CHAPTER 8

C HAPTER 8

Rob hurried outside again and found Anton just closing the cover of his flatbed truck.

"Hey, you haven't got Pen in there somewhere, have you?" Rob asked.

"Nope." Anton jiggled his keys. "I just saw her heading down to the barn."

"The barn?" Rob frowned. "You mean she missed Bernie and Luke leaving?"

"She said goodbye and then snuck out the back while they went out the front." He paused. "She was arguing with her mom earlier."

Rob looked up where the snow was now falling steadily, shielding the emerging moon and the darkness of the skies in a white swirling mist.

"Did she at least have her coat on?" Rob asked.

"Yeah." Anton got into the truck, where Kaitlin was already sitting. "I'll leave her in your hands, Rob. Don't mess this up."

Rob was tired of people saying that to him. He knew he was a screwup. He didn't need everyone pointing it out. It just made him doubt himself even more. He zipped up his jacket, pulled his hat low, and started down to the barn. The wind had picked up and cut across his face with an icy chill that made his teeth chatter. There were lights on in the barn, but that was normal, so he had no way of knowing whether Pen was actually there or not.

He let out a relieved breath as he entered the barn and the scent of warm hay surrounded him. He saw Pen immediately. Despite still wearing her blue, polka dot party dress under her ski jacket, she was leaning on the lower door of the unbroken colt's stall, talking softly to the animal.

Rob already knew that neither Pen nor the horse responded well to loud noises, so he waited until he was close before he cleared his throat. Pen still jumped.

"Hey." Rob kept his tone light. "Your mom asked me to let you know that she and the family were heading out."

"Good," Pen said without turning her head.

"Okay," Rob said cautiously. He leaned against the wall and eyed her profile. It was weird not to see her smiling. "Sally's hoping you'll stay and keep her company. I think she's going to miss Luke not being around."

He wasn't sure how to proceed, but even his stupid brain was flashing a big "with caution" sign.

"I always intended to stay to make sure everything was cleaned up," Pen said.

"That's basically what I told your mom—that you'd be making sure you'd done your job."

She slowly turned to look at him. With a shock he realized she might have been crying. Her smile appeared, then quickly disappeared.

"Thanks for sticking up for me, but I doubt she heard you. She'll never believe I'm capable of anything."

"Then I guess all you can do is keep proving her wrong." Rob held her gaze. "She doesn't get to define who you choose to be."

She looked back at the colt. "It's easy to say that but putting it into practice is hard." She sighed. "It's like she's killing me with kindness."

"I get it. You should come back up to the house. It's getting cold out here."

"I'll be there in a while." She turned toward him. "Are you sure my mom's gone?"

"I saw her drive off. Jake was still arguing with her about leaving you behind."

Her smile returned. "He's always been my hero."

"Some hero." The words were out of Rob's mouth before he realized it. "Hey, can you forget I said that? I'm tired, and my mouth is working faster than my brain."

Pen raised her chin. "I'm not sure I can."

Rob shoved his hands into his pockets and looked skyward. "I don't want to fight with you, okay?"

"Did Jake come and talk to you? Is that why you're mad at him? I told him not to."

"He's your brother. He's got a perfect right to check me out, and to be fair, he had some valid concerns."

Any expression left Pen's face. "You discussed my ‘problems' with my brother? You let him tell you how to deal with me?"

" Hell no," Rob said. "We discussed—"

She talked over him. "And what did you both decide, Rob?"

"Nothing." He frowned at her.

"Let me guess. You decided poor little Pen didn't know her own mind and needed you and her big brother to protect her from the stupidity of her own decisions."

"That's not how it went at all." Rob tried but failed to keep his cool.

"However, it went, Rob, I don't appreciate you going behind my back to buddy up with my brother."

"I didn't." He glared at her now. "We talked about how difficult it is to have an addict in the family."

"And then he warned you off."

"I'm still here, aren't I?"

"Because now you feel sorry for me." Pen turned toward the exit. "Maybe that's what this has been about all the time."

"That's not fair."

"As my mom always tells me, life isn't fair, Rob. I wanted you to see me , not the screwed-up version my family sees."

"I've always seen you, whether I wanted to or not!" Rob said. "Do you think this has been easy? To trust someone and hope she doesn't just feel sorry for an ex-con because she's a good person?"

She started walking away from him. "Maybe we've both been fools."

Rob flinched. She might as well have slapped his face. "I thought you'd be braver than this."

She didn't stop, and he cursed under his breath as she disappeared into the darkness. He kept feeling like he'd missed something—that they hadn't been having the same fight—and he didn't know how to fix it. Not that there was anything to fix. She'd made that very clear. It felt like his heart was snapping into a million icy pieces. He took a couple of deep breaths, checked that everything in the barn was in place, and decided to go to bed.

If Pen wanted to talk to him, she knew where he lived. He stomped back up the hill and unlocked his front door. True to her word, two days ago, Pen had dropped off several throw cushions, a photo she'd taken of Rob and the rest of the café team, and one of her aunt Linda's quilts. She'd been making his house into a home, and he secretly loved it—except now all his doubts had returned, and he'd blown it.

His gaze went to the stack of holiday cards he'd written in a feeble attempt to express his thanks for everything the local community had done for him since he'd arrived lonely and hurting the previous year. He sorted through the envelopes, stopping at the one with Pen's name on it. He hadn't sealed the flap. He took out the card, which showed a paint horse pulling Santa's sleigh.

He sat at the kitchen table and got out his pen. There were things he wanted to say to her that he might never get the opportunity to say out loud again, so he'd write them in the Christmas card and hope she understood how thankful he was to have met her.

After he finished writing, he took out a blank card and studied it for a long while before opening it and uncapping his pen.

To Mom, Dad, and family. Wishing you all the best. Roberto.

He studied the words and added a p.s. along with his cell number.

I am in a good place. Thank you for everything you did for me and I'm sorry for what I put you all through. I appreciate your love and care and wish you nothing but the best.

It was probably too late for the card to make it by Christmas Day, but it would get there eventually. As Pen had pointed out—everything had to start somewhere. And if they didn't choose to acknowledge him, he was cool about that, too. There was no obligation on their side; it was more about him acknowledging the hurt he'd done.

But was it enough? He took out his cell and tapped in the number to his dad's farm office, which he still knew by heart. He swallowed hard as he listened to his mom's recorded voice telling him to leave a message or call back during regular business hours. He almost chickened out, but he pictured Pen's face, and it steadied his nerves.

"Hey, it's Roberto. I just wanted to wish you happy holidays." He paused. "I miss you guys, and one day I hope to have the opportunity to make things right with you—if that's something you'd be okay with."

There was a lot more he wanted to say, but most of it needed to be done face-to-face. He ended the call and checked his messages. There was nothing from Pen, which wasn't surprising. The thought of not having a connection with her made his heart hurt. At some point, when she was willing to talk to him again, he'd apologize, and mean it. He couldn't allow himself to think about what he'd do if she no longer wanted him.

With a sigh, Rob went to take a shower. Today had been . . . a lot. All he could hope for was a better tomorrow.

* * *

Pen walked into the ranch house and immediately burst into tears. Luckily there was no one around to see her so she was able to cry her heart out. She'd never seen Rob so coldly furious. He'd looked as if she'd betrayed him, and that didn't make any sense at all.

"Pen!" Sally came around the corner with her dogs trotting at her heels. "Are you okay? What on earth happened?"

"I think Rob and I have broken up."

"Oh, sweetheart." Sally enveloped her in a hug. "Come and sit down and tell me all about it."

Pen followed her into the family room, which had been miraculously restored to its former purpose. The Christmas tree stood in one corner, and the toy box sat beside it. The only thing remaining from the wedding were the twinkling fairy lights Sally had wanted to keep for the holidays.

"Noah moved the couches back when you were out," Sally remarked as they sat down. "He's very strong."

"Thank goodness." Pen's nose was so stuffed up from crying that she sounded like she had a cold. "I thought I'd have to do it myself."

"You did an amazing job today, sweetie." Sally patted her hand. "Everyone enjoyed themselves immensely, and Luke and Bernie were thrilled to bits."

"Thank you. I had a lot of help."

"I told your parents they should be proud of you."

Pen nodded, not wanting to get into that right now.

"So what's up with you and Rob?"

"He's mad at me."

"Rob? I've never seen him get mad at anyone, especially you."

"It might be because I accused him of listening to my brother warning him off."

Sally was quiet for a few moments.

"Shouldn't you be mad at Jake for interfering?"

"Oh, I'll be talking to him, don't worry."

"Is it possible Rob just listened to Jake to be polite, and that he won't let it affect his judgment?"

Rob's words flashed through Pen's mind. I'm still here, aren't I? Was that what he'd been trying to tell her? Was that why he'd gotten so mad when she'd ignored him?

"I suppose it's possible," Pen said slowly. "Although it doesn't matter now because I've already ruined everything."

"Things can be fixed, sweetie. That's part of having a relationship. And if they can't, you'll only know that after you've been brave and talked things through."

"If Rob will ever talk to me again." Pen bit her lip.

"Pen, that man adores you. He'll listen." Sally patted her shoulder. "Now, it's been a long day. You'll feel much better after a good night's sleep."

A yawn shuddered through Pen, and she stood up. "You're right. I shouldn't have argued with him when I was tired and upset with my mom. It was bound to go badly." She smiled at Sally. "Thanks for listening to me, and I hope you aren't missing Luke too much."

"He'll be back before I know it," Sally said. "I'm just thrilled that he and Bernie have made things work."

Pen kissed Sally's cheek and went to the guest bedroom. She sat on the bed and picked up her phone to text Jake. Sally would probably advise her to leave it until the morning, but she didn't think she'd sleep until she contacted her brother.

Why did you talk to Rob when I specifically asked you not to?

I didn't.

He said you talked.

We did.

Pen scowled at her phone. Was Jake being deliberately annoying? The bouncing bubbles told her he was typing again so she waited.

I met him outside the barn when he was making sure I wasn't a fire hazard. We talked about a lot of things.

Like me.

You came up, but you weren't the focus of our conversation. We mainly talked about addiction and how it hurt people we loved. He's not a bad guy, sis, he's trying to be better just like I am.

Pen considered his words for quite a long while.

So you approve of him?

I didn't say that. He's still an addict and that's never going to be easy to live with.

Kev lives with you.

Kev loves me.

Pen wasn't going to get into that with her brother. She still hadn't told Rob how she felt beyond her usual gibberish, but the amount of hurt she was currently feeling made her think she cared about him a lot.

I didn't tell him to back off, sis, I swear.

I bet you kind of did, Jake. You were just more subtle about it.

He responded with an angel and a shrug emoji which confirmed her suspicions.

I don't want you to have to go through that, Pen. You had enough heartache growing up with me.

Pen took a deep breath.

I think that's up to me, isn't it? I'm no longer a kid and I'm quite capable of making up my own mind—not that it makes much difference because, congrats, Jake, you scared him off anyway.

Pen was just about to put her phone away when he texted back.

Sweetheart, if I put him off that easily, he's not the man for you anyway.

She didn't reply. How could she? There was an element of truth in what he'd written. Jake had a core of steel that had helped him pull himself out of the depths of addiction and make something of his life, and he expected others to do the same.

Pen turned her phone face down. She had to sleep. Tomorrow might not fix all her problems as Sally hoped, but at least it was the fresh start she desperately needed after the ups and downs of the wedding day. She couldn't control what Rob wanted to do, but she could at least clear the air with him and make sure they hadn't been arguing about different things. She'd jumped to the conclusion that Jake had told him to back off, and everything had gone downhill from there.

The least she could do was try to explain and leave it to Rob to decide if he could forgive her. She was just about to get into bed when something else occurred to her. Maybe Rob should be asking for her forgiveness if he'd taken Jake's warning to heart and decided she wasn't worth the risk.

I'm still here, aren't I?

They'd promised each other to be honest, and that was what she would do. What the outcome would be she wasn't sure, but Jake was right about one thing: If she and Rob stood any chance of making it together, they'd have to be brave.