was a let's get straight down to business type. Much like Alex had been.

Taking a deep breath that was forceful enough to move my shoulders clear up to my ears, I slowly followed her into her office .

The room was wall to wall gleaming woodwork and built in bookcases. A massive desk took up space in front of a bay window, along with the requisite couch placed in front of it. Two in fact, facing each other, along with several cushioned armchairs.

Tessa, dressed in jeans and a cheerful pink blouse, dark hair falling down her back, gestured to the seating. "Wherever you're comfortable."

She moved to the desk to pick up a file folder–I was getting a little tired of everyone having folders on me today–and a notebook and pen.

Sinking onto the couch, I perched nervously on the edge, elbows digging into my knees. Tessa took the seat opposite me and smiled warmly. Trying to put me at ease, I was sure, but that ship had sailed and crashed against the rocks. It was all I could do to keep my foot from thumping nervously against the hardwood floor.

"Shay, you don't need to be nervous." Her voice was soothing, I'd give her credit for that. It still did very little to dispel the anxious knots taking up room in my stomach.

"I…I've never been to a shrink before. I'm not sure what to expect," I admitted, trying to relax and failing miserably. "Sorry, is shrink a bad term?"

"It's fine. Lots of people get nervous their first time," she nodded, not bothering to open the file she placed next to her. "I always try to explain what to expect, and hopefully ease their discomfort somewhat. How does that sound?"

Nodding, I sat back a little, until my back hit the cushion of the couch. "Okay."

"As Alex may have explained, the judge who handles family court will, as a standard procedure, require an alpha who has declared Alpha Law to have at least five sessions with me before he makes his final ruling. Having a few already under your belt before the court hearing will work in your favor."

"So, Alex is just getting ahead of the game?" Seemed like a smart plan, and I vaguely recalled him saying something to that effect. Honestly, some of what had happened in his office was still a bit muddled. "I mean, if I already have the five before the court date that's good, right?"

"Pretty much. Alex is nothing if not thorough, and he has an amazing way of seeing all the players on the board, so to speak. Along with an uncanny ability to anticipate what moves the opponents will make and all the outcomes." She tapped her pen against the pad of paper.

"I like to jump right into things," Tessa continued, and I nodded, because that seemed all I was capable of doing today. I felt completely overwhelmed and out of my depth, but I also knew I needed help to navigate all of this. For whatever reason, these people wanted to help me, and I wasn't about to turn them down, even if all of it made me nervous and anxious. "I have some information that Alex sent over. The police and hospital reports."

Did everyone in this town have my police and hospital report?

These people are trying to help us, Shay , my tiger chuffed softly.

"Tell me about the incident that prompted you to leave with your son? The one that made you decide to declare Alpha Law."

Nibbling on my bottom lip, I stared at my hands, the floor, anywhere but at Tessa and her all-seeing eyes. She waited, patiently, for me to respond. Not hurrying me or nudging me along.

When I still hesitated to speak, she sat her notepad aside and leaned towards me. "I want you to know this is a safe place, Shay. Nothing you say to me leaves this room. I will be asked to write a report to submit to the court, but it won't be about anything beyond the circumstances that brought about your decision, unless I feel it's needed. The judge will want to know if you're a fit father and have a stable household. That kind of thing. The only exception to doctor-patient confidentiality is in the event I feel you are going to do harm to yourself or your child. At some point, I will need to speak to…" pausing, she flipped open the file folder and scanned it. "Lucas."

"No!" The word burst from me, forceful and angry, and I shook my head vehemently. "I…no…he's just a child."

To her credit, Tessa didn't seem phased by my outburst. She sat back, smiling her comforting smile. "And you are obviously doing everything in your power to protect him. But I will need to speak to him. That's non-negotiable. Now, tell me about the night you left your mate. Edward, correct?"

"You read the reports. You know that's his name." Why did I sound so belligerent when she was just trying to help me? "Ex mate."

She shrugged, crossing one leg over the other. "What happened that night that was different?"

Swallowing hard, I picked at the denim covering my thigh. The tightness was back in my chest, my throat, choking me. Digging into my pocket, I popped a cough drop in my mouth, with the hope that it would help open up my airways.

Finally, I whispered, "I thought he was going to kill me. I thought, this is it. This is the night he finally does it. I'm not going to wake up. I'm not going to be able to protect Lucas from him."

Remembering the fear I had felt that night–the sheer terror–caused my hands to tremble, and I clasped them together tightly in front of me. Tears that I hadn't even realized had welled in my eyes tumbled over my lashes, leaving a wet trail down my cheeks.

Tessa silently handed me a tissue and I swiped my eyes, embarrassed. "That must have been truly frightening."

"I…" What did I say? Did I continue to lie, like I had for so many years? I was tired of lying. Tired of fighting. Tired of protecting someone who didn't deserve my protection, when he had never offered me the same in return. Tired of being on edge, and stressed, and worried about every single word I said, or move I made. "Yes. It had happened before, but–"

When I didn't finish the sentence, Tessa prompted, "But?"

"This time was different, somehow." Shaking my head, I tried to find the words to explain it to a complete stranger. A person that didn't know me or Edward. "The look in his eyes, the anger I could feel coming off him. It was just different, and I knew that…" my voice faltered, "that if I woke up, we had to leave that night."

Tessa nodded, as if she understood. Maybe she did. I doubted mine was the first story like it she had heard. I was probably just one of many. The only uniqueness to mine was that I was an alpha and not an omega. "People reach their breaking points. The spot where they are just finally done. It's different for every person, where that point is. I think you hit yours that night, Shay."

She was right; I had come to some kind of realization that night. Why it had taken me so long, I couldn't say. I knew that I needed to leave. That I needed to get Lucas out of the hell that our lives had become. But I had thought I'd have more time before setting my plan in motion .

"Do people normally stay in fucked up situations as long as I did? I mean, I put up with it for twelve years. Twelve years! What does that even say about me as a person?" Staring down at my hands, I hung my head, embarrassment flooding my body.

Her eyes held sympathy, but not pity. "Some people stay longer, Shay. Some people never leave. Some people end up dead. And some people get out, and they are able to make new lives for themselves. There is no shame in staying. It doesn't make you a weak person."

I snorted, swiping another tissue to wipe my eyes. "Then what does it say about me? Because it sure feels like I was too weak. Edward is an omega! Smaller than me."

"I've seen the pictures, Shay," she said quietly, then pointed towards my face and neck with her pen. "I can still see the evidence. Edward isn't some weak omega. But this seems to be weighing on you. So, tell me. Why do you think you didn't fight back?"

Instead of answering, all I found myself able to do was shake my head.

"Let's go back," Tessa murmured. "Tell me about when you first met Edward."

"Why?"

"Because most relationships don't start out where we're at. Abusers–"

Fuck, I hated that word. Or maybe I hated hearing that word associated with me.

"Don't start out being abusive. Tell me about the first time you met Edward."

Closing my eyes, I leaned my head back against the couch cushion, and thought about the first time I had seen Edward. When he had walked into the garage and turned my life upside down.

"He was beautiful," I finally said. "Bright and colorful. He was bold and brash, and I had never met anyone like him. He was wild, didn't believe in following rules, and I fell for him before I even knew his name, I think. I wanted to be near him, all the damn time." Opening my eyes, I looked at her. "You're right; in the beginning it was good. Great, in fact. At least, I thought so at the time."

"At the time? You no longer think so?"

"It was all a lie." I gazed out the window over Tessa's shoulder. To the green grass, and the blue sky and sunshine. To her credit, she waited for me to continue. The woman seemed to have an endless amount of patience.

"Edward was an only child." Sighing, I rubbed my hand over my tired face. "His parents had tried a long time to get pregnant before they finally had him. He was spoiled. They were indulgent." Meeting her gaze, I muttered, "They looked the other way at his bad behavior. Bought his way out of situations that most people would be in jail for."

Her eyebrows rose, but still she remained silent, content to let me speak. It was almost a relief to say all this out loud to someone. Anyone.

"I didn't know it at the time, but they had given him an ultimatum to settle down with a mate. They gave him two months to find a suitable mate on his own, or they were going to force him into an arranged mating. One of his alpha father's friends' sons, or something like that. As I came to find out, this was a pattern with them. When they wanted him to behave a certain way–or stop his bad behavior–they would tighten the purse strings and threaten to cut him off. "

"I take it that these ultimatums worked on Edward?"

The short laugh that escaped me held no merriment. "Every time. He was financially dependent on them. Edward partied his way out of two prestigious colleges. The Clark's ‘donations'," I used air quotes when I said the word, "kept it off his record the first time, and he was able to transfer to another school. The second time, Edward was drinking and driving, and he caused a serious accident that cost his parents a pretty penny to cover up and keep him out of jail. He didn't go back to school, and they decided it was time for him to settle down. As if a mate could make him change his behavior. Based on some of the stories Edward told me, college wasn't the first time his parents had bought his way out of trouble. It was an ongoing pattern of bad behavior from him."

Tessa gave me a sardonic smile. "They wanted to find an alpha who could control him."

It was a statement and not a question, and for the first time since I had arrived in her office, I felt myself relax a smidge. Tessa wasn't stupid, and I had a feeling she was very good at her job. Less than fifteen minutes in and she had already seen the Clarks for who they truly were.

"Only he found an alpha he could control." Unclenching my fingers, I shook them to get some feeling back into them. "I can't even blame Edward."

Tessa raised one brow in question. "No? Why not?"

Shrugging, I said, "I was there, wasn't I? I was in the relationship too. It wasn't just Edward. We were both there. I allowed him to treat me the way he did. To manipulate me. To cut me off from my family, my friends. I made those choices. Sure, I'd love to paint Edward as the villain in this story–and he is, don't get me wrong–but I can't pin all of it on him. I was there. I was a part of it. I let it happen. And…" taking a shaky breath, I said, "the truth is I loved him. I loved Edward. I did. So, what does that say about me? How the fuck could I love someone like Edward? He's not a good person. He's an alcoholic, and a drug addict, and he's done some evil things. But I loved him. With everything I had, I loved him. And I stayed. Who does that?"

She stared at me for what felt like minutes, but was probably only seconds, before she quietly remarked, "A lot of people stay, Shay. A lot of people. That doesn't make them bad people. It doesn't make you a bad person."

"What does it make me then?"

She shrugged nonchalantly. "Just a normal person. You're carrying a ton of guilt for things I think you wish you could change. You need to give yourself a break. There is no shame in you having loved Edward. You just laid out three underlying causes of his behavior." Ticking them off her fingers, she listed, "Over-indulgent parents, alcohol, and drugs. I wouldn't be surprised if the more we talk, we uncover a couple more reasons. How old were you when you met Edward?"

Swallowing hard, I rasped, "Barely eighteen."

"You were a kid, Shay. You were an eighteen-year-old kid when you met Edward. How old was he?"

"Twenty-one," I whispered.

"It sounds like you're blaming yourself for decisions you made as an eighteen-year-old that you probably wouldn't make as a thirty-year-old. I know we all want to think we know everything about everything the minute we turn the magical number of eighteen, and oh, look at me, now I'm an adult. But none of us know dick at that age. Period. We're all still dumb kids. You need to give yourself grace. "

"Easier said than done. I did a lot of things I'm not proud of. I pushed my family away. My brother is pissed at me, even though he's helping me. But I know he's still mad about a lot of things. And he should be angry. He has every right to be angry."

"Does he know any of this?"

"Of course not."

"Maybe you should tell him."

My head shot up, my eyes wide at her suggestion, and she held out a placating hand. "It's just a suggestion, and not one you need to do today. You don't even have to tell him everything. But he obviously knows what brought you here, or some of it. If you want to mend the distance between the two of you, I strongly urge you to tell him some of what happened to you. I assume you want to mend things between the two of you."

"I do," I nodded, "I want to fix things between Asher and me. We were always so close, and I ruined it. I ruined our relationship over an omega. Isn't our hour almost up?" My head already felt like a band of tension had a vice around it, tightening with each minute.

"I cleared my schedule today." The small smile that never seemed to leave her lips quirked up at the corners. "We have all the time that you need today, Shay."

Shoulders slumping, my breath escaped with a small "Oh."

"Tell me about that. About your brother and your family growing up. Before Edward."

Changing the subject off of Edward felt like the weight had been lifted from my chest. I found it surprisingly easy to talk about my life before Edward. About my mom, dad, and brother. The house I had grown up in, my dad's shop, even my mom dying .

"I didn't really know what was happening," I whispered, blinking back more tears. "I just knew she was sick. I was too little to really understand it at the time, and I think they all tried to shelter me from it. I was five when she was diagnosed, and I didn't know what breast cancer was. Asher understood more than me and he really tried to protect me. I don't remember thinking that she was going to die. That one day she wouldn't be there. She never acted like anything was wrong, even when she started treatments. She–and my dad–tried to keep everything as normal as possible. Until they couldn't. She fought hard for two years. I don't really remember her anymore. I try to remember her voice, and I can't. Sometimes I get vague memories of something, but I wonder if I really remember it or if it was just Asher and Dad telling me things about her, so I would feel like I had more time with her than I did."

Wow, I hadn't talked–or thought about–my mom in a long time. Not really. But the more Tessa put me at ease with her non-pushy way of getting answers, the easier it became for me to talk about all the things I didn't want to talk about.

"Seven is young," she said, and I realized Lucas was almost seven and just how small he was. If I had died that night–or any other night with Edward–would Lucas even remember me when he was older? "Tell me something you do remember about your mom. A memory that is just yours, not something your family told you about her."

Shaking my head, I started to say, "I don't–" then stopped as a memory surfaced. I hadn't thought about it in so long, I had nearly forgotten it. "Tulips."

"Tulips?"

Nodding, I smiled wistfully. "I remember helping my mom plant tulips along the front of our house. I had to be five or six. I think it was soon after they found the cancer. She had this tool that dug a hole deep enough in the ground for the bulbs. I remember she had these bright green gardening gloves. And she would make the hole and then I would drop the bulbs in. There was a big brown bag of bulbs and she had mixed all the colors together, so we didn't know which ones I was dropping." Closing my eyes, I dug deep into my memory, trying to recall the details of that day.

"I remember she smiled up at me, and she said something like these flowers are going to come up every year, for years and years. And for me to think about her each year they bloomed. And I did. Every time those flowers bloomed in the Spring, I always thought of her. Tulips always make me think of her."

"That's a beautiful memory." Tessa's eyes were shining, her voice soft.

"I haven't thought about that in forever," I admitted, feeling wrung out. Today had been a lot mentally, and I was barely on my feet physically. There was something about Tessa that made it easier than I had expected to open up to her.

"Now," she turned sharp eyes to me, "tell me about Edward and how you became mated."

Which was how I found myself telling her about Edward and the first wild weeks we spent together. How after just a few weeks together, he had told me we were pregnant, and we needed to be mated. Saying it all out loud, facing my feelings about it all had me feeling like I was barely holding it together.