22. Chapter 22

Chapter twenty-two

“ Y our grace! Your grace! Take a breath!”

Belle? Why did she sound so scared?

“Calathea!”

I felt my head being lifted back slightly, fingers pinching my nose, and then a mouth covered mine, breathing into me. Something pounded on my chest. Hands moved back to my nose, a mouth on mine, and the process repeated until I opened my eyes and expelled water. The burning sensation was back in full force as water was being purged from my body.

I turned on my side and coughed until I started to dry heave. Wait. That was Belle’s voice. I turned back around wildly and stared into Soren’s face.

No no no. She was here! I heard her! I whipped my head around, looking for her. The desperation burned me. I couldn’t have imagined her. She was right here.

Soren pulled my face back to his, frantically searching for something, and when he was satisfied, he slumped back onto the ground, tugging at his hair.

Then someone else was in front of me, anger glistening in those piercing light green eyes. “What the fuck were you thinking!”

I sat there still trying to collect my thoughts before realizing they pulled me from the water.

“Why would you save me?” I said, barely above a whisper. I was still in shock that I was alive and not dead.

My mind was racing. I took a shuddering breath, and something stabbed me. I fell over from the pain, face-first in the mud, hand pressed into my side. That’s right. I had stabbed myself. I brought my hand back up to my face, bloody.

It didn’t work.

How asinine for me to think that even if I had finally found a way out I could succeed.

I screamed once more, pounding the mud next to my face. “Why did you save me!”

“Stop!” Hands encircled mine as they tried to stop me.

“Get off!” I looked over and saw the blade. I must have held onto it when I was in the water.

“You're hurt! Stop!” Callum pleaded.

I kneed him in the balls and pushed him off of me, making a beeline for the blade that I saw out of the corner of my eye. Ignoring the pain from my side, I lunged for it, but someone grabbed my leg just before I could get to it. I turned to find Soren pulling me back. I reared up and kicked him in the face, and he let go immediately, cursing. I paid him no mind as I bounded for the blade again.

I gripped it between my hands, lining it up to my heart, and pressed it in. I gritted my teeth together as the blade broke skin, but I was thwarted again when someone’s entire body pummeled me to the ground. So many hands were trying to get me to let go of the blade, but I hung onto it for as long as I could. I was so close to ending it.

Then someone ripped it from my hands. I looked up to find Bastian tossing it into the middle of the pond.

“NO!” My voice sounded so primal, like an animal.

I tried to use my magic on him, but it wouldn’t come forth. Callum’s entire body was still on top of me, and I fought with everything in me. I used what little strength I had left until Callum was pushed off of me, and Bastian replaced him. He straddled me and pinned my hands wherever they landed next to me.

“I said stop,” Bastian growled with enough force that I stopped my desperate attempt to get away.

We glared at each other briefly before I said, “Are you wanting an audience this time? I don’t think the scholar will appreciate seeing that.”

He ignored my taunt. “You just tried to kill yourself.”

I didn’t respond. We both know what I had tried and failed to do. I didn’t need to confirm it.

He tried again. “Why did you try to kill yourself?”

“You just tossed away the only thing that can kill me.”

“Because we won’t allow you to harm yourself.”

I stared into his eyes and decided on a different tactic. “Think about it, hunter. If you had let me succeed, then you could walk out those front gates as we speak. That’s what you want, right? I promise you that it will work this time. It will still take a while before the effects fade, like last time, but there is still time. Use your hands, and tighten them around my neck. Just do it.”

“Bast…” Callum’s tone was on edge, warning him not to make the wrong decision.

I didn’t pay him any mind and continued staring at Bastian, willing him to listen to me. “Come on, you know you want to. Kill the beast.”

He leaned down until our faces were close. “You wanted me… Now you have me, now and forever.” A mix of sweat and water dripped onto my face; he was soaked.

“Excuse me?”

He leaned back, still pinning my body to the ground. “You heard me. I’m staying.”

I barked out a humorless laugh. “You can’t do that.”

“Yes, I can.”

“No, you can’t.”

“Yes, I can.”

“No, you can’t.” He was about to reiterate that he, in fact, can change his mind when I said instead, “There is no way for you to have suddenly, out of the blue, changed your mind and decided to stay out of your own free will. What is it? Do you want me to beg? Fine. Let me up, and I’ll do just that. I want to die. Don’t you hear me? I want to die!”

His eyes softened, and some emotion I couldn’t quite read crossed his features. “I would have once loved to see that, but not now. Not after everything.” He narrowed his eyes. “You are not going to succeed. I will not allow it.”

“I ordered you to leave these lands! That I would kill you if I ever saw you again—”

“And yet I am still here!” He yelled, cutting me off.

“Because you had to be! Because I had not allowed you to leave until now, so go!”

His expression turned pained. “It may not have seemed like a long time to you, but I have regretted my choice ever since I watched my father ram that blade through you. And now…” He swallowed hard. “Pulling your lifeless body…”

I heard it—the emotion, the shift in his feelings and thoughts, but I just wanted things to end. I was done fighting.

“You only made that decision after you found out what a monster he was. Not because of me. Save your lies.”

He squeezed my wrists even tighter, the pain biting hard enough to make me flinch.

But Soren interrupted us. “Bast, let up, you’re hurting her.”

The moment Soren said that he let go immediately, sitting up. He cursed under his breath as he ran a hand through his hair and whispered, “Fuck it.”

He reached down, pulling me to him, and kissed me. It was desperate and messy. I was so in shock that it took me a moment to wrap my mind around what was happening. I didn’t know if I was too exhausted to fight it, but I hesitantly opened my mouth, then ran my hands up his muscular arms, gripping them like my life depended on it as if I could hang onto this moment.

As if he would help me change my mind.

I melted into his body, reveling in the way our mouths fit perfectly, as much as I didn’t want to admit it. He let me go, still cradling my head in his hands as he leaned back to look at me.

I was at a loss for a moment, but I knew his intention and motive. He was trying to distract me.

“You won’t stop me from ending it.”

“Yes, I will. If you think that I will let you out of my sight for even a moment, you are sorely mistaken.”

“Stop pretending that you care for me.” He was about to say something else when I tried to push him off again and couldn’t help wincing from the wound in my stomach.

Soren said with more conviction, “Off her, Bast. Now. She isn’t going anywhere.”

He reluctantly got up, and I looked around. Soren was sitting on the ground, still holding his nose. Bastian was standing above me, and Callum was nearby, with silent tears running down his face. I heard a noise near the archway and found Emilia standing there with her hand over her mouth, crying.

Finally, the horror settled into me. I tuned out everyone except Emilia, watching her body heave from how heavily she was sobbing. I had almost left her. I promised never to leave her and I’d almost left her.

“Emilia,” I said her name. Tears welled in my eyes until I could no longer see her before me.

She turned and left the scene in a rush.

My skin heated from the concern written over all of their faces. I knew that Bastian would keep his word and wouldn’t leave me, even for a moment. I tried standing to walk back, wanting to chase her down.

Before I could move an inch, as if he read my mind, Bastian scooped me up and into his arms and walked back toward the castle.

I was about to demand he put me down when he cursed and said, “Callum, she’s shivering. Give me your cloak.”

A moment later, I was wrapped in a thick cloak, teeth chattering so hard that I could have chipped a tooth. I had forgotten about the cold.

I choked back the tears, instead needing to focus on Bastian and try one more time. Make them understand that it would be better for everyone if they just let me go.

I looked up at Bastian, ready to plead my case, but what came out instead was, “Emilia saw everything?” I sounded pathetic, but that’s what desperate creatures were.

“Don’t think about it.”

I leaned into his warmth, resting my head on his chest.

We made it back to my chambers in no time, and I saw everyone running around the place. Emilia went to my wardrobe to grab a fresh nightgown, Callum moved swiftly to the bathroom, and Soren walked away to grab the medical kit from another room.

Bastian walked into the bathroom and set me gently on the ground next to the tub. He started peeling off my dress, but I smacked his hand away in protest. I winced again; any movement was intolerable.

“Stop. We need to clean you up so that Soren can tend to your wound. Do you need me to remind you that you currently have no powers? You won’t win.”

He was right, I looked off to the side and hung my hands limply at my sides, allowing him to continue taking off the dress. It wasn’t anything that he hadn't seen before. He lifted me with ease and sat me in the tub. Emilia came into view as I stared out the window. She added an assortment of salts and liquids to the bath, which immediately seeped into my skin and eased the pain.

She came to the side of the tub and I watched her dip a cup into the water, using it to wet my hair. Her movements were light, ensuring that none of it got in my eyes. She didn’t talk to me, and I didn’t try to make conversation.

Why was she still here?

I could see her lathering a liquid in her hands, and then she massaged it into my head. The action was so relaxing and calming that it reminded me of when Mother used to do that to me as a little girl. She would insist that she be the one to do it, even at the handmaid's protests. The memory was so sudden that I began to sob again. For what, I wasn’t sure.

The tears had stopped by the time she had finished with my hair and washed the dirt from my skin. Numb once again, I did my best to separate myself from my body to no avail.

Once she deemed me clean, she looked up to someone and moved out of the way. I could hear someone trying to talk to me, but I was still trying to dissociate from life and ignored the person. Then hands were once again on me, lifting me from the bath and wrapping something around my body. I looked down to see that Emilia was drying me.

She nodded to whoever was holding me up, and then I was being carried into my bedroom fully clothed. When did that happen? I looked up to find that Callum had laid me on my bed. Then Soren came into view, tending to my wounds. I would wince every once in a while when whatever he was doing caused enough pain that I couldn’t stay silent, crying out.

I could barely hear him order, “Callum, hold her shoulders. This is going to hurt.”

Before I could brace myself, he had poured something over my stomach that had me convulsing.

When the pain finally subsided, my head was being lifted as a vial was placed up to my lips.

Callum begged, “Please drink it, your grace.”

I parted my chapped lips and forced the vile liquid down my throat, swallowing all of it. Before I could ask, my eyes started growing heavy, my body relaxing.

I could feel someone press their lips to the top of my head, and I allowed sleep to claim me once again.

I awoke to a searing pain in my side and some of my muscles spasming. I began to panic because I couldn’t remember what happened. Why was I in pain? I searched through my memories, but everything was shrouded in a dense fog.

Everything felt as though it would take immense effort, like I had run for miles on end. I tried to take deep breaths, but every time my chest expanded, the pain followed.

“Calathea?”

Wait. Is that who I think it is? I willed my eyes to open and when I did I had to blink a few times before I could see clearly. I sucked in a fast breath, and it took a moment to fight through the blinding pain. I stifled a sob.

“Father. Mother.” I croaked out. Then when her beautiful little face peeked behind Mother, I sobbed. “Annabelle…”

She was the most beautiful creature that I had ever laid my eyes on. Long auburn hair cascaded down the middle of her back, wild. Her tanned skin was glowing as she sat down next to me, holding my hand.

Father came forward and cupped my cheek gently, cooing, “My dear daughter, you gave us quite a fright. I am so happy to see that you’re awake.” I looked over at Mother, who was silently crying, holding onto Father’s arm.

“I have missed you all so much.”

“We have missed you too, darling,” Mother said. “You have changed so much, yet not at all.”

Belle’s eyes widened. “Tell me, sister, do you still play in the snow?”

I shook my head, my stomach twisted with longing. “Not since you.”

“What about me? Have you missed me as well?”

I glanced over at the voice. “Circe?”

“Hello, Callie.” Circe walked around to the other side of the bed that Father just vacated to make room. She sat down, bent over, and kissed me softly on the forehead just like she did whenever I was ill.

My vision began to blur from tears dripping down my cheek.

I reached up and sobbed, “I am so sorry… Please forgive me.”

Circe looked so confused, her features twisting, and replied in a voice that wasn’t her own, “No, your majesty. It’s Emilia. Bastian, Soren, and Callum are here, too. We are here.”

I ignored her strange words. “Please tell me how to fix it. How do I earn your forgiveness? I will do anything.”

She looked so worried about me. Hope filled my chest as she said, “You did nothing wrong, your grace. It’s Emilia.”

“Emilia?” My head was clearing slightly, but not enough to register what she was saying. “Circe, don’t be silly. I don’t want you upset with me any longer. I am sorry.” Tears continued to stream down my face. “I was just scared. Don’t leave me.” The last three words came out in a sob.

Circe smiled down at me and replied, “I would never leave you. Please, stop crying.” She patted my hand gently. “Get some rest.”

“Yes, you’re right.”

I settled back down as I looked around the room at all of their faces. Everyone I loved was in this room. I tried to stay awake for as long as possible—I never wanted to leave.

But, my eyes grew heavy, and I allowed sleep to take me once more.

I could barely hear someone say, “Emilia said that part of the symptoms of belladonna poisoning is hallucinations. Let’s take our leave.”

There was nothing.

Pure silence.

The same silence that wrapped its barbed blanket around me since that day. I couldn’t show Annabelle how broken I had become, and prayed that she couldn’t see me from Heaven. I was meant to protect and shield her from the cruelty of the world, but I failed.

The anger was instant. Enveloping me in a burning rage that never truly burned out, no matter how hard I tried. My only constant, besides Circe. For centuries, I allowed the pain to control me. And when the pain became too unbearable, I would destroy all that was in my path. Do my best to breathe through the pain of losing my parents, people, sister—my entire world.

Though Belle’s death hit me differently. When she died, I felt as if I had died right alongside her. Nothing was left of me besides pure, undiluted rage. Rage toward Circe. I remember screaming into the world all of the despair I felt at losing such a pure soul. It wasn’t fair that she died, and I was cursed to live in a place that would be a constant reminder of what I allowed to happen. I was so close to her moments ago, that I just wanted it back.

My mind tricked me again, sending me plunging into another memory.

Emilia was young, sitting around the table in the library. I had been reading to her every night to get her to sleep. It always worked in the beginning. She’d slumber for hours and then wake up screaming. Tonight, she couldn’t be swayed back to sleep.

“What is this?” Her voice was hoarse, a breathy gasping thing. She stared down at the tea, steaming and warm in her small hands. She’d only been with me for a month now, and was still hesitant over my orders. It was strange trying to care for her. She was stubborn and small, and so very burdened by the haunting things that happened to her—how she ended up nearly dead in the woods. I shuddered at the image, still burned into my mind. I reached for her hand to steady it, but she retracted it and placed it in her lap.

“I will not touch you,” I told her warmly. “Nobody will touch you again. The tea is lavender…it will calm you. I added some honey.”

A moment of silence passed between us, where she still hesitated, then finally took a small sip. Then another, and another.

“The nightmares will get worse before they get better,” I said, watching her eyes drop to the tea, staring at the honey along the edge of the cup. “The days will get better first. You will feel comfort in the skies, trees, and earth. Nature is very healing.”

Her eyes blinked slowly, and though she said nothing, I knew she was taking it in. “Eventually, you will look forward to the days that the nights will be quicker, less painful.”

“How long will you…” her voice broke a moment. “Keep me?”

My heart ached at the words. “You are free to leave when you wish…should you wish it.”

“I don’t want to,” she mouthed.

“I do not have much,” I reasoned with her. “I cannot give you what your family gave you.”

She shook her head at the mention of it. “No family, not anymore.”

I swallowed and urged her to drink more of the tea. “I don’t have one either. We’re better off without them. If we don’t have anyone to love, we do not have anyone to lose. You see?”

She nodded in understanding.

“I will teach you how to use your hands to communicate with me. I have many books on how, and we shall learn together.”

Another nod.

“When you are strong and ready, you can leave…but not a moment too soon.”

She finished her tea over the next few minutes, and I walked her back to bed, but she stopped me halfway and directed me back to the library. There, on a chaise, she asked to sleep with my father’s worn and tattered blanket. I waited with her, long into the night. She opened her eyes often to check I hadn’t left.

“Sleep, child,” I’d tell her, and she’d drift away again.

I opened my eyes. It was bright enough that I could make out my room. It took all of my energy to turn my head and hiss as I saw Bastian cutting my arm with the same blade that he threw into the pond. My eyes went to his face, but he wasn’t even looking at me, concentrating on his task.

Good. Then he wouldn’t see the pain coming. I dug deep into my body, calling for my powers, but the well was empty. I blanched at the realization, dug deeper trying to find a scrap of it, and came up empty again.

“I told them all to go bathe and change. That was a while ago, so I am sure that they will be back any moment.”

“And you?”

“And me what?”

“Are you going to bathe?” I made a show of sniffing him. “You smell foul.”

He scoffed. “That tongue is as sharp as ever.”

“My wit is the least of your worries.”

He was silent for another few moments before asking, “Still thinking about killing yourself.” He said it more like a statement, already aware of my answer. I loathed how well he knew me.

I narrowed my eyes. “When my powers come back, I will kill you.”

“As you have already declared, but thankfully, you aren’t healed yet. Thus, the murdering and torture will have to wait, and from my calculations, we have about twenty-four hours until that happens.” Then he smirked and waved the blade in front of my face. “Unless I cut you with this blade.” He sighed. “You have no idea how long I had to hold my breath to get it.” He threw the blade up in the air and caught it.

This was all a joke to him.

I gritted my teeth. “I hate you.”

He just widened his mouth and gave me a smile that only Soren had given me so far. “Say it again. I rather missed your voice.”

If only I could move… I would end him in the most unique of ways.

“Why are you still here?”

He adjusted the blade into a sheath that he situated along his hip and then looked back at me. The easygoing smile was gone, replaced by his usual serious expression; only now, instead of hatred lining his features, he simply looked sad. No, ‘devastated’ would be a better word.

“You had a dream.”

I raised an eyebrow at him, curious why the sudden change of topic. “A dream?”

Bast nodded. “You woke up and were speaking to your family and—” He paused as if uncomfortable saying the next part. “Circe. You called Emilia ‘Circe’.”

I stilled. “What exactly was said?”

He cleared his throat and said, “You told your parents and sister that you missed them. Then you started talking to Circe and telling her that you were sorry and that you would do anything to change what had happened. And then—”

“Enough,” I whispered, feeling the pain return to my chest.

They all bore witness. All saw me in such a state, and watched me beg her to forgive me! That was the most absurd part.

“Emilia did say that Belladonna poisoning can cause hallucinations. You haven’t been harmed by the blade in almost a week, so it should be completely out of your system by now. You can rest easy.”

My head throbbed, and my breath came out in rapid succession.

Awe. You dreamed about me, Callie? I’m touched.

I stilled. Circe always reappeared, yet I couldn’t help getting my hopes up each time she was gone for an extended period of time.

“Get out!” I screamed.

I didn’t need Circe’s opinions, and I definitely didn’t need Bastian to stay true to his word and never leave my side again.

I felt like I was, once again, going insane.

We both know that you went insane after the death of your sister.

Don’t talk about her! I screamed, attempting to get my point across.

Touchy touchy.

I didn’t respond to her. She was just a figment of my imagination, after all.

Should we talk about it?

Bastian grasped me by the shoulders and said sternly, “I will not leave. I will never leave you.”

There is a way to die. The hunter brought it to our front door wrapped in a beautiful green package.

Their voices overwhelmed me. I couldn’t focus on both of them at the same time. I needed my venin , but I couldn’t use magic, and I knew he would never give it to me in my current state.

I stared at him as I answered her, That doesn’t matter anymore.

Doesn’t it?

I was hesitant to respond, remembering the peace that washed over me at the thought of everything ending. The pain, grief, fear—everything.

There it is. That flicker of hopelessness and despair. Hold onto that. It’s all you have left.

Bastian and I were staring at each other, not saying a word, but his eyes said everything.

I have people that need my protection, I said.

They don’t need you. You need them. If you went away, then they would all be able to lead normal lives.

Circe quieted down when Bastian took a deep breath, gaining a bit of courage before saying, “I have thought about what I would say to you because I feel as though ‘I am sorry’ isn’t going to be enough.”

He stood up so suddenly that the chair almost flipped back from the force. He then paced to the side of the bed searching for something to say, I suppose. His face was contorting, showcasing how angry he was getting with himself.

I laid there and waited to see what vile lies would spew from his lips while I waited until I gathered enough strength to attack him. The well was still empty.

He stopped the annoying pacing and turned to face me once more. When I focused back on him, I was taken aback by the tears in his eyes. His breathing was ragged, and his hands were balled into fists at his sides.

“Hunter—”

I wasn’t even sure what I was going to say when he pointed a finger at me and commanded, “That word will never cross your lips again!”

“I would be happy to never have that word cross my lips ever again if you would just leave .” My voice was rising, matching his own.

He ran a hand down his face. “This was not how I wanted this conversation to go.”

I ignored him as I strained myself to sit up. I groaned from the pain searing through my body, grasping my side in an attempt to stifle it, when I felt a warm hand helping me. I looked up at him. His face was so close to mine that if I shifted forward, even slightly, our lips would graze.

My cheeks heated when I was suddenly accosted with the memory of him kissing me. I squeezed my eyes shut and pushed him back. I could hardly focus with him so close to me, but bit down the bile that rose up my throat at the sudden movement.

I raised my hand to stop him from coming closer as I caught my breath. “You no longer have a right to put your hands on me.”

He reached his hand out, wishing to comfort me, then thought better of it. Instead, he kneeled low on the floor, rested his hands on his knees with his palms up, and looked me straight in the eyes. “I have regretted my choice since my father came and tried to kill you.”

I shook my head. “Do not try to deceive me with more lies. I remember everything. He may have been the one to stab me, but that pain was nothing compared to that look in your eyes when you held that blade in your hand.”

“You’re right. There are no excuses. I wanted you dead. I wanted to kill you so that my brother and I could go home and put all of this behind us. Put you behind us and move on.” He swallowed, taking a moment. “But, when I saw him touch you. When he talked about—about—” a muscle in his jaw ticked, his eyes darkening. “I wanted to rip him to pieces.”

I remained silent, stubbornly so. I didn’t want to hear it—didn’t believe it. Nobody ever chose me except Circe. And only because I was weak, and begging to be loved. She knew she could twist me around her finger and break me.

“I choose you,” he said.

“It’s too late.”

He shook his head. “I don’t just choose you. I love you.”

I tensed. My jaw slackened as I stared into his eyes to find another lie, but I couldn’t. I was a master at sensing deception, and there was none on his face. I turned away from him, the tears threatening to come back full force and overtake me. I didn’t need him seeing me like this. He couldn’t have picked a worse time to fall in love with me. All I wanted to do was die.

“Go away.”

“Please don’t hide from me.”

Anger pierced me, and I whipped my head back toward him. “All I have done for the past four hundred years is hide. Hide from my pain, from the truth that everything that has happened in my life is my fault, and there is nothing I can do to fix it.” I looked up to the ceiling in an attempt to stop the tears that were now flowing freely down my face. “Do you even comprehend how I have lived my life? The fucking agony of living in this castle all alone!”

“I—” His skin looked pale at everything I was saying to him.

“I am cursed to be alone for all eternity. I lost every single person that ever mattered to me. First, my sister, then my family, and lastly, my entire kingdom in a matter of a few days! Thousands of people who counted on me. Trusted me.” I knew I was saying too much, but I couldn’t stop the words from flowing. “I have not trusted anyone in so long. How could I when the last person I trusted took everything from me? And in the moment when you were wrestling with whether to kill me or not, I realized that I wanted to. I wanted to trust you. I wanted it to be you.”

“It still can be.” He leaned forward.

I shook my head. “You proved to me again that being by myself is the best option. If I never hope for more then I won’t be disappointed when it doesn’t end up working out. And truthfully, it never would have. You are a human, and I am not. You will die one day, and I will not.”

“I don’t care about any of that… If all I have are a few decades left, I want those moments with you.”

“Why can’t you get it through your thick head? You can’t love me. I want you to leave. Just go.”

He got up from the ground, determination now set in his features, and sat down in the chair, pulling it closer to the bed. “My vow to you is to never leave your side ever again. Even in death, I will come back for you. I am yours. Always.”

I rolled onto my side, my back facing him, and tried to process everything he said. Even though I wanted to cast him out, and keep him away, I couldn’t help how those words warmed something in my frozen heart.