23. Chapter 23

Chapter twenty-three

“ Y ou are both insufferable.”

Bastian and Callum had not left my side for one moment. Bastian was the one who carried my salvation with him, who cut me like clockwork every time the chime first sounded at midnight, who kept me weak to keep me alive.

They were talking amongst themselves near the fire, the roar keeping me from hearing their conversation. It wasn’t until they turned and Bastian spoke to Callum that I understood the reason for the secrecy.

“I don’t care what she says or how much she tries to seduce you. You do not give her what she wants. She is on bedrest until she comes to her senses.”

Callum rolled his eyes. “I think you forget that I have been here taking care of her for years.”

“And have spoiled her.”

“I am not going to give her a chance to kill herself,” he insisted, now seemingly annoyed.

He walked over to me, looked me up and down, then settled his gaze back on my face. “I will be right back. Don’t try anything.”

I turned my face away from his, and he left. The moment he was gone, Callum replaced him by sitting on the side of my bed. “I don’t approve of what he did to you, but he has been working hard at trying to earn your forgiveness.”

“I don’t remember asking for it.”

“Just give him a chance.”

“Since when did the two of you become the best of friends?” I glowered.

“Since he was the reason we went to check on you in the first place.”

That caught my attention. “What?”

“He had a gut feeling that something was wrong not long after you left, so we followed the path of blood to the pond where you slipped under. He was the first one in, swimming out to you like his life depended on it. He has been by your side ever since. If it wasn’t for his instincts, you would be dead.” His eyes softened at the thought. “I am forever in his debt.”

I rolled my eyes, tired of hearing how amazing Bastian was. I wanted Callum to focus on more important matters, like fucking me. If I could distract him just long enough…

I pulled the blanket from my body. “Enough about him.” I ran my hand up my thigh, pulling the nightdress with it until I was completely exposed. I saw his eyes darken at the invitation, but he held back per his new master’s orders.

I cupped myself, delicately running my fingers through the slit between my legs up and down. “Come on, little bird,” I brought my fingers up to his face covered in me, “have a taste. It has been so long.”

I knew I almost had him as he leaned his mouth toward my fingers, but pulled back at the last second. “I will not be the reason you die.”

I huffed, exasperated, and tried to reason with him, “Callum, I still have needs. No matter the reason. Are you going to deny me the pleasure? Or yourself, for that matter?”

His gaze ignited the desire within me, and I needed the release that only a thorough fucking could give me. His eyes flicked from my face to my fingers a few times before closing his eyes in an attempt to fight through his own longing. He knew I was right; it had been too long.

He leaned forward and wrapped his lips around my fingers, sucking and licking. He moaned at the taste and was moving forward when we heard someone yell, “I can’t leave you alone with her for even a moment?”

Callum jumped backward, almost falling over from the sudden noise. I turned to find Bastian standing at the door with a steaming bowl of soup in one hand and a glass of something in the other. I looked down to find the blade still strapped to his hip.

Callum moved away from the bed, cursing himself under his breath.

Bastian replaced him and tsked, “You are a sly minx, aren’t you?”

I crossed my arms over my chest. “As I have told my consort, I still have needs.” I was still exposed as I didn’t care about covering myself, hoping that Callum would come back and finish what he started. Bastian looked down and, without another word, covered me with the blanket.

“Now is not the time.”

I wasn’t sure if he was saying that because he cared or was just jealous and didn’t want anyone else touching me. Not that it was his choice at all in who I chose to share a bed with.

“Then when is it going to be the right time? Because sex isn’t something that I can be denied.”

“When you aren’t a danger to yourself or others.”

“I am always a danger to others and just recently myself.” Then I saw my opening and teased. “How about this? Watch us.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Well, that’s the closest that you will get to ever touching me like that again, so you may as well watch since you can’t trust us alone long enough for me to have a proper orgasm.”

He tensed, and I knew that I had him. Unfortunately, the thought of Bastian watching us sent heat coursing through me. I chastised myself for even fantasizing about him in the first place.

I could have teased him about his brother having already had a taste, but I wanted to save that for later when I was truly desperate. That memory made me think about Soren, who hadn’t come by to see me at all since I sent everyone out. He knew I was no longer furious with him about the journals, but I couldn’t imagine what kept him away now. I would have much rather preferred him over his oaf of a brother.

Bastian worked through whatever torment was happening in his head and sat on the bed. He dipped the spoon into the bowl and brought the food up to my lips. I turned my head away from him and laid down, pulling the sheets up and over my body.

If they weren’t going to give me what I wanted, then I would ignore them, knowing full well that it was petty and childish. But I didn’t care. I am the queen.

Childish indeed, Callie.

I sighed. You’re still around?

I told you. I am the only one who has stood by you after all these years and will continue to be here long after they are gone.

I wanted to shut her out, but they wouldn’t give me the poison. So I just rested, listening to Callum and Bastian talking again, but Circe’s words haunted my mind. Doomed to be together forever… How romantic.

I was grateful that they didn’t try to feed me any more of the food. My appetite was completely gone after Circe reappeared. She had left on her own volition, and I had lain in bed, taking in everything that had happened in the last few days.

It had been about a week since I had almost succeeded in taking my own life and just like Soren, Emilia was staying far away. Emilia had tried to come in and see me, but I pushed her away. I was doing my best to push everyone away so that I could finally put an end to all of this madness. Then there would be nothing else forcing them to stay here. After a few days of Callum insisting that I needed rest, she stayed away.

I couldn’t tell if I was thankful that she had given up or terrified that I succeeded. When the worry fully reached me, I asked Callum what she had been preoccupying herself with. He had told me that she locked herself in her room and refused to come out. I knew then that I needed to go check on her. My plan to push them all away wasn’t working.

I sat up in bed to find Callum and Bastian sitting on the couch, talking about something I had no interest in. I found that the pain in my side was still prevalent, but I wasn’t doubling over in agony with every breath. Though I would have healed much faster if it wasn’t for Bastian keeping to his word and injuring me every night.

I pushed the blankets off of me and stood, the pain strong enough that I groaned as my feet hit the ground. I rolled my eyes, knowing they were seconds away from rushing to me.

I opened my eyes, and sure enough, Callum was in front of me. “Your grace, do you need help using the washroom?”

“No! I don’t remember the last time my feet touched the ground.” I could see Callum moving to lift me, and I warned, “Little bird, if you so much as try to help me in any way, I will refuse to fuck you for the rest of your life.”

I could see the color drain from his face; he knew I meant every word. I was bluffing, but he didn’t need to know that.

“We are only trying to help you heal,” Bastian said, clearly irritated.

“Again…I didn’t ask.”

“You know, you would get your strength back sooner if you would eat something,” Bastian prodded.

“I would get my strength back if you would stop slicing my arm open with that blade,” I snapped.

Callum pleaded, “Please just eat a little bit more.” “Please,” Callum pleaded, “just eat a little bit more.”

“I do eat. If I didn’t, then I would already be dead.”

“You eat one bite a day and only because Callum holds your mouth open as I feed you,” Bastian chided. “You’re acting like a child.”

“Shut up!” I put my hands up, tired of this entire conversation. I was already exhausted and ready to go back to sleep, but I couldn’t. I took a step forward and swayed. My body was weak from not being used, and hands grabbed onto me.

I growled, and Bastian growled back.

“I need to see Emilia,” I announced.

Callum straightened. “Let me go and get her, your grace. You are in no position to move about.”

“I am going to her, and you will not stop me.”

Bastian stepped in front of me. “Fine. You can go, but let one of us carry you.”

“No.”

He held out his arm. “Then lean on me as you walk.”

“No.” I was adamant about walking over there on my own and I was sure as hell not going to lean on him.

He seemed to understand this and stepped to the side, sweeping his hand in front of him. “Fine.”

I held my head up high and continued toward the door. It was a little difficult, but not as painful as I thought it would be. And it felt nice to stretch my limbs and walk on my own. I made it past the door before I saw two shadows overtaking my frame. I turned to find both Callum and Bastian a few feet behind me.

“What do you think you are doing?”

“I made a vow that you would never leave my sight again,” Bastian stated matter of factly.

I had hoped he would grow bored, but his resolve had only strengthened. Was this what my life would be? I huffed, making sure they saw the annoyance on my face before turning back around. I made my way down the hall and around the corner to Emilia’s chambers.

I was thankful that she was in a room not terribly far from mine. Her door loomed in the distance, and I could feel my strides slowing.

What’s wrong? Afraid that she will leave just like the rest of them?

Yes . Knowing that there would be no use in lying to her. She already knew everything, and I was tired of lying to myself.

You should be. She will leave just like everyone else.

“Mercy, Circe, mercy.” I stopped, squeezing my eyes shut.

“Your grace?” Callum asked.

I opened my eyes to find that I was standing directly in front of Emilia’s door. I didn’t turn toward them as I knew that Callum was most likely aware of what my actions meant. Knew that I was talking to myself but was too kind to say anything. I focused back on the door.

I lifted my hand and knocked hard three times. I don’t remember the last time I announced my presence. Someone either did it for me, or I would simply burst into any room.

I waited for her to open it, then waited a little longer.

My nerves were getting the best of me when Callum stepped forward and said through the door, “Miss Emilia, her grace is here to see you.” He took a step behind me and whispered, “Maybe she is sleeping and didn’t hear you.”

Ever the mother hen, attempting to smooth over any conflict between family. I ignored him and didn’t have to wait another moment before one of the doors opened, and Emilia stuck her head shyly around the door.

I couldn’t say anything as I took in her appearance. She looked ghastly; she clearly hadn’t eaten, her hair was in disarray, dark circles lined her eyes, and her cheeks were sunken in. Just how I felt, as I hadn’t looked at myself in a mirror in so long.

We were both wasting away, but I couldn’t understand how she had changed so drastically. Our last conversation was good. Or so I thought.

Her head was bowed. I gathered my strength and asked, “Are you going to allow me in?”

I could see her face flush as she stepped aside and bowed even further. “Of course, your majesty.”

I started to move forward and stopped, knowing full well that they both were about to follow, but I did not want either of them to be privy to this conversation. “You will wait out here until we are done.”

“But—” Bastian started to protest.

“I am still the queen and if you want my cooperation in the future, you will listen to me and stay outside.”

I could feel him wrestling with himself, then finally conceding as he stepped back and closed the door.

We were shrouded in darkness until I opened the blinds to her room. It was light enough that we didn’t need to light any candles to see each other. I turned around to find her hands wrapped around her waist, eyes darting around the room as if she were looking for someone. My eyes roved around but found nothing.

The silence was deafening as I stared at her terrified form. Was she still worried about their father? Still scared of the past?

“Let’s sit.” I began to move toward the fireplace, where there were two chairs situated in front of it and a small round table in between. I slowly sank into the chair, but Emilia stayed where she was, fidgeting with her hands.

I couldn’t wait any longer and asked, “What’s wrong?”

She tensed and looked away. I wanted to comfort her, but it seemed as though she didn’t want me to.

“Emilia…” My voice was pained as I pleaded with her.

She finally looked at me with tears in her eyes, not even bothering to wipe them away. “There’s something wrong with me.”

My heart sank. “What do you mean?”

“Something doesn’t feel right.”

I stood back up at her admission and found her body shaking heavily.

“Are you sick?” I placed the back of my hand on her forehead and felt that she was burning up. “Why didn’t you come to me sooner? I would have given you my blood.”

I bit into my palm and held my hand up to her as she tensed, pushing me away from her. “You aren’t listening!”

My body froze. Every instinct was on high alert. She had never raised her voice so much at me. I could feel the anxiety seeping out of every pore of my body.

“My body no longer feels like my own. I have tried to fight it, but I don’t know if I can anymore. And the voices…the voices are getting louder.” She looked at me and pointed at her head. Her lip quivered. “Make it stop.”

“I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s wrong. Let me help you,” I pleaded with her. “When did this start?”

“Ever since I came here.”

“When you were little?” I asked, stunned. How could I have not noticed?

She nodded her head erratically, her blonde hair moving wildly around her face. “I never told you because I never wanted you to send me away.”

“I would never send you away. You are my everything. The reason I get up each day.”

She bared her teeth. “If you care so much for me then, why? Why did you try to kill yourself!” She said that word with so much disgust and hatred that it felt like a punch to the face.

She couldn’t hate me. Not her. Anyone but her.

I could feel my heart beating wildly in my chest. “I am tired and done and want all of this to be over. That had nothing to do with you.”

“But you were still going to leave me! Alone! All I have ever known is you . All the kindness that you offered means nothing if you were going to give it up so easily as if I meant nothing.”

You deserve this hatred.

I was about to respond to her when Emilia slammed her fist into the table and screamed, “Get out of my head!”

I rushed to her side, fear ran rampant through my body. What was going on with her? She sounded like me, talking to a voice in her head. She’d never done this before, not even during her worst days.

“Emilia, you need to calm down. Okay? Everything is going to be fine.”

I reached out toward her to assess the damage when she ripped it away from mine and slammed the heel of her hand into the side of her head. “I need space!”

“Let me help you! Please, Emilia, I’m sorry.”

She raised bloodshot eyes toward me and said in a low, strained voice, “How many times do I need to say it? I want to be left alone.”

I stood firm, unyielding.

“Leave!”

I flinched. All I could do was stand there, I didn’t know what to do.

I heard the door open behind me, and I knew our conversation for the time being was done. I couldn’t get through to her…not right now. I could hear one of them ask a question, but I was too focused on Emilia to understand it.

I walked up to her and said with as much conviction as I could muster, “I will leave for now, but I’ll be back soon.”

“No,” she snapped. She finally turned to look at me and whispered, “I just need a little time.”

I wanted to reach out and beg her, but she deserved to have her wishes respected. I wrapped my hands behind my back and dug my fingernails wherever they landed. I had to do something to help me focus on keeping myself grounded in the here and now.

She is fine. She has to be fine.

She just needs time to adjust to everything.

I can do that. I can give her that time.

I kept repeating this to myself as I willed myself to believe it because it was glaringly obvious that nothing about Emilia was fine.

“Take as long as you need, but you must promise me to eat whatever Callum brings you. You need to keep up your strength. And keep the curtains open for some fresh air.”

She nodded.

I left.

My body felt numb, but I had given her my word that I wouldn’t bother her until she was ready.

I could hear Bastian next to me, grumbling something that I had effectively tuned out, but it was only causing him to be louder. I rolled my eyes and splashed him with the bath water. I didn’t even spare him a second glance as I continued staring straight ahead, not focusing on anything in particular.

“Was that truly necessary?”

“Are you annoyed?”

“Yes.”

“Then it worked.” I tried to flick more water toward him, but he was quicker than I was at the moment and caught my hand in midair.

I slid my eyes to him and saw only compassion in his eyes. “I don’t know what Emilia said to you, but she will come around.”

I tried to rip my hand out of his grasp, but he simply tightened his hold. “She loves you. She just needs to be alone.”

“I should be there for her,” I persisted. “I’ve been what she’s needed for years, the only person she has trusted.” I paused. “You should have seen the way she looked at me.”

He let go of my wrist and dangled his arm along the edge of the tub, his fingers barely dipping into the milky water, and shrugged. “We’re all allowed anger from time to time.”

I sighed and brought my knees up to my chest, closing my eyes. I willed Callum to hurry and come back from whatever errand Bastian had sent him on. I thought Callum was a mother hen; no, Bastian was much worse.

“Speaking of anger, you’re suffocating me.”

Water splashed on me, and I screamed as Bastian said, “Good try, but that won’t work. I told you I am not leaving you alone again, and I meant it.”

I growled, and he flicked my nose, reveling in this power switch. “Now come, you need rest.” He grabbed a towel and lifted it, demanding without words that it was time for me to get out.

“I will kill you.”

He smirked. “I love it when you flirt with me.”

I seethed but stood, or else I knew he would lift me out.

I waited while he wrapped the towel around my body and helped me out of the tub, much to my protest. Everything was a battle of wills with him.

Circe had quieted down since I left Emilia. My mind was momentarily clear, and I was ready to sleep, even if the nightmares came. My eyes felt so heavy.

I walked into my boudoir and let the towel fall to the ground. Callum was there waiting, hands holding a nightgown. I raised my arms and winced from the movement. He bunched it up and lifted it over my head. I gently moved my arms to put through the holes. He placed a hand on my lower back and led me out of the room.

I looked up to find Bastian leaning against the doorframe, arms, and feet crossed with a dark look in his eyes. I couldn’t focus on anything other than getting back into bed.

“Callum, she needs to wear something with short sleeves.” To slice into the wound on my arm. At this point, if I didn’t get my powers back, it would scar. Did it even matter?

I huffed as I passed him, reached up, and tore the sleeve right off. I didn’t say a word as I threw the ripped sleeve to the ground and stalked to my bed. Callum ran past me, lifted the blanket, and held his hand out for me to grasp if I needed any assistance.

I wanted this to end. All I felt was either pity or anger. The notion that they would all be better without me was still prevalent in my mind.

Out of spite, I crawled into bed and fell face-first into the pillows as my arms gave out. Callum helped me to turn over and swiped the hair out of my face as Bastian chuckled behind him.

“What a view.”

He was doing anything to get a reaction out of me, but I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of letting him see that he was getting under my skin.

I pulled the covers up to my chin and closed my eyes. “You can leave now.”

Although I knew they wouldn’t leave, I didn’t expect what happened next. I felt my bed dip. My eyes sprang open as I turned to find a smiling Bastian lying on his side with his head resting in his hand.

“Get off.”

“Why would I do that?” He stretched and laid on his back with a hand resting behind his head. “This is more comfortable than that blasted couch.”

“Then go back to your chambers.”

Bastian continued to lie there. I looked up to find Callum’s arm wrapped around his waist, his elbow resting atop the arm, and his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose. He was clearly exasperated by this entire conversation.

“Callum,” I whined. I fucking whined.

He looked at me, clearly distraught. He didn’t want to disobey me, but knew that Bastian wasn’t going to leave. There was nothing he could do.

“Come on, Cal, get in,” He said without opening his eyes.

He gave me a small shrug and got under the covers on the other side of me. “Sorry your grace, but I am not leaving either, and,” he looked at me sheepishly, “your bed is a lot comfier than the chaise.”

“Then bring in another bed.” I was trying everything to get them away from me.

“Why would we do that when there is plenty of space in this one?” Bastian questioned flippantly.

I turned my head toward him as much as my weak body allowed. “So what? I won’t allow you back inside of me, so the next best thing is to get blue balls by sleeping next to me?”

He opened one eye, turned his head just enough to look at me, and shrugged. “I’ll take what I can get.” Then, he closed his eyes.

Fine. Two can play his game.

I turned my back to him and sidled up next to Callum.

He was shocked when I lifted the covers to intertwine my legs around his, my stomach attached to his side, and an arm snuggly wrapped around his middle. He lifted his arm so I could get even closer to him, my head resting perfectly in the crook of his shoulder.

“Enjoy your night, hunter, all alone over there.”

He scoffed but didn’t say anything after that.

I smiled and snuggled into Callum’s side, my head lifting each time he breathed, lulling me into a deep sleep.

I was roused from sleep when I felt a pinch and then hissed as the pain radiated down the length of my arm. I looked up to see Bastian kneeling next to me, my arm in his rough hand, the knife in the other. Callum was snoring lightly next to me.

He took a cloth, wrapped it around my arm, and pressed down to stop the bleeding. The wound was never deep, and the bleeding always stopped within a few minutes.

He bent his head and whispered, “It hurts me every time I have to do this.”

“Then stop.”

He looked back at me. “The moment I stop, you will cease to exist.”

“Is that the worst thing that could happen?”

Bastian looked toward a sleeping Callum and sighed. “To Callum? Yes. He would follow you into the afterlife the moment your heart stopped beating. To Soren? Yes. He would not stop talking about the woman in the woods as kids. If you die, he would never forgive himself for what happened to you. Emilia might be angry with you…look at you like she hates you, but it's the opposite. She would go to the ends of the earth for you.”

I stared at him as he was still bent over me, my arm still wrapped in the cloth. The look that crossed his features had me lifting myself up, my good arm supporting my weight. I sighed. “I am tired, Bastian.”

His gaze went back and forth between my eyes and lips as he grappled with what to say.

He begged, “Please, say it again. I need my name on your lips.”

I didn’t give him what he wanted and instead said, “I am tired of the lies.”

“If you died,” he reached up and gently stroked the side of my face before laying his palm against my cheek, brushing his thumb up and down as he swallowed hard, “I would fear for the world for what I would become without you.”

I couldn’t move—too shocked by the admission.

“I would be a shell again, fearful of the things I want, the feelings I deny. I would never recover. Don’t you see that? Emilia wasn’t the only one you saved.”

I lightly pulled my head out of his calloused hand and laid down next to Callum who sleepily welcomed me back into his arms. I considered his words long and hard and denied them until the pain felt real again. Until I hated myself again. They couldn’t be true. I knew it just like the witch knew it—I couldn’t save anyone and wasn’t worth anything.

I told him I was done with the lies.