Chapter 23

Chapter Twenty-Three

Alexander

I t hurt to see her.

Despite our breakup, I had still gone to the shop twice that week to finalize the lighting and the music for the windows. I’d worked in silence, headphones on, ignoring even the Book Bitches’ attempts at getting me to chat. I had agreed to help, and I wasn’t going back on my word, but I couldn’t handle anything more.

I had to force myself not to drink in the sight of her, like a hungry man craving a meal, and did my best to focus on the task at hand. It was our last window, and after that I wouldn’t have any reason to go to the shop at all.

I could buy my books elsewhere. It wasn’t a big deal .

The final judging was today.

And I was home, with Tattie, sitting under the lean-to in his pen, while icy wind prickled my skin. I enjoyed the sting of it, because at the very least it made me feel something. I’d been existing in a cocoon of numbness since my argument with Rosie, focusing so narrowly on every task I needed to accomplish for end-of-year projects and grading at work, that I’d kept myself from feeling anything at all.

Now, as I knew everyone would be at the shop for the final window judging, and I sat here alone with Tattie, I couldn’t help but feel it all.

I was lonely.

Tattie hopped over and pecked at my shoelace, a new favorite activity of his. I never tried to approach him, but let him come to me as he was comfortable, and I realized that he was likely quite lonely too. Puffins were social animals, they mated for life, and they returned each year to not just their partners, but to where their parents lived. I wondered if Tattie’s family missed him. I had no way of knowing where his burrow was or where he’d come from, so all I could do was give him the best life possible.

I wondered if he missed Rosie too.

Because I absolutely miss the light and laughter and joy she brought to my life.

I hadn’t expected these feelings to arise, and I put the blame squarely on Rosie’s shoulders.

Whether it was fair or not.

But I’d been happy before she’d come along. I’d liked my peaceful life and then she’d barreled into my world, all laughter and snark, and my world had gone from black and white to full color.

Tattie tugged at my lace.

“It’s not food,” I said and opened a packet of fresh herring for him that I’d brought out with me. Tattie hopped over, watching me as I filled his little toy tray that he loved, and then I handed it over to him. Delighted, he dove in, digging among the sand and pebbles for the fish. It was Tattie’s favorite enrichment exercise, and Rosie had given that to him.

Rosie might be my favorite enrichment exercise.

Groaning, I buried my face in my hands. I had been right to not start dating again. It wasn’t worth these complicated feelings.

My phone buzzed in my pocket and reaching in, I pulled it out, surprised to see my ex-wife calling. I almost didn’t answer, but since she rarely contacted me anymore, I figured it might be something important. I also knew she’d keep calling until she got what she wanted, so best to just get it out of the way.

“Aye?” I answered, letting my head drop back against the wood, my eyes trained on the line where the slate-blue water met the misty gray sky.

“Alexander. Hello, how are you?” Tara asked.

I felt nothing when I heard her voice now. This woman, who I used to spend hours agonizing over pleasing, now elicited very little response from me. It was a good confirmation, even if it was a small win in the big scheme of things, but the last time we’d spoken over a year ago, I’d still held anger toward her .

Now I was just disinterested.

“I’m just fine. What do you need, Tara?”

“You don’t have to be so short with me,” Tara grumbled into the phone.

I sighed, rolling my eyes, and Tattie, seeming to understand I was frustrated, abandoned his toy to hop over to me. This time he pecked at my trousers, and I grinned at him, amused at his antics.

“You don’t get my time anymore,” I said, knowing that simple and direct was always best with her.

“Ugh, why do you make this so difficult? I was calling to apologize and I’m not sure I even want to anymore.”

At one time, I’d wanted an apology from her, but now it didn’t seem to much matter. It was amazing how time and some good self-help books had changed my perspective on things.

“Okay,” I said.

Tara let out a wee keening note of frustration.

“You make things so hard. You don’t have to be so black and white all the time,” Tara seethed.

Was I black and white all the time? I guess I was. That was just how my brain worked. It was what made me a good engineer.

But maybe the rest of the world didn’t work that way.

It would explain why I often bumped up against miscommunications or awkwardness in social situations .

“Fine, whatever.” Tara blew out a breath, continuing on. “I’m in therapy now. And my therapist suggested that maybe I needed to apologize to you before I moved forward. So, I’m sorry.”

“For what, specifically?” I asked, wondering if she really understood how outlandish her behavior had been.

“For lying to you. For cheating on you. For not appreciating what I had.”

She’d appreciated me? That was new information.

“Thank you,” I said, not sure what else to say. None of this mattered anymore.

“Don’t you want to see me?”

“I thought you were dating someone else.” Ah, it was making more sense why she’d called now. Tara had never been good with being alone. She was looking for a quick fix, someone to get her off, before she moved on to her next target.

“We broke up.” Tara waited and when I didn’t say anything else, because frankly, I didn’t really care, she sighed heavily into the speaker.

“Don’t you have something to say to me?” Tara demanded.

“You want an apology from me?” I asked, incredulous. Tattie pecked extra hard at my leg as though he agreed with me.

“Or forgiveness would work too, you know.” Tara huffed on the other end of the line.

“Tara. I don’t owe you anything anymore. Not an apology, not forgiveness, nor frankly, even my time.” With that, I hung up and pocketed my phone, ignoring when it buzzed in my pocket again. Tattie looked up at me, and I smiled down at him and held my hand flat on the ground.

When he hopped in it, my heart lifted.

“It’s just us, mate. But I’ll take care of you. I promise.”

Tattie tilted his head back and forth at my words and then seeming to come to whatever conclusion he needed to in his head, he hopped off and bounced back to his toy, digging for more fish.

Tara’s call hadn’t upset me, but she had given me something to think about.

Was I really too black and white when it came to relationships? Maybe I was trying to slot emotions into neat little boxes like computer code, assuming that all things would line up correctly and make sense.

But what made sense in my head, didn’t feel so good in my heart.

I knew that Rosie had hidden something important from me.

But I also knew that I missed her. Desperately.

What I didn’t know was how to align the two things in my mind. I had no code for this, no roadmap, no way of knowing how to resolve the fracture point. And I think, that was the crux of it for me. Without a clear path forward, my brain just kind of shut down, leaving me in this endless loop of uncertainty, my thoughts spinning into nothingness.

There had to be a way forward, but the only way I knew was the one I’d tried last time my heart had been hurting.

Bury myself in work and a new project.

I had Tattie now, and more excuses to build a bigger enrichment area for him. Maybe I would just use that as my project to dive into in order to avoid the discomfort of having no straightforward way through my feelings.

A shimmer of white against the murky gray sky caught my eye and I straightened, my eyes widening.

Gently, so as not to startle Tattie, I eased myself to standing and out of the enclosure, walking across my yard until I stood at the top of a grassy dune overlooking the sea.

The snow buntings had arrived.

A sharp pang of longing hit me, and I blinked at the sky as the birds circled, their song like Christmas bells, a sharp reminder of a woman who had also once brought color and joy to my life. My mother wouldn’t want to see me like this, lonely with an aching heart, especially this close to Christmas. If ever there was a way to honor her, it would be by trying to find a path forward even if I couldn’t see it yet.

I never wanted to feel like a pawn in someone’s relationship game again. Tara had used me as a foil for her exploits, loving the highs and lows and the drama of it all. I hated feeling powerless, like someone was throwing firecrackers at my feet, when all I craved was predictability and a stable foundation with my partner. With Rosie, discovering she had actual magick and was using it to matchmake, well, it had thrown me back into feeling like I was constantly dodging explosions. Though the two women were night and day different, the surprise had led me to withdraw and do the one thing I’d finally prioritized in my life—protecting myself.

When my phone buzzed in my pocket again, I took it out to see a two-word text message from Esther.

She’d gotten my number from someone and had been pestering me incessantly all week, most of which I’d ignored. But I couldn’t ignore this message.

We won!

Tell everyone I said congratulations.

Tell them yourself. We’ll be at the pub later.

But the pub wasn’t where I wanted to see Rosie. I needed to get things straight in my head and have a conversation with her, and I wasn’t about to do it in front of prying eyes.

I can’t tonight. Give everyone my best.

And then I turned off my phone.