44. Knox

No walkof shame compared to slipping out of Larkin’s house and skulking down the sidewalk with a heaviness in the pit of my stomach. One moment I was on top of the world and now it was all slipping away from me. I understood why she was scared, and I hated that she’d seen those messages. Hated even more the lowlifes that sent them. Couldn’t believe I’d ever called them my friends.

I held my phone in one hand, my bag in the other, wondering why the fuck those guys had to be like that.

I guessed I’d kept them in my phone thinking they were harmless—they could say crappy things, but I didn’t have to wallow in the filth with them. Now, it was different because their behavior was hurting the woman I loved and messing with my life. A life I thought I’d begun building with Larkin.

I walked inside my house, dropped the bag on a chair at my kitchen table, and got out my phone to text them back.

Knox: I don’t want to be a part of this group chat anymore.

Messages started coming through, telling me they were just kidding, saying that they didn’t mean it and would back off. But I didn’t care.

Knox: It was one thing to insult a single mom, another altogether to insult my woman. Fuck off.

I blocked every one of their numbers and then tossed my phone onto the table, going about getting breakfast ready even though the thought of eating made me sick. It kept my hands busy while I thought about how to fix this mess. I needed someone to help me understand what the fuck I was doing and how to show Larkin that I understood what I was getting into.

As my eggs were frying in the pan, I got out my phone and called Fletcher. He hadn’t married a single mom, but he had been dating Liv as a single dad, and he had put up a fight against love just like Larkin was doing now.

In a short phone call, we’d agreed to meet at the clinic for lunch so we could eat and talk without the prying eyes and ears of everyone in Woody’s Diner. I wished we could have met sooner though. I didn’t know how I could focus on work with thoughts of losing Larkin on my mind.

And to make the situation even worse, it was one of those mornings when every damn song that came on the radio was one about breaking up. I switched from channel to channel, getting everything from “Achy Breaky Heart” by Billy Ray Cyrus to “Since I Don’t Have You” by Guns ‘n’ Roses.

With a grunt, I turned off the radio and patrolled the town for the first half of my shift. I wanted to text Larkin, call her and fix this. But I knew I needed to give her space to sort through her feelings. And maybe it was good for me to figure out my own as well.

Not that we Madigan men were great at getting to the heart of things. Hell, everyone knew Dad had a thing for Agatha at the diner, and he was still pushing that “just friends” BS on us.

Finally, noon hit, and I parked in the lot in front of the old house-turned-doctor’s-office with the Madigan Medical sign out front. Just my car, Fletcher’s truck, and his nurse Brenda’s car were in the lot.

As I got out of the car, the front door of the practice opened. Brenda walked outside, pink weights strapped around her wrists and ankles. She”d worked for Fletcher for the last couple years, and I”d always seen her walking around town at lunchtime, even before Fletcher came back.

“Do you ever take a day off?” I asked her.

She grinned at me, still moving her feet and arms like she was warming up, and said, “The day I take a day off is the day you need to send me to a hospital.”

I grinned as best I could with a broken heart. “Good to know.”

“Have a good lunch with your brother,” she said, breezing by me on the sidewalk as I walked toward the entrance.

My heart beat fast as I approached the building, desperation building in my chest. I needed advice, and I hoped that he could give me an answer that would fix this situation with Larkin. Just the night before things had been going so well, but now it felt like the future I imagined with her was slipping through my fingers.

I went through the front door, bells ringing as it opened, and Fletcher called, “Lock the door and meet me in the kitchen.”

I shut the door and locked the deadbolt like he asked. It was like being a kid again, yelling at each other across the house. After the door was locked, I walked back to the kitchen area, seeing him setting out a steaming casserole on the table along with a mixed salad.

“This is way better than the ham and cheese I packed myself,” I muttered.

He laughed, saying, “Liv told me if I didn”t finish the leftovers, she”d have my head. So we both get to enjoy them.”

I smiled, wondering how Liv was doing with the kids today. I bet Emily was in seventh heaven, getting to spend all day with her idol, Maya, and Jackson was surely having fun playing with Leah outside.

Fletcher began dishing a plate for himself, and then he cast me a curious look. “So what”s going on? Usually it”s you, me, and Hayes meeting at the diner. His birthday is coming up... Are we planning a surprise party for him?”

“You know Hayes hates surprises,” I said. “It’s Larkin.”

Fletcher”s eyebrows drew together. “What”s happening? Liv showed me that post online of you two at the Minnicks Ranch. She wants us to do a double date there next time.”

I cut my fork through the lasagna, the cheese melted and pulled. It really did smell good, but I was so upset I had a hard time bringing a bite to my mouth. “Well, last night, I stayed over at Larkin’s, and the group chat with those guys went off. They saw that post too and had lots to say about it.”

Fletcher winced. “Do I need to ask what they said?”

I shook my head. “It was just about as bad as you could imagine. And Larkin saw it.”

Fletcher finished chewing his bite and swallowed before saying, “Was she going through your phone? That’s a red flag, Knox.”

“No, it wasn”t like that. My phone was going off, and it kept vibrating, so I asked her to turn the vibrating off because I didn”t know how to do that, and then of course the messages kept going over the screen. And I think she did go back and see some of the older messages, but I mean, can you blame her? They were talking about her.”

Fletcher let out a sigh. “I guess you”re right. So what happened after she read them?”

I ran my sweaty hands over my pants, like that would somehow ease the aching in my chest. But I had no idea what else to do. “She told me that I needed to think about what it meant to be with a single mom, that I needed to make sure I was okay being with a woman who had kids with another man and who might not ever want to have kids with me.”

The weight of those words hung between us, and Fletcher”s dark eyes took me in. He had our mother”s eyes, but I had our dad”s. I was always a little jealous of him, and maybe a little mad too, because every time I looked at him, I thought of her.

Then Fletcher said, “Larkin has a good point. Have you really thought about what it means to be with a single mom? Dating a parent isn”t like dating someone who”s single and has no kids in the picture. The kids come first. And once those kids get attached to you, it”s not fair for them to lose someone all over again.”

Now he really did sound like Larkin, and that”s exactly why I needed to talk to him. But I was upset too because I already knew these things. I knew that those kids needed someone to stay in their life. “Why does everyone act like just because I don”t have a kid that I don”t understand how important they are?”

“I know you care.” Fletcher wiped the corners of his mouth and set the paper napkin on the table. “It’s hard to understand what it’s like to have a child and know that you are their person. Everything they need, their whole life and future rests on your shoulders.”

I sat back in my chair because... he was right. I’d never understand that because no matter how much I loved and would be there for her kids, I’d never be their dad. They’d always have their mom and dad to count on.

Fletch leaned forward, his elbows resting on the table. “Are you sure you’re okay with never having children of your own?”

Of my own... I shook my head. “I’d love a big family, but honestly, I don”t give a fuck if I pass my genes on to someone else.”

Fletcher arched an eyebrow. “What does that mean?”

I leveled a look at him because after all we’d been through, I knew I could be honest with him. “Tell me that you”re not worried that someday Maya or Leah will get cancer like our mom did. Tell me you”re not worried that you”ll get it someday and have to leave your kids like Mom left us.”

Fletcher”s expression cracked, showing just how close my words hit home. “I’m scared of it every damn day,” he admitted, his voice barely a whisper. He blinked quickly then met my gaze. “But you also know that life can be over before you know it. I’m not regretting a moment of life with my little girls, no matter what hard things life throws our way. No matter how dark it feels like the world can get, they’re the bright spot in every day.” He pinned his gaze on me. “If Larkin and those kids were the only family you got... would you be okay with it?”

I chewed the inside of my cheek as I thought it over. I thought I knew my answer, but everyone I spoke to seemed to doubt me.

Fletcher patted my forearm, saying, “It”s a lot for a new relationship—to think about the future when you”re still figuring out the present. Liv and I were lucky, because we were friends for a long time, even before Maya was in the picture. For Larkin and you, it’s all pretty new. There’s no shame in taking time to figure it all out.”

“That’s the problem. I know. I decided, Fletch. How can I show her that I”m not going to walk away? That I”m okay with the life I’m choosing now?”

“You might know, Knox, but she needs to see you solid in your choice. Take time to think, like she asked you to. I know you always look out for everyone else, but you need to include yourself in that list too. Make damn sure that this is what you want, because it’s one thing to walk away from a grown adult, another to leave a child.”