43. Larkin

I changedinto pajamas while Knox was gone to his house getting his things. And when he came back, we slept under my covers, him in buffalo plaid pants and a black shirt, me in a matching pajama set I got on sale at Walmart. And even though this was a simple life, we didn”t have a fancy home like Ford, and I wasn”t with my first husband, this life felt rich to me. Knowing my children were sleeping happily and that when they woke up, they would be loved and cared for.

I fell asleep with Knox’s arms curled around me and only woke up when Jackson cried out in the night. I went to his room, holding and rocking him until he fell back asleep and I could settle him in his bed. But since it was only half an hour away from the time I usually wake up for the day, I couldn”t exactly go back to sleep.

I slipped into bed, lying in Knox’s arms, and was in that blissful place between being awake and sleeping when his phone vibrated on the nightstand.

I wondered who could be texting him so early but wrote it off as he tightened his strong arms around me. This had to be my favorite place to be.

But then his phone went off again, and again.

“Are you going to get that?” I asked him.

“Just mute it for me,” he mumbled into the back of my neck. Sleepy Knox had to be the cutest. I reached for his phone to silence it but found it was already muted. “You have to turn off the vibration in your settings,” I told him.

“How do you do that?” he asked, eyes still closed, long eyelashes pressed together.

I kissed the tip of his nose. “I can do it for you. I just need your password to unlock your phone.”

He muttered off a string of numbers that I tapped in. But then another text message came across the screen.

Garth: Found this pic of them at Minnicks.

A photo came through, a screenshot of something posted to the Minnicks Ranch Facebook page. Knox and I were sitting at a table together, holding hands on the tabletop and looking into each other’s eyes. We looked like we were in love. I smiled at the photo, making a mental note to ask Knox how to access the rest of the photos when he woke up. But then another message came through.

Dennis: Looks like Knox has a thing for the single mom. Think she put out last night?

Garth: Damn, now we know why he was so defensive with me.

Dennis: You sure you wanna raise Seth’s kids? What if they turn out like him?

Trent: Yeah, Knox, can”t you find someone who doesn”t have so much baggage? I mean, there are still some single girls in town. What about Della?

My heart sank as the messages slid over the screen. And I knew I shouldn”t have done it—after all, curiosity killed the cat—but I tapped through to the prior messages, going back to see what they were referencing about Knox being so defensive. Surely he wouldn’t be okay with his friends talking about my kids and me like this.

But then I saw the text that they had sent back and forth the first time. Messages with pictures from the first night I went out with Liv and the girls. My stomach turned at the things they said about me. And then I felt like I could throw up when I realized that Knox had said nothing to defend me.

Along with the nausea, my heart sank. Felt like it was breaking.

Beside me, Knox still lay there, peaceful in my house. My children, the ones his friends were insulting, sleeping in the next room.

Suddenly his arms around me felt like heavy weights starving me of oxygen.

Knox opened his eyes, asking me, “Did you figure it out?”

I slid out from his arms, handing his phone to him. “I think you should read these messages. Your friends want to talk to you.” My voice shook with anger, with embarrassment. If he let his friends speak to him like this, how did he think about me under his perfect, charming exterior?

His eyes snapped open as he went to the texts, reading them, and his face fell. “Larkin, did you read these?”

I got out of the bed, pacing the floor, and whispered, “I didn”t mean to at first. They were just coming over the screen. Is this really how your friends feel about me?” I couldn’t bring myself to ask him if this was how he felt about me too. I cannot believe just last night I was so happy that I was dreaming about what the future held for us. Now I wondered if a future with me felt like settling to him.

He sat up on the bed, facing me, and dumped his phone face down on the tousled sheets. “Larkin, they”re just being shitheads.”

I shook my head, tears already building in my eyes. This was not how I wanted to wake up this morning. “You sure as heck didn”t say anything back the last time they commented.”

He got out of bed, taking my hands in his. “I didn”t text them back because I went and talked to him. That”s why Garth apologized in the first place and said I was defensive.”

I wanted to believe him, but Seth had worked things around in his favor so many times that I didn’t know what to believe. “I mean, they”re right.” My voice shook. “Why not Della? Why not someone who doesn”t have so much ‘baggage?’”

He got a fierce look in his eyes and said, “Don”t you ever call Emily and Jackson baggage.”

An uncomfortable, guilty feeling swirled in my gut because he was right. My children weren”t baggage. They were blessings. But just because they were my blessings, didn”t mean that they needed to be his. I stepped back, putting space between us. “What if your friends are right? What if you wanted to start fresh with someone? You said yourself you wanted to get me new lingerie in case I”d worn mine for another man. What about children that I made having sex with someone else? Could you ever look at them without seeing him?”

A furrow formed between his eyebrows. “Larkin, when I look at your children, I see all the best parts of you and all the pieces that are uniquely them. They’re their own people.”

I drew my arms around myself, feeling so ashamed, feeling stupid for letting this relationship move so quickly. “And what about kids? You said last night you wanted a big family. What if I don”t want to have any more? What if I have too much trauma from Jackson’s pregnancy and don’t want to go through that again? Will you be okay with my children being the only ones we have?” I knew it was too soon to ask him something like this, but now a million thoughts were spinning in my mind, and I couldn’t move forward with him without knowing his answers.

“Why are you borrowing trouble?” he asked, a furrow in his brow. “Everything has been going great between you and me.”

I shook my head at him. This wasn’t borrowing trouble; it was being practical. “I”m a single mom, Knox. I don”t have the privilege of just living my life day by day. I have two children who are counting on me to make good choices for them, and I know you said you would be there for them always, but what about me? I fell for you, I love you, and I don”t want you to resent me because of my family. I don”t want you to end up hating me because I don”t want to put myself through another pregnancy. I don”t want you to feel like you missed out on anything in life, because you deserve so much. And I hate to think that every time you go out with your friends that some part of them thinks the life you have with me isn”t good enough for you...” Then an entirely new fear came to mind, and I had to sit on the bed to stomach it. “Is that how your family feels about us too?”

“Larkin, stop,” he said with all the authority he had spoken to me with on that very first day we met. He knelt in front of me, taking my hands in his. “I don”t give a shit what anyone else thinks about my life. I don”t want to create a life that looks good to other people. I want to create a life that feels good to me.” He brushed his fingers over my cheeks, and I could only imagine how I looked, my hair a mess, my eyes still drooping from sleep, worry creasing every line on my face. But he spoke to me like I was beautiful, saying, “Being with you feels good to me right now. That”s all that matters.”

I shook my head sadly, realizing how different our lives were, our priorities were. Because while Knox could choose what was best for him in the moment, I would always have to choose what was best for my children now and in the future. “Actually, it”s not all that matters to me. I need to know that if we continue this, you would be okay with just me and my kids. Five years from now. Ten years from now. Twenty years down the road. Because I don”t want to fall in love and get broken up with and go through this heartbreak again. I don’t know if I could survive it and be the best mom to my kids.”

It felt foolish to say it out loud, that I couldn’t survive a breakup with Knox, considering what I had gone through in my life, but I knew deep in my heart it was true. Knox was a once-in-a-lifetime kind of man. And while I didn”t want a chance of another man leaving them, I couldn’t risk them feeling like a burden like all of Knox’s friends thought they were.

Knox cast me an incredulous glance. “You think I haven’t thought about our future?” he asked softly. “You think that first day you came over I didn’t imagine what it would be like to kiss you? Do you think that night I babysat I didn’t wonder what it would be like to care for your children as my own? Do you think that first morning I woke with you coming into my bed I didn’t imagine what it would be like to wake up with you every damn morning for the rest of my life?”

I looked him in the eyes, as if I could remember every bit of color in them, as if I could permanently trace the edges of his lips into my mind. “I need you to think about what I said, Knox. Take time to really think about if this is the life you want. And whatever your decision is...” My voice broke as tears threatened to fall. “Whatever your decision is, I promise I”ll understand.”

He looked like he wanted to say more, but I held up my hand to stop him. If he argued any more, I didn”t know if I could stand strong. This request wasn”t just for me and my kids. It was for him too. Knox was like a diamond shining against mud. He deserved everything he wanted and more. And I never wanted to be the person who held him back from the life of his dreams, even if it wasn’t with me.

So I said, “I need you to go, before the kids wake up. We’ll talk soon, okay?”

He nodded sadly, then gave me a slow kiss on the lips before walking out the door. And I hoped that he would come back knowing exactly what it meant to be with me.