34. July 19th

34

July 19th

S omething falls to the floor, but I focus my attention on the letter.

I fold the letter carefully, setting it on the bed before reaching down and grabbing what fell.

Two tickets to the space center and planetarium.

They fall back to the floor and I pay no mind to Darius as I stumble to the bathroom.

He's there to pull my hair back as I puke into the toilet. He keeps hold of my hair as he reaches over and turns the shower on.

I dry heave a few more times before I finally get myself under control.

"My stupid. Ignorant. White knight. Brother." I throw the words into the porcelain below. I wipe my mouth and flush the toilet.

I need a shower.

I don't want to be alone.

"Will you stay?"

Darius looks unsure for a moment before offering a curt nod.

He pushes himself up and onto the counter crossing his legs. His heels swinging back and forth and tapping against the wooden drawers below. The noise is oddly cathartic.

"Eyes shut please." I trust him to not peek, but even if he does, he's seen me half naked before. I turn away from him and strip, stepping into the steaming shower, and shutting the curtain. I can't see him through it, just his outline.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

The rhythm of his feet against the drawers continues.

"He knew he was going to die," I state into the shower head.

"He suspected." Darius voice is calm, soothing.

"Why didn't you stop him?" It's not a fair question.

"Just like we can stop you?" Darius laughs humorlessly. "Besides that, Tripp was just as bad."

"When did this all start?" The water is turning my skin red, but I pay it no mind. I need to cleanse.

"When Axel went to jail. Mark, he—" Darius pauses, I can tell he doesn't want to continue, even the tapping of his feet stops.

I finish washing my hair, I watch the soap as it goes down the drain.

"I need to know."

"Carrie. She was raped. By Mark. Carrie didn't even remember any of it happening. Auggie let her believe it was them hooking up, but it ruined their relationship."

I should have expected it, but I don't. The words shock me so fully that I somehow lose my footing, but before I can fall backwards, Darius is jumping forward and catching us.

The sound of us, tumbling echoes around the bathroom.

It isn't long before I hear stomping outside, in my bedroom. Before I can even gather myself to scream to stop, Axel is marching his way into the room.

"You clumsy fucking girl. Stop falling in bathtubs." This time the déjà vu makes sense when he yanks me up and off of Darius.

"I'm good," Darius groans softly. "Not that you asked." He's wrapped in the shower curtain half soaked and sprawled on the tub.

"I don't fucking care. You were supposed to wait." Axel begins examining me, his hands on my shoulders as he checks me up and down and I take this moment to remember that I am stark naked.

"Fuck, you're too fucking beautiful for your own good. You look like an innocent angel, but you're not, are you?" Axel's eyes darken and his fingers on my shoulders begin to stroke circles across my skin. "I heard what Darius made you do, and I'm jealous. I can't wait to make you cum all over my fingers. My face. My cock ." Other than my cheeks heating, I don't have time to react; he drags me forward, pressing me into him.

My nipples meet leather. My thighs, scratchy jeans. I don't realize I'm panting, until I hear him chuckling in my ear.

"You like that, don't you?"

"Axel," Darius warns. I hear him getting up behind us, but I am captivated in Axel's attention.

"Hmmm, I just want a little taste."

I gulp, but don't move.

"She's not ready. She just read the letter."

The words are a bucket of iced root beer. Sticky, distracting, uncomfortable.

Axel grumbles but lets me go. He reaches behind me and grabs a towel. I allow him to secure it in place.

"Come on, you need to get dressed. Grayson won't like this." Axel pushes me out of the bathroom.

"No, he certainly won't." Grayson leans against the door frame of my bedroom, he takes up the entirety of it.

Before, he was in shorts and a T-shirt, but now in a long sleeve and sweats. I can no longer make out any visible injuries. But I know that they're there. Maybe I didn't make them, but I was the cause.

"Grayson, I'm sorry." I am incredibly full of useless apologies.

"Put some clothes on Sunday." The anger in his voice is palpable and I suddenly find it exceptionally difficult to swallow.

I separate from Axel and make it to the closet, changing quickly.

I can hear bits and pieces about the letter, but they're whispering and go quiet as soon as I step back out.

Suddenly, again, everything is too much. I feel suffocated by the three men staring at me.

Do they even want me here?

Or was it the last stupid wish of my idiotic brother.

I move past Axel and go to the window in a trance. I don't even realize I'm sliding it up and pulling myself onto the roof until I feel the pressure of hands on my hips, helping to push me to the flat part of the roof. I almost stumble, but the security of his hands keeps me safe.

"Easy, you're too clumsy for this shit."

Why Axel is the one they sent after me, I don't understand.

"Grayson tried to strong arm me up here, but the ass is in more pain than he lets on."

The shingles aren't exactly comfortable as I ease my way into a sitting position, but I don't care.

Axel shoulders out of his leather jacket and lays it on the roof behind us. "Come here."

He doesn't wait for me, yanking me down and against his side.

"I miss them."

Axel breathes in and out a few times and I turn to watch him. "I know. It's so hard to remember that it's not their fault, but I can't help but to be angry. To blame them for all of this." I can tell his words hold a deeper meaning. Like he isn't talking about their deaths but something else entirely that I am not privy to. It's in the way he watches me with his intense vibrant eyes, in the cruel curl of his lips, in his ruthless tone.

I know better than to question him. I look away, focusing my attention on the sky above.

The stars are especially bright and distracting. I don't react to his words. To what he is saying or what he is hiding from me. Instead, I lift a hand and trace different constellations with my finger. Allowing myself a moment of peace. I start with the Gemini constellation, my birth sign, then once I have it sketched, I move to the Leo.

"The lion," I murmur.

Axel chuckles softly. "That's the only one I used to know, but I've learned a lot." The words yet again seem to hold a deeper meaning, but I continue the Leo's path.

Once complete, I twist to Axel. "You, Tripp, and my brother are all Leos. Lions."

"You know what happens to a lion in a cage?" Axel shoots back at me, rolling on his side to fully face me. The air between us is charged. Static. Electric. His hand moves gently to my cheek. He presses his lips to mine in a hot searing kiss before pulling away. "They break."

"You're not broken," I bite the words at him. He's not.

Axel rolls onto his back, ending the moment. "Aren't I?" He snorts caustically and the next thing I know he is reaching over and yanking me onto him.

I am so used to being manhandled by these men I don't make any noise as I find my balance. My hands and knees are no longer protected by the leather jacket and they dig into the sharp shingles as I hover over Axel. My eyes go to his. He's not crying, but the glassiness is evidence of his pain.

His strong hands come up, one caresses the bottom of my ass in slow strokes, the other finds my neck, pulling us closer together. "Only a broken monster would covet such a beautiful creature. You know I haven't said it to you in so many words, but I love you, Little Lamb. I will for however many lifetimes I can."

His words are a slap to the face. "I—I—" I stutter out. I don't know what to say. "We still barely know each other."

Axel hums in annoyance. "You know more about me than any other living person. That includes my brothers. The only one that knew me better was Tripp. But here's the thing, I have watched you for years. But you never lifted your eyes. You never met my gaze. Did you know I was destined to be broken? Did you know there was no saving my soul? Is that why you fell for Tripp?" He tugs me even closer until our noses are touching and I'm forced to close my eyes.

"I didn't know," I whisper out hoarsely. "I thought you all hated me. That's why you were never inviting me around."

"Augustus made us promise. ‘ Don't date my sister you fuckwads, not one of you is good enough for her.' Well, he was partially right, maybe not one of us, but what about us all?"

"What do you mean?" I gulp, trying to escape from him.

The hand on my ass moves a little lower, but it keeps me in place. Desire courses through me.

I shouldn't want Axel.

I shouldn't want Darius.

I shouldn't want Grayson.

This is all so incredibly wrong. I was with their brother. With Axel's twin.

Axel laughs out loud. A sharp bellowing noise that vibrates through me in a delicious fashion. His cock is slowly hardening as we continue this conversation. It pokes me in the belly, and once more, I try to escape his hold.

"No, Sunday. You're done running away. Open your fucking eyes."

They flash open. His typical bright ones are engulfed in darkness. The stars and moon are our only source of light.

"I want to fuck you." The words rush into the air. "Right here, right now. I want to watch you take my dick like I know you can. I want to consume your screams as I push you too far and fill you past the point of comfort. I need it, more than I need this fucking air, or this fucking life. But I am waiting for you to figure out that this is exactly what you want." Axel is glowering at me.

We are still so incredibly close that each inhale I am swallowing more of his words. I am acutely aware of the pain in my palms and knees from the roof, but I pay it no mind. His declaration has caused neediness to be the predominant feeling coursing through my body.

I come to a stark and shocking realization.

I want him to fuck me.

His lips curl into a knowing cruel smile. "But it's not just me. It's Darius and Grayson, too. They both want you. Whether they will admit it to you or not. So Augustus was right–each of us, we could never deserve a woman like you, but the three of us together? I want you to think on it."

He rolls his hips upwards, the friction is exactly where I need it and I let out a raspy moan.

"Soon, when you're ready, I want a repeat of this, but I want my dick to be buried so deep inside of you that it hurts. Because, my Little Lamb, I am going to be the most vicious of us, but I promise you will love every minute of it."

His hand on my ass has made its way to the apex of my thighs. He moves his long fingers until they curl around my cunt, cupping it.

"I can't wait to own this."

I need more.

I try to push into his hand, but he pulls it away and I let out an embarrassing whimper.

"Nuh uh uh, not until you're ready to accept us all. Now, it's time to rejoin my brothers."

I want to argue, to scream and yell, but he's right. I'm not ready for him, for any of this. I'm not convinced Grayson really wants anything to do with me. I'm still a guilty mess filled with anger and grief and sadness.

We carefully make our way back inside the room through the window. I'm not surprised to see that both brothers are still there.

Darius takes me into his arms providing the calming relief I need, he gives both of my cheeks a soft kiss. "Be good, please."

He lets me go, but now I am in Axel's tight hold, being squeezed just to the point of pain. "Think about it." He grabs my ass and pulls me flush to him, pushing his hot lips to mine for just an instant.

"What the fuck?" Grayson's voice cuts into the moment.

Axel's smile is all teeth before he takes Darius by the forearm and drags him out of the room. "You two need to talk . She doesn't think you like her."

My cheeks flush. "I didn't say that."

"Oh, shut the fuck up it was plain as day on your face as I talked about fucking you. About all of us fucking you." Axel doesn't stop, he's out the door with Darius and slamming it behind them before Grayson can let loose his anger.

"Tell me he didn't." Grayson turns on me.

A moment ago he was leaning against my closet door, but now he is stepping into my space. I move backwards until the back of my legs hits the bed. "I know that I am nothing but a nuisance to you. A financial and emotional burden. That I almost got you killed. That it's my fault Darius was hurt. That I'm the reason Auggie and Tripp were killed. That they wouldn't have been here if it weren't for me."

Grayson grouses, "No." He's towering over me now, his large rough hands come up grabbing my arms. "Next you're going to blame yourself for hurricanes and car accidents and murders. None of that is your fault. There are certain strands of fate that are inevitable, whether you tugged on them or not, I would have gotten my ass beat by Maxwell and Mark. The only difference is that you weren't with me when it happened. You were safe. You are safe." His voice is coated in emotion. "And don't you dare call yourself a nuisance. You are the brightest part of our lives. Kind, compassionate, stubborn ."

I'm not sure if he realizes he's shaking me.

An unhinged laugh escapes my throat. "The brightest part? I'm an angry, grief-riddled, guilty idiot. I can't do anything right! Even though we had been growing distant, my best friend has apparently been missing for months, and I didn't even know." My voice pitches, getting louder as the words leave my lips. "You all have been in my orbit for years and I never even looked your way. Never saw the pain you all must be going through."

I stare at Grayson. He is the eldest brother. He is the one that keeps them protected as best he can. Who looks out for him?

"What about you, Grayson? What do you want? Because half the time I didn't think you wanted me around, but then you slept every night in this room with me. Then you risked yourself for me. Then you were always there showing up when I needed you most." I'm no longer furious, but my voice is loud, coated in emotion. "So, tell me Grayson, if nothing else outside this room existed, what would you want?" I scream the words into his face, I may not be angry, but I am annoyed. Irritated. My cheeks heated in frustration.

His grip on my arms tightens. A circus of emotion tumbles in my stomach.

He drops his hold and turns around.

Pain. Rejection. Disappointment. They pound their way through the walls around my heart. The walls I erected the day Tripp and Auggie died.

"You," he speaks the word at the window.

"What?" I snap out. I'm tired of whatever this is. I'm exhausted.

He spins back around ignoring his injuries, launching himself forward. He pushes me back on the mattress. His lips press against mine.

Confusion bubbles up, but the feel of his hands pushing under the fabric of my shirt distracts me.

His mouth is searing as he deepens the kiss. His calloused fingers trace patterns up and down my skin. Axel already wound me up, but this? This is excruciating. I need more. I can't take this anymore.

"Grayson," I pant the word against his lips as he pulls back slowly. I reach up to tangle my hands into his soft hair. He nuzzles his face against mine, the scratchiness of his beard leaving a trail of tingling pleasure.

"I want you, baby girl. But you're too young. I'm twenty-six years old, a grown man that needs to be watching over you. Taking care of you. I shouldn't be doing this ." One hand has made its way inside my bra, his actions at odds with his words, he kneads the nipple, pinching it lightly. "But I can't help myself anymore. You are so vibrant and full of energy. You are the only good that is in my life. I am drawn to you. The first thing I wanted when I woke up was to find you and tell you how I feel. But that isn't right. This isn't right."

The rejection is acid along my skin. I let my eyelids fall until I can barely make out his form. I don't want to hear anymore.

"You aren't understanding." Grayson pushes his lips to mine again, this time he is slow, carefully moving mine against his. The hand in my bra pinches down, hard. I gasp into his mouth. His other hand moves to my hair. He grabs hold of it tenderly. He ends the kiss. I watch as he brings a single curl to his lips, kissing it. "You deserve better than us. But unfortunately for you? We're never going to let you leave. I know I shouldn't want you, baby girl, but that doesn't change the fact that I do."

He kisses me gently on the nose before carefully getting up off of me.

I am in shock. My lips are tingling. My core is throbbing in neediness.

My brain is in emotional turmoil. I don't know how or what I'm supposed to feel, but then my eyes find his pants. Find that his cock has hardened to an impressive length.

It instills confidence as I sit up and reach forward, grabbing hold of Grayson.

There's guilt still thumping its way into my heart, but I accept it. Accept that what I am doing is wrong.

I tug Grayson closer and he lets me. He seems confused by what I'm doing, until I reach my other hand up.

With me sitting on the bed and him standing, his cock is staring me in the face through his pants.

"Sunday," he expels the word. It's a warning.

I don't listen.

Carefully I pull his pants down. They're all that he's wearing, and his hardened cock bobs out.

It's impressive and I begin to second guess what I'm doing, but then I look up and find Grayson watching me. His eyes hooded and coated in lust.

It is heady. To have such a profound man want me.

Carefully, ever so slowly, I open my mouth and guide the tip of his cock in.

"Sunday," he groans my name in appreciation.

I move my head down as far as I can go until the tip is lodged in the very back of my throat, and I do my best to swallow around it. I've never actually done this before, but Grayson's groans of appreciation are guiding my way.

"Suck it down, use your tongue," Grayson growls out.

Following his instructions, I hollow my cheeks and suck, swirling my tongue and bringing my other hand up to cover the area my mouth can't reach.

"Fuck!" Before he let me keep my own pace, but I have set him off. "Fucking tap me if you need me to stop." That's the only warning I get before he grabs the back of my head and wraps his large hands in my hair. I do my best to open my mouth as he proceeds to fuck my throat with ruthless abandon.

My eyes are watering, spit is dribbling down my chin, but above all else, my desire is surging.

Making Grayson lose his cool, having him so engrossed in this moment, giving pleasure to such a solitary man, it isn't enough to make me sporadically come, but it is making me crave more than this.

Grayson grunts when I am just at the point of tapping out. "Take all of this. You better not waste any."

I don't have any time to question his words as his cock pulses in my mouth and warm liquid fills the back of my throat. I do my best to swallow around him, but I gag a bit before he pulls free. A string of his cum falls from my lips. Grayson leans down and wipes it up, pushing it back into my mouth.

"Swallow." The word is a command that I follow.

His finger lingers in my mouth another moment before he slowly removes it. "You're going to ruin me."

I don't understand what he means. I am still processing what has just happened. I am trying to contain the throbbing that is pushing me to go further with Grayson, but I realize I'm not quite ready for that.

The guilt has returned.

Grayson tugs his pants back up and offers me a knowing smile.

"Come here, let's just sit and watch a show. We go at your pace, but yes Sunday, I care about you, more than you know. And I want you, more of you, all of you. Whenever you are ready, but there's no rush." He helps me to readjust into a more comfortable position on the bed, he puts on a movie before joining me.

I still have not processed what just happened so instead, I pivot to what has been on my mind from before. "I opened my gift."

Grayson looks down at me, his eyebrows furrowed together in concern. "I know," he states warily.

"I would like to go with you, when you're feeling better that is. To the space center."

"You would?" For the second time since I have met Grayson, I seemed to have truly shocked him. His voice is pitched and uneven. "You're not going to just run off alone?"

"No?" I ask, confused. While I had thought of that before I went onto the roof, the last few hours changed my mind. "You don't have to if you don't want to, but I thought it could be nice. We could make it a fun day?" My voice is suddenly unsure.

Grayson squeezes me to him. "I would love to go, baby girl. I just didn't expect you to ask me."

"I want to wait a few weeks though." I want to wait until he is fully healed, but I don't add that part out loud.

"Of course." He kisses my forehead, before we both return our attention to the screen. Under the blanket his leg presses against mine, his arms wrap around me, and I fall comfortably into the security and safety that is Grayson.